The Bachelorette Recap: “If You Were Making A Protein Shake…”

upset bachelors 2

Look I’m going to be honest, I really shit the bed on this one. My rosé drunk, long-weekend ass didn’t realize this shit wasn’t recording until 8:09, so we’re gonna have to jump right into the action. My bad, y’all. My bad.

I turn on the TV in sheer panic/blind rage, only to find Chad the Villain lifting a DIY luggage weight belt like some kind of deranged lunatic who’s been held in administrative segregation too long. (You guys watch Lockup? You should. It’s great.)

chad workout luggage muscles

Also a bunch of bros are on a group date at a fire station, including Grant the actual fire fighter. No pressure, dude, but if you fuck this up you’re going to be the laughing stock of your entire station. Even the Dalmatian I assume every fire department has is going to be chuckling his spotted doggy face off.

Wells is on the date and he is like, NOT equipped to be a fire fighter. He looks like he should be sipping Perrier on a fucking sailboat, not running through actual flames to save lives. Or as he describes himself, “I’m so much not like everyone else here.”

Gorgeous sentence. He should be a writer.

Wells is suddenly paler than Emma Stone’s upper thigh so I know he’s about to faint. Jojo comes to his aid and now everyone wishes THEY were about to faint. Guys, calm down. Do you really think she wants to fuck a guy who gets light headed after five minutes in a slightly heavy jacket? Negative.

wells faint fire fighter bachelorette

Back at the mansion the rest of the guys write a song about Jojo called, wait for it, Jojo. Sounds like a hit, get Rihanna on the hook and send that shit to Seacrest.

They’re also hanging out in a kitchen that has so much god damn food I am FREAKING. OUT. Look at all this produce!!

bachelor mansion

I mean, my God. How many bell peppers can twenty men need? If you’re a Borrower (a tiny human living in the walls of a house, duh), this is the kitchen you wanna be in.

On the group date it’s down to Grant the fire fighter and Luke the cowboy, in an epic race to save Jojo from a burning building to win more time with her. Obviously Grant is going to crush it because if he doesn’t he will probably leap off the building. But Luke, I gotta say, is a big ol’ bag of yum in the process.

luke bachelorette hot cowboy

Even after Grant wins, Fainty Wells gets the rose. But you know what he doesn’t get? A kiss because LIKE I SAID, there is nothing sexy about weakness and girl is all about the two men who made it to the final challenge like god damn men.

grant jojo kiss bachelorettejojo luke kiss bachelorette

It’s time for her one-on-one date with Derek, and all the dudes are forced to watch them leave in what must be the most emasculating send off of their lives.

send off bachelorette

“Bye Jojo, have fun! Bye Derek, hope you fall off a cliff and break every bone in your body!”

Their date is going to be all about CHOICES, and of course the first thing they do is get on a prop plane. Hi, remember me, Sam Jarvis? The hilarious bitch who HATES PROP PLANES??

bachelorette prop plane date

Like, no. NO. No. Here’s a choice: go fuck yourself. I’m never getting on a prop plane.

Back at the house, Canadian Daniel and Chad the Villain are having a very important meeting for their Black Tank Top Club.

back tank top club bachelorette

Chad thinks everyone is an ingenuine piece of shit, which he explains with the most confusing, absurd protein shake analogy I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Yo, what the FUCK are you talking about? It’s here I realize that Chad is a muscle-obsessed douchenoodle. At first I thought he was just your average bad boy with a chiseled jaw, but the second I piece together luggage weight belts and protein shake analogies it’s like fuck, I am OUT.

On their one-on-one Derek gets choked up talking about his last relationship, which ended three years ago. Dude is like, straight up crying and I immediately think he’s about to say that his high school sweetheart was crushed to death in a tractor accident. Nope, she just cheated on him. Um, yawn. Big fuckin’ deal! Why don’t you cry about it OH WAIT YOU ALREADY ARE.

derek jojo bachelorette date

On the second group date they go to ESPN and play a little game called BachelorNation. I personally wish they’d gone to ESPN Zone for some pop-a-shot, but you can’t win them all. They have to do touchdown dances, someone refers to Jojo as “merchandise,” and everybody has to fake propose to her. Basically, shit is awkward as FUCK.

Chad knows it’s awkward as fuck, and won’t tell her why he loves her because spoiler alert, he doesn’t love her. Girl just wants to hear some good qualities about herself and he promptly calls her NAGGY. Audible gasps. Everyone: outraged. You’d think he just called her a cunt by how flabbergasted they are.

chad naggy bachelorette jojo

Chad’s in the hot seat and explains that he was just being honest. And you know what? Jojo’s bad boy lovin’ ass buys that shit faster than a pair of espadrilles at Saks Off Fifth.

Back in what I assume is the room from Top Chef where they wait to hear who got kicked off because they over salted their pork loin, Chad is starting to unravel.

angry chad bachelorette

He doesn’t get why everyone is obsessed with her and is like, “Is this the first pretty girl y’all have seen?” Chad’s fucked some hot pieces, okay? Don’t get it twisted.

They leave ESPN and go to another cocktail party, where James T. explains to Jojo that although he is not named Abs McGee, he does have a love poem to read her. She CRIES and I have to give it to him, shit was pretty adorable.

More importantly Alex picks the WRONG CHAIR TO SIT IN.

alex tiny chair bachelorette lol

Some Bachelor producer must be real fucking proud of themselves for this shit. They stood in a fancy ass production meeting like, “And we’ll have the short guy sit in this humongous chair!” Raise, benefits, matching 401k for that genius.

Chad is missing at the start of the rose ceremony and of course he’s just sittin’ on the steps of the mansion, whiskey in hand, waiting for Jojo like the start of some weird stalker movie.

chad getting some air

What was the one with Mark Wahlberg where he fingers Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster and then kills her dog? Fear? It’s like that, kind of.

All the bros are pissed about it and DEMAND. AN EXPLANATION. Chad’s all, I went out to get some air and they’re all, well did you see Jojo? And he’s all yeah I did I said ‘sup and they’re all well what ELSE did you say? It is the dumbest exchange I’ve ever seen and every single one of these guys could benefit from taking a fucking Xanax.

And now for a segment I like to call Chad and His Meats. Chad eats tons and tons of deli meat during this party and I am suddenly starting to think it is possible that Chad is my soulmate.

chad villain deli meat fire bachelorettechad deli meat bachelorette

Maybe that’s really all I need in life and it doesn’t matter if my partner is a complete psycho with serious anger issues, so long as I have someone to sit and eat honey maple turkey with, you know? Things to think about.

In reality Chad is eating all of this meat so he can beef up (LOL) for the big fight he’s about to get in. He explains to BFF Canadian Daniel that everyone here is a pussy to which Daniel responds, “a gang, ey?” Jesus Christ. (“Could he BE any more Canadian?” –Chandler Bing)

Chad keeps cutting into everyone’s time with Jojo and Alex is OVER IT and somehow thinks he can take him. He wants to punch him in the face, which is hilarious because if he swung for Chad’s face I think his fist would land somewhere mid-chest. Chad is 6’4’’, buddy. That is one tall drink of toxic water and he will pound your face in.

Chad gets up in Alex’s grill and goes, “Keep it up and you’re going to lose your teeth.” I am now rubbing my hands together and chuckling, gleefully sipping my vanilla milkshake as I turn up the volume on my TV. Now we’re getting into it!!

Chad gets the final rose and everybody is shocked, JUST SHOCKED, even though he has the best body in the house so really they should be the exact opposite of shocked.

Next week Chad beats the fuck out of somebody, I think. Tune in!

Also, here’s Christian’s dick:

bachelorette christian dick

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The Bachelorette Premiere: “Bring On The Men”

saint nick christmas bachelorette

Guys I’m going to be honest with you IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BACK. Not as good as like, eating a chocolate lava cake, but still pretty lovely.

We kick off this season of debauchery with a friendly reminder that Ben took Jojo’s heart, put it on a pedestal, took it OFF that pedestal, and then stomped on it. He smashed that shit into a million pieces like it was a glass at a Jewish wedding. Mazel tov!

It is super fun to relive how Ben told her he loved her, looked her dead in the eyes and said, “I promise you won’t be blindsided,” only to blindside the FUCK out of her ass. But now she’s feeling better and most importantly HOPEFUL, even though I feel like the only thing she should be feeling is hungry since she definitely hasn’t eaten since January.

jojo bachelorette body

Great bod though. Great bod. She gets advice from basic bitches AHEM I mean FORMER BACHELORETTES Desiree, Ali, and Kaitlyn. Look I liked Kaitlyn, I really did, but seeing her sit next to Jojo makes me feel like somebody should just pull Jojo aside and be like girl, you don’t need advice from 7s. (Hey man, it is what it is.)

