The Bachelor recap: “Tastes Like Victory”

January 31, 2017January 31, 20171 Comment

I just want you guys to know that so far I have written 6,296 words about this season of the bachelor. Okay, now 6,304. That is roughly 25 pages of a book. I could’ve been TWENTY FIVE PAGES into the next great American novel but noooo, gotta make you noodles laugh and laugh.

ANYWHO, we left off last week with Corinne and Taylor battling it out while snuggling under a shared throw blanket. Taylor tries to explain what Emotional Intelligence is and Corinne is like welp, everybody thinks you’re a bitch. Corinne 1, Taylor 0.

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The Bachelor recap: “You’re A Wiener In My Book”

January 3, 2017January 4, 20171 Comment

GUYS! HEY!! HOLY SHIT I MISSED YOU! I’VE BEEN WELL, THANKS. JUST TRUCKING ALONG, WRITING FOR A TELEVISION SHOW AND CONSTANTLY DYING MY HAIR BLONDE. (ALSO EATING TONS OF BREAKFAST BURRITOS!)

Sorry, I had to use a paper towel as a coffee filter this morning so things are just all WACKY on my end. We kick off this season with Nick passionately exclaiming, “I’m Nick and I’m the Bachelor,” in case any of you were sitting at home going, “Hm, I’ve been waiting for this day for four fucking months, but I can’t for the life of me remember who the big show’s all about. Luke? Chase? A newly single and batshit crazy Josh Murray?” LOLZ.

We check out what Nick’s been up to since he dumped Jen’s ass on a beach, and here he is pretending he still has a job:

Nice workbag. It’s probably filled to the brim with head shots and Sugar Bear hair vitamins.

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The Bachelorette Recap: “The Spicy Child”

July 19, 2016July 19, 20162 Comments

I hope Jojo’s got a power bar hidden in her sweet tits, because girl is going to need ENERGY for these hometowns.

We start in Colorado with Chase, because Chase is boring so we need to get it out of the way. They drink hot cocoa on a blanket and this view is probably the most interesting thing about him so far all season. (“Thanks, mountains!” -Chase)

He tells her that his parents got divorced and that she’ll have to meet them separately because shit kind of hit the fan, and in response Jojo asks if the divorce was bad. Umm, yeah, Jojo. It was. That’s why you’re meeting them separately.

They chill with his dad, and we immediately learn that Chase’s house doesn’t have banisters.

I mean, that is not safe. My boozey ass would be spread eagle with a sprained ankle in NO TIME.

Jojo meets his mom, who is serving up former beauty queen/suburban MILF realness:

Because of divorce pain, Chase and his siblings can’t say I love you and they start a debate about how it’s just a word but it’s also MORE than a word. Honestly it’s a fucking downer.

Can’t we just reminisce about your weird sex yoga date and keep it moving??

In Aaron Rodger’s brother’s hometown, Jojo is on crack. Girl is SO excited that she scares all the deer in the area, which in turn scare her as they run scared. Now I’m scared.

They go to his high school and he pushes Jojo up against ANOTHER WALL to make out with her. He is literally obsessed with making out against walls. They kiss surrounded by YA novels and what I assume is at least one copy of It’s Perfectly Normal.

Jojo asks why nobody in his family talks to Aaron and he tells her that it doesn’t need to be a topic, which is bro code for can it, bitch.

At his parents house, ol’ Darla tells Jojo that Jordan is her Spicy Child and as she’s listing off adorably diabolical things he did as a youngster his father whispers, “He kicked his teacher,” so to answer your question YES, everything is totally fine and normal at the Rodgers house.

Jojo can’t take it any longer, she is going to bring up Aaron because he’s kiiiind of the reason this feather-haired motherfucker made it on the show, ya know? Here’s how his other brother handles the mention of He Who Shall Not Be Named:

They’re all hurt about it and now Jojo’s hurt about it. She defends her man by saying, “He is NOBODY’S BROTHER,” which is sweet but factually inaccurate.

At the end of the night she tells him that she’s crazy about him but also doesn’t believe that he wants to be with her forever. It’s his hair, guys. It just screams, “I FUCK A TON OF GIRLS.”

