Men Tell All Recap: “Sometimes You Choose Apples When You Should’ve Choosed Pickles”

July 27, 2016July 27, 2016Leave a comment

There’s been so much going on in the world lately that it’s important to gain some perspective and remember what really matters: grown men acting like little girls.

The Bachelorette’s Men Tell All kicks off with a producer yelling, “5, 4, 3, 2, 1…” as if this shit is live and everyone is scrambling around going, “Places, places!!” Spoiler alert, none of this is live. Nobody needs a countdown in their earpiece.

They of course open on Chad’s arrival, where he whistles like a sociopath while wearing an all black suit like he’s Johnny fucking Cash. They also give him a fictional movie trailer, which makes me actually laugh out loud because I know for a fact none of these dork noodles get trailers! MAYBE they get access to a craft services table. Maybe.

Chris Harrison gives us a sneak peak of Bachelor In Paradise, premiering next Tuesday on ABC.™ Here’s all you need to know about that:

Also they promise multiple proposals, so eat shit, Jade and Tanner!

Back in reality (where I am most comfortable), Chris introduces all of the men, including a bunch of people I forgot and one person I am positive I’ve never seen before in my entire life.

As Chris goes down the line to give everyone their 3 milliseconds of fame, Chase gets a HELL of an applause. Also, they introduce Luke after Chase. Um, guys? Chase was kicked off later than Luke. We all know that. You can’t go IN ORDER this entire time and then flip flop the two guys we remember mot vividly. I know you’re trying to tee up ol’ Luke for the Bachelor spot, but I’m pretty sure the crowd’s roaring reaction to Chase says it all.

They then recap the season, which can be summed up in one photo:

Or two:

Now we get into the MEAT of the drama. Chad and his deli snacks. Derek vs The Cool Kid Clique. I forgot everybody hated Alex, but they did. Wells goes in on him, saying that because Alex is a marine he has lived his entire adult life in conflict and doesn’t know how to be a normal person. Wells, Wells, Wells! Comin’ in with the zinger.

Randos start voicing their opinions too and it’s like guys, really? You were on the show for two days. Nobody cares what you thought about any of this shit. Thankfully the guy in the kilt doesn’t make a peep.

It’s time for Chad to come out, and every single guy there is freaking the fuck out. They are all scared as shit, like they’re about to do a seance and resurrect Satan himself.

Turns out it’s for good reason, because since filming Chad has fucked TWO of their ex-girlfriends, which just goes to show that he was NOT KIDDING when he spewed all that shit about how his crazy ass was NOT going to back down once the show did.

Chris Harrison is all, “So just to clarify, Hope is Robby’s ex-girlfriend and Jen is Grant’s ex-girlfriend?” Chad’s like YEP, and they dumped those broads the second a Bachelor producer got them on the horn. Then I fucked them.

Nick stands up and is ready to fight, which is such an empty threat I can’t even. Oh, you’re really undoing your cufflinks to fight him right now? Sit down, Santa. You’re embarrassing yourself.

They don’t fight, because Chad explains that if they DID, they would slip and fall in their dress shoes and it would look stupid. When he’s right, he’s right! Best excuse to get out of a fight, maybe ever.

Some of the other guys throw insults his way and he CLAPS BACK with, “Your pocket square doesn’t match your shirt.” Oooo, burn! Got ya, bitch. Classic matching diss.

Except now Chad says that Robby threatened to beat up his ex-girlfriend if she talked about their relationship to the press. Look I’m certainly not on Team Robby, not now not ever, but there is NO WAY Robby said he was going to BEAT HER UP. What was he gonna do, roll up his linen shirt, kick off his loafers and pound her face in? Doubt it.

Evan wants his wormy time on camera, so they talk about the infamous shirt ripping. Turns out Chris Harrison “pulled the tapes” from what I assume is the dusty old library where they keep all the footage of people sobbing in the backs of vans, so we are going to be able to watch it back and discuss. I personally think Evan was being aggressive/a little bitch, but I’m not the ref here.

Luke is in the hot seat, and I completely forgot that when he first met Jojo he rode in on a unicorn, so there’s that. He explains that after he went home he was having anxiety attacks a couple times a week and it’s like yeah, bro, I bet you were. That shit looked fucking traumatic. Here’s him watching back said trauma:

Chris Harrison keeps saying things to him like, “So you’re ready to find love again?” and it’s like we get it, you want him to be the next Bachelor. But if that applause meant anything, I’m thinking America wants Chase.

Chase talks to Chris next, and boi is looking pret-ty fucking good.

For as boring as I found him week after week, I’m starting to really get on the Chase bandwagon. Sure, he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, but it’s not like Ben Higgins was a fucking rocket scientist. (“Should that be my next career move?” -Ben)

Jojo finally comes out to face more ex-boyfriends than anyone should ever have in their lives, and here’s how Luke and Chase are feeling about seeing her:

James T. tells her that she’s better than all of the dating apps (LOL). Chad does the opposite of that, and tells her that Robby broke up with his ex to be on the show and Jordan is a fame whore whose own brother won’t speak to him. In my mind he then immediately made finger guns with both hands and mimed blowing them out. Jojo’s not thrilled about what he has to say.

Now Alex wants to know how Jojo feels about the way they broke up. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say she probably feels nothing.

Vinny’s mom shows up to do some kind of comedy bit about how great Vinny is, and it’s like honey, I don’t even recognize Vinny without his weird hairline so you’re going to need to slow down and then also point him out to me.

And put your belly button away, Derek. Gross.

Jojo talks to Luke and Chase, and it’s the classic Men Tell All-type shit where they really want closure but she seems like she really DGAF. In like, a nice way though.

We wrap up by watching a blooper reel where Jojo gets mauled by a wild dog.

Was that supposed to be funny?! Jesus Christ. Terrifying. Next week, Jojo is a hysterical mess! Do they fly Neil Lane to Thailand? I bet they do!!

Read the fantasy suite recap here. Or other ones here.

Or read my Twitter feed. It’s kind of silly.

PS, is this whole special just a round-up of suspected sex predators? More on that at eleven:

The Bachelorette Recap: “Country Clubs and Coloring Books”

July 26, 2016July 27, 20163 Comments

When life gives you lemons, you’re supposed to make lemonade. When Jojo’s life gives her lemons she sort of just, eats the lemons?

We left off last week with four dudes standing in an airplane hanger like chumps while Jojo sobbed hysterically on the tarmac. Luke just told her he loves her and now the other boys are like WHAT is happening.

In the most dramatic rose ceremony of the season (© Chris Harrison) she keeps Aaron Rodgers’ brother, Robby, and Chase. Talk. About. A head scratcher. I know none of my friends were into Luke, but I felt like my weird attraction to his clichés and tall hair is what bonded Jojo and I together for eternity.

Girl is like, UPSET and it’s leading me to believe that the producers forced her to kick him off so that America will love him enough to make him the next Bachelor. I don’t usually believe in conspiracy theories, but this is exactly like that time everybody said we landed on the moon and we didn’t.

Luke is shocked. So shocked, that I worry some of his unresolved PTSD is going to come back and haunt his every thought. This is the face of someone who’s going to need to go BACK to therapy for this shit:

He’s like, WHAT?? Meanwhile Jojo is literally snotting all over the tarmac with her deep, heavy sobs. I want to be like babe, you didn’t have to send him home? OR DID YOU?! Dun dun DUNNNN. (“Get a grip, Sam.” –Me to myself, almost every day)

The final three go to Thailand for what Jojo calls the “exotic overnight dates.” Is she fucking high? They’re called Fantasy Suites. How do you forget the token phrase of The Bachelor franchise (besides, “He has all the qualities I’m looking for in a husband, but…”).

Robby’s date is up first and they meet in a marketplace where I guess it’s humid as balls. He immediately goes, “And you thought Florida was hot!” Well, well, well, look who’s suddenly a comedian! This is how pleased Robby is with his joke:

I half expect him to go, “…Right?! ‘Cause it’s hot there too! Jojo? Are you listening?” Truthfully I know he won’t say that, because he only calls her Joelle these days, which is juuuuust creepy enough for me to think he’s going to cut off locks of her hair in her sleep and keep them in a Ziplock bag under his pillow forever.