But you know what I’m ready to see? Some dudes. Chris Harrison’s ready to see some dick too, as evident by his classic Chris Harrison gesticulations.

chris harrison bachelorette premiere

First up is firefighter Grant, and my immediate thought is oh my God, I hope these guys don’t all have professions that double as Chippendales characters. I’m sure Grant is very nice but he is being a little aggressive with his sexy pose and it’s making me uncomfortable.

grant fire fighter bachelorette

Next up is Aaron Roger’s brother, who I will now and forever refer to as Aaron Roger’s Brother. Dude’s foyne, I’ll give him that. The hair is too SWISHED for me but at least he’s in Jojo’s league. We also meet a short marine and I can barely pay attention because honestly I am so fucking distracted by THIS AWESOME ASS DOG.

dog alex bachelorette

Like, holy shit, that dog is amazing. Is it his dog? Is its name Velcro? I need more information.

We meet a superfan whose face looks like it’s made out of clay and it’s like, Bachelor superfan is not a job, James S. from Phoenix, Arizona.

bachelor super fan james bachelorette

There’s also a dick doctor, a bartender from Santa Monica, and some guy who wakes up at 3:30 in the fucking morning to work out. Um, no thank you. Unless you have the body and philanthropic kindness of The Rock, I am not into that shit. The last thing I need is to feel like a lazy asshole for waking up at 8:30 on a Saturday. That is an ACCOMPLISHMENT and nobody can take that away from me. NOBODY.

Anyway so it’s time for these dudez to get out of some mothafuckin limos, AMIRIGHT? As each one gets out and greets her my friend Jordan and I nestle into the couch to discuss which ones look tall. There are of course gimmicks and awkward moments, including one guy who “drops” his notecards, which does nothing but points out how soaking wet the Bachelor producers keep the pavement outside of the mansion.

wet pavement

I get that it looks magical but it’s like guys, c’mon. We are in a fucking drought out here and you’re hosing off the pavement so the moon will glisten off it? Leo DiCaprio’s environmental ass would NOT BE PLEASED!

We’re now moving into looney tunes territory as we meet a half Scottish dude in a kilt, somebody in a full on Santa suit, and a guy who looks like a Bar Mitzvah magician and thinks being Canadian is somehow a job.

daniel canadian bachelorette

You can thank my couchmate Jordan for the Bar Mitzvah joke.

Guys, I’m gonna be straight with you. The only thing that’s attractive is when they come out of the limo in a nice fucking suit. Don’t give me stress balls and tell me to squeeze them, don’t wear weird pocket squares and a tie with a knot that is way too wide. A NICE SUIT, and I swear to God I will think about fucking you. That’s all it takes.

As we meet all these weirdos, it’s suddenly clear we’ve got a villain on our hands. Chad, Chad, Chad, you salty motherfucker. He is hating on everybody and thinks he is seriously hot shit which is funny because he seems more like room temperature shit to me. Gooey, room temperature dog shit. Anyway here’s how Jojo’s doing:

jojo wine bottle chug

At the cocktail party she wishes they weren’t all so nervous and it’s like bitch, they’ve been waiting months for this and now there are fifty billion cameras in their face AND your giant amazing boob job. I’m sure it’s slightly overwhelming.

One of the guys makes her kiss him by playing a dumb fucking paper child’s game and the first thing out of her mouth after they kiss is, “Maybe that will get better.” Off to a great start, dude! Something to write home about.

Aaron Roger’s Brother decides that like Ray Finkle before him, dude fuckin choked and should maybe go back and kiss her. She is VERY into it because 1) he has a nice butt and 2) because I’m 100% positive producers told her long ago that he is related to a famous person and she has already picked out their china pattern.

jojo jordan rogers kiss bachelorette

Villain Chad whisks her away to talk and immediately says, “Normally girls are so worried about themselves” and it’s like BRO, eat a dick. If some guy wanted to date me and his opening line was “girls have no self esteem” I’d probably be like cool story, I’m going to go home and order pizza like the badass bitch I am.

Canadian Daniel tries to explain the Damn, Daniel meme to Jojo and it is what the internet trolls would call an epic fail. He then touches another man’s belly button and everybody hates him and makes fun of his short ass tie, which now that you mention it does make me giggle.

And now, the parade of the drunks. Daniel takes his clothes off and random dudes start sitting in on Jojo’s one-on-one interviews with the producers. It is, in a word, crazytown.

daniel canadian naked
drunk guy jojo bachelorette

Aaron Roger’s Brother gets the first impression rose even though she’s also drooling over every guy from Texas. But wait, another limo!! I am freaking the fuck out, 100% positive J.J. from Bachelor In Paradise is about to walk out of that fancy super long car.

surprise limo bachelorette

Turns out it’s Jake Pavelka, former Bachelor/boring person not to be confused with Jessie Pavelka, trainer/bad Chinese symbol tattoo-haver of Biggest Loser. Anyway Jake gives her advice like “don’t put up walls” and all I keep thinking over and over is oh my God, you are a loser.

She starts giving out roses and it’s like, so many god damn roses. They keep cutting away as she puts them on their lapels because you know it’s taking her ten thousand years to pin each one on these fools. Vinny hasn’t gotten one yet and is NOT THRILLED.

vinny bachelorette angry face

You know who IS thrilled to get one? The dick doctor. Look at this goofy ass grin:

got a rose happy

The final rose goes to crazy Canadian Daniel because the producers were like girl, you HAVE TO give him a rose. That is obviously the only explanation. The rest of them go home and are experiencing all the sads, although I think going out to a nice breakfast together would cheer them up since it is literally so fucking light outside that they have probably already missed the early bird special at Denny’s. It’s like 9 o’clock in the morning at this point.

light out bachelorette

We get a sneak peak of the rest of the season and shit is about to POP. OFF. Chad the Villain is like, actually punching people and threatening their lives while Aaron Roger’s Brother is pressing Jojo up against walls to make out with her. Seems like one way or another, errbody’s going to Poundtown.

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The Bachelor Finale Recap: “I’m A Lost Man Right Now.”

losing my mind

Well, shit. We made it to the end and like any great fairytale, I find myself wine drunk and full of meatballs, tearfully begging someone to READ. IT. AGAIN.

Chris Harrison immediately teases us with the possibility of a live wedding on After The Final Rose, which is 100% the only way he’s going to get me to stay up that late.

chris harrison bachelor finale after the rose

Honestly they should’ve started this 3 hour shit show a little earlier in the day ‘cause real talk I am already sleepy. But EXCITED! Anyway he teases this wedding and Ben’s PASTOR is here. I suddenly hear myself go, “What the fuck is going on,” which is literally what I say about every single thing in life that has anything to do with religion.

Back in Jamaica both of the girls are wearing cutoff shorts 24 hours a day (I assume they have molded to their bodies at this point) and Ben says that his head is a mess. No shade, but I feel like Ben’s head isn’t usually terribly organized anyway.

He talks to his parents and his mom refers to them as “Lauren “ and the “other girl,” in case you wanted to know where she stands on this. Lauren meets his parents and literally holds his mom’s hand while they talk.

lauren bens mom hold hands

Is it VERY STRANGE LOOKING and my hands would get so fucking clammy you’d need one of those tiny forks to pry them open (wow, bad joke). Lauren like, really wants to be part of the Higgins family. #NeverForget that Lauren wants a life with him. Like, a life life life.

lauren ben noses

Jojo meets his parents the next day and brings them a conch shell with flowers in it. Not my favorite choice, but she’s basically been at sea for a month so I’ll let it slide.

Ben tells his folks about all of their moments. About how they had a date here, a date there, how she laid her head on his shoulder and they talked. I cannot IMAGINE saying that shit to my parents. “Hey mom I really like this guy, I put my head on his shoulder and we talked.” My mom would be like Sam get a fucking LIFE!

Jojo asks Ben if he’s ready to get married at the end of this and he says yes while SHAKING HIS HEAD NO. He’s a 26-year-old smokeshow, so I don’t see why he is even pretending he wants to get married at all. Give it ten years, buddy! There is so much pussy to be had.

jojo ben talk bachelor finale

His parents smell the huge mound of shit Ben currently stands in so his dad goes, “Unfortunately you can’t propose to two different ladies,” which I would only say if Ben were 85 and in a nursing home trying to decide between Esther and Mary Jo. Ladies?? They aren’t old maids, DAD.

Ben is really starting to freak the fuck out. As is his mom. She cries and is like, super worried about who he’s going to choose because it’s SUCH a big decision and I’m starting to wonder if she thinks he is contractually obligated to marry the one he chooses? This is a television show, Amy. It’s not AS big of a deal as you think it is.