On Robby’s date he only has the bottom button done and it is freaking me out.

His best case scenario for today is that she tells him she loves him and I hear myself say to the television, “Not gonna happen.” Lofty dreams, you nautical sonofabitch.

They hang out in this historical Floridian town where apparently everyone dresses like pirates.

Fine, it is POSSIBLE they are in colonial garb.

Jojo grills him about his ex-girlfriend (you know, the one he dumped four days ago) and he assures her that it’s over, it’s done, he hasn’t thought about her ONCE. That is what we industry people like to call an oversell. You haven’t thought about her once? You are a fucking liar.

But it’s time to meet his parents! So they up and leave full drinks on the table. Who leaves FULL drinks?? What are you, a god damn billionaire? It is honestly alarming to order a drink and leave so much of it there.

Robby describes to his parents how close they were to fireworks on their date by saying, “Literally ashes falling in our eyes,” which sounds like my nightmare.

His mom then sits him down and tells him that there are rumors circulating the great US of A that Robby dumped his girlfriend Hope to be on the show. Ooooo, juicy!! If they pull out a second InTouch weekly of the season, I will die.

Now he’s gotta explain this shit to Jojo. Great. He says all the drama is just a flash in the pan and people are stirring things up, so now I’m thinking he’s not only communicating with the woman he loves but is also pitching a new show, Cooking Up Drama with Robby Hayes. I am positive the next thing out of his mouth will be, “Don’t bay leaf her. She belongs in the garbage disposal, you’re the Le Creuset of my heart.”

It’s time for her date with bowlegged Luke, and I just want to point out that he is bowlegged because as a child his bones literally grew around a horse’s body. That’s a real thing that happens to cowboys and it is blowing this city girl’s DOME RIGHT NOW.

Jojo thinks Luke’s silent confidence is a panty dropper and I’m not gonna argue with her. Sure, his face has some weird angles but I’m taking his quiet ass over Robby and his god damn boat shoes ANY DAY. (I’m sorry, Robby. I’m not sure why I hate you so much.)

She shows up to meet Luke’s family and he has neglected to mention that they scheduled this shindig on the same weekend as his family reunion.

LOOK HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE THERE. What the WHAT. But joke’s on me, everyone in Luke’s life is lovely and his parent’s 38-year marriage is a shining beacon of hope for us all (“Don’t say the word Hope!!” –Robby).

After she meets everybody they sit on a couch made out of hay.

I mean, that is ridiculous. It is absolutely insane to construct a hay couch with actual throw pillows on it.

Anyway he brings her to this… set up? How do you describe this?

The whole point is for him to say I love you and he says other things but not THE thing. She has his heart, okay? Isn’t that enough? (Spoiler alert: it’s not.) I’m watching them walk towards her car and if he doesn’t say I love you I’m going to break my TV, which is actually a projector so I would technically be breaking the drywall of my apartment.

The rose ceremony is on a tarmac that has been decorated with various old-timey boxes, and I really do wonder what the budget is on a show like this. How many flameless candles can you expense? Do they file receipts into a folder labeled rustic odds ‘n’ ends?

The four of them stand like mannequins fresh off the assembly line, and Jojo tells the producers that she needs to say goodbye to Luke. Um, exsqueeze me? I am so ready for M. Night Shyamalan to pop out of one of those decorative boxes like, “GOT YA AGAIN, SUCKAZ!! TWIST!”

Luke asks to talk to her and finally says he loves her. Ya know, the thing he forgot to say before.

Now girl is like, stressed. She walks down the tarmac (please don’t get your head chopped off by a landing plane, babe), and she’s having a full blown panic attack in a beautiful blue dress. And of course, it is To Be Continued…

We’ll find out next week if Jojo takes a shit on the tarmac. That’s what’s happening here, right?

Tune in next Monday for a TWO NIGHT EVENT™, where Chase’s ass get dumped and we sit down for the Men Tell All! Is Chad going to threaten Derek? Will Evan get a random nose bleed? How’s Wells been holding up? Can’t wait.

Read last week’s recap here. Or others here.

You can also follow me Twitter, oh em gee!!

