The Bachelor Women Tell All Recap: “It’s Hard To Watch It Back.”

March 8, 2016March 8, 20161 Comment

You know when you break up with 26 people, and then they all sit in a room together with a shit ton of fake eyelashes on and talk about you? BEN GETS ME.

We kick off the Women Tell All (alternate title: Women Are Mad!) with Ben and Chris hitting up some Bachelor Nation viewing parties. They just walk in the front door of people’s houses as if nobody in the entire country locks their fucking doors at night. Lock your doors, people!

There are a couple things to take from this beautiful adventure Chris and Ben are on together. First, one of these houses has 40 girls in it. FORTY GIRLS! If I lined up all my girlfriends, including my best friend when I was 3 (Paige from Apple School), there would be like, twelve people. Quality over quantity, aight? Look at all these betches:

The second thing to take from it is the cake with Chris Harrison’s face on it that says, “Hare for the right reasons.” I honestly have no fucking idea what this cake is about. Easter hasn’t even HAPPENED yet. Is it a play on the name hare-ison? This is absolute crazytown.

At the Tell All, I assume Ben is chilling backstage eating veggie dip and/or a hummus platter from craft services while Chris introduces all the women scorned. They start going through them and it’s like who are these people?! So many girls I totally forgot about and a few I am positive I have never seen before in my life.

Chris plays footage of the DRAMA and we cover all the bases: Lace, Jubilee, Leah, Olivia. Remember Lace? (“How could I forget her when she haunts my dreams at night.” -You)

We get into it with Leah and by we I mean Chris Harrison straight up turns to her and goes, “Leah, what happened with you?” and the crowd BOOS HER.

Don’t roll on Lauren B, girl! Don’t. Roll. On. Lauren. B. Leah doesn’t think her PRIVATE (FILMED and MIC-ED) conversation should be discussed among the girls even though I have discussed it among MY girls, and I don’t know any of these people personally, professionally, or otherwise.

Leah’s not looking good in this but it’s Jamie who’s really shitting the bed. She is talking like, way too much. You weren’t there, Jamie! Nobody remembers you, JAMIE. However Jamie’s blabbering is a nice segue* into the Jubilee conversation.

*UMM DID YOU KNOW THIS IS HOW YOU SPELL THE WORD SEGWAY?? WHAT THE FUCK.

Amber and Jamie are mad at Jubilee because she kept saying how she was the only full black girl on the show. Chris Harrison’s white ass is like hmm I’m going to chill by these very nice flameless candles and let you guys work it out. Not touching this topic with a 5 million foot pole. (“Siri, remind me to google full black girl definition later” -Chris whispering into his phone)

After Jamie repeats herself 70 fucking times Leah literally turns to her and is like, “Get over it” which I believe is her subtle way of clapping back at Jamie for her earlier bullshit.

Jubilee apologizes for anything that offended them, because she’s a badass bitch and girl can step up when she needs to. I always liked that knucklehead. It’s time for Jubilee to sit with Chris and it’s here I remember these girls have to relive their entire fucking journey in a video package before Chris forces them to talk about it. This is the exact face I would make if I had to watch a highlight reel of my past relationships:

Neat footage, fuckers. However Jubilee is still a little sads about how it went down, as evident by this single tear:

It’s Lace’s turn in the hot seat, and I am officially buried under my throw blanket, head poking out as if I just heard the loudest clap of thunder while home alone because my parents are out at the boat gambling. In short: I am scared. Lace is so fucking happy to watch herself cry. She thinks her own heartbreak is HILARIOUS:

This is of course the sign of a serial killer. BUT, the one thing she learned from being on the show was to be aware of her facial expressions. This makes me smile. There is a 100% chance I would totally change everything about my expressions after watching myself on a reality show. Has Olivia opened her mouth once since this circus of an evening started? No. No she hasn’t.

Now some guy interrupts them to show us a tattoo of Lace’s face on his body and Chris Harrison wants us to think this was a totally random occurrence even though he is the only god damn man in the ENTIRE audience.

Lace is officially invited to Bachelor in Paradise, coming this summer to ABC!™, and I cannot wait. Sure, the bachelor’s more magical. But Bachelor in Paradise is more sunburn-y, which honestly might be better.

Olivia is up, which means all the girls are cracking their knuckles, ready to actually murder this bitch if she calls herself Olivia Higgins. This is where things start to get squirrely. 1) Amanda has no voice, which is not the worst news in the world since her voice drives me un poco loco. 2) Olivia is going to be in DOUBLE TROUBLE with the twins tonight. 3) Who the FUCK is Izzy.

