After two weeks of Italian wine, Kentucky eclipses, and sweet home Chicago, ya gurl is back! I’m told I have 45 hours of Bachelor in Paradise to catch up on??
New recap up this Monday.
Tag: sam jarvis
The Bachelorette finale recap: “I Cried My Eyelashes Off”
Let me start by saying that I watched the first 70% of this finale in Kevin Connolly’s sports bar stuffing my face with rosé and mozzarella sticks, like a woman after my own heart. But then I had to leave early so I could get home and start this recap for you guys because I LITERALLY WORK 24 HOURS A DAY. (Except when I am in my underwear watching The Office.)
The Bachelorette Men Tell All recap: “Ocular Facts”
Guys, we made it. The penultimate episode of The Bachelorette, where we get to FINALLY hear the intense opinions of boys who went home on night 3.
This shit kicks off by taking a look back at past Men Tell All memorable moments, and I’ll be the first to admit I NEVER saw the one where Ashley and JP got a god damn sonogram on TV. Like, wheeled the fucking machine out to see if they were having a boy or a girl. Have y’all never heard of cutting into a blue cake? What the fuck.
Mashup On Repeat
Charlie Puth – Attention/We Don’t Talk Anymore (Alffy Rev mashup)
I Wrote A Whole Thing And Then It Went On TV
Writing jokes for Tosh.0 is a great job. But the best part of being a writer here is getting to shoot really, really, REALLY silly things.
Like the The Triple Kentucky Hobby Horse Derby Preakness Stakes at Belmont Crown, for example.
I want you to know it was 90 degrees outside the day we shot that. The writer wearing head-to-toe armor was… not thrilled with me.
[via]
The Bachelorette recap: “Let’s Go Meet The Lindsays!”
Like me when I’ve got a Ticketmaster cart full of Beiber pit seats that is :27 from expiring, we are DOWN TO THE WIRE. We’ve got Eric, Peter and Bryan left, so I am settling in for a night of steamy fantasy suites. At least Raven “I’ve never had an orgasm” isn’t here. That shit was a DOWNER.
But Rachel explains that her sister is pregnant as shit, so instead of being separated and meeting her family when it’s down to two, all three of them are going to mosey on over to Casa Lindsay one by one and get that outta the way. I don’t hate it, because honestly the last thing I’d want to do the day after I bone someone for the first time is introduce them to my entire family. 🙂
The Bachelorette recap: “What Does He Want Me To Call Him?”
Welp, my house is filled to the rafters with zucchini noodles, so you know what that means: HOMETOWNS!! Guys, we’re down to the final four and if you aren’t stuffing your face with spiralized squash and Paul Newman’s Sockarooni sauce, ya ain’t doin’ hometowns right!!
Eric’s up first so Rachel is in Balitmore, and is Eric maybe attractive now? He isn’t in a suit that’s twelve sizes too large on him, so now it looks like he mysteriously grew 2 feet.
Music On Repeat
Demi Lovato – Sorry Not Sorry
BLOWIN MA DAMN HEADPHONES OUT WITH THIS SHIT.
The Bachelorette recap: “Challenging, Not Difficult”
If I’m keeping it 100 right now, I literally cannot remember where these fucks are on a globe.
Norway? Denmark? It’s a been a pret-ty boozey two weeks since I last checked in with these noodles, so if I get any immediate details wrong please remember that I drank an entire bottle of champagne whilst floating around in a pool yesterday covered in SPF 50 from head to motherfucking toe, so I’m a lil cloudy.
Malibooyah
Hope everyone had a nice 4th of July, and ended the day with a Wendy’s frosty like I did!!
who is sam jarvis 