We keep checking back with Chris Harrison but really we keep checking in on Ben’s god damn pastor, who stands in the wings of the studio reading a Bible. Look I don’t care if you’re a pastor: when you get flown to LA to be on television, I would think you’d rather count all the lights on stage or try to identify which people milling about are the executive producers, than reread a book you’ve read a million fucking times.

ben's pastor after the finale rose finale

Lauren and Ben have their final date, where they lie on a boat together and talk.
I would be SO BARFY on this date I can’t even tell you. Yeah sure, let’s drop anchor and just chat about our love together while we sway up, and down… up and down… up and down. I could throw up thinking about it.

lauren ben boat finale bachelor

I am however totally into the fact that Ben is mentally losing his shit. GOOD. Do you know how many bachelors have just super casually dumped somebody without suffering any devastating inner turmoil? Basically Ben could use a fucking Xanax.

He def wants to explain this whole “I also said I love you to Jojo” business, but all he can get out is the phrase “No matter what happens…” which is the #1 thing someone in Lauren’s position does NOT want to hear. Look how not happy she is hearing that:

lauren no matter what happens bachelor

Ya. But thankfully we cut back to BEN’S PASTOR again just to remind everybody that “No matter what happens” some crazy shit is gonna go down in this finale. (I think I hate Ben’s pastor.)

The first thing Ben says when he sees Jojo for their date is that he is going to pray for clarity. How about you just search through that junk drawer of a brain and figure this shit out yourself, dude. Also I want to pray for some Claritin, because my eyes are itchy as FUCK right now. Jesus. Allergy season AMIRIGHT GUYS?!

He and Jojo make out in front of a waterfall because really that’s what they do best.

waterfall makeout bachelor

She asks if he feels good and Ben being Ben goes, “Um.” Nice try, but girl is NOT going to let you off that easy. He SQUIRMS as Jojo asks why he feels so confused and where they’re going to live after the show wraps and all I can think about is how I bet Ben has had a stomach ache for the past week and a half. I would go through so many fucking Tums on this show.

jojo ben hug bachelor finale

The main thing to take away from every conversation Jojo has with anybody is that she and Ben are best friends. Then buy each other these adorable avocado bestie necklaces and move on! This is a show about LOVE, not about who you can laugh with as you rip a huge fart.

Jojo needs a sign. SOMETHING to know that he’s going to pick her and she doesn’t fucking get one because he’s not gonna fucking pick her. She asks him the REAL REAL as they sit on a bathroom floor off camera and Ben finally cracks.

love her tooIMG_8457

She is like, mega sads and feels FOOLISH, okay Ben? Foolish. Back at the live show Chris Harrison says the word dramatic for the 8th or 10,000,000th time tonight. We get it, it’s dramatic! I didn’t expect this finale to be a fucking snoozefest, bro. It’s about the exact level of drama I was anticipating.

Neil Lane asks Ben if he knows who he’s, ya know, PICKING OUT AN ENGAGEMENT RING FOR and Ben looks pret-ty unsure about it.

ben talks neil lane finale bachelor

But in true Bachelor fashion all of a fuckin-sudden he totally knows and surprise! This hasn’t been as confusing for him as we thought. He loves somebody more, plain and simple. Now for the moment of truth.

Jojo and her bad dress come out of the helicopter first and all I can say as I pour the last of my red wine into my glass is, “Oh girl.” Her heart is about to be curb stomped.

jojo dress bachelor finale

She gives him a long speech about their future together and I’m starting to wonder just how sadistic ABC is, because I want to die right now. He says nice things to her and then twists the knife with the magic word, “But…” Here is her face as she realizes she outtie:

jojo sad

Her first reaction is basically WTF?? And then she does the most perfect thing ever which is nod her head and go, “Mhmm.” Oooooh, girl is pissed, Ben! You’ve really done it.

The bad bitch that she is, Jojo lets him have it. She is basically like fuck this NOISE and as they walk out she’s like, “I gotta go,” which is SO classic because she’s had literally nowhere to go for like, 2 months and suddenly she’s acting like her Palm Pilot is jam packed with meetings.

jojo cry leave car

Ben calls Mr. Bushnell and asks for Lauren’s hand in marriage. Is that a thing people still need to do? I get that it’s romantic but the feminist in me is like um, pretty sure you need to be askin THIS BITCH that question but OKAY.

He gets a yes from Lauren B’s dad and then does this very nerdy fist pump into the air as he lets out a big WOO??  I am covered in goose bumps because of how cringey it is. Lauren gets out of the helicopter and he tells her he wants to kiss her face. He then obviously proposes to her and it’s pretty fucking cute, I’ll give them that. Pretty cute indeed.

proposelauren ben cute proposalneil lane ring lauren ben bachelor finale

Chris Harrison immediately goes, “How good was that?” as if we just walked out of a matinee of Hamilton or some shit. The After The Final Rose special is, in a word, LONG. But I patiently wait for what I swear to God better be someone’s god damn wedding at the end of this.

They announce that Jojo is the next Bachelorette (May 23rd, y’all!), which is very exciting partially because I think she is the producer’s WET DREAM of a bachelorette but mostly because I can’t wait to walk into work in the morning and go IN YOUR FACE, FUCKERS!!!!! to everyone because I’ve been saying Lauren B was gonna win and Jojo was going to be the bachelorette for like, 7 weeks now. Oh, you thought Caila was going to be the bachelorette? That’s cute.

The wedding ends up being a god damn cock tease. There totally isn’t one and what they pretended was going to be this big build up to something was just a big build up to a RAMP DOWN. Everybody just stands around hugging for the remaining minutes of the show. Technically Ben re-proposes to Lauren but we literally JUST watched you propose to her the first time like, five minutes ago! Get your shit together, ATFR!!

Thanks for reading these recaps, kiddos. I hope you enjoyed them as much as I enjoyed WORKING MY ASS OFF to write them. I kid. It’s been fun.

ben face bachelor

Imma be recapping the shit out of Jojo’s season of The Bachelorette and season 3 of Bachelor in Paradise, so hold on to your granny panties. Patience is a virtue that I also struggle with.

In the meantime, read all my other show recaps one by one as if they are an advent calendar counting down to the premiere. (I do not provide tiny chocolates, although I fully support you eating some on your own.)

Read the Women Tell All recap here.

My recap of the fantasy suite dates can be found here.

If you’re more into hometown dates, that shit is here.

The Bachelor Women Tell All Recap: “It’s Hard To Watch It Back.”

caila bachelorette sad

You know when you break up with 26 people, and then they all sit in a room together with a shit ton of fake eyelashes on and talk about you? BEN GETS ME.

We kick off the Women Tell All (alternate title: Women Are Mad!) with Ben and Chris hitting up some Bachelor Nation viewing parties. They just walk in the front door of people’s houses as if nobody in the entire country locks their fucking doors at night. Lock your doors, people!

There are a couple things to take from this beautiful adventure Chris and Ben are on together. First, one of these houses has 40 girls in it. FORTY GIRLS! If I lined up all my girlfriends, including my best friend when I was 3 (Paige from Apple School), there would be like, twelve people. Quality over quantity, aight? Look at all these betches:

viewing party bachelor nation

The second thing to take from it is the cake with Chris Harrison’s face on it that says, “Hare for the right reasons.” I honestly have no fucking idea what this cake is about. Easter hasn’t even HAPPENED yet. Is it a play on the name hare-ison? This is absolute crazytown.

chris harrison rabbit cake wtf

At the Tell All, I assume Ben is chilling backstage eating veggie dip and/or a hummus platter from craft services while Chris introduces all the women scorned. They start going through them and it’s like who are these people?! So many girls I totally forgot about and a few I am positive I have never seen before in my life.

Chris plays footage of the DRAMA and we cover all the bases: Lace, Jubilee, Leah, Olivia. Remember Lace? (“How could I forget her when she haunts my dreams at night.” -You)

We get into it with Leah and by we I mean Chris Harrison straight up turns to her and goes, “Leah, what happened with you?” and the crowd BOOS HER.

chris harrison women tell all

Don’t roll on Lauren B, girl! Don’t. Roll. On. Lauren. B. Leah doesn’t think her PRIVATE (FILMED and MIC-ED) conversation should be discussed among the girls even though I have discussed it among MY girls, and I don’t know any of these people personally, professionally, or otherwise.

Leah’s not looking good in this but it’s Jamie who’s really shitting the bed. She is talking like, way too much. You weren’t there, Jamie! Nobody remembers you, JAMIE. However Jamie’s blabbering is a nice segue* into the Jubilee conversation.