BONUS PIC: Luke’s grandfather. Please love and cherish him as I do. Thank you.

The Bachelorette Recap: “Do You Want Ice Cream Or Do You Want Steak?”

June 8, 2016June 8, 20162 Comments

Is there anything more magical than unpredictable rage on national television? (Being surrounded by puppies who were rescued from a fire, duh.)

Let’s jump right into this pool party. Papa Chris Harrison forces Chad to apologize and he is not great at it. He knows it’s a piss poor effort, but he keeps it movin’ and drinks the most strange colored green juice on the planet. It might be straight Chlorophyll.

Everybody has a great time humping inflatable flamingos and I’m just praying to god they’re all wearing sunblock because you know what’s scarier than Chad? SKIN CANCER.

Speaking of skin, Jojo must have told the producers that she’s attracted to gigantic, horrible tattoos. Every fucking guy in this house is PROUDLY rocking one.

They all jump in the pool and Evan’s nose immediately starts bleeding, which is exactly what I would expect from him. I bet he’s also allergic to peanuts.

Chad wants to talk to Derek, who is a pretty big dude to be so scared of Chad. Every time they cut to Derek he is bitching about how terrified he is.

Chad is fucking pissed as shit at everybody and basically says KEEP MY NAME OUTCHA MOUTH. He is in a sour ass mood about it but I’d love for him to take a moment and appreciate his surroundings. He is battling unrestrained rage in the most beautiful, picturesque room ever.

At the rose ceremony the only thought I have is SLAY, JOJO, SLAY. This fucking crop top number is WORK-ING. I think I’m going to stop eating (after lunch).

All the dudes are stressing the fuck out about the possibility of Chad getting a rose and they go on and on about how “there are good guys here.” Yeah, good guys she has no interest in boning, ya dorks. Who gives a flying fuck if Nick’s a good guy, he showed up day one in a full on Santa Suit. He’s got. To go.

Alex gets a rose before Chad and he suddenly shoots to the tippity top of Chad’s Kill List.

We’re down to the final rose, and we all know Chad’s getting it. As he does, I laugh to myself while remembering Evan’s dumb ultimatum. He just immediately caved. GO HOME, EVAN. YOU PROMISED.

Jojo tells the remaining guys to pack their bags! Are they going to Morocco? Turks and Caicos??

Pennsylvania. Neat. Alex is excited about it, and I hope someone packed him a bologna sandwich and his footie pajamas.

I mean fuck, Alex. I get that you’re short but you have to at least ACT like a god damn man. You know who I don’t want to marry? The guy who gets to a beautiful suite at a nice resort and immediately slides down the banister. Not sexy.

Luke gets the one-on-one and they go dog sledding. In my head I have already named all of the dogs: Benjamin, Donald, Ricardo, Sasha, Melissa, Trevor, Jacqueline, and Ray.

Now they get into a hot tub in the middle of the forest. I’m worried they’re going to get skeeter bites out there but that’s just me, constantly ruining the vibe. BTW, Luke is looking FINE AS HELL. I don’t know what it is about that quiet motherfucker but he is smokin’ hot.

I mean, that is ideal.

They get to talking and it’s clear as day that war veteran Luke has seen some shit. Like, some real scary shit. Jojo wants to find out more and I wanna be like girl, I don’t know if you do! Once you open Pandora’s box I hear it’s fucking hard to close.

Back at the hotel everyone talks about the possibility of a 2-on-1 date and Alex goes, “I’m not about that life.” I literally hate Alex more than I hate Chad. Science fact: if you use the phrase “not about that life” with 100% seriousness there is a 0% chance you will be welcome in my bed.

In sexy steamy love land, Luke explains that he used to be a lieutenant in Afghanistan and his best friend was killed in the line of duty. What did I tell you? Seen. Some Shit. Jojo is all over him like me on cupcakes:

Girl is IN. You know what Luke would never do? Slide down a banister. After dinner she surprises him with ANOTHER private country concert, and when I say private I mean not private.

It’s actually fucking adorable and if I had drank even one glass of wine tonight I would be sobbing hysterically right now. Guys. They’re like, in love already.