Olivia makes some great points here. Sure, she stole him away first at cocktail parties, but these catty bitches made fun of her breath and her toes and her breasts! Yas, girl. Speak on it. She says she was bullied as a kid and some random girl who I think is named Jennifer goes, “Well if you were bullied as a kid, wouldn’t you learn to change your behavior?” NOTICE TO ALL CHILDREN: THIS IS BAT SHIT CRAZY. Pret-ty sure that’s not how bullying works, ya piece of shit.

Basically any plan of vengeance against Olivia has backfired completely, because every time someone I don’t recognize yells at her all I can think is WHO ARE YOU. Were you ON the show or are you like, a lighting woman yelling at Olivia? Also I fucking hate the twins and want them to, in Leah’s words, get over it.

Olivia says she’s sowwy, guys. Not a single betch apologizes to her for ripping apart her body on national television, so that’s nice. Way to keep it classy, ladies.

Caila sits with Chris and has to watch her breakup with Ben, which when you think about it happened very recently. She misses him, and Lauren H. obviously feels all of the feels about it:

It’s time for Ben to face his outer demons (yup, I just called them that) and I bet he’s sweating through his suit. Chris also mentions that because Ben said I love you to two women, he’s already Fucked with a capital F.

The girls get to ask him “closure questions” and Jubilee needs to know why when he dumped her he didn’t give her another chance like how he gave Caila or JoJo anther chance when they weren’t opening up? That might not have been what she was asking but she said SO MANY WORDS before she got to an actual question that Ben and my eyes are completely glazed over.

It’s Amanda’s turn and she’s just like Ben, you’re great, keep doin you, pal. It is so silly and fabulous. Chris asks if Ben can tell the twins apart and I am THE MOST sad when he gets them right. I would call up Time Warner and let them charge me $29.99 to watch him get that wrong.

We’re onto the blooper reel, and I am giggling through this entire thing. Who doesn’t love a blooper reel? All I want to do for the rest of my life is watch people swat at bugs and trip down stairs. They also show Becca in the middle of a serious conversation where she calls Ben Chris, as in Chris Soules from last season. HA! Finally a non-boring moment from Becca.

Chris Harrison sums up the night by saying how much America has loved Ben and how he’s, “on the Rushmore” as far as top bachelor dudes go and it’s like Jesus, Chris, suck his dick already.

We get a preview of next week’s finale, and here is what Ben’s mom thinks about all this in-love-with-two-women drama:

Tune in next Monday for the THREE HOUR live event (my bedtime is going to get completely blown out of the water). Here’s what I’ll be doing as I watch… stuffing my god damn face:

Read last week’s fantasy suite recap here.

Check out more of my recaps here.

The Bachelor Recap: “Whose Weave Is This?”

February 2, 2016February 10, 2016Leave a comment

What’s the quote from Zoolander, “If you pull the thread, the whole thing will unravel?” That applies here.

The girls get to Mexico and Olivia is thrilled because 1) there is no doubt in her mind that she loves Ben and 2) there is a bidet in her bathroom.

Amanda gets the first date card, which doesn’t make sense to Olivia because Amanda has kids and Olivia is pretty sure Ben doesn’t want Amanda’s kids. OLIVIA MOTHER FUCKING HIGGINS knows everything about her husband, okay?

Ben wakes the girls up at 4:30 in the morning to get Amanda for their date, and I know immediately that they’re going on a god damn hot air balloon ride because that’s the only reason anyone on The Bachelor has ever been woken up in the middle of the night.

Lauren H is ill prepared for Ben’s foyne ass, as evident by the fact that she didn’t take out her retainer or get a manicure.

Amanda and Ben go up into the sky and Ben pretends to know things about world history and it’s very LOL.

Even though Amanda had a bad marriage and says the word like a lot, she gets a rose.

On the group date they’re going to cook and also act like complete psychos on national television. Jubilee immediately starts busting Ben’s balls and it was cute at first but now it’s like girl, no. If there’s one thing guys don’t like, it’s being emasculated in front of all ten of their girlfriends.

Olivia grabs Ben to be her partner for this cook off and the girls are IRRITATED about it. But you know what they say, early bird gets the D. She thinks they have “electri-citAY” and says things like, “Ben and I are on a high right now.” If Ben heard that I bet he’d be like bitch, don’t speak for me.

We cut to commercial, aka the most RANDOM Bachelor-themed McDonalds ad of all time where Catherine feeds Sean Lowe French fries and Chris Soules whispers sweet nothings into Ben’s ear. It is SO FUCKING WEIRD. But jokes on me, I’ve had a few cocktails this evening and now that you mention it, McDonalds sounds absolutely delicious.

