The Bachelorette Recap: “We Overcooked The Meatloaf”

August 2, 2016August 2, 20161 Comment

Like any thrill ride with twists, turns and things moving too fast, eventually it all comes to a stop and when it does, you have to try not to barf.

Let’s start with the fact that Chris Harrison says fin-ahh-lee, as in, word that rhymes with Bali. You fancy, Mr. Harrison! My Chicago-born ass is sitting here pronouncing things like a god damn soccer mom, “Let’s check out a pep rally in an alley before watching the finale.”

Back in Thailand Jojo has found herself in “a bit of a predicament,” which is the understatement of the year. Aaron Rodgers’ brother shows up to meet her family and gets out of a weird car holding weird flowers.

He is one of those guys who your parents think is charming, but your brothers know is a piece of shit. That is what is happening here, in Thailand, with the Fletchers. (In Thailand With The Fletchers is a new spin-off show I’m workshopping.)

I’m not sure why but he gives them all silly hats that are straight up out of a Mr. Potato Head box, and then Jojo’s mother proceeds to tell him that Jojo has trust issues. Hold. Up. If the first thing out of my mom’s mouth was emotional baggage filled with dirty laundry (“Whoa Sam, that was really cool what you did there, with those phrases” –You guys) I’d be like CAN IT, MA. Damn.

He explains that he and Jojo are best friends, and then he holds hands with her mom, they start sobbing hysterically, and light a unity candle while burning sage in their underwear. None of that actually happens, except the hand holding part.

Aaron Rodgers’ brother is feeling pret-ty good about himself and like every successful encounter he’s ever had with a woman, is thinking, “Nailed it!! Hit the locker room!” Except dude kind of sort of did NOT ask her father for her hand in marriage. Way to go, buddy. Way to fucking go.

There are two things that are important to Jojo: having a lot of eyelash extensions, and a man asking for her father’s blessing before he proposes. Aaron Rodgers’ brother really shit the bed on this one (which happens to be the name of his memoir).

It’s Robby’s turn to meet dem folks, and look at his skin tone:

Very blush colored. Bright but still in the pastel family, which is Robby’s favorite family ever in the whole wide world, including Jojo’s.

Robby tells a story that starts with, “In Uruguay, atop a cliff before we jumped-“ and it’s like c’mon, Robby. It’s not like you paid for this fucking trip so no need to act like you really swept her off your feet with your Expedia itinerary.

Anyway he tells her fambo that he was the first to say I love you to Jojo, and her father and I agree this is not a fucking accomplishment. Here is her father’s face when he tells him that:

He then asks both her parents for her hand in marriage and says a LOT OF WORDS, and honestly where are this boy’s cue cards?? Does he have an earpiece in? Either he has this speech written in smudgy ink on his hand or he has a secret MFA in theater because dude is CRUSHING IT.

Jojo’s dad is honored that Robby will be in their family and I hear myself going, “He won’t be though,” because like my refrigerator that is currently on the fritz, I like to spoil things.

Robby leaves and now Jojo and her family talk about the guys she’s fucking and I just cannot imagine my family doing any of this. Getting camera ready and sitting on a couch going, “Well Sam, you have to follow your heart…” In NO WORLD would anyone I’m related to do that and I respect the hell out of them for it.

Jojo finds out that Aaron Rodgers’ brother DID NOT ASK FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE and it like, upsets her to her core.

Her parents are basically like welp, Robby is the best, and Jojo gets actually pissed at them for it and starts throwing a teenage tempter tantrum, the theme of which is, “Oh OKAY so you’re all Team Robby then,” while she crosses her arms and won’t look any of them in the eye.

On Jojo and Robby’s final date he tells the weirdest story I have ever heard in my entire life. One day they’ll hear the pitter patter of little feet while cooking meatloaf but they’ll be laughing so much with their small children (that have identical hair bumps as Robby, I assume) that they’ll overcook the meatloaf but who cares because they’re happy and delivery pizza tastes better anyway? I’m like HUH???

At this point I’m very concerned for Robby because dude is like, TOO SURE about all of this. Also he gives her some photos he printed, so I guess we can all point blame at a certain CVS Photo Center employee who is clearly Reality Steve’s secret source for information.