Speaking of hair, look at his fucking hair:

I know it’s in the EXACT same place as it is every single time I look at it but honestly my anger for it is growing at a frighteningly rapid pace. (However if he’d like to share his teasing techniques, hit me up.)

They get pedicures (I think they were just massages but in my mind he got a fresh coat of OPI’s Lincoln Park After Dark) and walk around this marketplace while is absolutely POURS. I mean, it is raining SO HARD and I want you all to realize how intense it is to lug god damn EXPENSIVE ASS CAMERAS around in a monsoon. I can’t begin to imagine how many huge plastic bags are duct taped around them.

That night Robby brings a note from his dad to prove once and for all that Jojo can trust him. I would prefer that he brought a doctor’s note, as that is the worldwide currency for, “You have to believe me” but you can’t win ’em all.

Then SHE gives HIM a note and it’s like guys, we are nowhere near a classroom right now, you don’t have pass notes back and forth! You can just talk to each other’s faces. Anyway Robby grins and goes, “I will gladly forego my individual room” which makes me laugh out loud but also makes me cringe. This guy knows what’s about to go down:

She then sits in front of the camera and tells the world she loves Robby. UM, SAY WHAT NOW? She loves Robby? Like, loves loves Robby? Did she see that last week he only buttoned the bottom button of his shirt? Should we tell her that in case she didn’t notice??

Cut to the classic morning-after breakfast (“Morning-after breakfast? What’s that?” –Every girl in America) and they’ve got a fuckin’ spread.

Jojo is thrilled and says, “It’s our first breakfast together!” It is very alarming because she’s still talking like she actually does love Robby.

Aaron Rodgers’ brother’s date is next, and they’re going on a hike! He has a huge backpack on that I assume is just for holding all of his expensive hair oils.

They get to a temple where they can’t kiss, and then sit on a rock and enjoy the beautiful vistas.

Get it? I said vistas because they’re starting at a fucking rock.

At dinner, she needs to get to the tough questions. She asks him what the future looks like and his response is, “That’s a tough question to answer,” which let me tell you is the WRONG answer.

I can tell she’s starting to freak out because she goes, “That’s what Ben said!” and I immediately shout OOOH, GIRL!! I mean, damn, you’re bringin’ fucking B-Ball Higgins into this mess? She asks how he knows it’s forever and he lets out a big exhale, which I think translates to how hard do I have to work to get this fucking fantasy suite key?

Jojo loves him too, guys. She says so. Moments later, she patiently waits for the D.

The next morning she’s all giddy and says, “We’re eating our first breakfast together!” Bitch, you already said that. YESTERDAY MORNING. TO ROBBY. We get a final glimpse of their love with the obligatory walking-away-shot that producers of this show cream their pants over.

On Chase’s date, he kisses a fish.

Okay fine, they also have a beach day and it’s actually pretty romantic. Chase is opening up and although he is still pretty boring, there is vast improvement. He’s maybe even sexy and it’s like great, Chase. Way to really bring your A-game once she’s already fucked two other guys she’s in love with. That last ditch effort is what Aaron Rodgers’ brother would call a Hail Mary.

Before the evening part of their date, they keep showing Jojo and Chase in separate rooms staring into the distance so I know trouble is brewing. Sure enough, there is a knock on her door and fucking ROBBY shows up. Like, in the middle of her day with Chase.

Robby is a piece of shit. Who does that? I do NOT LIKE IT. He just wanted to say hi, because he is not man enough to just be confident. Aaron Rodgers’ brother may be a little douchey but you know what he’s not doing? Showing up to say hi.

I’m really worried about Chase. I have a soft spot in my heart for him after their fucking beach day, and I know it’s because this show has mind control serum in it and they’re toying with my emotions however they damn well please.

He is going to be so sad, so soon. But in Jojo’s defense, there is no amount of Xanax that could calm me from the panic of three men being in love with me at the same time. I’d be like, “WOW OKAY. I HAVE TO GO,” and would immediately pack my bags, move to Costa Rica and start going by the name Sofía.

In the fantasy suite he tells her he loves her and also tells her he’s never said I love you first. I am probably as sick to my stomach as Jojo is. Here is her face, which is all you need to know about how this night is going to go for him:

She needs to take a moment, so she sits outside and cries. I would sit out side and BARF. I would barf so much Thai food all over the place because this shit is looking stressful as FUCK right now. Here is Chase waiting for her to come back and smash his heart into one million pieces:

She comes back and says she didn’t feel how she wanted to feel when he said that, blah blah, and he is like, mad. He goes, “I get the point,” and stands up. Yes, Chase. Slay! Except then he goes, “So love means get the fuck out?” Eeee! This is some family divorce baggage rearing its ugly head.

A lot happens in a small amount of time, but basically she keeps shouting his name and he tells the cameras that what just happened to him was the emotional equivalent of pulling your pants down and getting kicked in the nuts. Eloquence has never been his strong suit.

At the rose ceremony, which is now just Robby and Aaron Rodgers’ brother, it is slightly awkward. They notice he’s not there and they’re both kind of stoked on it.

But then, suddenly, CHASE WALKS DOWN THE STEPS.

I thought his plane would be halfway over the Pacific by now. She goes to talk to him and the other boys are sweating, literally.

Chase says he’s proud of her, he’s impressed by her, he’s not mad. Let me just say if any guy I’ve ever broken up with came to me the NEXT DAY and said those things I would be like GREAT! That is fucking great. A real weight off my shoulders.

Robby and Aaron Rodgers’ brother obviously get the last two roses, and next week will meet her family. If anyone remembers Ben’s season, Jojo’s family was the one where the mom drank straight from a bottle and her brothers were huge assholes. I’m sure it’s all going to go VERY WELL.

More importantly the MEN TELL ALL is happening TONIGHT, and I can’t wait to see the whole gang! And yes, my little ducklings, I will be recapping it. This is my whole life now.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.

I am also hilarious on Twitter.

Now, who wore their dumb mode of transportation best?

The Bachelorette Recap: “Do You Want Ice Cream Or Do You Want Steak?”

June 8, 2016June 8, 20162 Comments

Is there anything more magical than unpredictable rage on national television? (Being surrounded by puppies who were rescued from a fire, duh.)

Let’s jump right into this pool party. Papa Chris Harrison forces Chad to apologize and he is not great at it. He knows it’s a piss poor effort, but he keeps it movin’ and drinks the most strange colored green juice on the planet. It might be straight Chlorophyll.

Everybody has a great time humping inflatable flamingos and I’m just praying to god they’re all wearing sunblock because you know what’s scarier than Chad? SKIN CANCER.

Speaking of skin, Jojo must have told the producers that she’s attracted to gigantic, horrible tattoos. Every fucking guy in this house is PROUDLY rocking one.

They all jump in the pool and Evan’s nose immediately starts bleeding, which is exactly what I would expect from him. I bet he’s also allergic to peanuts.

Chad wants to talk to Derek, who is a pretty big dude to be so scared of Chad. Every time they cut to Derek he is bitching about how terrified he is.

Chad is fucking pissed as shit at everybody and basically says KEEP MY NAME OUTCHA MOUTH. He is in a sour ass mood about it but I’d love for him to take a moment and appreciate his surroundings. He is battling unrestrained rage in the most beautiful, picturesque room ever.

At the rose ceremony the only thought I have is SLAY, JOJO, SLAY. This fucking crop top number is WORK-ING. I think I’m going to stop eating (after lunch).

All the dudes are stressing the fuck out about the possibility of Chad getting a rose and they go on and on about how “there are good guys here.” Yeah, good guys she has no interest in boning, ya dorks. Who gives a flying fuck if Nick’s a good guy, he showed up day one in a full on Santa Suit. He’s got. To go.

Alex gets a rose before Chad and he suddenly shoots to the tippity top of Chad’s Kill List.

We’re down to the final rose, and we all know Chad’s getting it. As he does, I laugh to myself while remembering Evan’s dumb ultimatum. He just immediately caved. GO HOME, EVAN. YOU PROMISED.

Jojo tells the remaining guys to pack their bags! Are they going to Morocco? Turks and Caicos??