On the group date they go to a football field and meet Ben Roethlisberger (took me over five minutes to spell that right). They do some drills, Aaron Roger’s brother is jizzing his pants at the mere thought of the ol’ pigskin, and things start to get competitive.

Suddenly James T. is crying blood. Dude got hit in the face and needs stitches.

Because everyone in the world is on this group date, the only people left to hang back are Luke, Alex and Chad. Chad explains the logic behind his aggression and how if someone doesn’t stop talking, “the only way I can get you to shut your mouth is to hit you.” Here is Luke’s reaction to that sentence:

Somebody should pass that info along to Jojo so that one day she doesn’t go rambling on about her Sephora haul and suddenly finds herself with a fat lip. Which to be honest, might give her more surface area for the lipstick she got from Sephora!!

Back on the field, Evan feels dangerous.

LOL. While Aaron Roger’s brother was “dropping dimes out there” (gag) Evan gets his SECOND nosebleed of the week. Is he an aggressive nose picker, what’s the deal? The blue team wins in overtime and gets more time with her.

At the cocktail party Aaron Roger’s brother is afraid to open up to her, but then he does. Great storyline, guys. A real page turner. He tells her he’s falling for her and subsequently gets the rose.

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the 2-on-1. Before they go, Chad asks who has a problem with him and they all raise their hands. Chad calls Alex a whiny little bitch and asks him if he wants to go outside. Then GRANT calls CHAD a coward, and Chad asks GRANT if he wants to go outside. Chad sure does invite a lot of people outside. I mean look, maybe he just loves the outdoors and wants to play a round of corn hole.

Apparently I’m wrong, because the next thing I know Chad walks up to Aaron Roger’s brother and goes, “You think this is a show? You’re safe for now, but one day this ends. When this ends, you go home. When you go home, you think I can’t find you?” I am screaming at my TV. Literally screaming.

Meanwhile Alex gets ready for the date by putting on what I assume are his lucky USA socks.

So many nopes with Alex. All of the nopes. Also, observation: 99% of The Bachelorette is just dudes sitting closer to each other than they’re comfortable with.

Wells says that there is terror surrounding this date and right he is! Alex and Chad immediately get into a helicopter and I’ll tell ya right now there is no way in hell I would get into a helicopter with Chad. I am honestly SHOCKED he didn’t shove Alex out of it.

They meet Jojo in the woods and go on a hike. Of course right away the Bachelor producers give Chad a machete and Alex a hatchet, just to make things interesting.

This date is awkward. They sit on a blanket and Chad talks about floating down rivers.

Jojo chats with Alex, who obviously rats Chad out immediately. Although I fucking hate Alex, he is a genius for telling Jojo that her beloved Aaron Roger’s brother was threatened.

Jojo asks Chad if he threatened Aaron Roger’s brother and he goes, “I mean, it’s…” which is never a good way to start an answer. He doesn’t know what to tell you, Jojo! He may have said something to that effect but they were all PUSHING, PUSHING. Jojo is basically like what the actual fuck are you talking about.

Chad whistles as he walks back towards Alex, which is exactly what a serial killer does before chopping someone into a million pieces.

The two of them are now in the most asinine conversation I have ever heard in my life. Chad goes, “Life ain’t all about blueberries and paper airplanes,” and then suddenly they’re arguing about milk. Once I finally get a grasp on the milk convo, they’ve moved on to Alex saying, “Hay’s in the barn” and Chad replying with, “Pigs are in the castle.”

Am I watching Drinking Out Of Cups or something? Did they eat shrooms off camera on this fucking hike?? What the shit is going on.

Alex gets the rose because obviously Chad is going to murder everyone in the house if he stays. Personally, I’d like to see both of these fools leave. Chad peaces out and walks through the woods in complete darkness.

News travels back to the house about Chad’s departure and wow, dez boyz are CELEBRATING. They toastin’, they party poppin’, they drankin’.

It feels like the episode is about to end on the ultimate high note of an 80s-style freeze frame, but suddenly CHAD IS KNOCKING ON THE FUCKING DOOR. I am freaking out right now and am positive that I will have nightmares for the rest of the week.