Jojo’s date with Aaron Rodgers’ brother doesn’t seem to be going well, probably because girl starts playing the ultimate game of I’m Mad At You, Let’s See How Long It Takes You To Figure It Out. Obviously her first move is, “How was your conversation with my dad? Oh it was great? What did you talk about?” In the words of that thing from Star Wars, IT’S A TRAP!!!!

She is fucking mad and doesn’t understand how he doesn’t KNOW it will be them at the end and he’s kind of like uh, Robby? Remember Robby? He’s still here, right?

Speaking of the actual devil, before Robby picks out an engagement ring he brings us behind the curtain to witness how the fuck he gets his hair to look so insane. It is apparently a four step process, outlined below.

HA. Great. He then meets Neil Lane who says, “I’m Neil Lane,” to which Robby responds with, “I’m Robby Hayes.” Neil Lane doesn’t care about your last name, Robby!

He picks out a ring, it is very sparkly.

PS: what is Robby’s job? A job says a LOT about a person so it’s weird to me that besides once being a fucking swimmer, I have no idea what this fool does for a living.

Now Aaron Rodgers’ brother calls Jojo’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage because ya know, he done goofed earlier. He also writes her a letter that appears to have all of the words and makings of something I would not want to receive.

And now, it’s time. THE TIME. Jojo of course had a moment of clarity when she woke up this morning, which is what they all say in a last-ditch effort to make you think this betch really was torn until the second she says goodbye to one of them even know WE ALL KNOW she is only in love with one guy and has been playing the other one like a fucking fiddle for the sake of amazing television (which, for the record, I appreciate).

Whoever gets out of the limo first is a goner and I think we can all agree that there is only one person in the entire country of Thailand that these socks could possibly belong to.

Bye, Robby. He’s ready to propose, and I look over at my two beautiful friends Natalie and Jordan who are watching this with me and I realize that we are all holding our breaths, bracing for impact.

She dumps his ass and he is kind of like wait, what? Because see the magic of this show is they NEVER SEE IT COMING.

He rides home in the van wearing his seat belt all wrong, like somebody who has lost the will to live. It will get better, Robby! Don’t try to kill yourself in this weird production van!

And now, the part with all the love. Aaron Rodgers’ brother comes up to her and says a bunch of really great things that I hope someone says to me one day (NOT IN FRONT OF CAMERAS) and she is like I love you! So much! Yes! Yay! And they get engaged.

I MEAN look at these happy motherfuckers:

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE, we check back in with Chris Harrison who promises to stir up some Aaron Rodgers family drama so although it is getting late as fuck on the West Coast, I’m in.

Robby comes out and he is really not okay, which I get because girl made his heart explode into shrapnel like, two months ago. However I am not digging his checkered pocket square/tie/small lapel flower situation and I’ll say that on record. No need to transition from pastels to patterns, Robby. One of these days we’ll put you in a nice navy blue and see how ya do.

He explains to Chris Harrison that he honestly thought he was the only man left in Thailand by the end of it. Yikes. She tells him her heart was always with Aaron Rodgers’ brother which again confirms what I said earlier about how they are always in love with the one person the whole time and the rest is just television trickery.

Robby asks if she ever wonders about what their lives would’ve been like and she is like, no? I mean he really truly thinks that it came down to the last straw, and she was in love with him. He KEEPS SAYING that she said she was in love with him and it’s like Robby, let me help you out here: she was not in love with you. She was in love with Aaron Rodgers’ brother.

Also someone went a BIT aggressive with her hair extensions. Whoa.

Anyway at some point in the night Robby leaves and now Chad is saying he was ALSO a marine, it wasn’t just Luke and Alex and I’m like say what now? Did I smoke too much weed tonight? Where is he going with this?

They bring Aaron Rogers’ brother out and he and Jojo are ADORABLE together because let’s be real, she WOULD marry an NFL player who she literally already has mutual friends with. Duh. Makes so much sense. Also he is the most fuckable person on the show so it was kind of a no brainer here.

They just want to go to Chipotle together, okay? They want to go to Chipotle and then move into their NEW HOUSE IN DALLAS. If you’re eating Chipotle all I can say is I hope the new digs have more than one bathroom (that was a poop joke).

Chris Harrison attempts to ask about Aaron Rodgers and their family shit storm and they are not having it, which is a total letdown.

We end on Chris Harrison plugging the new season of Bachelor in Paradise, which he describes has, “Truly a train wreck.” If I didn’t have this intense obligation to all you fuckers I would be like hey, I’ll watch that shit this weekend and really relax but obviously I can’t do that so please GET EXCITED for my Bachelor in Paradise recaps, as they will start tomorrow!