Pennsylvania. Neat. Alex is excited about it, and I hope someone packed him a bologna sandwich and his footie pajamas.

I mean fuck, Alex. I get that you’re short but you have to at least ACT like a god damn man. You know who I don’t want to marry? The guy who gets to a beautiful suite at a nice resort and immediately slides down the banister. Not sexy.

Luke gets the one-on-one and they go dog sledding. In my head I have already named all of the dogs: Benjamin, Donald, Ricardo, Sasha, Melissa, Trevor, Jacqueline, and Ray.

Now they get into a hot tub in the middle of the forest. I’m worried they’re going to get skeeter bites out there but that’s just me, constantly ruining the vibe. BTW, Luke is looking FINE AS HELL. I don’t know what it is about that quiet motherfucker but he is smokin’ hot.

I mean, that is ideal.

They get to talking and it’s clear as day that war veteran Luke has seen some shit. Like, some real scary shit. Jojo wants to find out more and I wanna be like girl, I don’t know if you do! Once you open Pandora’s box I hear it’s fucking hard to close.

Back at the hotel everyone talks about the possibility of a 2-on-1 date and Alex goes, “I’m not about that life.” I literally hate Alex more than I hate Chad. Science fact: if you use the phrase “not about that life” with 100% seriousness there is a 0% chance you will be welcome in my bed.

In sexy steamy love land, Luke explains that he used to be a lieutenant in Afghanistan and his best friend was killed in the line of duty. What did I tell you? Seen. Some Shit. Jojo is all over him like me on cupcakes:

Girl is IN. You know what Luke would never do? Slide down a banister. After dinner she surprises him with ANOTHER private country concert, and when I say private I mean not private.

It’s actually fucking adorable and if I had drank even one glass of wine tonight I would be sobbing hysterically right now. Guys. They’re like, in love already.

On the group date they go to a football field and meet Ben Roethlisberger (took me over five minutes to spell that right). They do some drills, Aaron Roger’s brother is jizzing his pants at the mere thought of the ol’ pigskin, and things start to get competitive.

Suddenly James T. is crying blood. Dude got hit in the face and needs stitches.

Because everyone in the world is on this group date, the only people left to hang back are Luke, Alex and Chad. Chad explains the logic behind his aggression and how if someone doesn’t stop talking, “the only way I can get you to shut your mouth is to hit you.” Here is Luke’s reaction to that sentence:

Somebody should pass that info along to Jojo so that one day she doesn’t go rambling on about her Sephora haul and suddenly finds herself with a fat lip. Which to be honest, might give her more surface area for the lipstick she got from Sephora!!

Back on the field, Evan feels dangerous.

LOL. While Aaron Roger’s brother was “dropping dimes out there” (gag) Evan gets his SECOND nosebleed of the week. Is he an aggressive nose picker, what’s the deal? The blue team wins in overtime and gets more time with her.

At the cocktail party Aaron Roger’s brother is afraid to open up to her, but then he does. Great storyline, guys. A real page turner. He tells her he’s falling for her and subsequently gets the rose.

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the 2-on-1. Before they go, Chad asks who has a problem with him and they all raise their hands. Chad calls Alex a whiny little bitch and asks him if he wants to go outside. Then GRANT calls CHAD a coward, and Chad asks GRANT if he wants to go outside. Chad sure does invite a lot of people outside. I mean look, maybe he just loves the outdoors and wants to play a round of corn hole.

Apparently I’m wrong, because the next thing I know Chad walks up to Aaron Roger’s brother and goes, “You think this is a show? You’re safe for now, but one day this ends. When this ends, you go home. When you go home, you think I can’t find you?” I am screaming at my TV. Literally screaming.

Meanwhile Alex gets ready for the date by putting on what I assume are his lucky USA socks.

So many nopes with Alex. All of the nopes. Also, observation: 99% of The Bachelorette is just dudes sitting closer to each other than they’re comfortable with.

Wells says that there is terror surrounding this date and right he is! Alex and Chad immediately get into a helicopter and I’ll tell ya right now there is no way in hell I would get into a helicopter with Chad. I am honestly SHOCKED he didn’t shove Alex out of it.

They meet Jojo in the woods and go on a hike. Of course right away the Bachelor producers give Chad a machete and Alex a hatchet, just to make things interesting.

This date is awkward. They sit on a blanket and Chad talks about floating down rivers.

Jojo chats with Alex, who obviously rats Chad out immediately. Although I fucking hate Alex, he is a genius for telling Jojo that her beloved Aaron Roger’s brother was threatened.

Jojo asks Chad if he threatened Aaron Roger’s brother and he goes, “I mean, it’s…” which is never a good way to start an answer. He doesn’t know what to tell you, Jojo! He may have said something to that effect but they were all PUSHING, PUSHING. Jojo is basically like what the actual fuck are you talking about.

Chad whistles as he walks back towards Alex, which is exactly what a serial killer does before chopping someone into a million pieces.

The two of them are now in the most asinine conversation I have ever heard in my life. Chad goes, “Life ain’t all about blueberries and paper airplanes,” and then suddenly they’re arguing about milk. Once I finally get a grasp on the milk convo, they’ve moved on to Alex saying, “Hay’s in the barn” and Chad replying with, “Pigs are in the castle.”

Am I watching Drinking Out Of Cups or something? Did they eat shrooms off camera on this fucking hike?? What the shit is going on.

Alex gets the rose because obviously Chad is going to murder everyone in the house if he stays. Personally, I’d like to see both of these fools leave. Chad peaces out and walks through the woods in complete darkness.

News travels back to the house about Chad’s departure and wow, dez boyz are CELEBRATING. They toastin’, they party poppin’, they drankin’.

It feels like the episode is about to end on the ultimate high note of an 80s-style freeze frame, but suddenly CHAD IS KNOCKING ON THE FUCKING DOOR. I am freaking out right now and am positive that I will have nightmares for the rest of the week.

Thankfully The Bachelorette would never end on such a chilling moment, because they actually leave us with Canadian Daniel attempting to mount Evan.

Tune in in TWO WEEKS (all of the sads) to see what the FUCK Chad is doing at the front door. I may be going out on a limb here, but I think he came back to get his phone charger. No? Hm.

Read Monday night’s recap here. Or the rest of them here.

Follow me on Twitter, but only if you want to.

The Bachelor Finale Recap: “I’m A Lost Man Right Now.”

March 15, 2016March 15, 2016Leave a comment

Well, shit. We made it to the end and like any great fairytale, I find myself wine drunk and full of meatballs, tearfully begging someone to READ. IT. AGAIN.

Chris Harrison immediately teases us with the possibility of a live wedding on After The Final Rose, which is 100% the only way he’s going to get me to stay up that late.

Honestly they should’ve started this 3 hour shit show a little earlier in the day ‘cause real talk I am already sleepy. But EXCITED! Anyway he teases this wedding and Ben’s PASTOR is here. I suddenly hear myself go, “What the fuck is going on,” which is literally what I say about every single thing in life that has anything to do with religion.

Back in Jamaica both of the girls are wearing cutoff shorts 24 hours a day (I assume they have molded to their bodies at this point) and Ben says that his head is a mess. No shade, but I feel like Ben’s head isn’t usually terribly organized anyway.

He talks to his parents and his mom refers to them as “Lauren “ and the “other girl,” in case you wanted to know where she stands on this. Lauren meets his parents and literally holds his mom’s hand while they talk.

Is it VERY STRANGE LOOKING and my hands would get so fucking clammy you’d need one of those tiny forks to pry them open (wow, bad joke). Lauren like, really wants to be part of the Higgins family. #NeverForget that Lauren wants a life with him. Like, a life life life.

Jojo meets his parents the next day and brings them a conch shell with flowers in it. Not my favorite choice, but she’s basically been at sea for a month so I’ll let it slide.

Ben tells his folks about all of their moments. About how they had a date here, a date there, how she laid her head on his shoulder and they talked. I cannot IMAGINE saying that shit to my parents. “Hey mom I really like this guy, I put my head on his shoulder and we talked.” My mom would be like Sam get a fucking LIFE!