Thankfully The Bachelorette would never end on such a chilling moment, because they actually leave us with Canadian Daniel attempting to mount Evan.

Tune in in TWO WEEKS (all of the sads) to see what the FUCK Chad is doing at the front door. I may be going out on a limb here, but I think he came back to get his phone charger. No? Hm.

Read Monday night’s recap here. Or the rest of them here.

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The Bachelor Recap: “I Was Like, Meant To Meet Ben.”

February 23, 2016February 23, 20162 Comments

Bringing a guy home to meet your family is cool until four seconds after you walk in the front door. Then everyone starts being so them and it’s like eeeee we should get going!

Amanda gets the first hometown date, and we know it’s going to be all about dem tiny tots. It’s pretty presh, except Ben almost lets one of her children wander into the ocean.

Little Charlie screams for the entire duration of the car ride home and it’s like good, let it out, babe. Show Ben what he’s in for because if he thinks parenting is all fun and octopus sand toys he’s got another thing coming.

At this point Ben looks COMPLETELY fucking wiped and is probably wishing it was his nap time too. Kids, amiright? Fak.

Amanda’s dad starts their conversation by going, “So, um…” which is basically the only thing a father can say at a time like this. They talk, and here is Ben realizing that he is in over his head:

Yuuup, that’s the face of somebody ready to be a father.

On Lauren B’s date, she takes him to a food truck and I have to say that is the fucking move, girl. I took my boyfriend to a food truck the other day and we shared a bratwurst AND a smile.

Lauren is stoked because they’re just “eating lunch, walking around,” which is truly the crux of every relationship. Pepper in a little couch sitting and that honestly is like, ALL it is.

I assume they are killed by a rogue food truck and have drifted off to heaven, because they are now in a whiskey bar that cannot possibly exist on this planet. Mama like.

She brings him home to meet Dave, Christie, Bryant… everybody!! In what can only be described as he whitest, most picture perfect family I have ever seen in my life. They are the cover of a board game’s god damn DREAM.

Seriously, Chutes and Ladders should take this image and photoshop their product into it.

Also Lauren has a hot sister. Ben can’t put into words how he feels about her (Lauren, not the hot sister), and he is now crying real tears. I am CRINGING but her sister fucking LOVES this shit. Look how into it she is:

Lauren tells her parents that Ben is her person and now SHE’S crying. And now I’M crying! (JK, the only thing I cry for is Biggest Loser makeover week and I need to take a decongestant after that beautiful magic.)

Also this is every father trying to talk sense into his kid/that same kid wanting NONE OF IT:

Nice try, Mr. Bushnell! Also Lauren totally fucking bails on saying I love you to Ben, and I want to call her a pussy until I realize that if I were on this show trying to say I love you to someone I would just stand there making very strange and uncomfortable facial expressions. (All of my friends are nodding at their computers going yep, that’s Sam.)

He leaves and it’s on to Caila and this god damn bench she’s obsessed with.

They go to her dad’s TOY FACTORY, which is fucking legit as HELL. A toy factory? Yes. They’re going to build this house and I’m thinking ya know, a doll house. Instead they build like, one of those plastic Playskool houses you keep in your yard that after it rains gets all wet and shitty. Ben is oddly pumped about it though so what the hell do I know about plastic fucking houses.

Everyone is happy for them, including this applauding factory worker.

We meet her parents, and I can’t stop giggling at her father. I honestly don’t even know why. He is just cracking me the fuck up tonight.

Caila cries and says things like, “Daddy, I know this is it.” She also refers to her mom as mommy fifty thousand times and I don’t know why it is creeping me out to my core, but it’s probably because she keeps whispering it like a god damn psychopath.

I’m suddenly convinced she’s too smiley and may eventually turn into that woman from Misery, but that’s my marijuana-induced paranoia for you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, Ben!! Did somebody just knock on my door??

We’re onto Jojo’s date, which starts with her getting a bouquet of roses. This makes me immediately wary because of said paranoia, but also because you and I both know Ben gives out one rose at a time.