Back on the date the girls are still muy salado (translation: salty as shit) about Olivia being Ben’s partner so they talk about Olivia’s bad breath again. Emily hypothesizes that this is why Ben took Olivia to eat mint leaves and I have to say, that is sound fucking logic. That sly shit is exactly the type of genius I would pull on a date with someone suffering from severe halitosis.

Also Ben has made out with SO MANY GIRLS on this date. Look at all these girls:

Jubilee finally gets to talk to Ben after giving off a full day of FUCK YOU!!! vibes. As soon as she stands up I say quietly to myself, “Be nice, Jubilee. Be nice.”

She talks about how she isn’t the Lauren Bs or the Beccas or the JoJos and she’s suddenly given me three incredible names for a girl band. (“Everybody give it up for The Beccas!!!!!” Crowd goes wild.)

Turns out Jubilee is a bit too complicated for Ben’s ass, so he’s got to send her home. This is the first real DUMP of the show and I have to say realizing that there are nine more to go gives me a tingling in my toes like I just shot up heroin. So exciting!! (…And addictive and I might be going down a bad road.)

Olivia gets the rose on the date and Ben basically has to pick everyone’s lipsticked mouths off the floor because they are as shocked as I am.

Also Lauren H gets the final date card and seems to be pleased with herself.

According to Ben they’re going to engross themselves in fashion and she is so excited about it she says, “Holy shoot!” That is the actual phrase she says, out loud.

She walks the runway at Mexico City’s fashion week and ya know what, Imma give her credit because if my dopey ass walked down a runway with actual models it would be BLATANTLY OBVIOUS which one of us was the normie in the group.

It’s time for the rose ceremony, except my DVR is getting suspiciously close to the end of the recording and I know some bullshit is about to go down right now.

Here are a couple things that happen right away: Ben promises JoJo he won’t blindside her (100% chance he will) and Lauren B tells him she could see a life with him. Like a life, life. A life life life life life.

And finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Amanda talks to the girls about her custody schedule and Olivia flat out says, “I feel like it’s an episode of Teen Mom.”

UMM…

At this point my eyes are so wide I have to make sure they’re going to stay inside my skull. Amanda goes, “Excuse me?” and Olivia REPEATS HERSELF as if Amanda was being serious and didn’t fucking hear her. Olivia says AGAIN, “It’s like an episode of Teen Mom. You know, that show…”

I’m not entirely sure why, but this makes Emily cry. Hard. She’s very emotional about it.

She talks to Ben and is like, girl needs to GO.

So now all the girls roll on her. One by one they are like yeahhhh, Olivia is a fucking bitch and we hate her. Just ratting her out like you knew they would. In the final minute, Ben asks to talk to Olivia and here are their faces as he does that:

Amanda knows what’s up, because just before a big TO BE CONTINUED pops up on the screen she goes, “I think she’s going home.”

Rose or not, I’m bettin’ serious ca$h that it’s time to say goodbye to Olivia. Next week.

Check out more of my recaps here.

The Bachelor Recap: “It’s Either Good News, Or Bad News.”

January 19, 2016January 19, 2016Leave a comment

Me: “What is, girls are mean?”

Alex Trebek: “Ah I’m sorry, we were looking for, complete bitches.”

I’ve always said that putting your best foot forward involves trashing Olivia. I’ve ALWAYS said that. We kick off with girls sitting on chaise loungers wondering why, HOW, Ben likes her. If you ladies at home are wondering the same thing, go ahead and ask your boyfriend (who you’ve tied to the couch and forced to watch this). He’ll tell you. She’s fucking hot.

Lauren B. gets the first date card, prompting one of the girls to explain that the highlight of her day is, “those glimpses that I get to see him, before he takes other women on dates.” Yes, good. This is normal.

Lauren goes on the date and their first order of business is to get in some tiny-ass prop plane to do tricks and shit. Um, no thank you. If you’ve been reading my recaps since the dawn of time (summer-ish) you will know that Sam Jarvis DOES NOT FUCK WITH SINGLE PROPELLOR PLANES. My palms sweat in business class three white wines in, let alone in a tin can Harrison Ford’s probably already crashed.

They fly to a hot tub in the middle of nowhere, which seems cute but he was JUST in a hot tub with Caila, so something about this gives me the ewws. Also is there some sort of generator out of frame? What’s powering this thing? (I’m 100 years old.) Anyway Lauren B is officially adorable and they would make very cute, very white babies together.

Back at the mansion the girls are like, not having a great time. I can’t imagine why spending days trapped in a house with people you fucking hate would be terrible, but I guess it is! The group date card arrives and everybody’s names are on it except Becca, JoJo and Jubilee, so Jubilee knows shit ain’t in the cards for her.

