Do you think Ken and Lisa have ever been inside a one-bedroom apartment? I feel like they’d really hate mine.

Still in Europe, Ken and Lisa helicopter out of Tuscany and into Monte Carlo, which is straight out of a Bourne movie if Bourne movies had pink diamonds and lots of cleavage. Or any STRONG FEMALE LEADS. Take that, Hollywood! Girl power! Where the fuck is Ginger Spice, get her over here!!

We formally meet Erika Girardi (she is an enigma wrapped in a riddle and cash, you guys) and she actually seems pretty fucking chill. I mean how turnt up can you be when you’re getting vitamin C IVs with Yolanda, but still.

Meanwhile Eileen, Lisa Rinna and Kyle meet up for lunch and Eileen and Lisa are both in LEOPARD!!! Like, they cannot fucking believe they’re both in leopard WHAT ARE THE ODDS. It’s so fun. Everyone loves it. Leopard!! Of all things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They chat and here’s how comfortable Kyle is talking about Kim fleeing rehab:

Listen Kyle, I know you’re a good person but at a certain point ya gotta cut people loose. Kim is gonna do Kim, Kathy Hilton who is *probably* a huge bitch is going to continue to *probably* be a huge bitch. Kyle should be like aight BYE PLAYERS! And keep it moving.

Vanderpump and Rinna are now flying to Ohio to pick up the world’s smallest horse for Ken’s birthday, because what else was she going to get him, a Fitbit? Rinna’s all like, “It must be weird to leave her farm and get on a jet.” So perceptive. I really can’t wait to read her memoirs.

Also there is a big storm and these are their faces as they hear lightning:

The most magical screenshot I’ve ever taken.

So back to this horse. The horse doesn’t leave the farm and get on a jet because it’s a lame ass horse. Maybe she said it’s leg was lame. One of those is right. They fly all the way home with nothing to show for it but airplane hair and a story about how Lisa Rinna caught a chicken.

Now we really start to get to know Erika, first by learning that her husband was Erin Brockovich’s lawyer (FUCK hexavalent 6, amiright?!!). He is super old and she’s all like look honey, the pool tiles are broken.

But it’s time to meet Erika Jayne, Erika’s alter ego/the most porn star name I have ever heard in my entire life. Which is weird, because her outfits are so demure.

“Yes, the crotch panel looks like a humongous pube bush.” -My notes

For Ken’s 70th birthday party, and it appears that the mad hatter’s party planner was kidnapped and dragged back up the rabbit hole, only to be tied up in Lisa’s back yard and forced to tell all his secrets.

Taylor Armstrong shows up, and Vanderpump and I think the same thing at the same time (that shit always happens with us), which is that trouble is a-brewin. Taylor is the biggest fucking shit stirrer in the entire world and under her name it should say, “Crazy Person.”

Look I know she has problems. She’s been through a lot. But cocktails bring out the NUTSO in her and she just can’t be stopped. She goes in on Yolanda for like, being sick, and Rinna’s not having any of it and is basically like wow I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Taylor is completely unaware, as she is all of the time.

They throw Ken in the shallow end of the pool, which is a great idea if you fucking hate Ken and want him to die and/or break one of his TWO hips he JUST REPLACED. Anyway look at these drunk fools:

Here’s a bonus shot of Lisa Vanderpump’s ass in a white dress:

Next week they’re going to start the Yolanda witch hunt about if she’s really sick or not. I’m sure everything they say is going to be heavily backed up by facts and real knowledge because as you all know, every cast member on this show went to medical school.

Come to think of it did any of them go to college? Like any of the real housewives, ever? I bet Bethenny did. She totes did.

Read more of my show recaps here.