The Bachelorette Premiere: “Whaboom, son!”

bachelorette promo

And just like that, I’m back again. Like I’ve told all of my exes, “YOU CAN’T GET RID OF ME THAT EASILY!! MUAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!” as I disappear into a cloud of smoke.

I can’t tell you how absolutely TICKLED I am that The Bachelorette has started and my girl Rachel is getting her moment, so let us begin. Since we last saw her, Rachel’s been living in Dallas as an attorney, as evidenced by the fake footage of a trial where they literally make her say, “Objection!” into camera.

judge rachel attorney.JPG

We are all that judge.

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#TBT: Haiku Series

By Sam Jarvis

Out of dry shampoo.
Amazon Prime takes two days
But I need it now.

What to have for lunch?
Something healthy or yummy?
I guess I’ll eat carbs.

Gel manicure chipped
So I sit here picking them.
Now they look awful.

A boy is en route,
I guess I will shower now.
I don’t feel like it.

I want some rosé.
The fridge is barren and sad
Who will bring me some?

 

 

Read more from my strange brain here.

The Bachelor recap: “I Might Be White But I’m Still A Minority” + Women Tell All

sauna vanessa

Guys. Grab a snack, pour a beverage,  and try to pee, because we are about to settle in for a three hour Bachelor event®, which is longer than I attend most real-life events.

We jump right into the morning-after phase of Raven’s overnight date, and if you’re wondering whether or not he gave her the first orgasm of her sad life, she summarizes the night by explaining that, “Nick is pretty good at what he does, so I’m satisfied.”

raven post sex

I immediately hear myself say ew, while my boyfriend goes, “That lacked subtlety,” before standing up and leaving the room for what I assume will be forever.

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The Bachelor recap: “My Heart Is Gold But My Vagine Is Platinum”

sad girls.JPG

Let me take this time to thank each and every one of you who heard the VIRAL NEWS that Rachel is going to be the next Bachelorette, and then immediately texted or e-mailed me to congratulate me on being so fucking right. Because who guessed weeks ago that she was going to be the first black Bachelorette? Oh, that’s right-

8myeo

Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.

We left off last week with Nick crying and crying and crying. He had the most major case of le sads ever, because what if he can’t find his wife on this television show? WHERE, oh where, in the city of Los Angeles will he find someone who shares the same interests as him, such as being on a television show?

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Spoiler Alert

gilmore-girls-year-in-the-life-scene-4-words-review-wtfSHE AND JESS DON’T EVEN KISS??????????

WHY THE FUCK IS LOGAN MARRYING SOME BITCH NAMED ODETTE????

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY. YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO’S TOO COOL TO COME BACK FOR THE REVIVAL? YA RIGHT.

<<pours a whiskey, eats a Pop Tart>>

Haiku Series

By Sam Jarvis

Out of dry shampoo.
Amazon Prime takes two days
But I need it now.

What to have for lunch?
Something healthy or yummy?
I guess I’ll eat carbs.

Gel manicure chipped
So I sit here picking them.
Now they look awful.

A boy is en route,
I guess I will shower now.
I don’t feel like it.

I want some rosé.
The fridge is barren and sad
Who will bring me some?

 

Read more from my strange mind here.