Jojo asks Ben if he’s ready to get married at the end of this and he says yes while SHAKING HIS HEAD NO. He’s a 26-year-old smokeshow, so I don’t see why he is even pretending he wants to get married at all. Give it ten years, buddy! There is so much pussy to be had.

His parents smell the huge mound of shit Ben currently stands in so his dad goes, “Unfortunately you can’t propose to two different ladies,” which I would only say if Ben were 85 and in a nursing home trying to decide between Esther and Mary Jo. Ladies?? They aren’t old maids, DAD.

Ben is really starting to freak the fuck out. As is his mom. She cries and is like, super worried about who he’s going to choose because it’s SUCH a big decision and I’m starting to wonder if she thinks he is contractually obligated to marry the one he chooses? This is a television show, Amy. It’s not AS big of a deal as you think it is.

We keep checking back with Chris Harrison but really we keep checking in on Ben’s god damn pastor, who stands in the wings of the studio reading a Bible. Look I don’t care if you’re a pastor: when you get flown to LA to be on television, I would think you’d rather count all the lights on stage or try to identify which people milling about are the executive producers, than reread a book you’ve read a million fucking times.

Lauren and Ben have their final date, where they lie on a boat together and talk.
I would be SO BARFY on this date I can’t even tell you. Yeah sure, let’s drop anchor and just chat about our love together while we sway up, and down… up and down… up and down. I could throw up thinking about it.

I am however totally into the fact that Ben is mentally losing his shit. GOOD. Do you know how many bachelors have just super casually dumped somebody without suffering any devastating inner turmoil? Basically Ben could use a fucking Xanax.

He def wants to explain this whole “I also said I love you to Jojo” business, but all he can get out is the phrase “No matter what happens…” which is the #1 thing someone in Lauren’s position does NOT want to hear. Look how not happy she is hearing that:

Ya. But thankfully we cut back to BEN’S PASTOR again just to remind everybody that “No matter what happens” some crazy shit is gonna go down in this finale. (I think I hate Ben’s pastor.)

The first thing Ben says when he sees Jojo for their date is that he is going to pray for clarity. How about you just search through that junk drawer of a brain and figure this shit out yourself, dude. Also I want to pray for some Claritin, because my eyes are itchy as FUCK right now. Jesus. Allergy season AMIRIGHT GUYS?!

He and Jojo make out in front of a waterfall because really that’s what they do best.

She asks if he feels good and Ben being Ben goes, “Um.” Nice try, but girl is NOT going to let you off that easy. He SQUIRMS as Jojo asks why he feels so confused and where they’re going to live after the show wraps and all I can think about is how I bet Ben has had a stomach ache for the past week and a half. I would go through so many fucking Tums on this show.

The main thing to take away from every conversation Jojo has with anybody is that she and Ben are best friends. Then buy each other these adorable avocado bestie necklaces and move on! This is a show about LOVE, not about who you can laugh with as you rip a huge fart.

Jojo needs a sign. SOMETHING to know that he’s going to pick her and she doesn’t fucking get one because he’s not gonna fucking pick her. She asks him the REAL REAL as they sit on a bathroom floor off camera and Ben finally cracks.

She is like, mega sads and feels FOOLISH, okay Ben? Foolish. Back at the live show Chris Harrison says the word dramatic for the 8th or 10,000,000th time tonight. We get it, it’s dramatic! I didn’t expect this finale to be a fucking snoozefest, bro. It’s about the exact level of drama I was anticipating.

Neil Lane asks Ben if he knows who he’s, ya know, PICKING OUT AN ENGAGEMENT RING FOR and Ben looks pret-ty unsure about it.

But in true Bachelor fashion all of a fuckin-sudden he totally knows and surprise! This hasn’t been as confusing for him as we thought. He loves somebody more, plain and simple. Now for the moment of truth.

Jojo and her bad dress come out of the helicopter first and all I can say as I pour the last of my red wine into my glass is, “Oh girl.” Her heart is about to be curb stomped.

She gives him a long speech about their future together and I’m starting to wonder just how sadistic ABC is, because I want to die right now. He says nice things to her and then twists the knife with the magic word, “But…” Here is her face as she realizes she outtie:

Her first reaction is basically WTF?? And then she does the most perfect thing ever which is nod her head and go, “Mhmm.” Oooooh, girl is pissed, Ben! You’ve really done it.

The bad bitch that she is, Jojo lets him have it. She is basically like fuck this NOISE and as they walk out she’s like, “I gotta go,” which is SO classic because she’s had literally nowhere to go for like, 2 months and suddenly she’s acting like her Palm Pilot is jam packed with meetings.

Ben calls Mr. Bushnell and asks for Lauren’s hand in marriage. Is that a thing people still need to do? I get that it’s romantic but the feminist in me is like um, pretty sure you need to be askin THIS BITCH that question but OKAY.

He gets a yes from Lauren B’s dad and then does this very nerdy fist pump into the air as he lets out a big WOO?? I am covered in goose bumps because of how cringey it is. Lauren gets out of the helicopter and he tells her he wants to kiss her face. He then obviously proposes to her and it’s pretty fucking cute, I’ll give them that. Pretty cute indeed.

Chris Harrison immediately goes, “How good was that?” as if we just walked out of a matinee of Hamilton or some shit. The After The Final Rose special is, in a word, LONG. But I patiently wait for what I swear to God better be someone’s god damn wedding at the end of this.

They announce that Jojo is the next Bachelorette (May 23rd, y’all!), which is very exciting partially because I think she is the producer’s WET DREAM of a bachelorette but mostly because I can’t wait to walk into work in the morning and go IN YOUR FACE, FUCKERS!!!!! to everyone because I’ve been saying Lauren B was gonna win and Jojo was going to be the bachelorette for like, 7 weeks now. Oh, you thought Caila was going to be the bachelorette? That’s cute.

The wedding ends up being a god damn cock tease. There totally isn’t one and what they pretended was going to be this big build up to something was just a big build up to a RAMP DOWN. Everybody just stands around hugging for the remaining minutes of the show. Technically Ben re-proposes to Lauren but we literally JUST watched you propose to her the first time like, five minutes ago! Get your shit together, ATFR!!

Thanks for reading these recaps, kiddos. I hope you enjoyed them as much as I enjoyed WORKING MY ASS OFF to write them. I kid. It’s been fun.

Imma be recapping the shit out of Jojo’s season of The Bachelorette and season 3 of Bachelor in Paradise, so hold on to your granny panties. Patience is a virtue that I also struggle with.

In the meantime, read all my other show recaps one by one as if they are an advent calendar counting down to the premiere. (I do not provide tiny chocolates, although I fully support you eating some on your own.)

Read the Women Tell All recap here.

My recap of the fantasy suite dates can be found here.

If you’re more into hometown dates, that shit is here.

The Bachelor Women Tell All Recap: “It’s Hard To Watch It Back.”

March 8, 2016March 8, 20161 Comment

You know when you break up with 26 people, and then they all sit in a room together with a shit ton of fake eyelashes on and talk about you? BEN GETS ME.

We kick off the Women Tell All (alternate title: Women Are Mad!) with Ben and Chris hitting up some Bachelor Nation viewing parties. They just walk in the front door of people’s houses as if nobody in the entire country locks their fucking doors at night. Lock your doors, people!

There are a couple things to take from this beautiful adventure Chris and Ben are on together. First, one of these houses has 40 girls in it. FORTY GIRLS! If I lined up all my girlfriends, including my best friend when I was 3 (Paige from Apple School), there would be like, twelve people. Quality over quantity, aight? Look at all these betches:

The second thing to take from it is the cake with Chris Harrison’s face on it that says, “Hare for the right reasons.” I honestly have no fucking idea what this cake is about. Easter hasn’t even HAPPENED yet. Is it a play on the name hare-ison? This is absolute crazytown.

At the Tell All, I assume Ben is chilling backstage eating veggie dip and/or a hummus platter from craft services while Chris introduces all the women scorned. They start going through them and it’s like who are these people?! So many girls I totally forgot about and a few I am positive I have never seen before in my life.