*UMM DID YOU KNOW THIS IS HOW YOU SPELL THE WORD SEGWAY?? WHAT THE FUCK.

Amber and Jamie are mad at Jubilee because she kept saying how she was the only full black girl on the show. Chris Harrison’s white ass is like hmm I’m going to chill by these very nice flameless candles and let you guys work it out. Not touching this topic with a 5 million foot pole. (“Siri, remind me to google full black girl definition later” -Chris whispering into his phone)

amber jamie women tell all jubilee

After Jamie repeats herself 70 fucking times Leah literally turns to her and is like, “Get over it” which I believe is her subtle way of clapping back at Jamie for her earlier bullshit.

Jubilee apologizes for anything that offended them, because she’s a badass bitch and girl can step up when she needs to. I always liked that knucklehead. It’s time for Jubilee to sit with Chris and it’s here I remember these girls have to relive their entire fucking journey in a video package before Chris forces them to talk about it. This is the exact face I would make if I had to watch a highlight reel of my past relationships:

jubilee ben

Neat footage, fuckers. However Jubilee is still a little sads about how it went down, as evident by this single tear:

jubilee women tell all

It’s Lace’s turn in the hot seat, and I am officially buried under my throw blanket, head poking out as if I just heard the loudest clap of thunder while home alone because my parents are out at the boat gambling. In short: I am scared. Lace is so fucking happy to watch herself cry. She thinks her own heartbreak is HILARIOUS:

lace women tell all bachelor

This is of course the sign of a serial killer. BUT, the one thing she learned from being on the show was to be aware of her facial expressions. This makes me smile. There is a 100% chance I would totally change everything about my expressions after watching myself on a reality show. Has Olivia opened her mouth once since this circus of an evening started? No. No she hasn’t.

olivia bachelor mouth women tell all

Now some guy interrupts them to show us a tattoo of Lace’s face on his body and Chris Harrison wants us to think this was a totally random occurrence even though he is the only god damn man in the ENTIRE audience.

Lace is officially invited to Bachelor in Paradise, coming this summer to ABC!™, and I cannot wait. Sure, the bachelor’s more magical. But Bachelor in Paradise is more sunburn-y, which honestly might be better.

Olivia is up, which means all the girls are cracking their knuckles, ready to actually murder this bitch if she calls herself Olivia Higgins. This is where things start to get squirrely. 1) Amanda has no voice, which is not the worst news in the world since her voice drives me un poco loco. 2) Olivia is going to be in DOUBLE TROUBLE with the twins tonight. 3) Who the FUCK is Izzy.

izzy bachelor ben

Olivia makes some great points here. Sure, she stole him away first at cocktail parties, but these catty bitches made fun of her breath and her toes and her breasts! Yas, girl. Speak on it. She says she was bullied as a kid and some random girl who I think is named Jennifer goes, “Well if you were bullied as a kid, wouldn’t you learn to change your behavior?” NOTICE TO ALL CHILDREN: THIS IS BAT SHIT CRAZY. Pret-ty sure that’s not how bullying works, ya piece of shit.

Basically any plan of vengeance against Olivia has backfired completely, because every time someone I don’t recognize yells at her all I can think is WHO ARE YOU. Were you ON the show or are you like, a lighting woman yelling at Olivia? Also I fucking hate the twins and want them to, in Leah’s words, get over it.

girls catty

Olivia says she’s sowwy, guys. Not a single betch apologizes to her for ripping apart her body on national television, so that’s nice. Way to keep it classy, ladies.

Caila sits with Chris and has to watch her breakup with Ben, which when you think about it happened very recently. She misses him, and Lauren H. obviously feels all of the feels about it:

lauren h bachelor

It’s time for Ben to face his outer demons (yup, I just called them that) and I bet he’s sweating through his suit. Chris also mentions that because Ben said I love you to two women, he’s already Fucked with a capital F.

The girls get to ask him “closure questions” and Jubilee needs to know why when he dumped her he didn’t give her another chance like how he gave Caila or JoJo anther chance when they weren’t opening up? That might not have been what she was asking but she said SO MANY WORDS before she got to an actual question that Ben and my eyes are completely glazed over.

It’s Amanda’s turn and she’s just like Ben, you’re great, keep doin you, pal. It is so silly and fabulous. Chris asks if Ben can tell the twins apart and I am THE MOST sad when he gets them right. I would call up Time Warner and let them charge me $29.99 to watch him get that wrong.

twins women tell all

We’re onto the blooper reel, and I am giggling through this entire thing. Who doesn’t love a blooper reel? All I want to do for the rest of my life is watch people swat at bugs and trip down stairs. They also show Becca in the middle of a serious conversation where she calls Ben Chris, as in Chris Soules from last season. HA! Finally a non-boring moment from Becca.

Chris Harrison sums up the night by saying how much America has loved Ben and how he’s, “on the Rushmore” as far as top bachelor dudes go and it’s like Jesus, Chris, suck his dick already.

We get a preview of next week’s finale, and here is what Ben’s mom thinks about all this in-love-with-two-women drama:

ben higgins mom

Tune in next Monday for the THREE HOUR live event (my bedtime is going to get completely blown out of the water). Here’s what I’ll be doing as I watch… stuffing my god damn face:

bachelor pony mini horse

Read last week’s fantasy suite recap here

Check out more of my recaps here.

 

 

 

The Bachelor Recap: “We Woke Up As A Couple.”

sea turtles lauren b bachelor face date

Hope you stuffed a granola bar in your pocket, ‘cause this emotional roller coaster is about to get stuck at the top of a huge ass drop. I’m sweating already.

We’re in Jamaica for the FANTASY DATES, and Ben is doin’ a lot of thinking before he sees these women. He’s also climbing what I can only describe as a poor man’s Machu Picchu.

ben higgins climbing jamaica fantasy

Caila’s date is first and they go rafting on one of the rivers I think Ocho Rios, Jamaica is named after. (Not to brag about my education, but I happen to know that ocho rios means eight rivers.) Also, I want one of these wooden rafts with the bench (we know how much Caila loves benches), but I truly would have NOWHERE to put it in my apartment.

caila ben raft

So they’re on this date and I’m going to be honest with you, it’s a little awks. Caila is starting to freak the fuck out because there are other betches still in this thing and look, honey, when you’re right, you’re right. Ain’t no way in hell I’m cool as a cucumber when I know my man is also dating Jojo and Lauren B. Thanks for the fun dates, I’m gonna go pack my bags. It’s been a really neat journey.

caila ben awkward silence

Ben is having a great ol’ time on this fucking raft, as evident by him saying things like, “I’m a 26-year-old man who’s like a kid right now.” Not to hate, but the word man should be used verrrry loosely when talking about a 26-year-old. Men are not people who JUST started paying for their own health insurance, you feel me?

Caila says I love you and can “feel it in his breath that he feels the same.” I don’t want to feel a god damn thing in someone’s breath, not even love. I like a dude’s breath to be pure nothingness. Or whiskey.

They kiss in the water and all I can think about is how many fucking blue gels these production people are using. (A gel is a filter you throw on a light to make shit a certain color. Pret-ty high tech.) Anyway they are TOTES USING THEM HERE.

blue gels bachelor

They  take the fantasy suite key to “forego their individual rooms and spend the night together as a couple,” which is Bach producer talk for they be fuxsin.

We’re onto Lauren B.’s date and girl is in some tiny ass shorts. He’s stoked on it, and their activity for the day is RELEASING BABY SEA TURTLES. Guys. Real talk. These tiny baby sea turtles are the cutest little nuggets I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s possible that the 2.5 tequila shots I’ve done since I started this program are contributing to my mood but hand to God I could burst into tears at any moment watching these little suckers.

sandy sea turtles cuteben lauren date sea turtles

Ben tells her he cried to her hot sister when talking about her and she thinks it’s muy adorbs. Now’s a good time to also mention that Lauren B.’s body is pretty bangin. Doesn’t ooze sex like Jojo, but as my girl Jordan (who diligently watches with me while I pause the TV 50,000 times to take screenshots) says, “Like, she works out.” Yas, Jor. Speaking truth.

Lauren is tripping balls because she wants to say I love you and somehow can’t, but then she does. This is the part in the episode I was talking about earlier. We are juuuust getting to the top of a rickety fuckin’ carnival ‘coaster and that shit is about to lock up and keep us dangling there for the next 1.5 hours.

She goes, “I am completely in love with you.” His response, like everything he says, starts with, “Um.” But then he pulls that shit together and SAYS I LOVE YOU BACK. This is some CUTE SHIT right here. Reallll fucking cute. As I shovel the last of a taco into my mouth (it was Mexican night at my house, okay? Sometimes we theme it) I hear myself say, “I’m having a lot of feelings.”

love bachelor i love you

Now that Ben’s told her he loves her, he says it 95 more times. Can’t stop saying it! Even the next morning after what I assume was some passionate bonin’ he looks at her dead serious and is like, “I do love you.” Boy is so fucking in right now. Trouble’s a-brewin.

