Like a basketball player getting off a commercial flight, the women of Beverly Hills are just starting to stretch their legs. (“What?”-Things I think to myself when I write.)
Lisa and Ken pack for their trip to Italy with Kyle and her family, except Ken cannot shut the fuck up about the fact that Kyle only wears muumuus even though it’s clear as day Kyle only wears Maxi dresses, and a guy who is currently sitting in the salon of his closet should fucking know that.
Lisa Rinna’s daughter asks who gave her the diamond earrings for her birthday and Lisa goes, “Harry Hamlin.” I’m pretty sure that since Harry Hamlin is this girl’s father, you could just say Harry and she’d get the picture. Hell, say dad! But Rinna’s giving Finding Nemo REALNESS right now and that’s truly all that matters.
Meanwhile Kyle’s upset that she was uninvited to Nicky Hilton’s wedding (which sounds like a fucking SNOOZEFEST anyway, girl), but what I’m upset about is the fact that Yolanda is going to get all her fillings removed. Look I get it, Lyme disease is shitty and ya gotta get better. But this shit is not my jam AT ALL.
As soon as she even says the word dentist my anxiety kicks in and my palms start sweating. She’s huffing that dope ass Nitrous, but seems to be having some kind of medical emergency and is kicking her feet around and I honestly might not be able to watch the rest of this episode. This is literally my goddamn nightmare.
Once she’s fine and drugged to all hell she says to David, “Aren’t you happy you married me?” and he goes, “Thrilled.” Which is like, so much shade I can’t even right now. (A good time to note that Yolanda is worth more than David in this divorce and it’s like boom, roasted.)
Kyle and her family have been on a five-bedroom yacht for who knows how long getting all up in that Mediterranean. How much of a fucking CATCH is Mauricio. Seriously. He is aging like a fine wine and selling the shit out of $100 million dollar houses. Yummers.
Back in the United States of America Lisa Rinna is busting her daughter for having a crush on Yolanda’s son, on national television. Thanks, mom. Super neat.
Lisa and Eileen visit Yolanda and things take a turn “to the left, to the left.” –Beyonce. Daisy, Yolanda’s health specialist/fellow MUY BLONDE, decides it’s totally fine and ethical to show the girls Yolanda’s cabinet of medicine. This shit is so overwhelming that I bet Rinna is perusing that shelf going, “Please God have a Xanax handy.”
Look at this medicine cabinet. Look at how fucking proud of herself Daisy is:
Yolanda goes on to explain she had a parasite infection and some of them were TWO FEET LONG. Um, hi. If I have a TWO FOOT LONG ANYTHING swimming through my body I’m going fuck this holistic shit, I’m cutting my stomach open and ripping those suckers out myself. What the SHIT is she even talking about. I need more information.
Now Kyle and her family, Lisa and Ken, and mosquitoes sit down for a lovely evening under the Tuscan sun (Moon? Whatever.). Of course Lisa has to bring up this wedding shizz and here’s how thrilled everyone is about it:
She keeps saying things like, “Maybe I’m speaking out of turn, but-” and “Listen I don’t want to overstep boundaries, but-” Bitch COOL IT! Everybody is sick of it ESPECIALLY ALEXIA.
She’s had enough and this teenager basically says HEY MOTHERFUCKERS, SHUT THE HELL UP. Love it, love her. Alexia is not a basic bitch and she is NOT THE ONE.
Check out more of my show recaps here.