Chris plays footage of the DRAMA and we cover all the bases: Lace, Jubilee, Leah, Olivia. Remember Lace? (“How could I forget her when she haunts my dreams at night.” -You)

We get into it with Leah and by we I mean Chris Harrison straight up turns to her and goes, “Leah, what happened with you?” and the crowd BOOS HER.

Don’t roll on Lauren B, girl! Don’t. Roll. On. Lauren. B. Leah doesn’t think her PRIVATE (FILMED and MIC-ED) conversation should be discussed among the girls even though I have discussed it among MY girls, and I don’t know any of these people personally, professionally, or otherwise.

Leah’s not looking good in this but it’s Jamie who’s really shitting the bed. She is talking like, way too much. You weren’t there, Jamie! Nobody remembers you, JAMIE. However Jamie’s blabbering is a nice segue* into the Jubilee conversation.

*UMM DID YOU KNOW THIS IS HOW YOU SPELL THE WORD SEGWAY?? WHAT THE FUCK.

Amber and Jamie are mad at Jubilee because she kept saying how she was the only full black girl on the show. Chris Harrison’s white ass is like hmm I’m going to chill by these very nice flameless candles and let you guys work it out. Not touching this topic with a 5 million foot pole. (“Siri, remind me to google full black girl definition later” -Chris whispering into his phone)

After Jamie repeats herself 70 fucking times Leah literally turns to her and is like, “Get over it” which I believe is her subtle way of clapping back at Jamie for her earlier bullshit.

Jubilee apologizes for anything that offended them, because she’s a badass bitch and girl can step up when she needs to. I always liked that knucklehead. It’s time for Jubilee to sit with Chris and it’s here I remember these girls have to relive their entire fucking journey in a video package before Chris forces them to talk about it. This is the exact face I would make if I had to watch a highlight reel of my past relationships:

Neat footage, fuckers. However Jubilee is still a little sads about how it went down, as evident by this single tear:

It’s Lace’s turn in the hot seat, and I am officially buried under my throw blanket, head poking out as if I just heard the loudest clap of thunder while home alone because my parents are out at the boat gambling. In short: I am scared. Lace is so fucking happy to watch herself cry. She thinks her own heartbreak is HILARIOUS:

This is of course the sign of a serial killer. BUT, the one thing she learned from being on the show was to be aware of her facial expressions. This makes me smile. There is a 100% chance I would totally change everything about my expressions after watching myself on a reality show. Has Olivia opened her mouth once since this circus of an evening started? No. No she hasn’t.

Now some guy interrupts them to show us a tattoo of Lace’s face on his body and Chris Harrison wants us to think this was a totally random occurrence even though he is the only god damn man in the ENTIRE audience.

Lace is officially invited to Bachelor in Paradise, coming this summer to ABC!™, and I cannot wait. Sure, the bachelor’s more magical. But Bachelor in Paradise is more sunburn-y, which honestly might be better.

Olivia is up, which means all the girls are cracking their knuckles, ready to actually murder this bitch if she calls herself Olivia Higgins. This is where things start to get squirrely. 1) Amanda has no voice, which is not the worst news in the world since her voice drives me un poco loco. 2) Olivia is going to be in DOUBLE TROUBLE with the twins tonight. 3) Who the FUCK is Izzy.

Olivia makes some great points here. Sure, she stole him away first at cocktail parties, but these catty bitches made fun of her breath and her toes and her breasts! Yas, girl. Speak on it. She says she was bullied as a kid and some random girl who I think is named Jennifer goes, “Well if you were bullied as a kid, wouldn’t you learn to change your behavior?” NOTICE TO ALL CHILDREN: THIS IS BAT SHIT CRAZY. Pret-ty sure that’s not how bullying works, ya piece of shit.

Basically any plan of vengeance against Olivia has backfired completely, because every time someone I don’t recognize yells at her all I can think is WHO ARE YOU. Were you ON the show or are you like, a lighting woman yelling at Olivia? Also I fucking hate the twins and want them to, in Leah’s words, get over it.

Olivia says she’s sowwy, guys. Not a single betch apologizes to her for ripping apart her body on national television, so that’s nice. Way to keep it classy, ladies.

Caila sits with Chris and has to watch her breakup with Ben, which when you think about it happened very recently. She misses him, and Lauren H. obviously feels all of the feels about it:

It’s time for Ben to face his outer demons (yup, I just called them that) and I bet he’s sweating through his suit. Chris also mentions that because Ben said I love you to two women, he’s already Fucked with a capital F.

The girls get to ask him “closure questions” and Jubilee needs to know why when he dumped her he didn’t give her another chance like how he gave Caila or JoJo anther chance when they weren’t opening up? That might not have been what she was asking but she said SO MANY WORDS before she got to an actual question that Ben and my eyes are completely glazed over.

It’s Amanda’s turn and she’s just like Ben, you’re great, keep doin you, pal. It is so silly and fabulous. Chris asks if Ben can tell the twins apart and I am THE MOST sad when he gets them right. I would call up Time Warner and let them charge me $29.99 to watch him get that wrong.

We’re onto the blooper reel, and I am giggling through this entire thing. Who doesn’t love a blooper reel? All I want to do for the rest of my life is watch people swat at bugs and trip down stairs. They also show Becca in the middle of a serious conversation where she calls Ben Chris, as in Chris Soules from last season. HA! Finally a non-boring moment from Becca.

Chris Harrison sums up the night by saying how much America has loved Ben and how he’s, “on the Rushmore” as far as top bachelor dudes go and it’s like Jesus, Chris, suck his dick already.

We get a preview of next week’s finale, and here is what Ben’s mom thinks about all this in-love-with-two-women drama:

Tune in next Monday for the THREE HOUR live event (my bedtime is going to get completely blown out of the water). Here’s what I’ll be doing as I watch… stuffing my god damn face:

Read last week’s fantasy suite recap here.

Check out more of my recaps here.

The Bachelor Recap: “There’s Our Boyfriend.”

January 26, 2016February 10, 2016Leave a comment

This season is really starting to hit its stride, and as usual there are a few girls trudging behind the pack like that one slow ass rhino in Jumanji.

We head to Vegas, where JoJo gets the first date card. Olivia acts like she’s cool as a fucking cucumber about it because she’s, “Zen with Ben,” but you and I both know she is starting to crack and is probably giving herself pep talks in the mirror. (That mirror, she will later realize, is actually a houseplant.)

A helicopter comes to pick up Ben and JoJo and it blows her away! No literally. It smashes their champagne and everything goes flying.

Back at the hotel they read the names on the group date card and that shit goes on FOREVERRRRR. The only way it could possibly sound more like a list of the top 50 baby names of 2015 would be if one of them was named Madison.

On the date, they are all going to be in a talent show. Ahh, yes. I have a feeling some of these ladies are talent-LESS and that’s going to make it MUY INTERESANTE.

Olivia goes on and on about this secret talent she has planned and everyone including me is over it. Is she going to shoot ping pong balls out of her pussy or something? Whatever it is, she is taking it 100% too seriously.

Now. When I say her cake-strip-tease is awkward, I mean it is very, very awkward. Let me tell you something. If you ever have to get on stage in front of people and think to yourself, “I’m just going to wing it,” that shit NEVER WORKS.

After the talent show Caila and Ben make out and he calls her a SEX PANTHER, which makes me giggle. (She does kiss very aggressively so, perhaps he has a point.) What does NOT make me giggle, is Lauren H. kissing the ventriloquist doll.

Olivia, you should be feeling pretty fucking good at this point because watching Lauren kiss this doll is BY FAR one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen in my entire life and I’ve basically forgotten about your panic attack .

But Olivia HAS NOT forgotten about her panic attack. She has to talk to Ben. She HAS to explain why the fuck she jumped out of a god damn cake in front of 1,200 people. But Ben’s eyes are glazing over as if he’s using all of his brain power to subdue the boner that’s still lurking in his pants from ol’ Sex Panther Caila.

For Becca’s one on one date she gets sent a wedding dress and these thirsty bitches are soooo jealous. She meets him at a chapel and he pretends to propose to her, which is supposed to be cute except you can see on her face that home girl is TRIPPING OUT about it and def DOES NOT want to marry Ben. Look at her eyes. Sheer terror.