It’s Jojo’s date, which means it’s helicopter time! The Bachelor’s bread and butter.

helicopter bachelor

Meanwhile Jordan and I are sitting on my couch discussing MEN. And THEIR BEHAVIOR. Because Ben just had maybe the realest night in Bachelor history with Lauren B, confessing his god damn LOVE for her, and now this is happening:

jojo ben hug

Another thing that’s happening is Bachelor editors are painting in bikinis again. They took one look at Jojo’s side boob and someone was like, “Nope. Open up Kid Pix and get the taupe-colored paint brush!” Look at this painted side boob:

blur bikini jojo

Jojo tells him she loves him and he, SUPER CASUAL, says it back and she does a literal double take. Girl is like wait, what? And then she legit tries to cover her face and whispers, “Are you allowed to say that?” Because like I said last week, there are RULES on this show and when you go wackadoo on Jojo and me, it gets very confusing for all of us.

jojo i love you face bachelor loljojo happy bachelor ben

Then they make out in front of a waterfall.

jojo ben kiss waterfall

This, in my mind, is where Ben starts to unravel. He is in WAYYY over his head and that shit is going to bite him in the ass harder than a mosquito with fucking Zika virus.

They eat at a nice restaurant where let me tell you, they were lucky to get a table. Get it? ‘Cause there’s one fucking table. They don’t eat food but they do sit in front of food and talk, and Jojo is so in love with him that I’m now wondering how in the hell Ben sleeps at night. Then I remember that these dates are all in a row and I’m like shit, this mother fucker has been up for three god damn days! No wonder he’s saying I love you to everyone, he probably said it to his favorite palm tree today too.

They discuss her hometown date and how RUDE her brothers were, and I swear to God  for a second I expect Ben to go, “And that’s why I brought them to Jamaica!!” as he turns his head and they appear out of the jungle. Thankfully this does not happen.

Jojo’s body continues to be the definition of insanity and it’s really making me question everything I’ve eaten in the last 24 hours/27 years.

jojo bikini body

Ben looks into Jojo’s eyes and goes, “We’re on the same page” and I laugh OUT LOUD and want to ask him what kind of page is that? Is it a page in the world’s largest book and you guys are standing a mile and a half away from each other? No way they’re ON THE SAME PAGE.

They go back and forth saying, “You’re cute.” “No YOU’RE cute.” And it’s like guys, it’s settled, you’re both the cutest people I’ve probably ever seen in my life.

Now that all three sexytime dates are over Ben sits in an Adirondack chair and realizes he’s in some DEEP SHIT. Dude is in love with two different women! But Caila’s going to help a brother out by visiting him. Eeeeee! Not going to go well, babe. She sneaks up behind him like the woman of my dreams if those dreams were specifically nightmares.

caila sneaking up behind himcaila sneaking up behind ben 2

She is SUPER excited to see him and the crazy comes out in Caila. It’s something I always knew about her. Suddenly Ben is like whoa, bitch, I wasn’t ready to break up with you RIGHT THIS SECOND but now that you’re here and annoying the shit out of me…

They talk and there is always a point in these break ups where the girl knows. She doesn’t even need to hear the, “But…” after he compliments her. It’s seconds before that. Here is Caila’s face as she figures this shiz out:

caila knows

He dumps her ass and girl is like WOW, you can stop saying nice things to me, this is a terrible moment in my life and I’d like to GTFO of here right now.

She sits in the car and then GETS OUT OF THE CAR and I’m screaming at my TV because nobody GETS OUT OF THE CAR, okay? But she does and she gets out with a vengeance. Caila wants answers. She wants to know if he fucked her knowing that he was going to send her home. The short answer is Yes, but his answer has a lotttttt more words in it that are trying to sound like the word No but don’t quite get there.

caila out of the car bachelor

Ben is very upset by all of this. I get it, you feel bad, but get your shit together. It is about to get 100 times shittier when you have to dump a girl you said I love you to three days earlier. Suit up.

In the car Caila says she still loves him and it’s like yeah we know, he broke up with you six minutes ago. But I feel for her because she is experiencing all of the sads. She’s also making the exact face I make in almost all social situations:

caila face awkward social

For the rose ceremony Chris Harrison is back and when I say back I mean he is giving PURE POKER FACE. Cannot be cracked while he greets these women.

chris harrison poker face

Both girls are like hm, where the fuck is Caila. Ben does not explain and hands out roses anyway. Jojo gets the first one, Lauren B. gets the second. This rose ceremony is VERY awkward, mostly because they GROUP HUG after and it is like, triple-cringe. Triple. Cringe.

group hug awkward lauren jojo ben

Next week is the tell all and here are some things I’d like answered: Why did Lauren H. make out with the ventriloquist dummy? Have Haley and Emily’s dachshunds lost any weight? It’s unhealthy for them to be that sausage-y. And finally: Has Olivia gotten her mind right? No? I bet Ben’s pumped.

Read last week’s hometown recap here.

Check out more of my recaps here.

ben thinking

 

The Bachelor Recap: “I Was Like, Meant To Meet Ben.”

jojo brother bachelor mean

Bringing a guy home to meet your family is cool until four seconds after you walk in the front door. Then everyone starts being so them and it’s like eeeee we should get going!

Amanda gets the first hometown date, and we know it’s going to be all about dem tiny tots. It’s pretty presh, except Ben almost lets one of her children wander into the ocean.

ben amanda kids beach bachelor

Little Charlie screams for the entire duration of the car ride home and it’s like good, let it out, babe. Show Ben what he’s in for because if he thinks parenting is all fun and octopus sand toys he’s got another thing coming.

At this point Ben looks COMPLETELY fucking wiped and is probably wishing it was his nap time too. Kids, amiright? Fak.

Amanda’s dad starts their conversation by going, “So, um…” which is basically the only thing a father can say at a time like this. They talk, and here is Ben realizing that he is in over his head:

ben amanda parent lol bachelor

Yuuup, that’s the face of somebody ready to be a father.

On Lauren B’s date, she takes him to a food truck and I have to say that is the fucking move, girl. I took my boyfriend to a food truck the other day and we shared a bratwurst AND a smile.

ben lauren b food truck hometown

Lauren is stoked because they’re just “eating lunch, walking around,” which is truly the crux of every relationship. Pepper in a little couch sitting and that honestly is like, ALL it is.

I assume they are killed by a rogue food truck and have drifted off to heaven, because they are now in a whiskey bar that cannot possibly exist on this planet. Mama like.

whiskey bar bachelor hometownwhiskey bachelor bar amazing

She brings him home to meet Dave, Christie, Bryant… everybody!! In what can only be described as he whitest, most picture perfect family I have ever seen in my life. They are the cover of a board game’s god damn DREAM.

lauren b family white

Seriously, Chutes and Ladders should take this image and photoshop their product into it.

Also Lauren has a hot sister. Ben can’t put into words how he feels about her (Lauren, not the hot sister), and he is now crying real tears. I am CRINGING but her sister fucking LOVES this shit. Look how into it she is:

lauren b sister bachelor

Lauren tells her parents that Ben is her person and now SHE’S crying. And now I’M crying! (JK, the only thing I cry for is Biggest Loser makeover week and I need to take a decongestant after that beautiful magic.)

Also this is every father trying to talk sense into his kid/that same kid wanting NONE OF IT:

lauren b dad hometown bachelorlauren b hometown dad

Nice try, Mr. Bushnell! Also Lauren totally fucking bails on saying I love you to Ben, and I want to call her a pussy until I realize that if I were on this show trying to say I love you to someone I would just stand there making very strange and uncomfortable facial expressions. (All of my friends are nodding at their computers going yep, that’s Sam.)

He leaves and it’s on to Caila and this god damn bench she’s obsessed with.

ben caila hometown bench

They go to her dad’s TOY FACTORY, which is fucking legit as HELL. A toy factory? Yes. They’re going to build this house and I’m thinking ya know, a doll house. Instead they build like, one of those plastic Playskool houses you keep in your yard that after it rains gets all wet and shitty. Ben is oddly pumped about it though so what the hell do I know about plastic fucking houses.

