Swoon!! ❤
The Bachelor recap: “This Is Like, Some Redneck Sh*t”
IT RAINED IN LA TODAY. I know that’s not a big deal to some of you, but it’s all anybody here’s been talking about for the past twelve hours so I feel like I HAD to mention it.
Week two opens on cool guy Arie riding a cool guy motorcycle next to some super cool rocks. It makes little to no sense.
Becca K. gets the first one on one, and Arie drives her around on this motorcycle. I personally think motorcycles are DANGEROUS and I would not get on one even if a shirtless Jason Momoa was driving it with a satchel full of fucking ice cream strapped to his back.
Golden Globes 2018 recap: “I May Need Some Imodium”
In case you’re wondering why all these betches are in black, it’s because they’re memorializing the death of the patriarchy. Ha! I’m kidding. But close! #TimesUp, shit heads. Donate to support women facing sexual assault in the workplace here.
So let’s get into it. The Golden Globes open with Seth Meyers’s monologue, which seems to really focus on the fact that men in Hollywood are scumbags, even though I feel like I’m looking at a man in Hollywood? Where the fuck is the female host, ya dweebs? Seth makes a joke about how they asked a woman to host, but none of them wanted to be in a hotel room blah blah and it’s like I get it (“it” being COMEDY!) but let’s be real. Y’all didn’t ask a woman to host.
When You’re At A Party And Someone Is Talking About Astrology
Sweet Dreams?
Sounds like Mommy is going to need some Claritin!
The Bachelor Premiere recap: “Please Tell Me You Don’t Have a Little Wiener”
Well HAPPY FUCKIN’ NEW YEAR, kids!! I’ve missed you all a ton. (Sort of.)
I’m going to be totally honest with you guys, the mere thought of starting off 2018 with a freshie fresh season of The Bachelor is what pushed me through the end of 2017 and the accompanying massive head cold I’m suffering from that’s making everything I eat taste like oven-roasted cardboard.
When I first heard Arie was the next bachelor I was pret-ty bummed, mostly because I firmly believe you should never trust anyone with an added E in their name. Also because the last time he was on the show was 45 years ago and the only reason they picked him to do this was because they were in the 11th hour of negotiations with hot ass Peter Kraus when they realized, “Hey, didn’t that race car driver already fill out all the paperwork for this bullshit? Get him on a plane, he can be on Good Morning America in six hours!!” But I’m a sucker for even a dorky bachelor, so I guess I’m in.
The Golden Age
The best kind of humor is one that also makes you sad!
When Someone Says They Don’t Watch Riverdale
‘Cause I’m Dreaming Of You Tonight
I’m sure I made it up to her by rollerskating down a rainbow outside her house, but it wasn’t actually her house, ya know?
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