For their date Ben officiates weddings, and as I watch all of these adorable, normal couples get married I just keep smoking more and more weed and thinking to myself wow, I am going to be SO HAPPY on my wedding day. (I also ate four tacos during this time. I lead a rich life.)

Back at the hotel, I can’t tell if the girls are starting to get tired of all this bullshit or not.

We think there’s a rose ceremony soon but hot damn, Ben wants to go on a 2-on-1 date with the TWINS!! This is crazy. I get it, they share a car, have the same job… it’s a little creeps and he’s got to pick one. (Now I am wondering what their actual job is, since under the employment section all it says is, “Twin.”)

He goes to their house, which is full of overweight dachshunds and photos of Haley’s ex-boyfriend. Subsequently, Haley is gone.

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony and I’m wondering how many goddamn cocktail dresses these girls have to bring on this show. So many dresses!! Olivia has another conversation with Ben where he stares blankly at her, having no idea what she’s talking about. He then talks to Jubilee and she is the fucking best. She is a bad bitch and I love her for it.

Olivia isn’t worried about not getting a rose because, “I read a lot of romance novels where things just come together.” Of course she reads romance novels. Of course.

Rachel (“Who?” –You) and Amber get kicked off and Amber is fucking mad about it. As soon as she starts walking away I say to my boyfriend, “She is so ready to take those heels off-” And as soon as the words leave my mouth she takes those damn heels off. Girls, amiright? We get each other.

Next week we’re off to Mexico, where Olivia tells Amanda she’s like a bad episode of Teen Mom or something? Not sure. Gonna be weird.

Check out more of my recaps here.

The Bachelor Recap: “It’s Either Good News, Or Bad News.”

January 19, 2016January 19, 2016Leave a comment

Me: “What is, girls are mean?”

Alex Trebek: “Ah I’m sorry, we were looking for, complete bitches.”

I’ve always said that putting your best foot forward involves trashing Olivia. I’ve ALWAYS said that. We kick off with girls sitting on chaise loungers wondering why, HOW, Ben likes her. If you ladies at home are wondering the same thing, go ahead and ask your boyfriend (who you’ve tied to the couch and forced to watch this). He’ll tell you. She’s fucking hot.

Lauren B. gets the first date card, prompting one of the girls to explain that the highlight of her day is, “those glimpses that I get to see him, before he takes other women on dates.” Yes, good. This is normal.

Lauren goes on the date and their first order of business is to get in some tiny-ass prop plane to do tricks and shit. Um, no thank you. If you’ve been reading my recaps since the dawn of time (summer-ish) you will know that Sam Jarvis DOES NOT FUCK WITH SINGLE PROPELLOR PLANES. My palms sweat in business class three white wines in, let alone in a tin can Harrison Ford’s probably already crashed.

They fly to a hot tub in the middle of nowhere, which seems cute but he was JUST in a hot tub with Caila, so something about this gives me the ewws. Also is there some sort of generator out of frame? What’s powering this thing? (I’m 100 years old.) Anyway Lauren B is officially adorable and they would make very cute, very white babies together.

Back at the mansion the girls are like, not having a great time. I can’t imagine why spending days trapped in a house with people you fucking hate would be terrible, but I guess it is! The group date card arrives and everybody’s names are on it except Becca, JoJo and Jubilee, so Jubilee knows shit ain’t in the cards for her.

The group date is all about soccer, and Lace doesn’t know goalies can pick the ball up with their hands so the other team scores. This immediately gives me flashbacks to my AYSO days when once a season they’d force me to be goalie and I was so nervous I thought I was going to shit my pants for the entire hour.

While waiting to talk to Ben during cocktail hour one of the girls is like, “I don’t want to sit on a couch and sip on my water” which is the REALEST fucking thing I have ever heard anyone say about their time on The Bachelor. That is 96% of what their lives are.

But while they sit and sip, they of course have to talk about Olivia again and as the words pour out of their bitch mouths I am shoving more and more seaweed snacks into my face. This is good TV, guys. They not only say that Olivia has bad toes, but also that she has fake boobs and BAD BREATH.

Jami finally speaks this episode and she should’ve started with, “I’m Jami and I’m a fucking snitch.” She IMMEDIATELY tells Olivia what they said and it’s like wow, you are not allowed in my drug ring, you are a rat. Olivia asks what body part they made fun of and right away guesses her calves, which made me go HA! Very loudly and scare my sleeping boyfriend. She goes on to say, “Am I aggressive? Yeah. Do I have bad toes? Yeah” and suddenly I’m like you alright, Olivia. You alright.

Except then she starts talking about how Ben “pushed off her leg,” which to her meant they are now talking in secret code and I want to grab her by the shoulders, look her in the eyes and say Olivia, sweetheart, you’re a fucking psycho.

In a TWIST!!!!!! Jubilee gets the final date card, but has literally zero chill and starts acting like a crazed cat climbing up a curtain. She is being SO AWKWARD, which is apparently what one of the girls calls “awko-taco” and whoever the hell just said that should pack up their shit and go.

Jubilee is afraid of heights and is already acting a fool, but has to get in a helicopter anyway. Out of nervousness she jokes, “Does anyone want to go on my date??” WELL. LET ME TELL YOU. This does NOT sit well with the ladies, nooooo siree. They’re super pissed because “Ben planned an amazing date” which is a laugh out loud statement and I can’t believe these grown ass women STILL think that Ben is planning these dates! You think he’s sitting in a production meeting like, “Guys, I want to take Jubilee on a helicopter ride to this one really cute spa I know of.” Um, no. Not how this works at all.

Jubilee’s still being kind of squirrely and spitting out food she thinks is horrible, but then she tells Ben that she’s obsessed with hot dogs and suddenly I’m like girl, maybe we are more alike than I thought!! Ben is just happy he can finally see what a normal day would be like with her, because this is a totally normal day:

Jubilee opens up and explains that her entire family died in Haiti except her. Well, shit. She’s officially lived ten thousand more lives than any of these betches in the house who think “Ben wants a soccer mom.” (Sure, Lauren H. Guy’s dicks get hard thinking of boring ass soccer moms with THICK MIDWESTERN ACCENTS. That’s a thing.)

At the rose ceremony, somber Ben announces that his family friends died in a plane crash, so Olivia immediately steals him away to clear up this calves/toes business. She says it’s really hard and starts crying. (Pret-ty fucking sure an editor got THREE gold stars for making it look like the crying is about the cankles and not the plane crash. Well done.)

Jubilee gives him a massage and Amber is like oh hell no. She wants to talk to her but Jubilee is NOT HAVING IT. She doesn’t want a fucking girl chat, okay Amber? You’re being a mean girl and it is NOT a good look. You know who agrees with me? Ben. He shoots Amber’s ass down so fast she’s like wait, what? If I were in that house and the girls wanted to “have a talk” I’d be like yeah, no. I’m gonna keep eating this slice of pie hovering over the kitchen sink (I eat my feelings).

In a great final show button, Lace is outtie. She just can’t deal anymore and starts quoting her tattoo. She knew her ass was getting the boot and wanted to get out ahead of it! Gotta respect that.

Olivia is freaking the FUCK out about how there is only one rose left and she doesn’t have one yet. He had to punish her for talking about her damn calves while he was mourning the deaths of his friends, ya know? She gets the final rose, and then revisits this “secret communication” business. She says that when they hugged he squeezed her waist and she took that to mean, and I quote, “He can’t give me everything all the time and he knows I can handle that.” Or, ya know, he hugged you. Either one.

We’re in Vegas next week, so you know what that means!! …Wait I don’t know what that means. If you do, can you inbox me? Perf.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

The Bachelor Recap: “I’ve Never Been This Turned On In A High School Before”

January 12, 2016January 12, 2016Leave a comment

I hope there are litter boxes in the mansion, ’cause things are starting to get reeeeal catty.

The population of a small country goes on the first group date with Ben, where they go to a fictional high school to do different challenges. Thankfully they don’t take them to a college campus because half these girls would be going, “Where are we? What is this??”

Chris Harrison comes out to explain what the shit is going on, except we can’t call him Chris anymore, we have to call him MR.HARRISON because he’s dressed like what every Hollywood stylist pictures when a producer tells them “he needs to look like a teacher.”

