FAAAAAAAAK.
Tag: sam jarvis
Golden Globes 2017: La La Land and Hidden Fences?
Nothing screams Golden Globes like Sam Jarvis sitting on her couch with a whiskey, wondering where the fuck she went wrong. (If you’re already opening a new tab to Google Sam Jarvis, it’s me, guys, I’m talking about myself.)
We jump right into the award season action with a parody of La La Land, which is cute but a complete waste of Justin Timberlake. If he’s not going sing or dance, why did you show him to me? Jimmy Fallon, always a cock tease. What we do get a lot of, are close-up shots of Fallon’s fucked up finger that he ALLEGEDLY broke while bombed on the hooch.
Look how crooked that finger is. At the time he was like, “Guys I’m fine it’s no big deal!” Your sideways finger would beg to differ, bud.
The Bachelor recap: “You’re A Wiener In My Book”
GUYS! HEY!! HOLY SHIT I MISSED YOU! I’VE BEEN WELL, THANKS. JUST TRUCKING ALONG, WRITING FOR A TELEVISION SHOW AND CONSTANTLY DYING MY HAIR BLONDE. (ALSO EATING TONS OF BREAKFAST BURRITOS!)
Sorry, I had to use a paper towel as a coffee filter this morning so things are just all WACKY on my end. We kick off this season with Nick passionately exclaiming, “I’m Nick and I’m the Bachelor,” in case any of you were sitting at home going, “Hm, I’ve been waiting for this day for four fucking months, but I can’t for the life of me remember who the big show’s all about. Luke? Chase? A newly single and batshit crazy Josh Murray?” LOLZ.
We check out what Nick’s been up to since he dumped Jen’s ass on a beach, and here he is pretending he still has a job:
Nice workbag. It’s probably filled to the brim with head shots and Sugar Bear hair vitamins.
Feelin’ Myself
God bless Snapchat filters and PJs that are outta this world!!
January 2nd
I think we can all learn from this.
Happy Holidays
Spookiest part of 2016.
Best Babe
She’s a lawyer. I’m a writer. Together we sit on the couch a lot and talk Bravo shows.
Words Of The Day
PREACH, SAM!! (Sam is me.)
Spoiler Alert
SHE AND JESS DON’T EVEN KISS??????????
WHY THE FUCK IS LOGAN MARRYING SOME BITCH NAMED ODETTE????
GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY. YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO’S TOO COOL TO COME BACK FOR THE REVIVAL? YA RIGHT.
<<pours a whiskey, eats a Pop Tart>>
who is sam jarvis 