Read more of my short humor pieces here.
It’s Very Relative
Science is quite a science.
How’s Everybody Doin’ Today?
Busted
“What? It’s not like she can see what I searched for.”
Thanks for stopping by my site, brosef. Sorry there aren’t any nudes.
Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Recap: “I Love Angel Dust”
Welp, my diet officially starts today. Which meal plan is the one that makes your legs 8 inches longer? Are marshmallows considered carbs?
We open with a montage of the girls backstage, and the only thing that would make it even more straight up 90s would be if someone came out of a dressing room so other girls could give her a THUMBS UP or THUMBS DOWN while she models some type of weird hat.
Behati opens the show and the first theme of the night seems to be a bad mushroom trip I had in college. (How they got ahold of my journals, I’ll never know.)
Kendall Jenner makes her first appearance, which is very exciting even though I feel like I’m going to throw up. Her body is SO GOOD and I’m suddenly extremely aware of all the times I sat on my couch smoking weed while glancing longingly at the resistance bands collecting dust in the corner of the room.
Kris Jenner and her man Corey Gamble are very busy taking footage in goddamn POTATO MODE which is like, the most basic thing you can do at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Turn your phone to the side, guys. It’s 2015. Act like ya been there before.
Meanwhile on what I assume is the complete opposite part of the room, Caitlyn Jenner is sitting next to Logan Huntzberger, so the universe is riiiiight where it needs to be.
Now we’re hearing behind the scenes audio like, “Go! Go! Go!” and “Standby!” from crew members in all black who are sweating profusely as they press walkie talkies to their mouths (I have a very colorful imagination). This audio is TOTALLY NOT MADE UP, movie magic is a myth, what you’re seeing is REAL.
It’s time for The Weeknd to perform and of course goddess Alessandra Ambrosio walks by while he’s singing so I’m pretty sure dude is wishing he had a notebook to hold in front of him right now. (That was an erection joke.)
Kendall comes out for her second outfit and I have to hand it to her bitch is SLAYING IT. Look at the fucking face she is giving right now:
You know who else is crushing it? This girl right here:
Jesus Christ I need to update my wardrobe (“Siri, make a note about buying more fluffy items”).
Meanwhile we’re spending ten thousand hours talking about how to take selfies. This is a long segment, y’all. But Adriana Lima shuts them all down by going, “It’s not that hard” and you know what? She’s right. If you’re me with a wonky eye and a profile that is complete shit, it’s hard. But if THIS IS YOUR FACE:
Selfies cannot be that fucking hard. Like, zero chance. Anyway where the hell is Gigi, right? We’re all thinking it. Finally she shows up and is like hey nerds, this is how you model.
Selena performs and besides some heavy-handed spray tanning and insane colored contacts, she is showing Justin’s big ol’ dick what it’s missing.
Candace aka DAYYYYUM comes out during one of Ellie Goulding’s songs in a sequined number that is giving me so much Britney in Toxic I can’t even handle it. I mean the crown still goes to Brit, but a solid second in the sequined one-piece competition that is held annually in my mind.
It’s finally time for the fantasy bra and I have to say it’s a little meh. Like I get it, shit costs millions of dollars, but it’s never that CUTE, is it? She’s wearing another bra underneath it, so it’s obviously broken.
I will now leave you to rethink everything you’ve ever done in your pathetic, 5’4″ life.
Until next year!
Read my Miss America recap here.
Boys Be Like
Turns out guys like lingerie fashion shows. #themoreyouknow
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: “She Loves Muumuus.”
Like a basketball player getting off a commercial flight, the women of Beverly Hills are just starting to stretch their legs. (“What?”-Things I think to myself when I write.)
Lisa and Ken pack for their trip to Italy with Kyle and her family, except Ken cannot shut the fuck up about the fact that Kyle only wears muumuus even though it’s clear as day Kyle only wears Maxi dresses, and a guy who is currently sitting in the salon of his closet should fucking know that.
Lisa Rinna’s daughter asks who gave her the diamond earrings for her birthday and Lisa goes, “Harry Hamlin.” I’m pretty sure that since Harry Hamlin is this girl’s father, you could just say Harry and she’d get the picture. Hell, say dad! But Rinna’s giving Finding Nemo REALNESS right now and that’s truly all that matters.
Meanwhile Kyle’s upset that she was uninvited to Nicky Hilton’s wedding (which sounds like a fucking SNOOZEFEST anyway, girl), but what I’m upset about is the fact that Yolanda is going to get all her fillings removed. Look I get it, Lyme disease is shitty and ya gotta get better. But this shit is not my jam AT ALL.
As soon as she even says the word dentist my anxiety kicks in and my palms start sweating. She’s huffing that dope ass Nitrous, but seems to be having some kind of medical emergency and is kicking her feet around and I honestly might not be able to watch the rest of this episode. This is literally my goddamn nightmare.
Once she’s fine and drugged to all hell she says to David, “Aren’t you happy you married me?” and he goes, “Thrilled.” Which is like, so much shade I can’t even right now. (A good time to note that Yolanda is worth more than David in this divorce and it’s like boom, roasted.)
Kyle and her family have been on a five-bedroom yacht for who knows how long getting all up in that Mediterranean. How much of a fucking CATCH is Mauricio. Seriously. He is aging like a fine wine and selling the shit out of $100 million dollar houses. Yummers.
Back in the United States of America Lisa Rinna is busting her daughter for having a crush on Yolanda’s son, on national television. Thanks, mom. Super neat.
Lisa and Eileen visit Yolanda and things take a turn “to the left, to the left.” –Beyonce. Daisy, Yolanda’s health specialist/fellow MUY BLONDE, decides it’s totally fine and ethical to show the girls Yolanda’s cabinet of medicine. This shit is so overwhelming that I bet Rinna is perusing that shelf going, “Please God have a Xanax handy.”
Look at this medicine cabinet. Look at how fucking proud of herself Daisy is:
Yolanda goes on to explain she had a parasite infection and some of them were TWO FEET LONG. Um, hi. If I have a TWO FOOT LONG ANYTHING swimming through my body I’m going fuck this holistic shit, I’m cutting my stomach open and ripping those suckers out myself. What the SHIT is she even talking about. I need more information.
Now Kyle and her family, Lisa and Ken, and mosquitoes sit down for a lovely evening under the Tuscan sun (Moon? Whatever.). Of course Lisa has to bring up this wedding shizz and here’s how thrilled everyone is about it:
She keeps saying things like, “Maybe I’m speaking out of turn, but-” and “Listen I don’t want to overstep boundaries, but-” Bitch COOL IT! Everybody is sick of it ESPECIALLY ALEXIA.
She’s had enough and this teenager basically says HEY MOTHERFUCKERS, SHUT THE HELL UP. Love it, love her. Alexia is not a basic bitch and she is NOT THE ONE.
Check out more of my show recaps here.
That New Kardashian Kid
Place ya bets!
UPDATED 1PM PST:
PITA!!!
Crying.
Deleting Contacts Be Like
RIP cabs. RIP cabs in phone.
who is sam jarvis 