It should be good. Paradise is really where they let the hinges fall off.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.

I will also give you the option to follow me on Twitter.

Before we say goodbye to Aaron Rodgers’ brother forever, as a send off of sorts, let’s take a moment to appreciate the intense focus he has while doing his hair. He takes it VERY SERIOUSLY.

Thank you, that is all.

The Bachelorette Recap: “Country Clubs and Coloring Books”

July 26, 2016July 27, 20163 Comments

When life gives you lemons, you’re supposed to make lemonade. When Jojo’s life gives her lemons she sort of just, eats the lemons?

We left off last week with four dudes standing in an airplane hanger like chumps while Jojo sobbed hysterically on the tarmac. Luke just told her he loves her and now the other boys are like WHAT is happening.

In the most dramatic rose ceremony of the season (© Chris Harrison) she keeps Aaron Rodgers’ brother, Robby, and Chase. Talk. About. A head scratcher. I know none of my friends were into Luke, but I felt like my weird attraction to his clichés and tall hair is what bonded Jojo and I together for eternity.

Girl is like, UPSET and it’s leading me to believe that the producers forced her to kick him off so that America will love him enough to make him the next Bachelor. I don’t usually believe in conspiracy theories, but this is exactly like that time everybody said we landed on the moon and we didn’t.

Luke is shocked. So shocked, that I worry some of his unresolved PTSD is going to come back and haunt his every thought. This is the face of someone who’s going to need to go BACK to therapy for this shit:

He’s like, WHAT?? Meanwhile Jojo is literally snotting all over the tarmac with her deep, heavy sobs. I want to be like babe, you didn’t have to send him home? OR DID YOU?! Dun dun DUNNNN. (“Get a grip, Sam.” –Me to myself, almost every day)

The final three go to Thailand for what Jojo calls the “exotic overnight dates.” Is she fucking high? They’re called Fantasy Suites. How do you forget the token phrase of The Bachelor franchise (besides, “He has all the qualities I’m looking for in a husband, but…”).

Robby’s date is up first and they meet in a marketplace where I guess it’s humid as balls. He immediately goes, “And you thought Florida was hot!” Well, well, well, look who’s suddenly a comedian! This is how pleased Robby is with his joke:

I half expect him to go, “…Right?! ‘Cause it’s hot there too! Jojo? Are you listening?” Truthfully I know he won’t say that, because he only calls her Joelle these days, which is juuuuust creepy enough for me to think he’s going to cut off locks of her hair in her sleep and keep them in a Ziplock bag under his pillow forever.

Speaking of hair, look at his fucking hair:

I know it’s in the EXACT same place as it is every single time I look at it but honestly my anger for it is growing at a frighteningly rapid pace. (However if he’d like to share his teasing techniques, hit me up.)

They get pedicures (I think they were just massages but in my mind he got a fresh coat of OPI’s Lincoln Park After Dark) and walk around this marketplace while is absolutely POURS. I mean, it is raining SO HARD and I want you all to realize how intense it is to lug god damn EXPENSIVE ASS CAMERAS around in a monsoon. I can’t begin to imagine how many huge plastic bags are duct taped around them.

That night Robby brings a note from his dad to prove once and for all that Jojo can trust him. I would prefer that he brought a doctor’s note, as that is the worldwide currency for, “You have to believe me” but you can’t win ’em all.

Then SHE gives HIM a note and it’s like guys, we are nowhere near a classroom right now, you don’t have pass notes back and forth! You can just talk to each other’s faces. Anyway Robby grins and goes, “I will gladly forego my individual room” which makes me laugh out loud but also makes me cringe. This guy knows what’s about to go down:

She then sits in front of the camera and tells the world she loves Robby. UM, SAY WHAT NOW? She loves Robby? Like, loves loves Robby? Did she see that last week he only buttoned the bottom button of his shirt? Should we tell her that in case she didn’t notice??

Cut to the classic morning-after breakfast (“Morning-after breakfast? What’s that?” –Every girl in America) and they’ve got a fuckin’ spread.

Jojo is thrilled and says, “It’s our first breakfast together!” It is very alarming because she’s still talking like she actually does love Robby.