The group date is all about soccer, and Lace doesn’t know goalies can pick the ball up with their hands so the other team scores. This immediately gives me flashbacks to my AYSO days when once a season they’d force me to be goalie and I was so nervous I thought I was going to shit my pants for the entire hour.

While waiting to talk to Ben during cocktail hour one of the girls is like, “I don’t want to sit on a couch and sip on my water” which is the REALEST fucking thing I have ever heard anyone say about their time on The Bachelor. That is 96% of what their lives are.

But while they sit and sip, they of course have to talk about Olivia again and as the words pour out of their bitch mouths I am shoving more and more seaweed snacks into my face. This is good TV, guys. They not only say that Olivia has bad toes, but also that she has fake boobs and BAD BREATH.

Jami finally speaks this episode and she should’ve started with, “I’m Jami and I’m a fucking snitch.” She IMMEDIATELY tells Olivia what they said and it’s like wow, you are not allowed in my drug ring, you are a rat. Olivia asks what body part they made fun of and right away guesses her calves, which made me go HA! Very loudly and scare my sleeping boyfriend. She goes on to say, “Am I aggressive? Yeah. Do I have bad toes? Yeah” and suddenly I’m like you alright, Olivia. You alright.

Except then she starts talking about how Ben “pushed off her leg,” which to her meant they are now talking in secret code and I want to grab her by the shoulders, look her in the eyes and say Olivia, sweetheart, you’re a fucking psycho.

In a TWIST!!!!!! Jubilee gets the final date card, but has literally zero chill and starts acting like a crazed cat climbing up a curtain. She is being SO AWKWARD, which is apparently what one of the girls calls “awko-taco” and whoever the hell just said that should pack up their shit and go.

Jubilee is afraid of heights and is already acting a fool, but has to get in a helicopter anyway. Out of nervousness she jokes, “Does anyone want to go on my date??” WELL. LET ME TELL YOU. This does NOT sit well with the ladies, nooooo siree. They’re super pissed because “Ben planned an amazing date” which is a laugh out loud statement and I can’t believe these grown ass women STILL think that Ben is planning these dates! You think he’s sitting in a production meeting like, “Guys, I want to take Jubilee on a helicopter ride to this one really cute spa I know of.” Um, no. Not how this works at all.

Jubilee’s still being kind of squirrely and spitting out food she thinks is horrible, but then she tells Ben that she’s obsessed with hot dogs and suddenly I’m like girl, maybe we are more alike than I thought!! Ben is just happy he can finally see what a normal day would be like with her, because this is a totally normal day:

Jubilee opens up and explains that her entire family died in Haiti except her. Well, shit. She’s officially lived ten thousand more lives than any of these betches in the house who think “Ben wants a soccer mom.” (Sure, Lauren H. Guy’s dicks get hard thinking of boring ass soccer moms with THICK MIDWESTERN ACCENTS. That’s a thing.)

At the rose ceremony, somber Ben announces that his family friends died in a plane crash, so Olivia immediately steals him away to clear up this calves/toes business. She says it’s really hard and starts crying. (Pret-ty fucking sure an editor got THREE gold stars for making it look like the crying is about the cankles and not the plane crash. Well done.)

Jubilee gives him a massage and Amber is like oh hell no. She wants to talk to her but Jubilee is NOT HAVING IT. She doesn’t want a fucking girl chat, okay Amber? You’re being a mean girl and it is NOT a good look. You know who agrees with me? Ben. He shoots Amber’s ass down so fast she’s like wait, what? If I were in that house and the girls wanted to “have a talk” I’d be like yeah, no. I’m gonna keep eating this slice of pie hovering over the kitchen sink (I eat my feelings).

In a great final show button, Lace is outtie. She just can’t deal anymore and starts quoting her tattoo. She knew her ass was getting the boot and wanted to get out ahead of it! Gotta respect that.

Olivia is freaking the FUCK out about how there is only one rose left and she doesn’t have one yet. He had to punish her for talking about her damn calves while he was mourning the deaths of his friends, ya know? She gets the final rose, and then revisits this “secret communication” business. She says that when they hugged he squeezed her waist and she took that to mean, and I quote, “He can’t give me everything all the time and he knows I can handle that.” Or, ya know, he hugged you. Either one.

We’re in Vegas next week, so you know what that means!! …Wait I don’t know what that means. If you do, can you inbox me? Perf.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

who is sam jarvis

I don't know, do you?! I'm scared.

Tag: jubilee

The Bachelor Women Tell All Recap: “It’s Hard To Watch It Back.”

The Bachelor Recap: “Whose Weave Is This?”

The Bachelor Recap: “It’s Either Good News, Or Bad News.”