Everyone is happy for them, including this applauding factory worker.

toy factory bachelor caila

We meet her parents, and I can’t stop giggling at her father. I honestly don’t even know why. He is just cracking me the fuck up tonight.

caila dad bachelor

Caila cries and says things like, “Daddy, I know this is it.” She also refers to her mom as mommy fifty thousand times and I don’t know why it is creeping me out to my core, but it’s probably because she keeps whispering it like a god damn psychopath.

caila smiling bachelor

I’m suddenly convinced she’s too smiley and may eventually turn into that woman from Misery, but that’s my marijuana-induced paranoia for you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, Ben!! Did somebody just knock on my door??

We’re onto Jojo’s date, which starts with her getting a bouquet of roses. This makes me immediately wary because of said paranoia, but also because you and I both know Ben gives out one rose at a time.

She reads this letter, slowly realizing that it’s not from Ben. Umm, what the fuck is going on and WHO the FUCK is CHAD. Also what grown ass man named CHAD does his L’s like that when writing the word love? Something is fishy here. Might be the tilapia I ate for dinner, but I think it’s the CHAD.

who is chad the bachelor

Apparently her ex has had time to think while she’s been gone for 39 days (let it sink in that all these betches have only been away for 39 days). But was Jojo WITH CHAD 39 days ago?? So many unanswered questions. Also fuck these Bachelor producers. She legit thought Ben was saying I love you and it turns out it was fuckin’ CHAD!

She cries and explains to Ben WHO THE FUCK CHAD IS and here is his face as she does so:

ben jojo chad

Thrilled. Anyway they’re off to Jojo’s parents house, which is a total shit hole.

jojo mansion dallas bachelor

Her brothers hate him (“He’s no Chad!!” -One of them, I’m sure). But you know what? I don’t care if they hate Ben, because I hate them. Now we all hate each other.

Jojo’s mom is like yeahhhh this is a little much for me, and swigs straight from the god damn bottle of champs like a woman after my own heart.

jojo mom hometown bachelor

One of the brosefs is like “I don’t know if you were coached on your answers…” Basically he is grilling Ben like a fucking sirloin. I’m sure all Ben wants to do is be like hi, remember how we’re on a TV show? K.

At the rose ceremony, Jojo’s body is BANANAZ and they all stand there like wax wife mannequins.

final four bachelor hometowns

Lauren B. gets the first rose, then Caila. Nice knowin’ ya, Amanda. Ain’t nobody gonna give up on Jojo’s fine ass. She could belong to the fucking Manson family and 10 out of 10 bachelors are bringing her into that fantasy suite.

Amanda is irritated that he sent her back to LA only to send her home again at a rose ceremony. I FEEL HER and think this is an excellent point until I realize she lives like, not that far from LA. Maybe an hour and a half.

amanda cry hometown bachelor

Next week Ben says I love you to two women, which is throwing me for a LOOP. Is that allowed? There are rules, you know. I think. Aren’t there? Shit.

Check out more of my recaps here.

The Bachelor Recap: “I Hope It’s Not All About Flying Kites Today.”

becca blindside ben bachelor

You know when your boyfriend is all excited to show you his hometown, but then it turns out he drives a pontoon boat everywhere? Ya.

That’s right, y’all. We’re in Warsaw, Indiana, which is only about 26 times bigger than Chris Soules’ tiny shit town. Remember that nonsense? “This used to be a bar, this used to be the post office.” It was like fuck, Chris. This place is the WORST.

Ben greets the girls by rollin’ up in that fucking pontoon boat and every time I see it I giggle. These are the type of girls who would call their parents and be like, “Mom! He has a BOAT!” and forget to mention that its max speed is like, 3 miles per hour.

ben higgins bachelor pontoon boat

Lauren B. gets the first date card, and they go to a community center to play with kids. It’s cute, her ovaries are screaming HOLY SHIT BEN WILL BE A GREAT DAD, and then we meet Ronnie the Motherfucking Half Court King. He is DRAINING shots and it’s like paging Hollywood, somebody get this kid a reality show.

Ben and Lauren clear their shit up, and it looks like it’s gonna be smooth sailing for these cuties.

ben lauren b bachelor warsaw

JoJo gets the second date, and I can’t stop staring at her ass. She has SUCH a good ass. Girl, you been doing squats or some shit? My abs are sore from 30 crunches yesterday, if you’d like to know how my workout regimen is going.

jojo bachelor ass hot body

The two of them spend the day in Chicago and I honestly cannot think of a more perfect place in the entire world. Just shits all over Warsaw. Sure, I’m from Chicago and think it’s the best city ever, but that does not mean I’m biased even though I 100% am.

They go to Wrigley Field and Ben says he is a Cubs fan no fewer than 45 times. He REALLY LOVES THE CUBS and I know my besties from home are beaming with joy about the fact that all he wants to do in life is fly the W. (Hi Ash, Hi Nat!)

They lie down on the grass (not lay, don’t even fucking try me), and it is so beautiful. Eat shit, Fault In Our Stars poster, this is how you chill on some grass.

jojo ben wrigley field bachelor

Seriously could this date get any more LOVELY???

jojo ben wrigley field sign cute bachelor

Ben is falling for JoJo. He says so. And then he says SO MANY MORE WORDS. He goes on and on and on about feelings and thoughts and love and girl is basically like:

jojo ben wrigley field date

It’s here that I realize JoJo is 24 years old. 24!!! This bitch that, in my mind, I want to be like when I grow up, is younger than me. Life really is sad, isn’t it? Wow.

Back at what I’m guessing is an Airbnb the girls get the 3-on-1 date card and Emily’s name isn’t called, which means she gets the final one on one. She is not at all excited about it.

emily cry faceemily cry face bachelor

She thinks she still has a shot in this, and suddenly I hear my boyfriend’s voice asking, “Has he kissed the twin yet?” which startles me because I am so engrossed in the television that I hadn’t even noticed he sat down next to me and for a second I’m thinking holy shit, my throw pillows really HAVE been watching TV with me!! I knew it!

On the 3-on-1 date Caila, Becca and Amanda fly kites with Ben and I bet they’re wondering where all the fun helicopter dates went. It honestly looks like they’re shooting the cover of a self-help book over here.

bechalor ben fly kites

Becca is unraveling slowly but surely, although it’s hard to tell because she hasn’t made a single facial expression since the dawn of time. Also Caila and Ben talk, and Caila has SUCH GOOD HAIR. What is she, not drinking every night or something? Geez.

She moved 17 times before college, which in my book is about 17 times too many. If my parents tried to move I would stand in front of my fucking house and not let them do it, like George Banks when Eugene Levy tried to demolish his home in Father of the Bride Part Two. The point is, Caila pictures herself as moss.

Amanda gets the group rose, because obvi he has to validate that he wants to meet her kids. The other girls are muy triste about it. Becca has a family too, guys!

becca cry bachelor

Although let’s be real if you’re going to be sad, this is a good place to be sad in:

bachelor beautiful barn

Pret-ty nice.

Amanda gets more one on one time because she got the rose, so naturally they go to McDonalds because the ABC execs want me to pretend I don’t remember that weird fucking commercial Ben did three weeks ago. We get it, The Bachelor is sponsored by McDonalds. You don’t have to beat me over the god damn head with it by repeating the word McMuffin until my ears bleed. Amanda is probably going, “Can I talk about my feelings, or do I have to say breakfast all day again?”

However not gonna lie, this is my perfect date.

ben amanda mcdonalds date

(Those fries really are made out of pure crack cocaine. They must be, right? Who’s regulating that shit??)

Next they go to a carnival, where he tries to kiss her on a carousel. It is very awkward because you know, the horses keep going up and down. Classic carousel behavior.

carousel kiss amanda ben 1carousel kiss ben amanda 3

The next day Lauren B. sits with Amanda and goes, “You came home so happy. Tell me about it,” which is NOT what I would say to some betch who’s dating the same guy as me. I think it would go more like, “Hm, your coffee tastes weird? That is so odd. Oh hey, can somebody put the Drano back on the top shelf? Thanks!!!!!” (Haha get it?! Murder.)

It’s time for Emily’s date, and I know her days are numbered. And by days I mean day. This is definitely her final day.

She meets his parents and has a severe case of word vomit, where she pukes up maybe every word she’s ever learned, including “Denver Broncos cheerleader,” which is what every man’s mother wants to hear is the career goal of her future daughter-in-law. She also admits that she is average at everything and it’s like girl, keep that to yourself!

emily meet bens parents fail

Ben’s mom cries. That is how much she hates Emily. Emily however, thinks “this is just the beginning.” She is of course mistakenly referring to the beginning of their love story and not the beginning of her long ass travel day flying back to Vegas.

Ben sits her down and dumps her ass and she is basically like damn, Gina. She MET HIS PARENTS and here she is, dropped on her head like so many of my friends when they were babies.