Aaron Rodgers’ brother’s date is next, and they’re going on a hike! He has a huge backpack on that I assume is just for holding all of his expensive hair oils.

They get to a temple where they can’t kiss, and then sit on a rock and enjoy the beautiful vistas.

Get it? I said vistas because they’re starting at a fucking rock.

At dinner, she needs to get to the tough questions. She asks him what the future looks like and his response is, “That’s a tough question to answer,” which let me tell you is the WRONG answer.

I can tell she’s starting to freak out because she goes, “That’s what Ben said!” and I immediately shout OOOH, GIRL!! I mean, damn, you’re bringin’ fucking B-Ball Higgins into this mess? She asks how he knows it’s forever and he lets out a big exhale, which I think translates to how hard do I have to work to get this fucking fantasy suite key?

Jojo loves him too, guys. She says so. Moments later, she patiently waits for the D.

The next morning she’s all giddy and says, “We’re eating our first breakfast together!” Bitch, you already said that. YESTERDAY MORNING. TO ROBBY. We get a final glimpse of their love with the obligatory walking-away-shot that producers of this show cream their pants over.

On Chase’s date, he kisses a fish.

Okay fine, they also have a beach day and it’s actually pretty romantic. Chase is opening up and although he is still pretty boring, there is vast improvement. He’s maybe even sexy and it’s like great, Chase. Way to really bring your A-game once she’s already fucked two other guys she’s in love with. That last ditch effort is what Aaron Rodgers’ brother would call a Hail Mary.

Before the evening part of their date, they keep showing Jojo and Chase in separate rooms staring into the distance so I know trouble is brewing. Sure enough, there is a knock on her door and fucking ROBBY shows up. Like, in the middle of her day with Chase.

Robby is a piece of shit. Who does that? I do NOT LIKE IT. He just wanted to say hi, because he is not man enough to just be confident. Aaron Rodgers’ brother may be a little douchey but you know what he’s not doing? Showing up to say hi.

I’m really worried about Chase. I have a soft spot in my heart for him after their fucking beach day, and I know it’s because this show has mind control serum in it and they’re toying with my emotions however they damn well please.

He is going to be so sad, so soon. But in Jojo’s defense, there is no amount of Xanax that could calm me from the panic of three men being in love with me at the same time. I’d be like, “WOW OKAY. I HAVE TO GO,” and would immediately pack my bags, move to Costa Rica and start going by the name Sofía.

In the fantasy suite he tells her he loves her and also tells her he’s never said I love you first. I am probably as sick to my stomach as Jojo is. Here is her face, which is all you need to know about how this night is going to go for him:

She needs to take a moment, so she sits outside and cries. I would sit out side and BARF. I would barf so much Thai food all over the place because this shit is looking stressful as FUCK right now. Here is Chase waiting for her to come back and smash his heart into one million pieces:

She comes back and says she didn’t feel how she wanted to feel when he said that, blah blah, and he is like, mad. He goes, “I get the point,” and stands up. Yes, Chase. Slay! Except then he goes, “So love means get the fuck out?” Eeee! This is some family divorce baggage rearing its ugly head.

A lot happens in a small amount of time, but basically she keeps shouting his name and he tells the cameras that what just happened to him was the emotional equivalent of pulling your pants down and getting kicked in the nuts. Eloquence has never been his strong suit.

At the rose ceremony, which is now just Robby and Aaron Rodgers’ brother, it is slightly awkward. They notice he’s not there and they’re both kind of stoked on it.

But then, suddenly, CHASE WALKS DOWN THE STEPS.

I thought his plane would be halfway over the Pacific by now. She goes to talk to him and the other boys are sweating, literally.

Chase says he’s proud of her, he’s impressed by her, he’s not mad. Let me just say if any guy I’ve ever broken up with came to me the NEXT DAY and said those things I would be like GREAT! That is fucking great. A real weight off my shoulders.

Robby and Aaron Rodgers’ brother obviously get the last two roses, and next week will meet her family. If anyone remembers Ben’s season, Jojo’s family was the one where the mom drank straight from a bottle and her brothers were huge assholes. I’m sure it’s all going to go VERY WELL.

More importantly the MEN TELL ALL is happening TONIGHT, and I can’t wait to see the whole gang! And yes, my little ducklings, I will be recapping it. This is my whole life now.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.

I am also hilarious on Twitter.

Now, who wore their dumb mode of transportation best?