She reads this letter, slowly realizing that it’s not from Ben. Umm, what the fuck is going on and WHO the FUCK is CHAD. Also what grown ass man named CHAD does his L’s like that when writing the word love? Something is fishy here. Might be the tilapia I ate for dinner, but I think it’s the CHAD.

Apparently her ex has had time to think while she’s been gone for 39 days (let it sink in that all these betches have only been away for 39 days). But was Jojo WITH CHAD 39 days ago?? So many unanswered questions. Also fuck these Bachelor producers. She legit thought Ben was saying I love you and it turns out it was fuckin’ CHAD!

She cries and explains to Ben WHO THE FUCK CHAD IS and here is his face as she does so:

Thrilled. Anyway they’re off to Jojo’s parents house, which is a total shit hole.

Her brothers hate him (“He’s no Chad!!” -One of them, I’m sure). But you know what? I don’t care if they hate Ben, because I hate them. Now we all hate each other.

Jojo’s mom is like yeahhhh this is a little much for me, and swigs straight from the god damn bottle of champs like a woman after my own heart.

One of the brosefs is like “I don’t know if you were coached on your answers…” Basically he is grilling Ben like a fucking sirloin. I’m sure all Ben wants to do is be like hi, remember how we’re on a TV show? K.

At the rose ceremony, Jojo’s body is BANANAZ and they all stand there like wax wife mannequins.

Lauren B. gets the first rose, then Caila. Nice knowin’ ya, Amanda. Ain’t nobody gonna give up on Jojo’s fine ass. She could belong to the fucking Manson family and 10 out of 10 bachelors are bringing her into that fantasy suite.

Amanda is irritated that he sent her back to LA only to send her home again at a rose ceremony. I FEEL HER and think this is an excellent point until I realize she lives like, not that far from LA. Maybe an hour and a half.

Next week Ben says I love you to two women, which is throwing me for a LOOP. Is that allowed? There are rules, you know. I think. Aren’t there? Shit.

Check out more of my recaps here.

The Bachelor Recap: “Come At Me, Bro.”

February 9, 2016February 10, 2016Leave a comment

I’d like to go on record and say that the helicopter cameramen on this show all deserve raises. I don’t know if it’s just one guy named Ned or if it’s a fleet of sexy Marks and Seans, but I respect his/their work.

We left off last week with Ben pulling Olivia aside before the rose ceremony and I was sure her ass was going home right then and there. But they talk about why the fuck nobody likes her and she explains that all the girls in the house are into painting nails while she’s into “reading books and thinking.” SO THAT’S WHY THEY DON’T LIKE HER. BECAUSE OF THE BOOKS AND THE THINKING.

Ben lets her stay and Emily is freaking the fuck out about it. She is like, SO upset and I wanna be like girl, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.

In the Bahamas, Caila gets her second one on one date and since Leah hasn’t even gotten her first date yet it gives her a bad case of the sads, which quickly turns into the mads. She can’t even look at that fool!

On Caila’s date they do some kind of fishing that requires her to wear a plastic belt and I’m going to be honest with you, it’s not my favorite look. Definitely wouldn’t be fighting my way into Bloomingdale’s for it. Also Caila and Ben are looking 100% straight out of SkyMall right now.

They talk about their feelings and Caila feels like she loves him, but is afraid to hurt him because he feels unlovable and she feels like she can’t totally love? It is a lot of WORDS that don’t really mean anything, but I guess that shit works because Caila gets a rose.

On the group date they feed pigs on a strange Bahamian pig island that I’m positive I’ve read about on Buzzfeed/UpRoxx/www.whogivesashit.net. It is COMICAL and I would be terrified.

Look at JoJo with these pigs. Nooo thank you.

Meanwhile Ben and Lauren B. are clicking so hard you’d think they were the right side of my jaw (I suffer from TMJ), and the editors paint in Leah’s bikini bottoms because if there’s one thing Bachelor Nation can’t handle, it’s a little bit o’ ass.

Leah cries on the fucking beach and the second she calls Ben an idiot, I know she’s going home tonight. BEN HIGGINS IS AMERICA’S SWEETHEART and I think it’s actually illegal to talk about him like that.

