lauren h – who is sam jarvis

What’s the quote from Zoolander, “If you pull the thread, the whole thing will unravel?” That applies here.

The girls get to Mexico and Olivia is thrilled because 1) there is no doubt in her mind that she loves Ben and 2) there is a bidet in her bathroom.

Amanda gets the first date card, which doesn’t make sense to Olivia because Amanda has kids and Olivia is pretty sure Ben doesn’t want Amanda’s kids. OLIVIA MOTHER FUCKING HIGGINS knows everything about her husband, okay?

Ben wakes the girls up at 4:30 in the morning to get Amanda for their date, and I know immediately that they’re going on a god damn hot air balloon ride because that’s the only reason anyone on The Bachelor has ever been woken up in the middle of the night.

Lauren H is ill prepared for Ben’s foyne ass, as evident by the fact that she didn’t take out her retainer or get a manicure.

Amanda and Ben go up into the sky and Ben pretends to know things about world history and it’s very LOL.

Even though Amanda had a bad marriage and says the word like a lot, she gets a rose.

On the group date they’re going to cook and also act like complete psychos on national television. Jubilee immediately starts busting Ben’s balls and it was cute at first but now it’s like girl, no. If there’s one thing guys don’t like, it’s being emasculated in front of all ten of their girlfriends.

Olivia grabs Ben to be her partner for this cook off and the girls are IRRITATED about it. But you know what they say, early bird gets the D. She thinks they have “electri-citAY” and says things like, “Ben and I are on a high right now.” If Ben heard that I bet he’d be like bitch, don’t speak for me.

We cut to commercial, aka the most RANDOM Bachelor-themed McDonalds ad of all time where Catherine feeds Sean Lowe French fries and Chris Soules whispers sweet nothings into Ben’s ear. It is SO FUCKING WEIRD. But jokes on me, I’ve had a few cocktails this evening and now that you mention it, McDonalds sounds absolutely delicious.

Back on the date the girls are still muy salado (translation: salty as shit) about Olivia being Ben’s partner so they talk about Olivia’s bad breath again. Emily hypothesizes that this is why Ben took Olivia to eat mint leaves and I have to say, that is sound fucking logic. That sly shit is exactly the type of genius I would pull on a date with someone suffering from severe halitosis.

Also Ben has made out with SO MANY GIRLS on this date. Look at all these girls:

Jubilee finally gets to talk to Ben after giving off a full day of FUCK YOU!!! vibes. As soon as she stands up I say quietly to myself, “Be nice, Jubilee. Be nice.”

She talks about how she isn’t the Lauren Bs or the Beccas or the JoJos and she’s suddenly given me three incredible names for a girl band. (“Everybody give it up for The Beccas!!!!!” Crowd goes wild.)

Turns out Jubilee is a bit too complicated for Ben’s ass, so he’s got to send her home. This is the first real DUMP of the show and I have to say realizing that there are nine more to go gives me a tingling in my toes like I just shot up heroin. So exciting!! (…And addictive and I might be going down a bad road.)

Olivia gets the rose on the date and Ben basically has to pick everyone’s lipsticked mouths off the floor because they are as shocked as I am.

Also Lauren H gets the final date card and seems to be pleased with herself.

According to Ben they’re going to engross themselves in fashion and she is so excited about it she says, “Holy shoot!” That is the actual phrase she says, out loud.

She walks the runway at Mexico City’s fashion week and ya know what, Imma give her credit because if my dopey ass walked down a runway with actual models it would be BLATANTLY OBVIOUS which one of us was the normie in the group.

It’s time for the rose ceremony, except my DVR is getting suspiciously close to the end of the recording and I know some bullshit is about to go down right now.

Here are a couple things that happen right away: Ben promises JoJo he won’t blindside her (100% chance he will) and Lauren B tells him she could see a life with him. Like a life, life. A life life life life life.

And finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Amanda talks to the girls about her custody schedule and Olivia flat out says, “I feel like it’s an episode of Teen Mom.”

UMM…

At this point my eyes are so wide I have to make sure they’re going to stay inside my skull. Amanda goes, “Excuse me?” and Olivia REPEATS HERSELF as if Amanda was being serious and didn’t fucking hear her. Olivia says AGAIN, “It’s like an episode of Teen Mom. You know, that show…”

I’m not entirely sure why, but this makes Emily cry. Hard. She’s very emotional about it.

She talks to Ben and is like, girl needs to GO.