They have to make Ben’s volcano explode, which I at first think is a reference to some kind of science experiment but then they put on safety goggles and it’s like ohhh they’re talking about his penis.

They also have to put the state of Indiana onto a blank map of the United States and it’s at this point that I hold my legs tight to my chest and let out a slow, creepy grin. This is going to be GOOD. And you know what? It is.

Can you even keep someone who thinks this is the direction Indiana faces? Play the virgin card all you want, Becca. From now on the only thing I will remember about you is that you thought Indiana went sideways.

Ben’s chilling with the girls after their very embarrassing geography lesson and he kisses Jennifer! And then she blabs to all the other girls about it and they start to stew like little chunks of beef. (“A stew joke? Like, a joke about stew??” –All of you to me)

The next date card arrives at the house and I can’t tell if Olivia is excited about it.

But then Caila gets the date card.

Back on the group date Lace is freaking the FUCK OUT that Ben won’t notice her (which is how all the clothes in the back half of my closet feel), so she starts rambling to him about a photograph or something? I’m gonna just sit here and eat raspberries instead of try to decipher what the hell she is talking about.

Jubilee interrupts her to talk to Ben, which is customary in the Land of Bach. But Lace CANNOT BELIEVE that Jubilee would do that to her, OF ALL PEOPLE. Bitch, you met this person yesterday. Of course she would do that to you.

After kissing Jubilee, Ben is now kissing JoJo on top of a helicopter pad. How many times do you think Ben masturbated when he got back to his hotel that night? Can you really be making out with smokin’ hot girls all night and then just fall asleep to an episode of The First 48? I don’t think so.

On Caila’s date, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube come to Ride Along (in theaters January 15^th!!) with them and Kevin Hart keeps talking to Ben while standing on very tall steps so we won’t notice that he is literally over a foot shorter than Ben.

They drive around and then get into a hot tub in a hot tub store.

On the final group date, the girls go to a “love science lab”. That shit better be completely made up because if it isn’t, everyone at that company should be arrested for fraud. Ben smells the girls for some kind of “test” and says Samantha’s scent is sour. YIKES with a capital Y. The only thing that would’ve been worse is if he’d said rotten tuna.

In a “temperature lab” (again not a real lab, there is no reason anyone needs to be wearing lab coats), Ben and Olivia get real close and she can’t understand why they don’t just bone right then and there. It’s starting to turn into some kind of strange Tron Porn.

Amanda tells Ben that she has kids, but that doesn’t stop Ben from giving the rose to Olivia because as Patti Stanger would say, the penis does the picking. Ain’t that always the way. Also Ben is wearing a sport jacket over a hoodie, which makes me tilt my head to the side like a dog listening to a very high pitched whistle.

Olivia is being cocky AS SHIT about the rose and is already calling herself Olivia Higgins and saying that the show can be over now. Ladies, we’ve got a new villain on our hands.

At the cocktail party Lace talks to Ben again and with every passing syllable is digging herself a deeper and deeper grave. My soulless ass is actually starting to feel bad for her because it’s like EEEEEEE stop talking!!

One of the twins says that this is “a lot more different” than she thought it would be, so my impression of her was pretty spot on. Meanwhile Ben is giving out trinkets like he’s pushing a goddamn cart. A photo, a blue ribbon, some barrettes for Amanda’s daughters.

Amanda cries at how sweet the gesture is but honestly, someone in a headset probably handed him those things and was like, “Here, go make barrettes for her kids” and he was like, “What’s a barrette, one of those training bras??” “No, that’s a BRAlette.”

LB leaves during the ceremony after getting a rose, which is fine because I have no idea who she is and the faster we can get to the total meltdowns of at least five to eight girls, the better. They’re starting to unravel already and Ben seems to be taking it well.

Next week we got some drama with Jubilee, but I would not fuck with her because she’s probably killed a man. Just saying.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Miss America 2016: “Should’ve Been Us”

September 14, 2015October 5, 20151 Comment

Look I wasn’t planning on watching this shit, but once my boyfriend fell asleep on the couch my eyes got dark and I rubbed my hands together and suddenly I was cackling, “Yes… SLEEP!!!” and nestling in for the ride of a lifetime.

As soon as these girls start filing out all I can think about is how amazing all of their arms are. I mean, Jesus. Someone’s been juice cleansing. These girls introduce themselves one by one and with names like Savannah Morgan Lane, they were born for this shit. I bet she was one of those pageant children with the VERY WHITE fake teeth.

They go through everybody but keep cutting back to Chris Harrison for 10 seconds at a time so you don’t sit there in complete shock by how many fucking states there are in this great nation. There are SO MANY STATES. It’s honestly incredible.

Now they all walk out together and it’s the Victoria’s Secret fashion show for basic bitches. Sorry ladies, that’s just how the low-carb cookie crumbles. Also everyone looks 30 to me.

Time to meet the judges. Country singer Bret Eldredge, the widow of Chris fucking Kyle, Winnie from Wonder Years, Mr. Wonderful, Amy Perdy, and Zendaya. Really? THESE are the random assortment of “celebrity” that decide the fate of these girls? They’ve worked their actual entire lives for this and you’re letting Chris Kyle’s WIFE decide?

But wait, there is another judge (say this in your Oprah voice): Vanessa WILLIAMS!! She immediately walks out and starts singing. I didn’t actually know about the 1984 Miss America scandal until this week and just always thought she was the first African-American Miss America, the end. Turns out some NSFW pics had leaked of someone licking her butthole and she had to give up her title. Juicy! (Literally? Bleh.)

So after her song this guy from the Miss America corporation comes out and APOLOGIZES TO HER but really I don’t think they need to apologize at all. Had she not gone on to be literally the only Miss America anybody knows, I think they would’ve been like Vanessa Williams who? Oh, the girl who had butthole licking pics? Yeah we stand by our decision.

Anyway they announce the top 15 and then immediately play Tori Kelly’s Should’ve Been Us as the losers walk off stage. I am now laughing out loud. We’re on to SWIMSUITS!! I almost wake my boyfriend up but then I’m like eh, better not.

Swimsuit is 10% of the final score, and they’re all in full coverage bottoms like it’s 1992. They’re also model-walking to the music and it looks like they’re trying to hold a piece of paper between their legs. The judges faces as they watch these hotties are PRICELESS:

We’re going next to evening wear, but not before checking out some classic spray tan armpits as the girl’s names are called. You may want to sleep with these women but my God make sure it isn’t in your bed or those sheets will be Cheeto-orange in no time.

They walk out in evening gowns and I’m going to be honest with you, they’re bad. But they aren’t judging the gowns, they’re judging their poise and grace. Miss South Carolina Daja Dial fucking nails it and has the best dress and the crowd goes wild.

TALENT TIME!! Yes. Yes. We start with some very “eh” talents. No getting around that. A dancer, a singer who is slightly flat the entire song. But THEN, THEN, this bitch comes out in Belle’s yellow gown and sits down at the piano and fucking slays it. And yes, they have someone in a ball gown, playing piano, while a blurb pops up about her wanting to be an organic chemistry professor. It is at this point that I realize none of these girls smoke weed, ever.

Another girl stands up there in scrubs and the second I hear the words “original monologue” I know we’re in trouble. She talks about a dude with Alzheimer’s, it’s sweet, but now I’m just getting mad. Um, I didn’t know your talent could be story telling? If I had, I would’ve started doing these things a LONG time ago so I could go on and on about the time I was playing with Barbies and my mom walked by and saw me throwing all of Ken’s shit out of the third story of my Barbie townhouse while I screamed, “Get the hell out, Ken!!” Now THAT, is what I call an original monologue.

Finally it’s QUESTION TIME, 20% of your score. All I’m thinking about is Miss Congeniality and the girl describing her perfect date as April 25th. “All you need is a light jacket!”

Someone says they want Ellen Degeneres on the ten dollar bill, which is a “cute” answer but she is god damn lucky because everyone else’s questions are really fucking intense. Planned Parenthood, Black Lives Matter, it’s all very TOPICAL.

