Honestly any of them will do.
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Tag: real housewives
When Someone Overshares Their Medical Issues On Facebook
When You’re Trying To Get In On A Group Hug But Don’t Know What To Do With Your Hands
“Wrap them around the other people, Carole.” -Bethenny from the couch, as she aggressively fluffs a throw pillow
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What Did She Say About Me?
When You Tell Your Friend Her Haircut Is Bad
When Your Friends Don’t Appreciate Your Efforts
I baked crostinis, you ungrateful motherfuckers.
Live-Texting Real Housewives
Highlights from our exchange include, “They’re at the Beverly Hills SoulCycle” and “Eileen’s highlights. They are so chunky.”
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: “Being Broke Sucks And Being Rich Is A Lot Better.”
Do you think Ken and Lisa have ever been inside a one-bedroom apartment? I feel like they’d really hate mine.
Still in Europe, Ken and Lisa helicopter out of Tuscany and into Monte Carlo, which is straight out of a Bourne movie if Bourne movies had pink diamonds and lots of cleavage. Or any STRONG FEMALE LEADS. Take that, Hollywood! Girl power! Where the fuck is Ginger Spice, get her over here!!
We formally meet Erika Girardi (she is an enigma wrapped in a riddle and cash, you guys) and she actually seems pretty fucking chill. I mean how turnt up can you be when you’re getting vitamin C IVs with Yolanda, but still.
Meanwhile Eileen, Lisa Rinna and Kyle meet up for lunch and Eileen and Lisa are both in LEOPARD!!! Like, they cannot fucking believe they’re both in leopard WHAT ARE THE ODDS. It’s so fun. Everyone loves it. Leopard!! Of all things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They chat and here’s how comfortable Kyle is talking about Kim fleeing rehab:
Listen Kyle, I know you’re a good person but at a certain point ya gotta cut people loose. Kim is gonna do Kim, Kathy Hilton who is *probably* a huge bitch is going to continue to *probably* be a huge bitch. Kyle should be like aight BYE PLAYERS! And keep it moving.
Vanderpump and Rinna are now flying to Ohio to pick up the world’s smallest horse for Ken’s birthday, because what else was she going to get him, a Fitbit? Rinna’s all like, “It must be weird to leave her farm and get on a jet.” So perceptive. I really can’t wait to read her memoirs.
Also there is a big storm and these are their faces as they hear lightning:
The most magical screenshot I’ve ever taken.
So back to this horse. The horse doesn’t leave the farm and get on a jet because it’s a lame ass horse. Maybe she said it’s leg was lame. One of those is right. They fly all the way home with nothing to show for it but airplane hair and a story about how Lisa Rinna caught a chicken.
Now we really start to get to know Erika, first by learning that her husband was Erin Brockovich’s lawyer (FUCK hexavalent 6, amiright?!!). He is super old and she’s all like look honey, the pool tiles are broken.
But it’s time to meet Erika Jayne, Erika’s alter ego/the most porn star name I have ever heard in my entire life. Which is weird, because her outfits are so demure.
“Yes, the crotch panel looks like a humongous pube bush.” -My notes
For Ken’s 70th birthday party, and it appears that the mad hatter’s party planner was kidnapped and dragged back up the rabbit hole, only to be tied up in Lisa’s back yard and forced to tell all his secrets.
Taylor Armstrong shows up, and Vanderpump and I think the same thing at the same time (that shit always happens with us), which is that trouble is a-brewin. Taylor is the biggest fucking shit stirrer in the entire world and under her name it should say, “Crazy Person.”
Look I know she has problems. She’s been through a lot. But cocktails bring out the NUTSO in her and she just can’t be stopped. She goes in on Yolanda for like, being sick, and Rinna’s not having any of it and is basically like wow I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Taylor is completely unaware, as she is all of the time.
They throw Ken in the shallow end of the pool, which is a great idea if you fucking hate Ken and want him to die and/or break one of his TWO hips he JUST REPLACED. Anyway look at these drunk fools:
Here’s a bonus shot of Lisa Vanderpump’s ass in a white dress:
Next week they’re going to start the Yolanda witch hunt about if she’s really sick or not. I’m sure everything they say is going to be heavily backed up by facts and real knowledge because as you all know, every cast member on this show went to medical school.
Come to think of it did any of them go to college? Like any of the real housewives, ever? I bet Bethenny did. She totes did.
Read more of my show recaps here.
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: “She Loves Muumuus.”
Like a basketball player getting off a commercial flight, the women of Beverly Hills are just starting to stretch their legs. (“What?”-Things I think to myself when I write.)
Lisa and Ken pack for their trip to Italy with Kyle and her family, except Ken cannot shut the fuck up about the fact that Kyle only wears muumuus even though it’s clear as day Kyle only wears Maxi dresses, and a guy who is currently sitting in the salon of his closet should fucking know that.
Lisa Rinna’s daughter asks who gave her the diamond earrings for her birthday and Lisa goes, “Harry Hamlin.” I’m pretty sure that since Harry Hamlin is this girl’s father, you could just say Harry and she’d get the picture. Hell, say dad! But Rinna’s giving Finding Nemo REALNESS right now and that’s truly all that matters.
Meanwhile Kyle’s upset that she was uninvited to Nicky Hilton’s wedding (which sounds like a fucking SNOOZEFEST anyway, girl), but what I’m upset about is the fact that Yolanda is going to get all her fillings removed. Look I get it, Lyme disease is shitty and ya gotta get better. But this shit is not my jam AT ALL.
As soon as she even says the word dentist my anxiety kicks in and my palms start sweating. She’s huffing that dope ass Nitrous, but seems to be having some kind of medical emergency and is kicking her feet around and I honestly might not be able to watch the rest of this episode. This is literally my goddamn nightmare.