So now all the girls roll on her. One by one they are like yeahhhh, Olivia is a fucking bitch and we hate her. Just ratting her out like you knew they would. In the final minute, Ben asks to talk to Olivia and here are their faces as he does that:

Amanda knows what’s up, because just before a big TO BE CONTINUED pops up on the screen she goes, “I think she’s going home.”

Rose or not, I’m bettin’ serious ca$h that it’s time to say goodbye to Olivia. Next week.

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This season is really starting to hit its stride, and as usual there are a few girls trudging behind the pack like that one slow ass rhino in Jumanji.

We head to Vegas, where JoJo gets the first date card. Olivia acts like she’s cool as a fucking cucumber about it because she’s, “Zen with Ben,” but you and I both know she is starting to crack and is probably giving herself pep talks in the mirror. (That mirror, she will later realize, is actually a houseplant.)

A helicopter comes to pick up Ben and JoJo and it blows her away! No literally. It smashes their champagne and everything goes flying.

Back at the hotel they read the names on the group date card and that shit goes on FOREVERRRRR. The only way it could possibly sound more like a list of the top 50 baby names of 2015 would be if one of them was named Madison.

On the date, they are all going to be in a talent show. Ahh, yes. I have a feeling some of these ladies are talent-LESS and that’s going to make it MUY INTERESANTE.

Olivia goes on and on about this secret talent she has planned and everyone including me is over it. Is she going to shoot ping pong balls out of her pussy or something? Whatever it is, she is taking it 100% too seriously.

Now. When I say her cake-strip-tease is awkward, I mean it is very, very awkward. Let me tell you something. If you ever have to get on stage in front of people and think to yourself, “I’m just going to wing it,” that shit NEVER WORKS.

After the talent show Caila and Ben make out and he calls her a SEX PANTHER, which makes me giggle. (She does kiss very aggressively so, perhaps he has a point.) What does NOT make me giggle, is Lauren H. kissing the ventriloquist doll.

Olivia, you should be feeling pretty fucking good at this point because watching Lauren kiss this doll is BY FAR one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen in my entire life and I’ve basically forgotten about your panic attack .

But Olivia HAS NOT forgotten about her panic attack. She has to talk to Ben. She HAS to explain why the fuck she jumped out of a god damn cake in front of 1,200 people. But Ben’s eyes are glazing over as if he’s using all of his brain power to subdue the boner that’s still lurking in his pants from ol’ Sex Panther Caila.

For Becca’s one on one date she gets sent a wedding dress and these thirsty bitches are soooo jealous. She meets him at a chapel and he pretends to propose to her, which is supposed to be cute except you can see on her face that home girl is TRIPPING OUT about it and def DOES NOT want to marry Ben. Look at her eyes. Sheer terror.

For their date Ben officiates weddings, and as I watch all of these adorable, normal couples get married I just keep smoking more and more weed and thinking to myself wow, I am going to be SO HAPPY on my wedding day. (I also ate four tacos during this time. I lead a rich life.)

Back at the hotel, I can’t tell if the girls are starting to get tired of all this bullshit or not.

We think there’s a rose ceremony soon but hot damn, Ben wants to go on a 2-on-1 date with the TWINS!! This is crazy. I get it, they share a car, have the same job… it’s a little creeps and he’s got to pick one. (Now I am wondering what their actual job is, since under the employment section all it says is, “Twin.”)

He goes to their house, which is full of overweight dachshunds and photos of Haley’s ex-boyfriend. Subsequently, Haley is gone.

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony and I’m wondering how many goddamn cocktail dresses these girls have to bring on this show. So many dresses!! Olivia has another conversation with Ben where he stares blankly at her, having no idea what she’s talking about. He then talks to Jubilee and she is the fucking best. She is a bad bitch and I love her for it.

Olivia isn’t worried about not getting a rose because, “I read a lot of romance novels where things just come together.” Of course she reads romance novels. Of course.

Rachel (“Who?” –You) and Amber get kicked off and Amber is fucking mad about it. As soon as she starts walking away I say to my boyfriend, “She is so ready to take those heels off-” And as soon as the words leave my mouth she takes those damn heels off. Girls, amiright? We get each other.

Next week we’re off to Mexico, where Olivia tells Amanda she’s like a bad episode of Teen Mom or something? Not sure. Gonna be weird.

Check out more of my recaps here.

who is sam jarvis

I don't know, do you?! I'm scared.

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