He spends the entire night apologizing to the other betches for drooling all over Lauren B. and Leah is not having it. She goes, “I don’t want to start drama, or name names, but-” which you and I both fucking know is always how the SHADIEST shit starts. She says that Lauren B. doesn’t act the same around the girls as she does in front of Ben. Put your glasses on, ladies. That was a fucking READ.

Ben tells Lauren and when Leah is confronted about it she chokes out a, “Well I didn’t say anything. I’m not the type of person to like, single somebody out.” Ohhhh snap, this girl is lying through her fucking teeth!! This is absolutely wild.

The girls talk about it later and of course Lauren B is crying and Amanda is rubbing Emily’s arm. This is the start of so many lesbian pornos I can’t even tell you. NOT THAT I WATCH PORNOGRAPHY OF ANY KIND, MOM.

Leah curls her eyelashes, then goes to see Ben in the middle of the night so she can talk even more shit about Lauren B. She actually says that’s why she’s going over there and it’s like what the FUCK is going on tonight?!

Ben is just sitting in his room drinking red wine by himself with a full camera crew when she shows up, so naturally he’s pretty surprised to see her. She goes in on Lauren and I’m convinced Ben is thinking bitch, you’re talking smack about my girl, you’re out. Which is EXACTLY what happens. I am a sorcerer.

Leah feels like an idiot, and she should because she was totally being an idiot. Baiii.

It’s time for the classic Bachelor 2-on-1 date, where there’s “two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes…” and I hope whoever wrote that on season 1 of the Bachelor still gets residual checks because that line is PURE GOLD.

Olivia and Emily are not thrilled to be going together, nor are they particularly thrilled at how windy it is today. Not a great day for boating. I would be puking overboard.

On this random ass island of wind and freezingness Olivia talks to Ben and I half expect her to say she’s already filed paperwork to change her name to Olivia Higgins. Instead she just keeps saying weird things about herself like that she’s comfortable in her body, which we all know is a fucking lie because she had to clear that cankle shit up REAL quick a few weeks back. She also says the sentence, “Intellectual things are my jam.” YA. I BET.

She tells Ben she loves him and then something juicy goosey happens. He says she’s great, “but…” and she immediately knows she’s done. Look at her face as she realizes.

Hey. Real talk. I know Olivia is bat shit crazy, but everything about this breakup is pretty fucking harsh. He’s basically like, “Yeah I’m not feeling it. Gotta say bye.” Ice cold, Higgins! Doesn’t even walk her out, because she’s on an island and limos can’t get there.

It is still so god damn windy I can’t handle it. Neither can Emily’s hair.

Emily. YOU HAVE TWO HAIR THINGS ON YOUR WRIST. Get your shit together.

They leave Olivia on this island all by herself, I’m assuming to die. I just can’t get over these helicopter cameramen! You guys are getting some FOOTAGE tonight!

The rest of the ladies get ready for the cocktail party/rose ceremony, but once they’re done up to high heavens Chris Harrison shows up instead of Ben. “Oh shoot” is right, Becca. Oh shoot is right.

Ben is being a little emo and doesn’t want a cocktail party. He’s tired of talking to you crazies, okay? His mind is made up. But once I realize there are 7 girls left I totally get it and am like ahh, bye Lauren H.

Lauren B. is tripping balls about maybe not getting a rose because of Liar Leah, which is sheer insanity and she needs to calm her shit down. She of course DOES get a rose and like I said, we say goodbye to Lauren H.

They tease the rest of the season and by the end of the package my mouth is OPEN. I don’t know what’s going to happen but it sure as shit looks like he decides to propose to someone he’s already sent home. Fasten your seatbelts, guys. This emotional roller coaster is juuuuust creeping up to the big drop.

Check out more of my recaps here.

The Bachelor Recap: “I’ve Never Been This Turned On In A High School Before”

January 12, 2016January 12, 2016Leave a comment

I hope there are litter boxes in the mansion, ’cause things are starting to get reeeeal catty.

The population of a small country goes on the first group date with Ben, where they go to a fictional high school to do different challenges. Thankfully they don’t take them to a college campus because half these girls would be going, “Where are we? What is this??”

