Bachelor in Paradise: “Who Has The Better Vagina?”

September 5, 2017September 5, 2017Leave a comment

Like a vibrator in need of a new set of batteries, I am starting to lose steam. It’s probably because two fucking episodes a week of this show is pure insanity and I don’t have the emotional stamina for it, OR it could be that I continue to make poor dietary choices and therefore spend half my time feeling tired and the other half wondering if I’m having a heart attack. Sigh.

But tonight’s episode was one only hour, so maybe I WILL get enough sleep and can be a high-functioning adult tomorrow! (I’d settle for a low-functioning adult at this point.)

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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “He’s Skinny But He’s Cute”

August 30, 2016October 19, 20161 Comment

I want you guys to know that I’m at my parents house this week, and instead of spending precious time with the people who birthed and raised and supported me, here I sit on the living room floor drinking rosé and watching what appears to be week 40 million of this thing. That’s how much I love you guys. (And this entire beautiful franchise.)

Like every episode this season, we left off with Ashley crying about Jared.

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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “I’m Getting Dumped For A Lamp”

August 23, 2016August 23, 20161 Comment

Let me start off by saying I was recently corrected on some of my Bachelor shit, so it’s time for me to publicly apologize. Apparently Nick’s hot piece is JEN, not JENNA. No idea why I went fucking rogue as shit and added letters but maybe part of my subconscious wanted to make her a TINY BIT more interesting. Anyway sorry JEN.

We left off in paradise at a pre-rose cocktail party, where Ashley is sobbing her eyeballs out.

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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Josh Has A Steady Diet Of Amanda’s Tongue”

August 10, 2016August 10, 20161 Comment

I’m gonna be honest with you noodles, the relief I felt when I saw that Tuesday nights are going to be hour-long episodes instead of two is FOR REAL. Like yes, my goofy ass eats this shit up but at some point you gotta give a bitch a break. I need some SPACE, Bachelor in Paradise.

So Josh and Amanda are still making out all over the place, I assume only taking breaks when one of them misses their own reflection in a mirror and needs to go visit themselves for a bit.

Nick is salty as hell about it, but basically it’s distracting for everyone.

Christian shows up and Josh immediately tells him that he and Amanda have a connection so he can fuck off with any notion he had about dating her. Please picture me giving a HUGE EYE ROLL. Here is Josh’s stupid face as he says that stupid shit: