The Bachelor Premiere: “I’m Really Nervous To Date 25 People”

January 11, 2016January 12, 2016Leave a comment

Well, well, well, ol’ Ben Higgins is up to bat, attempting to convince me that a 26-year-old man could possibly be ready for marriage. Good luck, brosef.

Ben is the type of guy who stops in to his elementary school to say hi to his old teachers, which to me is an immediate deal breaker, but he’s 6’5’’ so I guess I’ll stick with him for a bit longer. And if you’re wondering why that sexy puppy hasn’t found a forever home yet, it’s because you can’t nab a wife in the middle of a god damn field.

He talks to his parents about love and shit and it’s all very SURFACE LEVEL. But his parents have a pontoon boat parked in the back of their house so they are obviously very, very good people. I like a good pontoon boat. Everybody knows that about me.

The Pussy Posse (™ Leo DiCaprio) of Bachelor Nation give Ben advice and they basically just talk about kissing. They should host The View.

We finally meet some betches and immediately learn that Caila broke up with her boyfriend after feeling butterflies when she first saw Ben on Kaitlyn’s season. Yes, you read that right. She broke up with her boyfriend because she saw a hot person on TV.

Jubilee is a war veteran who makes jokes about the casualties of love. See what she did there? She made light of the deaths of her comrades. Real zinger. There is also a dentist that comes out in a humongous rose hat. Let me tell you something. The last thing IN THE WORLD I want my dentist to be is weird. I like my dentists to be straight shooters. Glasses, a rock collection. You get it.

There are also 22-year-old twins from Vegas, and I’m not talking about a middle age stripper’s boob job. We also meet a chicken enthusiast who clearly has some tough decisions ahead of her.

Time for the limos!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes. Ben is looking foyne and the girls are fucking pumped about it.

There are several cringe-y introductions in a row, including a girl who wants to hike a football to him but it’s like babe, this is not a Charmin commercial. Not a great look.

Lauren is a cute red head, but she immediately crushes her chances by saying, “I’m Lauren, but my friends call me Red Velvet.” Umm, that is a fucking lie. I think you mean you TRIED TO get your friends to call you Red Velvet. That is like me saying, “I’m Sam, but my friends call me Vanilla Dream,” Like, no they don’t.

Now there’s a chick with a mini horse, a girl who bashes PERFECTLY GOOD baguettes into the ground (wow, rude), a girl in a onesie, and an unemployed hover board rider. I don’t know what amazing drugs the peeps over at ABC are getting but this shit is going off the rails.

Also the twins walk into the house and here is how thrilled everyone is to see them:

Now Lace (who forced him to give her the first kiss and for some reason does NOT have a Y on the end of her name) is officially becoming the house bitch. It is very clear from her drunk eyes that this is partially her personality, and partially the nine glasses of wine a producer (played by Shiri Appleby- shout out to UNreal!!) has fed her.

Ben is about to give a toast to all the women but the weird dentist interrupts him to give him a teeth cleaning. This is NOT. MY. SCENE. Going to the dentist is my least favorite part of every six months. I do not want it happening in the middle of dates.

Now the smokin’ hot news anchor Olivia is telling him she left an amazing job to be with him. Gurl, no. I get it, you’re the hottest bitch here so everything you say is going to sound like sweet, sweet nectar but it is 20-motha-fuckin-16, okay? Let’s not go around telling men that we are super pleased to leave our badass careers to go on dates with them. Jennifer Lawrence is shaking her head somewhere at the thought.

TWIST!! Becca and Amber are BACK!! Chris Soules’ leftovers walk into the house and everyone completely loses their chill. Every girl in that room is like, “Becca and Amber! Becca and Amber!” It is hashtag Becca and Amber up in this bitch.

Lace asks Ben for ANOTHER kiss and it’s like damn, Lace! Go on with your greedy ass. Except don’t go on, because Ben doesn’t want to kiss her again.

Olivia gets the first impression rose, which surprises no one because she looks like fucking Heidi Klum. Just look at these two people. This could be an Us Weekly cover of them walking out of Mastros (on a double date with Jen and Justin, obvi).

He hands out the rest of the roses and we say goodbye to some girls who got very little airtime, and also to Red Velvet. Told ya you blew it. Lace gets the final rose and is freaking the fuck out about how Ben didn’t look at her while he was addressing 30 girls? It’s confusing, she is I’m sure blackout at this point. Ben is basically like ehh this girl sucks but of course he can’t get rid of her because she is the shining beacon of hope for a villain and those suits up in Hollywood just won’t let him kick her off yet.

Season’s lookin real good, guys. Keep a good rosé in the fridge at all times.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Finale Recap: “I love you too, Tanner.”

September 8, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

Those Bachelor producers should take a second job in gift wrapping, because boy can they tie shit up in a bow.

We are reminded of Carly’s heartbreak (via sad vignette), and Jade is still very upset about it. Like, she’s still crying. That’s how still upset she is. Meanwhile Nick is obsessed with Sam and every time he thinks about how hot she is he makes this face:

As we’re winding down to the final rose ceremony, Tenley needs to make some decisions. But not before consulting her journal. Oh, you thought her journal would have full sentences in it? Nope. Wrong. This journal is just floating WORDS and PHRASES. I’m going to be honest with you if I had a journal like that I’m pretty sure it would say, “Hungry” and “Email landlord about squeaky faucet.”

So they all start their final dates, and Nick is laying it on thick as molasses. This is his dream come true and he thinks that “all the men watching at home are jealous.” Maybe so, but they could never admit it because their girlfriends are sitting less than one foot away from them getting a shoulder massage.

These dates are boring as hell. That’s just how it is. Cassandra doesn’t want to do the fantasy suite because she’s a mom, Tenley is worried about the “lifestyle differences” between she and Joshua and how she only has ONE FREE WEEKEND the entire summer. Jesus Christ, Tenley. Manage your schedule.

Jade is shaken up by the Carly thing (IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY) so we think oh fuck, is something bad going to happen with her and Tanner? But Tanner tells her he loves her and it’s ADORABLE and she of course says it back. Awh shit, they gonna bone good tonight in that fantasy suite.

At the start of the rose ceremony Chris Harrison explains that “giving a rose today means you’re committed to each other outside of paradise.” Except is that true? Can’t you just accept it and then later be like eh, this isn’t working out? Apparently I’m wrong and this rose ceremony is CONTRACTUALLY BINDING.

Cassandra gets Justin’s rose, and then Nick goes to give Samantha his rose and says the MOST cringe worthy thing I’ve heard on the show (tough to do, Nick) which is, “I’m going to die of suffocation ‘cause you literally take my breath away.” UM, BARF. I’m sorry but if a guy ever said that to me I’d be like yeahhhhh I gotta go. I have a denti… matologist appointment. Yeahhhh.

But I guess joke’s on me because she accepts his rose and seems to be happy and I’m just really confused because I have not seen one ounce of spark between these two literally ever. He got her in the end though! Fuck you, Joe!!

Tenley declines Joshua’s rose because he lives in a town with one stoplight and she loves the vibrancy of a city. It’s actually a nice speech but all I can think about is how Tenley and Joshua have the exact same hair color. (Do I need an Adderall prescription? Another thing to write in my phrase journal.)

So then they say bye and get immediately into two different vans, and here is where I will pull back the curtain for you guys. There is a 100% chance they will see each other at the airport. How big do you think the Puerto Vallarta airport is? They’ll say goodbye, drive off in separate cars that are literally caravanning to the same terminal, and make small talk while waiting for their Carls Jr. combos (that airport doesn’t have a lot of good food options.)

Back in paradise it’s Jade and Tanner Time (what they should title their spinoff) and let’s all remember that I fucking CALLED IT on this proposal. Have you given me credit? GIVE IT TO ME. Okay so they’re standing there and it’s like hey Tanner, is that a ring box in your pocket or are you just happy to see her?

It’s of course a ring and she says yes and it is so fucking cute I want to kill myself. Cassandra, Justin, Sam and Nick are upstairs watching and Cassandra goes, “I’m so happy for them” and Sam goes, “Me too” and we all know they’re both like fuck this bitch right here.

In the end they show an absolutely perfect montage of Ashley I. crying followed by an absolutely perfect montage of Jade and Tanner falling in love. They also mention that the two of them will be getting married next year… in Mexico. Basically they will have a fake wedding on the following season of Bachelor in Paradise. Cute? Sad? All of the above.

Bonus recap: I never watch After Paradise because there are like twelve blond girls that keep trying to say witty shit to Chris Harrison and it’s annoying to me. But of course I watched this one (until I fell asleep) and learned that CASSANDRA is now dating JONATHAN, which is so Twilight Zone I can’t even.

Also Carly talks to Kirk and totally unravels any sympathy the world had for her. She is such an angry bitch about it and is trying to make some sort of feminist point while Kirk is just being genuine and apologetic. All I know is #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. would’ve calmly told him that he wasn’t a real man and it would have been PERFECT.

Thanks for reading these recaps, they’ve been a real treat to write. I’ll leave you with this nugget of joy: Ashley S. is happy and in love. We can all sleep well tonight.

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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “He’s the worst sorta guy.”

September 7, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

WELL. This season has had more twists and turns than Riddler’s Revenge! (It’s a roller coaster. I couldn’t think of anything better.)

Thank God Tanner’s here to recap us on all the Ashley I-Jared-Jaclyn drama as suspense thriller music plays in the background. They don’t have access to knives in paradise, right?

Ashley I. and Jared have their fantasy suite date and ABC is pretty ON THE NOSE about this virginity shit, as evident by the actual cherries they put in her champagne glass. All she wants is for “everything to be easy” which if we’re talking losing your v-card is a HILARIOUS thing to say. Girl, it’s not going to be.

Back in paradise they’re having a mimosa party (aka what I call Saturdays spent alone in my apartment), and Jorge the Bartender tells Juelia that Mikey is a “man of his word.” Cute, Jorge. Real cute.

It turns out Mikey only wants to be friends with Juelia, so she decides to leave and promptly RUNS around the whole beach shouting goodbye as if her flight is already boarding. The girls are sad because Juelia came here to “find a father for her child.” I’m no Fulbright Scholar, but I’m pretty sure Bachelor in Paradise is not the best place to find a dad for your kid. As usual, I am right.

Jaclyn’s ass gets blurred for basically the whole day, even while she says that Dan has a TINY PERSONALITY. HA! Tiny is a word no man wants to ever be described as, under any circumstances. She thinks that Justin is the “hot ticket in town” and I want to ask her if she has time traveled from some far away land where people say phrases like “hot ticket in town.”

Cassandra arrives and Tiny Personality Dan is butt hurt about how many dates Justin is getting. I bet Justin has a big, thick personality. Jaclyn is salty as shit when Justin revokes his acceptance of her date card and instead wants to go on a date with Cassandra. Really he just wants to get a better look at her boobies.

Now Nick wants Jaclyn’s date card so he can ask Samantha on a date. Except he once conned her out of $250,000 on Bachelor Pad?? I do NOT understand why Jaclyn gives him the date because had that been me I would have laughed VERY HARD in his face and told him to go fuck himself.

Justin and Cassandra fall in love immediately on their date, which is not what happens on Nick and Samantha’s date. But first let’s remember that all the girls hate Samantha and that even though she’s “stunning,” her personality is “terrible.” Get your shit together, ladies. She’s hot and everybody wants her. The end.

Back from their fantasy suite, Ashley I. had an amazing time watching Jared sleep and is now in love with him. Jump cut to Jared saying he’s going to break up with her again and doesn’t think she’s going to take it well. NO, Ashley I?? She’s going to take it SO WELL.

He dumps her while she’s wearing an I’M A KIM tank top which I know is a reference to the Kardashians but I wish she was saying she is part of the Kim family from Gilmore Girls and her mom runs an antique shop. Anyway Jared leaves.

Okay so back to this awkward ass date with Nick and Samantha. They have literally only walked thirty feet on their date and he’s already like, “This is the best date I’ve ever been on” to which she replies, “I’m glad you feel that way already.” ALREADY. Because in her head she’s going um, dude, chill the fuck out.

Chef Josephina flew ALL THE WAY from Mexico City for their date. That’s like me saying I flew ALL THE WAY to Vegas from LA. It’s like, an hour flight. Also Nick thinks that time with Samantha is worth $250,000 and it’s at this point I realize none of these people have jobs and therefore have no idea what money is.

Their conversation is going incredibly well (sense my sarcasm) as Samantha talks about how she doesn’t know who will get roses. She is obviously bored to fucking death and literally WINCES when he kisses her. Television gold.

There will be no cocktail party tonight, and I know Chris Harrison just LOVES dropping those Bachelor bombs. Ashley I. talks about something called a whimsical attachment and now all I’m thinking about is how much I would crush the hell out of some cotton candy right now.

Ashley I. leaves, but not after saying that she “grew up here.” I can’t tell if she’s joking or not, but she immediately sobs her eyes out and calls her sister. Her sister asks if she was in love with Jared and she goes, “No but like, close enough” which is all the proof I need that she has not, in fact, grown up here.

Tiny Personality Dan gives every girl he’s ever talked to some sort of closure speech before leaving without giving out his rose. So now it’s down to Mikey!! Who would have thought. He gives it to Mackenzie, she says no, so now this episode has turned into the Red Wedding in Game of Thrones, because almost everybody is donzo.

Now it’s only couples in paradise, SERIOUS COUPLES, and Chris Harrison tells everybody to meet him in the palapa?? What the fuck is that. Well, let me tell you what it is because I happen to have an AMAZING INTERNET CONNECTION and turns out those little beach huts in the Corona commercials are called palapas. The next time you’re killing it on Jeopardy be sure to write me a thank you note.

Chris explains that they each get a fantasy suite date, and there is no way in hell Sam is stoked on this. With Nick? Ugh. But suddenly we cut to a confessional of Kirk saying he’s been really in his head lately and we all know that means he’s done, he’s out, and this is going to be bad news bears for cruise ship singer Carly.

He asks to talk to Carly and Tenley gets nervous. Tenley, you’ve got good instincts, I’ll give you that. On the way to their talk Carly goes, “Are you breaking up with me?” and he shushes her and she laughs. Because SHE IS JOKING and doesn’t see this coming. Here is her face as she starts to put it together:

And now, I will give Carly the same props I have given many a time to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. As soon as he starts breaking up with her she just goes, “Okay.” Yes, girl, werk. Fucking shut him down. Kirk keeps saying dumb ass shit (“Like I, like I respect you” -one of the gems)

He is now confused as SHIT that she won’t talk to him and just wants to GTFO of paradise. He keeps asking what happened and it’s like you broke up with her, remember? It JUST happened, you couldn’t have forgotten already.

Jade is sobbing, which now makes me wonder if I’m not a good enough friend to my girlfriends. Am I supposed to cry when they get dumped? I usually just start pourin’ the drank.

Carly continues to fucking dominate this breakup by not letting him talk to her, telling him not to touch her, and saying that she doesn’t even know his face anymore. He is like STILL CONFUSED about what’s happening and it’s like bro, not all females beg and plead to get back with dudes. Some of us are just like wow, I gotta go, I have a plane to catch.

Tonight is the SEASON FINALE and I don’t know what’s going to happen but I’m putting money on Tanner proposing to Jade. He knows a good thing when he sees it.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Patience Is A Virtue

September 1, 2015Leave a comment

All of the sads.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Villains Gonna Vill”

August 18, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

This shit is getting more complicated than my beauty regimen, which let me tell you has SEVERAL moving parts.

Four seconds in, Juelia tells Sam about Joe’s sneaky ass behavior. Except she says that Joe asked her on a date “right away.” Love ya girl, but no. Not how that shit went down. Remember when he was like, “I don’t give a shit who wants to go on this date with me, I’ll take anyone, who wants to ride horses?” And you were like, “I like to ride horses, Joe.” Sorry boo, but my memory is crystal fucking clear on this.

Anyway Sam thinks this is a “little too much drama” even though she’s the one who’s been plotting with Joe since the dawn of time. (Tanner has SEEN THE SCREEN GRABS.)

So Joe and Sam have this super, top secret conversation where they completely forget they have their fucking mic packs on. Sam sees a cameraman and keeps whispering and I’m going, “BITCH YOUR MICROPHONE IS ON.” They intercut this heavily-subtitled conversation with Sam’s most recent interview, which they play in a dark vignette as visual proof that she is a goddamn liar.

We switch gears as Amber shows up to the house, super excited to date Dan and hang out with her BFF Ashley S. (Cue a producer rubbing their hands together, eyes turning black.) Amber asks Dan on a date and he says yes but needs to talk to Ashley S. about it.

Except that when you talk to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S, she takes no prisoners. She looks straight at him and says, “You’re such a man, but you couldn’t be a man to me.” Bye Dan, your balls just got chopped off and she’s about to throw them into the fucking sand. Also she can tell that one of the birds is blind so she is obviously a sorcerer.

Meanwhile JJ and Megan go on their date and it’s boring and they’re on a boat. Megan says some cheesy ass line about how this is the quickest she’s gotten wet on a date and it’s like HA GOOD ONE.

On Amber and Dan’s date, the townspeople of Puerto Vallarta demand they kiss and I start to panic about the mob mentality of the world. Amber has to walk no fewer than four miles in wedges until they’re finally at some tiny dinner table that I’m pretty sure they could have put a little closer to where they were earlier.

Amber admits that when she’s home watching hot pieces get out of The Bachelorette limos (noshing on some kind of delicious snack, I hope), she marks down the ones she wants to bone by putting a star next to their name. That’s like me telling you guys that while I sit in traffic I talk to myself and pretend I’m being interviewed on the radio. I would never tell you that, it is embarrassing and between me and God. Apparently Dan is a DOUBLE STAR, which is like me telling you I also pretend I’m being interviewed while I put on my makeup. It’s like, not helping.

It’s time for the big bro-down (showdown of bros), where Joe is finna get his ass handed to him. The guys confront him and Joe keeps talking about digging up dead bodies. Somewhere in his pathetic attempt at explaining himself we learn that before everyone goes on the show they submit a list of people they’d like to see in paradise to the producers. Innnnnteresting.

Joe’s list was SAM, SAMANTHA, SAMANTHA FROM CHRIS’ SEASON, SAM. JJ’s had 8 people. I would like to be a fly on the wall in the meeting where someone at ABC takes their headshots and slides them around trying to decide who’s arriving next to BREAK THE HEARTS of the people already there. “Yes! She’ll be basically suicidal at that point. Should we take a coffee break?”

Now Joe and JJ talk with their faces very close to each other. Joe is still a fucking pussy so they don’t fight.

What does happen is JJ says that Joe is a circular reference, which is some complex shit for a hockey player. Jared (been missin’ you, buddy!) caps us off with, “Joe Bailey, from America’s Sweetheart to America’s Most Wanted. One week flat.” You been writing taglines on the side, bro? That shit was fire.

Next week promises more fun in the sun, and by fun I mean tears. What an incredible journey so far!!

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “This isn’t church camp.”

August 17, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

I’ve always said that Bachelor in Paradise contestants are like good martinis: (emotionally) shaken, not stirred. And extra dirty.

We start by “introducing… Jorge the bartender!” Yes, the ringleader of their drunken all-inclusive sex fest is officially part of the opening credits. Good for him! It’s not like any of these stingy broads are throwing singles in the tip jar so I’m glad he’s getting some air time. (I assume he’s repped by CAA.)

Because last week was TO BE CONTINUED… lets CONTINUE. Clare wants to leave but doesn’t want to “walk away,” which is weird because any time I’ve ever left anywhere it was by walking away. (Except one time when I was on a scooter and it was fucking awesome.)

Joe gets Juelia’s rose and we say goodbye to Mikey (RIP top ponytail), Jonathan (RIP yellow sunglasses), and Michael (RIP who gives a shit). Although I recognize that Joe is an asshole, Juelia needs to put these pieces together a little fucking faster. She’s all, “he can’t wait to spend more time with me” and I’m all, “I never want you on my detective team.” (Currently taking applications via Twitter.)

Also Joe says “rose before bros” so I don’t know why Juelia is still sad. She should be mortified she kissed someone who would say that.

What’s awesome is that SAM IS HERE. And Chris Harrison acknowledges that she spoke zero words on Chris’ season and I love him for that. Thank you for keeping it 100, Chris!

Joe and Samantha hold hands immediately, so now everyone is confused and thinks that maybe they’ve talked before and were expecting to see each other here. Oh really, dumb fucks? You thought Joe was just randomly saying “I CAN’T WAIT FOR SAMANTHA TO GET HERE” when he didn’t know she was coming? He knew, guys. He knew.

They’re so hot and heavy that Sam is basically already pregnant with a baby who has long acrylic nails and a thick ass Southern accent. Their date is a photo shoot and Joe’s proud of his dad body even though he definitely shouldn’t be. If I have to sweat my ass off at pilates then guess what? I’m not into your dad bod. The day you stop judging me for ordering gnocchi is the day you can embrace your soft, stupid stomach.

Joe doesn’t really get that the dudes in the house are mad at him so he offers Jared a shrimp quesadilla. Don’t know why I’m including that here, but it feels important.
Also during the course of Joe vs Bros things like, “You’re not villing” are said, which I think is a reference to the word villain and if so I hope you all die in a fire.

Clare makes another appearance when she has a phone conversation with a raccoon. The editors need to chill out with this shit because I bet at least 50% of the (dope-ass) hoes watching this show legit think she is on the phone with a raccoon. It’s editing, guys. She’s talking to her mom.

Also Carly is HORNY. Like, gross horny. They try to make this an interesting storyline where Kirk might dump her but then doesn’t. It is not interesting and they remain the ultimate snoozeville couple. Also he calls her a “pinball machine” and I don’t know what that means.

Jorge the Bartender and Ashley S. talk about Dan and it is perfection. Sadly Dan sees some “red flags” in Ashley but never actually says what the red flags are so I can only assume it’s that she squeezes the toothpaste tube instead of neatly rolling it up.

He talks to her about it and while her glasses make her look like a sexy librarian, it turns out she is actually a BAD BITCH, y’all. Girl takes ZERO bullshit and is like, “Hey man if you’re out, I’m out.” Which is the #1 bad bitch move of the century. No drama, no crying, just bye, I’ve got shit to do.

Megan shows up in Paradise and I almost forgot how dumb she is. Don’t worry, she reminds us with a big, “ALOHA, MEXICO!!” She also calls a sombrero a so-brero and it makes me sad.

Joe finally admits that before going on the show he talked to Sam on social media, texts, phone calls, telegrams, webcams, snail mail, and walkie-talkie. Plus they passed notes in class. People are still like what?!?! Even though it’s the simplest thing in the world and I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

Juelia threatens the shit out of Joe and says she’s going to tell Sam about what Joe did to her. This won’t make a difference in Joe and Sam’s relationship because anyone who’s ever dated a man knows the first thing Joe will say is, “It was all for you” and Sam’ll be like OKAY! And it will be totally fine.

Also the second Juelia says she’s going to tell Sam, Joe starts apologizing like a fucking pussy. Quietly backing out of that shit like he just walked in on his parents having sex and they haven’t noticed him yet.

It took Ashley I. five episodes not to sob like a motherfucker and I have to say I really, really missed it. Can we get back to that? That was fun.

Already mentally ordering Indian food and pouring rosé for tonight’s fiesta…

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Huh?”

August 11, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

Bachelor in Paradise? More like Bachelor in Dramaville, amiright?! Sorry. That was bad. I’ll go sit in the corner.

We start off with Mikey saying that Clare is his beard. I’m going to go out on a limb here: based on Mikey’s general comprehension skills, he has no fucking clue what a beard is. Pret-ty sure he didn’t mean to tell millions of people that he was hanging with Clare to cover up the fact that he’s gay.

Clare finally goes on her date with Jared and I am super stoked about it, mostly because I know it will make Ashley I. cry as she repeats over and over, “It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. You’re Jasmine.”

They’re supposed to bungee jump but Clare is scared and crying (Scared and Crying would be a PHENOMENAL spinoff of Naked and Afraid). But then Jared kisses her and they jump and it’s cute as shit. What isn’t so cute is when they have to paint in her purple bikini bottoms because her actual bikini bottoms are nowhere to be found. Movie magic at its finest. Someone went to film school for this.

Clare gets home and describes their date in VERY LOUD DETAIL so Ashley I. can hear and as predicted, she sobs in her room.

Some guy named Michael arrives and I’m going to be honest with you I have no idea who he is. But he can’t wait to meet Tenley because to him she is an Elevenly. I immediately hate him.

Before Michael goes on his date with Tenley, Joshua wishes diarrhea on him. This is an excellent use of a wish, and I personally wish diarrhea on anyone who’s ever broken Britney Spears’ heart. (That statement is ON the record.)

Meanwhile Jared is royally fucking up with Clare. And by royally fucking up I mean he’s pacing around the sand saying things like, “You’re 8 years older than me… but you look great.” Guess who’s having none of that? Clare Motherfucking Crawley. She is outta that sitch faster than Kim Richards with a cart full of Target toys.

So Tenley and Michael (no diarrhea yet) go on a date, where 10,000 mariachi musicians circle around them like iRobots and I immediately think, “TENLEY THEY’RE GOING TO KILL YOU.” They don’t, so she is still alive. Also: did Michael tip every single one of them? (I assume they stood around staring at him until he let out a big SIGH and reached into his pocket.)

All right fine, let’s get into this Joe shit. Joe is a SNAKE, as evident by the fact that literally every single time they show Joe talking they immediately cut to an actual snake.

Anyway Joe hates Juelia, Mikey and Jonathan hate Joe for using Juelia, and Joe hates Mikey and Jonathan for telling Juelia that Joe is using Juelia. Fun! Here is the point where Joe (drunk as shit on Jack and Cokes) threatens to beat the guys “to a pulp” with “brass knuckles” which is first of all an insane thing to say and also definitely not true. For as dumb as Mikey is, he would beat the absolute fuck out of scrawny ol’ Joe.

It should be noted that at some point during all of this turmoil Ashley S. goes, “Huh?” and it is perfect and she is perfect and I love her.

So now Jonathan is crying. Like, HARD. He can’t keep it together and it is the most awkward moment of my entire life. Please stop crying, Jonathan. Please. The hairs are sticking up on my arms. That is how uncomfortable I am.

Meanwhile Clare is bitter as hell that she will never find love and it’s like girl, calm down. You’re going to be on nine more seasons of this shit so eventually you will get someone to like you. Probably.

Right before the rose ceremony she gives a super weird impromptu speech and everyone is kind of like, “thefuck?” And then we hear the first words out of Jade’s mouth in like three episodes and she lays it the fuck down. She takes offense to that, Clare! She takes. Offense.

We get started on the roses and I am PUMPED ABOUT IT. And then basically the worst thing imaginable happens, which is that they put a big “To be continued…” on the screen before we get to any of the good roses. (Nobody cares that Carly gave her rose to Kirk!!) As soon as the words pop up on the screen I shout, “OH MY GOD.”

I guess the execs at ABC finally took that seminar on cliff-hangers and how they work like a god damn charm, because ever since Kaitlyn’s season these rose ceremonies are taking place at weird points in the episodes. You got me, shitheads! Waiting patiently and sticking my Joe voodoo doll with needles until Sunday…

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Bachelor In Paradise Recap: “Joe is a funny, cool, awesome guy.”

August 10, 2015October 5, 20151 Comment

I spent the last six days sitting on my couch (TV off, hands in my lap) waiting for the next episode of Bachelor in Paradise. It turned out to be a GREAT decision, except that I got fired from my job and everything in my fridge went bad.

The first order of business besides wondering if crabs fly (they don’t) and staring incessantly at Mikey’s top ponytail (???), is that Lauren I. is a mistress. I’m not emotionally invested in Lauren I., and apparently Juelia isn’t either because as soon as people start talking about it she goes, “Who’s Lauren?” which is completely fucking priceless.

So now Joshua shows up. Correction: Joshua’s hula girl tattoo shows up. This is Lauren’s last chance at finding love (with someone who doesn’t already have a girlfriend), so naturally she talks about the STD testing they had to do before going on the show. I’m surprised Neil Lane didn’t show up right then and there so Joshua could pick a ring.

Lauren goes home by dragging her suitcase through wet sand which makes no sense at all and wouldn’t even work if she had one of those dope-ass rolling bags with the four wheels. Anyway she’s gone and her sister Ashley WON’T BE FINE. She knows it, we know it, Clare knows it. (Clare’s eyes go dark.)

Joe is here, and everybody thinks he is going to be absolutely hilarious. Turns out he’s about as funny as the murder of Cecil the lion. He upsets Clare, but she doesn’t want any drama so she goes off and cries by herself and then befriends an alcoholic raccoon.

Jonathan (in VERY BRIGHT SUNGLASSES) is pissed that Joe and Juelia are going on a date. He spends the rest of the episode hoping Joe falls off a horse and breaks his leg. I’m not kidding, it’s literally all he talks about for the rest of the show.

Tenley likes Joshua, and also BEARS and BEAR HANDS. Hopefully the next person that comes to paradise is Mark Wahlberg’s lightning-buddy Ted, because it seems like that would be a great match.

Joshua may like Tenley but he also likes Molly, which is not a girl on the show and is instead a super fun drug. All of the saints and angels in the house freak the fuck out and are basically all narcs. They tell Tenley and she is an emotional wreck. At this point I’m not really following because none of this is a big deal to me and I can’t figure out why everybody is crying about the fact that he’s done drugs in Vegas.

Meanwhile Mikey is trying to understand that Clare doesn’t like him. By trying I mean he honestly cannot understand it. Dan’s like, “Clare told the girls that she doesn’t like you” and Mikey’s like, “But how do the girls know?” and Dan’s like, “She told them. I just said that.”

By now we learn that farting Joe is not a “funny, cool, awesome guy” and is using Juelia for a rose, while Juelia is using the show to promote headbands. I’m not 100% sure about that last part, but it’s just a hunch I have. Joe actually wanted Sam to be here, which left everyone at home wondering, “Who the hell is Sam?” (Worth noting that frantic Googling led a shit ton of you to my site.)

In the final moments, Jared asks Clare on a date. Yes. We are finally GETTING INTO IT. Ashley is in extreme emotional turmoil about it while Mikey is still going, “But Clare likes me…” (Dan is rolling his eyes at how god damn stupid Mikey is.)

Ashley simply cannot FATHOM how someone who is 26 could date someone who is 34, even though listening to Ashley sob her eyes out for five seconds is all the proof I’d need that I should be dating someone older. Clare could be 102 and would still be the better option.

Roses will be handed out on tonight’s episode, but I’m going to take a leap of faith and say bye, Jonathan. Bye, Mikey. Nice knowin’ yas.

Check out more Bachelor recaps here.

Recap: Bachelor In Paradise Premiere, Night 2

August 4, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

“There’s no roses left for Tenley.”

Like leftover Chinese food, Bachelor in Paradise is even better the second night. One minute in and I already had my head cocked to the side like a dog listening to someone blow on a weenie whistle. The opening credits were an 80s-themed montage of confusion that I at first loved until I realized that made me a basic bitch and I was like SHIT, stop, resist the urge to smile. Rihanna (my spirit animal) would never approve.

Look I’m not going to sugar coat it, the next thing that happens is Clare talks to a crab. She’s got a date card, but doesn’t know whom to choose. She does a pretty good job of pretending she won’t go after anyone’s man, but you can see the crazy in that girl’s eyes from 100 conch shells away so we know she is just plotting, plotting (insert wicked witch cackle).

So here she is talking to this crab, which makes me very uncomfortable but also I’m high and I can’t tell if it’s ME or the CRAB or what the hell is going on. It was pretty touch and go for a minute.

Fan favorite Mikey (see what I did there) would really love to take Clare out, get to know her better, and maybe see if there is a romantic connection between them. Or as he puts it, “going on a date would be, like, awesome.” Mikey strikes me as the kind of guy who still wears super hero underpants. I don’t even know what that means, but I stand by it.

He forces Clare to go on a date and they immediately find out that they will be doing tantric yoga. You couldn’t wipe the smile off Mikey’s face if you were drowning a newborn puppy right in front of him. He is EXCITED. Clare wants to die.

I’m going to gloss over the fact that this might be Mikey’s first time having physical contact with a girl. His favorite yoga pose is the Downward Clare, which is both disturbing and also how I assume Clare describes the aftermath of getting her ass dumped by Juan Pablo.

In the happiest news ever, Ashley S. is back from the hospital and has somehow snagged the hottest guy in paradise. Work, bitch!

Now that everyone’s coupled off, Tenley is suddenly aware that she may be going home. It’s sad because she deserves love too! She immediately gets her flirt on with JJ in a last-ditch effort to stick around. (All JJ wants is “a small gift” and I assume he is referring to a set of worry dolls.)

Here’s where it gets fun. Clare starts talking to Jared at the cocktail party, and we KNOW how upset Ashley I. gets when Jared talks to people. If someone sneezed and he said bless you, she would immediately burst into tears. She can’t help it, guys. She doesn’t know why.

So Ashley I. is now officially freaking the fuck out that Clare AND Tenley have talked to Jared, and goes on a rant about old ladies and how she can’t lose a guy to an “OLD LADY.” Now I’m sitting here wishing there were actual old ladies in paradise, just to mix it up a bit (Jonathan would be down).

Annnnnd now we’re outing people’s boob jobs. Ashley I.’s sister Lauren just sits in that confessional and straight up throws these bitch’s titties under the bus (limo). Just rattles ‘em off! Juelia (fuck that spelling), Jillian, and Jade. I’m not trying to stereotype girls with J names, but I’m seeing a pattern here. But back to the main point which is hey Lauren, don’t be a bitch.

Oddly enough the actual rose tension didn’t have to do with Jared (YET… YET.) and was all about if JJ was going to give his rose to Jillian or Tenley. Um, did you see him give Tenley’s ass a light but confident squeeze as they fell in love on a beach-bed of some kind? Turns out there is a rose for Tenley.

But you know who the real winner was last night? Her adorable fucking pink crop top set. Hi, I want your clothes please. Jillian and her statement necklace never stood a chance.

Check out the recap of Night 1 here.

Recap: Bachelor In Paradise Premiere, Night 1

August 3, 2015October 5, 20152 Comments

“We’re into athletes, we’re not into meatheads.”

We left off in Bachelorland with Shawn proposing to Kaitlyn and the whole world yelling “REJECTED!!!” at Nick. And last night Chris Harrison (adhering to a STRICT beach casual dress code) kept all of our dreams alive with the beautiful gift that is the premiere of Bachelor in Paradise… A two-part event!™

The first thing we learn is that Tanner is salty as hell. Yeah, Kaitlyn didn’t like you. Was it because you didn’t have a “strong connection,” was it was because your name is Tanner? We may never know.

Ol’ Blackbox Jillian (also her pirate name) got a boob job since we last saw her, which was the right move for someone whose lifelong goal is to have every part of her body hard as a rock.

Speaking of hard bodies, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. Four seconds into the show and bro’s under boob sweat is seeping right through his lavender shirt. He just has too much testosterone, guys!! His breasts are literally sweating from all of the hormones. So he’s of course the first one to take his shirt off. Let the season of necklace microphones commence.

“But I don’t want to wear this pukka shell necklace.”
“You have to, otherwise we can’t hear you groaning while getting a hand job in a cabana.” (What I assume 99% of conversations with the producers are like.)

Mega shouts to crazy ass onion girl Ashley S. for constantly breaking the fourth wall. It has to annoy the hell out of the network, but Jesus Christ is it fun to watch. Does she own birds, does she not? Who knows! This isn’t a set, this is her life!

Now they start drinking like they’ll be bussed off to rehab tomorrow. Ashley I.’s sister Lauren is along for the ride, which of course gets all the other women’s bikini bottoms in a twist and makes them say things like, “Lauren I. just wants to have fun and drink and hang. I don’t think the guys will like that.” Guys hate girls who party and put out. That’s been proven time and time again.

Which brings me to the most important question of the night: Did Ashley I.’s sister want to be referred to as a slut no fewer than three times in the first episode of the show? If so, why? (500 word essay, due Thursday)

Chris Harrison throws another wrench in the rules when he explains that if one sister gets a rose, the other one will too. They are a package deal, which has Jonathan deciding how he’s going to fuck them both at the same time. It should be noted that Jonathan thinks all the women are “delicious” pieces of fruit that he wants to “take a bite out of.” Either Jonathan is creepy as hell, or he is on mushrooms and is hallucinating like a motherfucker.

Suddenly they’re sitting on these benches with an aisle down the middle and they’re all wondering what’s about to happen (none of them have ever been invited to a wedding). Don’t worry, they crack the case! It’s a wedding, guys. It’s a wedding.

Within five minutes of the wedding I was in a deep, deep sleep of boredom. But my ears perked to attention when Marcus said something about not being able to promise that he won’t bother Lacy with kisses in the morning. If there’s one thing vows need, it’s double negatives. However: loved that he made a toast to the contestants even though it was his fucking wedding. ABC at its finest!

So now they’re all back at the house sitting by the bonfire. Ashley I. (a 7th Grader) like, totally has a crush on Jared and like, has to talk to him but CAN’T! She just sits there and totally can’t say anything! Ughhh so annoying, right? Words are hard.

She breaks the ice with Jared by saying that Cinderella isn’t her princess, Jasmine is her princess. She’s even in her Jasmine bathing suit. Things are now “solidified” between them. Jared immediately goes to walk on the beach with Jade.

Later, 7th Grader goes on a date with Jared, but not before icing her face with a dishtowel. (Princess Jasmine would never be caught dead looking puffy.)

Everyone wants to fuck Jade because she’s your classic bad girl next door who acts shy but really is just dying to pull up her Playboy pics ASAP. WHAT’S THE WIFI PASSWORD IN PARADISE?

So now 7th Grader is stalking Jared and Tanner and Jade are coupling off. You go, Salty Tanner! Get some. I’m not even going to address Carly and Kirk because if I do I will fall into an even deeper slumber than when the wedding was happening.

Out of nowhere Ashley S. is getting wheeled off in a stretcher. I need her to stick around so she can look directly into the camera and say things like, “It’s really weird being on a television show” therefore ruining any usable footage they have of her.

We end with the fact that CLARE’S BACK, BITCHES. She is now the Real World Tonya of the Bachelor franchise and I assume will be on Bachelor spinoffs until the end of eternity. And if you don’t know who Tonya is then congratulations, you respect yourself and maybe even have a good thing going in your life. You’ve also probably never seen a girl pee out a kidney stone on television, which is a thing that actually happened.

Looking forward to tonight when we finally get to shell out some roses and watch 7th Grader have a complete meltdown when she realizes that Clare does not fuck around (except in oceans, hi Juan Pablo!!) and will be riding that Jared D in like, five minutes.

Can’t wait to watch everyone’s sunburns progress. It’s going to be an incredible journey.

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Tag: the bachelor

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