The Bachelorette recap: “Pillaging My Feelings And Raiding My Heart”

June 28, 2017June 28, 20171 Comment

THIS SHIT IS ANOTHER TWO HOURS?! Jesus Christ, Chris Harrison. You crazy.

We last left Rachel on the 2 on 1 date, contemplating life while leaning on a very mossy tree.

That tree’s fake, right? They for sure brought that shit in. I find it highly sus.

Meanwhile Kenny is screaming at Lee, and although they basically have to bleep every word out of his mouth for an entire minute, I’m pretty sure at one point he says, “I’m going to drag my dick across your grave,” which is honestly the best thing I’ve ever heard. (These are the types of visuals that I, as a writer, strive to create.)

Continue reading →

The Bachelorette recap: “Bye, Snaky”

June 27, 2017June 27, 20171 Comment

I just want you guys to know that my god damn E key stopped working today, so please appreciate the fact that EVERY motherfucking E you see in this recap was typed by PASTING ONE. Just think about that. It’s so sad. (If I typd at my normal lightning spd, th sntncs would look lik this!! AHH!) That is how much I love you/am completely selfless.

If you’re wondering where we are in our EPIC JOURNEY TO FIND LOVE, it’s with ol’ racist Lee calling Kenny a “stack of bleeding muscle.” It is um, how you say, not good.

Continue reading →

Get It? Impeach?

May 19, 2017May 19, 2017Leave a comment

tumblr_oq5ouzdvlh1r7gjrwo1_1280

His combover is a leaf.

[via]

When You Find Out A Hot Guy On Tinder Is Really Short

March 28, 2017Leave a comment

tumblr_on6heuupyh1rby04wo1_1280

Another one bites the dust.

[via]

The Bachelor recap: “Don’t You Dare Overlook Me”

February 7, 2017February 7, 20171 Comment

HOW BOUT THAT SUPER BOWL, HUH? THEY REALLY THREW THE FUCK OUT OF THAT BALL.

We left off in Bachelorland (Please God aka Chris Harrison, make that a theme park) at THE DINNER, with Taylor showing up after getting some weird healing shit done to her in the god damn swap, now ready to open a can of Diet Whoop Ass on Corinne.

The other girls POW WOW about it, and they are all sitting way too close together on the couch.

I cannot touch arms or thighs with someone sitting on a couch with me. The mere thought of it makes me aggressively crack open another beer to calm my nerves/fuel my growing alcoholism.

Continue reading →

The Bachelor recap: “Everywhere I Turn There’s Poop”

January 24, 2017January 24, 20172 Comments

Let me take a second to say how proud I am of all the badass bitches who marched this last weekend. I would tongue kiss you all if I could. I love you. And what better way to celebrate feminism than to go fucking IN on Corinne at this pool party, amiright?!

Everybody is still freaking out about the whole straddle situation, to the point where I’m pretty sure “bouncy house” has turned into 85% of these girls’ trigger word. (None of them will ever be able to go to a child’s birthday without sweating profusely and/or bursting into tears.)

Continue reading →