Miss Georgia is asked about Tom Brady’s cheating scandal and ironically enough she, in my opinion, CHEATS while she answers. She goes, “I’m sorry I didn’t hear the question, can you repeat it?” Um, you didn’t hear the question? More like you want him to repeat it so you have double the amount of time to think about your answer. I’m sorry, I’m standing firm on this. As soon as you hear the word “deflategate” you know what the fucking question is.

Now I’m starting to think Brooke Burke should win this thing. Girl looks AMAZING and literally better than all of these other women.

Last year’s winner has to do one final walk before she gives up her crown and she looks pretty bummed about it. Once you’re no longer Miss America do you just sit in your house wearing your sash and eating popcorn? Who can answer this for me?

It’s crown time and there are FOUR runners up which seems a little absurd. But the winner is… MISS GEORGIA, BETTY CANTRELL! I can’t believe someone who was born IN THE NINETIES is named Betty, but okay.

Here is how this winning shiz goes down (pretend it’s a glorious flip book):

What a fun night! Also I just googled Betty and her actual name is Baciliky. Wrap your dome around that.

Check out more of my show recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “He’s the worst sorta guy.”

September 7, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

WELL. This season has had more twists and turns than Riddler’s Revenge! (It’s a roller coaster. I couldn’t think of anything better.)

Thank God Tanner’s here to recap us on all the Ashley I-Jared-Jaclyn drama as suspense thriller music plays in the background. They don’t have access to knives in paradise, right?

Ashley I. and Jared have their fantasy suite date and ABC is pretty ON THE NOSE about this virginity shit, as evident by the actual cherries they put in her champagne glass. All she wants is for “everything to be easy” which if we’re talking losing your v-card is a HILARIOUS thing to say. Girl, it’s not going to be.

Back in paradise they’re having a mimosa party (aka what I call Saturdays spent alone in my apartment), and Jorge the Bartender tells Juelia that Mikey is a “man of his word.” Cute, Jorge. Real cute.

It turns out Mikey only wants to be friends with Juelia, so she decides to leave and promptly RUNS around the whole beach shouting goodbye as if her flight is already boarding. The girls are sad because Juelia came here to “find a father for her child.” I’m no Fulbright Scholar, but I’m pretty sure Bachelor in Paradise is not the best place to find a dad for your kid. As usual, I am right.

Jaclyn’s ass gets blurred for basically the whole day, even while she says that Dan has a TINY PERSONALITY. HA! Tiny is a word no man wants to ever be described as, under any circumstances. She thinks that Justin is the “hot ticket in town” and I want to ask her if she has time traveled from some far away land where people say phrases like “hot ticket in town.”

Cassandra arrives and Tiny Personality Dan is butt hurt about how many dates Justin is getting. I bet Justin has a big, thick personality. Jaclyn is salty as shit when Justin revokes his acceptance of her date card and instead wants to go on a date with Cassandra. Really he just wants to get a better look at her boobies.

Now Nick wants Jaclyn’s date card so he can ask Samantha on a date. Except he once conned her out of $250,000 on Bachelor Pad?? I do NOT understand why Jaclyn gives him the date because had that been me I would have laughed VERY HARD in his face and told him to go fuck himself.

Justin and Cassandra fall in love immediately on their date, which is not what happens on Nick and Samantha’s date. But first let’s remember that all the girls hate Samantha and that even though she’s “stunning,” her personality is “terrible.” Get your shit together, ladies. She’s hot and everybody wants her. The end.

Back from their fantasy suite, Ashley I. had an amazing time watching Jared sleep and is now in love with him. Jump cut to Jared saying he’s going to break up with her again and doesn’t think she’s going to take it well. NO, Ashley I?? She’s going to take it SO WELL.

He dumps her while she’s wearing an I’M A KIM tank top which I know is a reference to the Kardashians but I wish she was saying she is part of the Kim family from Gilmore Girls and her mom runs an antique shop. Anyway Jared leaves.

Okay so back to this awkward ass date with Nick and Samantha. They have literally only walked thirty feet on their date and he’s already like, “This is the best date I’ve ever been on” to which she replies, “I’m glad you feel that way already.” ALREADY. Because in her head she’s going um, dude, chill the fuck out.

Chef Josephina flew ALL THE WAY from Mexico City for their date. That’s like me saying I flew ALL THE WAY to Vegas from LA. It’s like, an hour flight. Also Nick thinks that time with Samantha is worth $250,000 and it’s at this point I realize none of these people have jobs and therefore have no idea what money is.

Their conversation is going incredibly well (sense my sarcasm) as Samantha talks about how she doesn’t know who will get roses. She is obviously bored to fucking death and literally WINCES when he kisses her. Television gold.

There will be no cocktail party tonight, and I know Chris Harrison just LOVES dropping those Bachelor bombs. Ashley I. talks about something called a whimsical attachment and now all I’m thinking about is how much I would crush the hell out of some cotton candy right now.

Ashley I. leaves, but not after saying that she “grew up here.” I can’t tell if she’s joking or not, but she immediately sobs her eyes out and calls her sister. Her sister asks if she was in love with Jared and she goes, “No but like, close enough” which is all the proof I need that she has not, in fact, grown up here.

Tiny Personality Dan gives every girl he’s ever talked to some sort of closure speech before leaving without giving out his rose. So now it’s down to Mikey!! Who would have thought. He gives it to Mackenzie, she says no, so now this episode has turned into the Red Wedding in Game of Thrones, because almost everybody is donzo.

Now it’s only couples in paradise, SERIOUS COUPLES, and Chris Harrison tells everybody to meet him in the palapa?? What the fuck is that. Well, let me tell you what it is because I happen to have an AMAZING INTERNET CONNECTION and turns out those little beach huts in the Corona commercials are called palapas. The next time you’re killing it on Jeopardy be sure to write me a thank you note.

Chris explains that they each get a fantasy suite date, and there is no way in hell Sam is stoked on this. With Nick? Ugh. But suddenly we cut to a confessional of Kirk saying he’s been really in his head lately and we all know that means he’s done, he’s out, and this is going to be bad news bears for cruise ship singer Carly.

He asks to talk to Carly and Tenley gets nervous. Tenley, you’ve got good instincts, I’ll give you that. On the way to their talk Carly goes, “Are you breaking up with me?” and he shushes her and she laughs. Because SHE IS JOKING and doesn’t see this coming. Here is her face as she starts to put it together:

And now, I will give Carly the same props I have given many a time to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. As soon as he starts breaking up with her she just goes, “Okay.” Yes, girl, werk. Fucking shut him down. Kirk keeps saying dumb ass shit (“Like I, like I respect you” -one of the gems)

He is now confused as SHIT that she won’t talk to him and just wants to GTFO of paradise. He keeps asking what happened and it’s like you broke up with her, remember? It JUST happened, you couldn’t have forgotten already.

Jade is sobbing, which now makes me wonder if I’m not a good enough friend to my girlfriends. Am I supposed to cry when they get dumped? I usually just start pourin’ the drank.

Carly continues to fucking dominate this breakup by not letting him talk to her, telling him not to touch her, and saying that she doesn’t even know his face anymore. He is like STILL CONFUSED about what’s happening and it’s like bro, not all females beg and plead to get back with dudes. Some of us are just like wow, I gotta go, I have a plane to catch.

Tonight is the SEASON FINALE and I don’t know what’s going to happen but I’m putting money on Tanner proposing to Jade. He knows a good thing when he sees it.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

who is sam jarvis

I don't know, do you?! I'm scared.

Tag: chris harrison

Men Tell All Recap: “Sometimes You Choose Apples When You Should’ve Choosed Pickles”

The Bachelorette Recap: “Country Clubs and Coloring Books”

The Bachelorette Recap: “Do You Want Ice Cream Or Do You Want Steak?”

The Bachelor Finale Recap: “I’m A Lost Man Right Now.”

The Bachelor Women Tell All Recap: “It’s Hard To Watch It Back.”

The Bachelor Recap: “There’s Our Boyfriend.”

The Bachelor Recap: “It’s Either Good News, Or Bad News.”

The Bachelor Recap: “I’ve Never Been This Turned On In A High School Before”

Miss America 2016: “Should’ve Been Us”

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “He’s the worst sorta guy.”