Tag: corinne

The Bachelor recap: “Everywhere I Turn There’s Poop”

2 Comments

nick viall eat cookie bachelor.JPG

Let me take a second to say how proud I am of all the badass bitches who marched this last weekend. I would tongue kiss you all if I could. I love you. And what better way to celebrate feminism than to go fucking IN on Corinne at this pool party, amiright?!

corinne-bachelor-dont-give-a-fuck

Everybody is still freaking out about the whole straddle situation, to the point where I’m pretty sure “bouncy house” has turned into 85% of these girls’ trigger word. (None of them will ever be able to go to a child’s birthday without sweating profusely and/or bursting into tears.)

Continue reading →

The Bachelor recap: “Everyone Is Rubbing Their Ass On Him Right Now”

1 Comment

i-puked-bachelorstill tastes fine bachelor.JPG

You might’ve spent your MLK Monday picking your nose and Liking videos of goats befriending anteaters or some shit, but The Bachelor takes #NoDaysOff, OKAY?

Since last week was To Be Continued, they have to back this ish up and refresh our memories about LIZ, DUN DUN DUNNN. Remember her? He kicked her to the curb, but she’ll probably still put “MET AND FUCKED NICK VIALL AT JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING” on her headstone (she’s already purchased the plot next to Nick’s great grandmother).

Continue reading →

The Bachelor recap: “He Held My Boobs, Okay?”

1 Comment

adam and eve.JPG

Look I’m gonna be real, I woke up at 5:30 in the morning yesterday, went to work, EXERCISED, worked on my writing, made dinner (jk I watched my boyfriend do it), and then READ A BOOK so by the time Nick Viall graced my god damn television screen for a new episode I was practically crying over such a sweet reward for a day well done.

I know I should’ve put that in a fucking diary but YOU GUYS ARE MY DIARY!! Just soak it in, accept it. Anyway the girls are excited about the dates this week, especially Sarah, who is making a face like a brunch waitress is refilling her bottomless mimosa.

sarah the bachelor nick.JPG

The first group date features no fewer than one thousand women, and they will all be modeling wedding gowns in a photo shoot with Nick. Except some of the girls will actually just have to be bridesmaids. LOL! Some producer with weak-at-best personal relationships is cackling from their office as we speak going, “God dammit that was a great idea. These bitches will flip out!”

Continue reading →

The Bachelor recap: “You’re A Wiener In My Book”

1 Comment

the bachelor promo nick.JPG

GUYS! HEY!! HOLY SHIT I MISSED YOU! I’VE BEEN WELL, THANKS. JUST TRUCKING ALONG, WRITING FOR A TELEVISION SHOW AND CONSTANTLY DYING MY HAIR BLONDE. (ALSO EATING TONS OF BREAKFAST BURRITOS!)

Sorry, I had to use a paper towel as a coffee filter this morning so things are just all WACKY on my end. We kick off this season with Nick passionately exclaiming, “I’m Nick and I’m the Bachelor,” in case any of you were sitting at home going, “Hm, I’ve been waiting for this day for four fucking months, but I can’t for the life of me remember who the big show’s all about. Luke? Chase? A newly single and batshit crazy Josh Murray?” LOLZ.

We check out what Nick’s been up to since he dumped Jen’s ass on a beach, and here he is pretending he still has a job:

nick-viall-chicago

Nice workbag. It’s probably filled to the brim with head shots and Sugar Bear hair vitamins.

Continue reading →