Once she’s fine and drugged to all hell she says to David, “Aren’t you happy you married me?” and he goes, “Thrilled.” Which is like, so much shade I can’t even right now. (A good time to note that Yolanda is worth more than David in this divorce and it’s like boom, roasted.)
Kyle and her family have been on a five-bedroom yacht for who knows how long getting all up in that Mediterranean. How much of a fucking CATCH is Mauricio. Seriously. He is aging like a fine wine and selling the shit out of $100 million dollar houses. Yummers.
Back in the United States of America Lisa Rinna is busting her daughter for having a crush on Yolanda’s son, on national television. Thanks, mom. Super neat.
Lisa and Eileen visit Yolanda and things take a turn “to the left, to the left.” –Beyonce. Daisy, Yolanda’s health specialist/fellow MUY BLONDE, decides it’s totally fine and ethical to show the girls Yolanda’s cabinet of medicine. This shit is so overwhelming that I bet Rinna is perusing that shelf going, “Please God have a Xanax handy.”
Look at this medicine cabinet. Look at how fucking proud of herself Daisy is:
Yolanda goes on to explain she had a parasite infection and some of them were TWO FEET LONG. Um, hi. If I have a TWO FOOT LONG ANYTHING swimming through my body I’m going fuck this holistic shit, I’m cutting my stomach open and ripping those suckers out myself. What the SHIT is she even talking about. I need more information.
Now Kyle and her family, Lisa and Ken, and mosquitoes sit down for a lovely evening under the Tuscan sun (Moon? Whatever.). Of course Lisa has to bring up this wedding shizz and here’s how thrilled everyone is about it:
She keeps saying things like, “Maybe I’m speaking out of turn, but-” and “Listen I don’t want to overstep boundaries, but-” Bitch COOL IT! Everybody is sick of it ESPECIALLY ALEXIA.
She’s had enough and this teenager basically says HEY MOTHERFUCKERS, SHUT THE HELL UP. Love it, love her. Alexia is not a basic bitch and she is NOT THE ONE.
Check out more of my show recaps here.
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Premiere Recap: “Thanks, Bitch.”
If the Real Housewives franchises were 90s pop stars, Beverly Hills would be Britney. Sparkly, rich as shit, and slightly medicated.
Look, I have no goddamn clue who new housewife Erika Girardi is (Google tells me she is a dance pop star), but this bitch’s tagline is pure gold. She goes, “I’m an enigma wrapped in a riddle and cash.” Um, WHAT? Girl, what the actual fuck are you talking about.
Meanwhile Lisa Vanderpump loves dogs but isn’t “crazy about bitches” which made me go, “HA!” into my bag of Pirate’s Booty. We’re off to a good start. Also she’s turning into my old Anastasia Barbie, which is not even a joke so much as it’s a fact.
Kyle tries on sunglasses that are $75,000, completely blowing ol’ Dana “These sunglasses cost $25,000” Wilkey out of the fucking water. Kyle could’ve gotten a much better deal had she checked out Cynthia Bailey’s eyewear line but that is a story for another day!! And another city.
Yolanda is still sick and explains that she’s been living in her and David’s condo for the last 9 months so it’s easier to get treatment, but everybody who just read about their split on Perez Hilton is going OH SNAP.
Suddenly Lisa Vanderpump doesn’t know if Yolanda has Lyme disease. Uh, Lisa? How the fuck do you not know if Yolanda has Lyme disease. Does she look like her name is Brooks Ayers to you?? (If Lisa asks for Yolanda’s CITY OF HOPE DOCUMENTS, I will die.)
Lisa throws the first pitch at a Dodgers game and this is Bravo’s attempt at sports coverage:
Perfect.
Lisa Rinna explains that her kids work for their money and her daughter has a job in a deli making toast. The second she says it she bursts into genuine laughter. LOL. Toast. She’s all, “You wanna Maserati? You better work, bitch!” (Second Britney reference. It’s her birthday today, guys. Show some respect.)
Now we’re spending way too much time on her teenage daughters in bathing suits and I am very uncomfortable. At first it’s like oh, cute suits. Then it’s like yeah we get it, they’re a little tight on them. Now it’s like GUYS PLEASE STOP PANNING UP AND DOWN, I DON’T WANT TO END UP ON SOME KIND OF LIST.
Yolanda decides she’s well enough to stop by Lisa Rinna’s birthday dinner, except she doesn’t wear makeup and these women have a complete fucking meltdown about it. Like, CANNOT HANDLE IT. Kyle goes, “A woman going out to dinner without a stich of makeup is like, shocking.” Vanderpump’s all, “Nothing on her face, not even a little under eye concealer.”
Guys, this bitch was a model. She looks better than I do after getting my makeup done at one of those fancy ass counters. Chill.
Harry Hamlin buys Lisa diamond earrings and it’s one of those things where they all go aw, those are pretty! And move on with their lives/arugula salads. For diamonds that size, the correct response is to faint.
Yolanda leaves and we’re back to discussing how fucking ugly she looks without makeup. Give it a rest, ya catty bitches!
Because Bravo is my spirit animal, they intercut Ken going, “I told her she looked better, but she didn’t” with Yolanda saying to her friend, “They’re nice, huh?” Ken also says it’s always nice to have a man tell you that you look good. Bro, I don’t need a man to tell me I look good. I have a mirror.
I am so PUMPed™ for this season I can’t even stand it, although I’ll admit I’m missing Kim and Brandi. JK, Brandi’s terrible.
Check out more of my show recaps here.
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