Everyone is upset about her departure. I mean, they are ALL crying. Are they cycle sisters, or what? (I am not above a period joke. I’m probably BELOW a period joke at this point.)

jojo bachelor cryamanda bachelor cry sademily bachelor cry face lol

The rose ceremony looks fucking freezing, and Ben doesn’t know what to do because he pictures himself falling in love with five girls, which is HILARIOUS. Anyway he sends Becca home and she is pissed, okay? Pissed.

becca why did you do that bachelor

She told that mother fucker not to blindside her and here he goes, blindsiding her even though she kind of knew it was coming?

Next week is hometowns!!!! Do we think Ben can handle Amanda’s screaming children? Will Caila’s home without roots be enough?? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Check out more of my recaps here.

hometown dates bachelor ben

 

The Bachelor Recap: “Come At Me, Bro.”

surprised girls bachelor

I’d like to go on record and say that the helicopter cameramen on this show all deserve raises. I don’t know if it’s just one guy named Ned or if it’s a fleet of sexy Marks and Seans, but I respect his/their work.

We left off last week with Ben pulling Olivia aside before the rose ceremony and I was sure her ass was going home right then and there. But they talk about why the fuck nobody likes her and she explains that all the girls in the house are into painting nails while she’s into “reading books and thinking.” SO THAT’S WHY THEY DON’T LIKE HER. BECAUSE OF THE BOOKS AND THE THINKING.

Ben lets her stay and Emily is freaking the fuck out about it. She is like, SO upset and I wanna be like girl, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.

emily bachelor cryemily twin bachelor

In the Bahamas, Caila gets her second one on one date and since Leah hasn’t even gotten her first date yet it gives her a bad case of the sads, which quickly turns into the mads. She can’t even look at that fool!

leah ben bachelor

On Caila’s date they do some kind of fishing that requires her to wear a plastic belt and I’m going to be honest with you, it’s not my favorite look. Definitely wouldn’t be fighting my way into Bloomingdale’s for it. Also Caila and Ben are looking 100% straight out of SkyMall right now.

ben caila date bachelor

They talk about their feelings and Caila feels like she loves him, but is afraid to hurt him because he feels unlovable and she feels like she can’t totally love? It is a lot of WORDS that don’t really mean anything, but I guess that shit works because Caila gets a rose.

On the group date they feed pigs on a strange Bahamian pig island that I’m positive I’ve read about on Buzzfeed/UpRoxx/www.whogivesashit.net. It is COMICAL and I would be terrified.

bachelor group date pig island

Look at JoJo with these pigs. Nooo thank you.

jojo pig island

Meanwhile Ben and Lauren B. are clicking so hard you’d think they were the right side of my jaw (I suffer from TMJ), and the editors paint in Leah’s bikini bottoms because if there’s one thing Bachelor Nation can’t handle, it’s a little bit o’ ass.

lauren b bikini bottoms

Leah cries on the fucking beach and the second she calls Ben an idiot, I know she’s going home tonight. BEN HIGGINS IS AMERICA’S SWEETHEART and I think it’s actually illegal to talk about him like that.

He spends the entire night apologizing to the other betches for drooling all over Lauren B. and Leah is not having it. She goes, “I don’t want to start drama, or name names, but-” which you and I both fucking know is always how the SHADIEST shit starts. She says that Lauren B. doesn’t act the same around the girls as she does in front of Ben. Put your glasses on, ladies. That was a fucking READ.

lauren b leah bachelor

Ben tells Lauren and when Leah is confronted about it she chokes out a, “Well I didn’t say anything. I’m not the type of person to like, single somebody out.” Ohhhh snap, this girl is lying through her fucking teeth!! This is absolutely wild.

The girls talk about it later and of course Lauren B is crying and Amanda is rubbing Emily’s arm. This is the start of so many lesbian pornos I can’t even tell you. NOT THAT I WATCH PORNOGRAPHY OF ANY KIND, MOM.

amanda emily lauren b

Leah curls her eyelashes, then goes to see Ben in the middle of the night so she can talk even more shit about Lauren B. She actually says that’s why she’s going over there and it’s like what the FUCK is going on tonight?!

Ben is just sitting in his room drinking red wine by himself with a full camera crew when she shows up, so naturally he’s pretty surprised to see her. She goes in on Lauren and I’m convinced Ben is thinking bitch, you’re talking smack about my girl, you’re out. Which is EXACTLY what happens. I am a sorcerer.

Leah feels like an idiot, and she should because she was totally being an idiot. Baiii.

leah bachelor liar

It’s time for the classic Bachelor 2-on-1 date, where there’s “two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes…” and I hope whoever wrote that on season 1 of the Bachelor still gets residual checks because that line is PURE GOLD.

Olivia and Emily are not thrilled to be going together, nor are they particularly thrilled at how windy it is today. Not a great day for boating. I would be puking overboard.

2 on 1 date windy boatwindy boat bachelor

On this random ass island of wind and freezingness Olivia talks to Ben and I half expect her to say she’s already filed paperwork to change her name to Olivia Higgins. Instead she just keeps saying weird things about herself like that she’s comfortable in her body, which we all know is a fucking lie because she had to clear that cankle shit up REAL quick a few weeks back. She also says the sentence, “Intellectual things are my jam.” YA. I BET.

She tells Ben she loves him and then something juicy goosey happens. He says she’s great, “but…” and she immediately knows she’s done. Look at her face as she realizes.

olivia sent home bachelor

Hey. Real talk. I know Olivia is bat shit crazy, but everything about this breakup is pretty fucking harsh. He’s basically like, “Yeah I’m not feeling it. Gotta say bye.” Ice cold, Higgins! Doesn’t even walk her out, because she’s on an island and limos can’t get there.

olivia island sad

It is still so god damn windy I can’t handle it. Neither can Emily’s hair.

emily windy hair bachelor

Emily. YOU HAVE TWO HAIR THINGS ON YOUR WRIST. Get your shit together.

emily windy hair thing bachelor

They leave Olivia on this island all by herself, I’m assuming to die. I just can’t get over these helicopter cameramen! You guys are getting some FOOTAGE tonight!

olivia alone on an island bachelor

The rest of the ladies get ready for the cocktail party/rose ceremony, but once they’re done up to high heavens Chris Harrison shows up instead of Ben. “Oh shoot” is right, Becca. Oh shoot is right.

Ben is being a little emo and doesn’t want a cocktail party. He’s tired of talking to you crazies, okay? His mind is made up. But once I realize there are 7 girls left I totally get it and am like ahh, bye Lauren H.

Lauren B. is tripping balls about maybe not getting a rose because of Liar Leah, which is sheer insanity and she needs to calm her shit down. She of course DOES get a rose and like I said, we say goodbye to Lauren H.

lauren h bachelor sad

They tease the rest of the season and by the end of the package my mouth is OPEN. I don’t know what’s going to happen but it sure as shit looks like he decides to propose to someone he’s already sent home. Fasten your seatbelts, guys. This emotional roller coaster is juuuuust creeping up to the big drop.

Check out more of my recaps here.

 

The Bachelor Recap: “There’s Our Boyfriend.”

jojo ben bachelor fireworks

This season is really starting to hit its stride, and as usual there are a few girls trudging behind the pack like that one slow ass rhino in Jumanji.

We head to Vegas, where JoJo gets the first date card. Olivia acts like she’s cool as a fucking cucumber about it because she’s, “Zen with Ben,” but you and I both know she is starting to crack and is probably giving herself pep talks in the mirror. (That mirror, she will later realize, is actually a houseplant.)

A helicopter comes to pick up Ben and JoJo and it blows her away! No literally. It smashes their champagne and everything goes flying.

jojo ben helicopter

Back at the hotel they read the names on the group date card and that shit goes on FOREVERRRRR. The only way it could possibly sound more like a list of the top 50 baby names of 2015 would be if one of them was named Madison.

On the date, they are all going to be in a talent show. Ahh, yes. I have a feeling some of these ladies are talent-LESS and that’s going to make it MUY INTERESANTE.

lauren h chicken bachelor

Olivia goes on and on about this secret talent she has planned and everyone including me is over it. Is she going to shoot ping pong balls out of her pussy or something? Whatever it is, she is taking it 100% too seriously.

Now. When I say her cake-strip-tease is awkward, I mean it is very, very awkward. Let me tell you something. If you ever have to get on stage in front of people and think to yourself, “I’m just going to wing it,” that shit NEVER WORKS.

olivia strip cakeben olivia awkward cake.JPG

After the talent show Caila and Ben make out and he calls her a SEX PANTHER, which makes me giggle. (She does kiss very aggressively so, perhaps he has a point.) What does NOT make me giggle, is Lauren H. kissing the ventriloquist doll.