Chris Harrison comes out to explain what the shit is going on, except we can’t call him Chris anymore, we have to call him MR.HARRISON because he’s dressed like what every Hollywood stylist pictures when a producer tells them “he needs to look like a teacher.”

They have to make Ben’s volcano explode, which I at first think is a reference to some kind of science experiment but then they put on safety goggles and it’s like ohhh they’re talking about his penis.

They also have to put the state of Indiana onto a blank map of the United States and it’s at this point that I hold my legs tight to my chest and let out a slow, creepy grin. This is going to be GOOD. And you know what? It is.

Can you even keep someone who thinks this is the direction Indiana faces? Play the virgin card all you want, Becca. From now on the only thing I will remember about you is that you thought Indiana went sideways.

Ben’s chilling with the girls after their very embarrassing geography lesson and he kisses Jennifer! And then she blabs to all the other girls about it and they start to stew like little chunks of beef. (“A stew joke? Like, a joke about stew??” –All of you to me)

The next date card arrives at the house and I can’t tell if Olivia is excited about it.

But then Caila gets the date card.

Back on the group date Lace is freaking the FUCK OUT that Ben won’t notice her (which is how all the clothes in the back half of my closet feel), so she starts rambling to him about a photograph or something? I’m gonna just sit here and eat raspberries instead of try to decipher what the hell she is talking about.

Jubilee interrupts her to talk to Ben, which is customary in the Land of Bach. But Lace CANNOT BELIEVE that Jubilee would do that to her, OF ALL PEOPLE. Bitch, you met this person yesterday. Of course she would do that to you.

After kissing Jubilee, Ben is now kissing JoJo on top of a helicopter pad. How many times do you think Ben masturbated when he got back to his hotel that night? Can you really be making out with smokin’ hot girls all night and then just fall asleep to an episode of The First 48? I don’t think so.

On Caila’s date, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube come to Ride Along (in theaters January 15^th!!) with them and Kevin Hart keeps talking to Ben while standing on very tall steps so we won’t notice that he is literally over a foot shorter than Ben.

They drive around and then get into a hot tub in a hot tub store.

On the final group date, the girls go to a “love science lab”. That shit better be completely made up because if it isn’t, everyone at that company should be arrested for fraud. Ben smells the girls for some kind of “test” and says Samantha’s scent is sour. YIKES with a capital Y. The only thing that would’ve been worse is if he’d said rotten tuna.

In a “temperature lab” (again not a real lab, there is no reason anyone needs to be wearing lab coats), Ben and Olivia get real close and she can’t understand why they don’t just bone right then and there. It’s starting to turn into some kind of strange Tron Porn.

Amanda tells Ben that she has kids, but that doesn’t stop Ben from giving the rose to Olivia because as Patti Stanger would say, the penis does the picking. Ain’t that always the way. Also Ben is wearing a sport jacket over a hoodie, which makes me tilt my head to the side like a dog listening to a very high pitched whistle.

Olivia is being cocky AS SHIT about the rose and is already calling herself Olivia Higgins and saying that the show can be over now. Ladies, we’ve got a new villain on our hands.

At the cocktail party Lace talks to Ben again and with every passing syllable is digging herself a deeper and deeper grave. My soulless ass is actually starting to feel bad for her because it’s like EEEEEEE stop talking!!

One of the twins says that this is “a lot more different” than she thought it would be, so my impression of her was pretty spot on. Meanwhile Ben is giving out trinkets like he’s pushing a goddamn cart. A photo, a blue ribbon, some barrettes for Amanda’s daughters.

Amanda cries at how sweet the gesture is but honestly, someone in a headset probably handed him those things and was like, “Here, go make barrettes for her kids” and he was like, “What’s a barrette, one of those training bras??” “No, that’s a BRAlette.”

LB leaves during the ceremony after getting a rose, which is fine because I have no idea who she is and the faster we can get to the total meltdowns of at least five to eight girls, the better. They’re starting to unravel already and Ben seems to be taking it well.

Next week we got some drama with Jubilee, but I would not fuck with her because she’s probably killed a man. Just saying.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

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Tag: rose ceremony