Olivia, you should be feeling pretty fucking good at this point because watching Lauren kiss this doll is BY FAR one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen in my entire life and I’ve basically forgotten about your panic attack .

lauren kiss ventriloquist doll bachelor

But Olivia HAS NOT forgotten about her panic attack. She has to talk to Ben. She HAS to explain why the fuck she jumped out of a god damn cake in front of 1,200 people. But Ben’s eyes are glazing over as if he’s using all of his brain power to subdue the boner that’s still lurking in his pants from ol’ Sex Panther Caila.

For Becca’s one on one date she gets sent a wedding dress and these thirsty bitches are soooo jealous. She meets him at a chapel and he pretends to propose to her, which is supposed to be cute except you can see on her face that home girl is TRIPPING OUT about it and def DOES NOT want to marry Ben. Look at her eyes. Sheer terror.

becca panic

For their date Ben officiates weddings, and as I watch all of these adorable, normal couples get married I just keep smoking more and more weed and thinking to myself wow, I am going to be SO HAPPY on my wedding day. (I also ate four tacos during this time. I lead a rich life.)

Back at the hotel, I can’t tell if the girls are starting to get tired of all this bullshit or not.

tired girls

We think there’s a rose ceremony soon but hot damn, Ben wants to go on a 2-on-1 date with the TWINS!! This is crazy. I get it, they share a car, have the same job… it’s a little creeps and he’s got to pick one. (Now I am wondering what their actual job is, since under the employment section all it says is, “Twin.”)

He goes to their house, which is full of overweight dachshunds and photos of Haley’s ex-boyfriend. Subsequently, Haley is gone.

haley emily twins bachelor

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony and I’m wondering how many goddamn cocktail dresses these girls have to bring on this show. So many dresses!! Olivia has another conversation with Ben where he stares blankly at her, having no idea what she’s talking about. He then talks to Jubilee and she is the fucking best. She is a bad bitch and I love her for it.

Olivia isn’t worried about not getting a rose because, “I read a lot of romance novels where things just come together.” Of course she reads romance novels. Of course.

Rachel (“Who?” –You) and Amber get kicked off and Amber is fucking mad about it. As soon as she starts walking away I say to my boyfriend, “She is so ready to take those heels off-” And as soon as the words leave my mouth she takes those damn heels off. Girls, amiright? We get each other.

Next week we’re off to Mexico, where Olivia tells Amanda she’s like a bad episode of Teen Mom or something? Not sure. Gonna be weird.

olivia bachelor bite finger

Check out more of my recaps here.

The Bachelor Recap: “It’s Either Good News, Or Bad News.”

lauren b ben higgings plane date

Me: “What is, girls are mean?”

Alex Trebek: “Ah I’m sorry, we were looking for, complete bitches.”

I’ve always said that putting your best foot forward involves trashing Olivia. I’ve ALWAYS said that. We kick off with girls sitting on chaise loungers wondering why, HOW, Ben likes her. If you ladies at home are wondering the same thing, go ahead and ask your boyfriend (who you’ve tied to the couch and forced to watch this). He’ll tell you. She’s fucking hot.

Lauren B. gets the first date card, prompting one of the girls to explain that the highlight of her day is, “those glimpses that I get to see him, before he takes other women on dates.” Yes, good. This is normal.

Lauren goes on the date and their first order of business is to get in some tiny-ass prop plane to do tricks and shit. Um, no thank you. If you’ve been reading my recaps since the dawn of time (summer-ish) you will know that Sam Jarvis DOES NOT FUCK WITH SINGLE PROPELLOR PLANES. My palms sweat in business class three white wines in, let alone in a tin can Harrison Ford’s probably already crashed.

bachelor prop plane lauren b

They fly to a hot tub in the middle of nowhere, which seems cute but he was JUST in a hot tub with Caila, so something about this gives me the ewws. Also is there some sort of generator out of frame? What’s powering this thing? (I’m 100 years old.) Anyway Lauren B is officially adorable and they would make very cute, very white babies together.

lauren b ben higgins date

Back at the mansion the girls are like, not having a great time. I can’t imagine why spending days trapped in a house with people you fucking hate would be terrible, but I guess it is! The group date card arrives and everybody’s names are on it except Becca, JoJo and Jubilee, so Jubilee knows shit ain’t in the cards for her.

The group date is all about soccer, and Lace doesn’t know goalies can pick the ball up with their hands so the other team scores. This immediately gives me flashbacks to my AYSO days when once a season they’d force me to be goalie and I was so nervous I thought I was going to shit my pants for the entire hour.

lace soccer goalie bachelor

While waiting to talk to Ben during cocktail hour one of the girls is like, “I don’t want to sit on a couch and sip on my water” which is the REALEST fucking thing I have ever heard anyone say about their time on The Bachelor. That is 96% of what their lives are.

But while they sit and sip, they of course have to talk about Olivia again and as the words pour out of their bitch mouths I am shoving more and more seaweed snacks into my face. This is good TV, guys. They not only say that Olivia has bad toes, but also that she has fake boobs and BAD BREATH.

Jami finally speaks this episode and she should’ve started with, “I’m Jami and I’m a fucking snitch.” She IMMEDIATELY tells Olivia what they said and it’s like wow, you are not allowed in my drug ring, you are a rat. Olivia asks what body part they made fun of and right away guesses her calves, which made me go HA! Very loudly and scare my sleeping boyfriend. She goes on to say, “Am I aggressive? Yeah. Do I have bad toes? Yeah” and suddenly I’m like you alright, Olivia. You alright.

Except then she starts talking about how Ben “pushed off her leg,” which to her meant they are now talking in secret code and I want to grab her by the shoulders, look her in the eyes and say Olivia, sweetheart, you’re a fucking psycho.

olivia bachelor ben crazy

In a TWIST!!!!!! Jubilee gets the final date card, but has literally zero chill and starts acting like a crazed cat climbing up a curtain. She is being SO AWKWARD, which is apparently what one of the girls calls “awko-taco” and whoever the hell just said that should pack up their shit and go.

Jubilee is afraid of heights and is already acting a fool, but has to get in a helicopter anyway. Out of nervousness she jokes, “Does anyone want to go on my date??” WELL. LET ME TELL YOU. This does NOT sit well with the ladies, nooooo siree. They’re super pissed because “Ben planned an amazing date” which is a laugh out loud statement and I can’t believe these grown ass women STILL think that Ben is planning these dates! You think he’s sitting in a production meeting like, “Guys, I want to take Jubilee on a helicopter ride to this one really cute spa I know of.” Um, no. Not how this works at all.

Jubilee’s still being kind of squirrely and spitting out food she thinks is horrible, but then she tells Ben that she’s obsessed with hot dogs and suddenly I’m like girl, maybe we are more alike than I thought!! Ben is just happy he can finally see what a normal day would be like with her, because this is a totally normal day:

jubilee ben date bachelor

Jubilee opens up and explains that her entire family died in Haiti except her. Well, shit. She’s officially lived ten thousand more lives than any of these betches in the house who think “Ben wants a soccer mom.” (Sure, Lauren H. Guy’s dicks get hard thinking of boring ass soccer moms with THICK MIDWESTERN ACCENTS. That’s a thing.)

At the rose ceremony, somber Ben announces that his family friends died in a plane crash, so Olivia immediately steals him away to clear up this calves/toes business. She says it’s really hard and starts crying. (Pret-ty fucking sure an editor got THREE gold stars for making it look like the crying is about the cankles and not the plane crash. Well done.)

Jubilee gives him a massage and Amber is like oh hell no. She wants to talk to her but Jubilee is NOT HAVING IT. She doesn’t want a fucking girl chat, okay Amber? You’re being a mean girl and it is NOT a good look. You know who agrees with me? Ben. He shoots Amber’s ass down so fast she’s like wait, what? If I were in that house and the girls wanted to “have a talk” I’d be like yeah, no. I’m gonna keep eating this slice of pie hovering over the kitchen sink (I eat my feelings).

jubilee massage

In a great final show button, Lace is outtie. She just can’t deal anymore and starts quoting her tattoo. She knew her ass was getting the boot and wanted to get out ahead of it! Gotta respect that.

Olivia is freaking the FUCK out about how there is only one rose left and she doesn’t have one yet. He had to punish her for talking about her damn calves while he was mourning the deaths of his friends, ya know? She gets the final rose, and then revisits this “secret communication” business. She says that when they hugged he squeezed her waist and she took that to mean, and I quote, “He can’t give me everything all the time and he knows I can handle that.” Or, ya know, he hugged you. Either one.

We’re in Vegas next week, so you know what that means!! …Wait I don’t know what that means. If you do, can you inbox me? Perf.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.