Every younger sibling.
Tag: funny
The Bachelor Recap: “We Woke Up As A Couple.”
Hope you stuffed a granola bar in your pocket, ‘cause this emotional roller coaster is about to get stuck at the top of a huge ass drop. I’m sweating already.
We’re in Jamaica for the FANTASY DATES, and Ben is doin’ a lot of thinking before he sees these women. He’s also climbing what I can only describe as a poor man’s Machu Picchu.
Caila’s date is first and they go rafting on one of the rivers I think Ocho Rios, Jamaica is named after. (Not to brag about my education, but I happen to know that ocho rios means eight rivers.) Also, I want one of these wooden rafts with the bench (we know how much Caila loves benches), but I truly would have NOWHERE to put it in my apartment.
So they’re on this date and I’m going to be honest with you, it’s a little awks. Caila is starting to freak the fuck out because there are other betches still in this thing and look, honey, when you’re right, you’re right. Ain’t no way in hell I’m cool as a cucumber when I know my man is also dating Jojo and Lauren B. Thanks for the fun dates, I’m gonna go pack my bags. It’s been a really neat journey.
Ben is having a great ol’ time on this fucking raft, as evident by him saying things like, “I’m a 26-year-old man who’s like a kid right now.” Not to hate, but the word man should be used verrrry loosely when talking about a 26-year-old. Men are not people who JUST started paying for their own health insurance, you feel me?
Caila says I love you and can “feel it in his breath that he feels the same.” I don’t want to feel a god damn thing in someone’s breath, not even love. I like a dude’s breath to be pure nothingness. Or whiskey.
They kiss in the water and all I can think about is how many fucking blue gels these production people are using. (A gel is a filter you throw on a light to make shit a certain color. Pret-ty high tech.) Anyway they are TOTES USING THEM HERE.
They take the fantasy suite key to “forego their individual rooms and spend the night together as a couple,” which is Bach producer talk for they be fuxsin.
We’re onto Lauren B.’s date and girl is in some tiny ass shorts. He’s stoked on it, and their activity for the day is RELEASING BABY SEA TURTLES. Guys. Real talk. These tiny baby sea turtles are the cutest little nuggets I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s possible that the 2.5 tequila shots I’ve done since I started this program are contributing to my mood but hand to God I could burst into tears at any moment watching these little suckers.
Ben tells her he cried to her hot sister when talking about her and she thinks it’s muy adorbs. Now’s a good time to also mention that Lauren B.’s body is pretty bangin. Doesn’t ooze sex like Jojo, but as my girl Jordan (who diligently watches with me while I pause the TV 50,000 times to take screenshots) says, “Like, she works out.” Yas, Jor. Speaking truth.
Lauren is tripping balls because she wants to say I love you and somehow can’t, but then she does. This is the part in the episode I was talking about earlier. We are juuuust getting to the top of a rickety fuckin’ carnival ‘coaster and that shit is about to lock up and keep us dangling there for the next 1.5 hours.
She goes, “I am completely in love with you.” His response, like everything he says, starts with, “Um.” But then he pulls that shit together and SAYS I LOVE YOU BACK. This is some CUTE SHIT right here. Reallll fucking cute. As I shovel the last of a taco into my mouth (it was Mexican night at my house, okay? Sometimes we theme it) I hear myself say, “I’m having a lot of feelings.”
Now that Ben’s told her he loves her, he says it 95 more times. Can’t stop saying it! Even the next morning after what I assume was some passionate bonin’ he looks at her dead serious and is like, “I do love you.” Boy is so fucking in right now. Trouble’s a-brewin.
It’s Jojo’s date, which means it’s helicopter time! The Bachelor’s bread and butter.
Meanwhile Jordan and I are sitting on my couch discussing MEN. And THEIR BEHAVIOR. Because Ben just had maybe the realest night in Bachelor history with Lauren B, confessing his god damn LOVE for her, and now this is happening:
Another thing that’s happening is Bachelor editors are painting in bikinis again. They took one look at Jojo’s side boob and someone was like, “Nope. Open up Kid Pix and get the taupe-colored paint brush!” Look at this painted side boob:
Jojo tells him she loves him and he, SUPER CASUAL, says it back and she does a literal double take. Girl is like wait, what? And then she legit tries to cover her face and whispers, “Are you allowed to say that?” Because like I said last week, there are RULES on this show and when you go wackadoo on Jojo and me, it gets very confusing for all of us.
Then they make out in front of a waterfall.
This, in my mind, is where Ben starts to unravel. He is in WAYYY over his head and that shit is going to bite him in the ass harder than a mosquito with fucking Zika virus.
They eat at a nice restaurant where let me tell you, they were lucky to get a table. Get it? ‘Cause there’s one fucking table. They don’t eat food but they do sit in front of food and talk, and Jojo is so in love with him that I’m now wondering how in the hell Ben sleeps at night. Then I remember that these dates are all in a row and I’m like shit, this mother fucker has been up for three god damn days! No wonder he’s saying I love you to everyone, he probably said it to his favorite palm tree today too.
They discuss her hometown date and how RUDE her brothers were, and I swear to God for a second I expect Ben to go, “And that’s why I brought them to Jamaica!!” as he turns his head and they appear out of the jungle. Thankfully this does not happen.
Jojo’s body continues to be the definition of insanity and it’s really making me question everything I’ve eaten in the last 24 hours/27 years.
Ben looks into Jojo’s eyes and goes, “We’re on the same page” and I laugh OUT LOUD and want to ask him what kind of page is that? Is it a page in the world’s largest book and you guys are standing a mile and a half away from each other? No way they’re ON THE SAME PAGE.
They go back and forth saying, “You’re cute.” “No YOU’RE cute.” And it’s like guys, it’s settled, you’re both the cutest people I’ve probably ever seen in my life.
Now that all three sexytime dates are over Ben sits in an Adirondack chair and realizes he’s in some DEEP SHIT. Dude is in love with two different women! But Caila’s going to help a brother out by visiting him. Eeeeee! Not going to go well, babe. She sneaks up behind him like the woman of my dreams if those dreams were specifically nightmares.
She is SUPER excited to see him and the crazy comes out in Caila. It’s something I always knew about her. Suddenly Ben is like whoa, bitch, I wasn’t ready to break up with you RIGHT THIS SECOND but now that you’re here and annoying the shit out of me…
They talk and there is always a point in these break ups where the girl knows. She doesn’t even need to hear the, “But…” after he compliments her. It’s seconds before that. Here is Caila’s face as she figures this shiz out:
He dumps her ass and girl is like WOW, you can stop saying nice things to me, this is a terrible moment in my life and I’d like to GTFO of here right now.
She sits in the car and then GETS OUT OF THE CAR and I’m screaming at my TV because nobody GETS OUT OF THE CAR, okay? But she does and she gets out with a vengeance. Caila wants answers. She wants to know if he fucked her knowing that he was going to send her home. The short answer is Yes, but his answer has a lotttttt more words in it that are trying to sound like the word No but don’t quite get there.
Ben is very upset by all of this. I get it, you feel bad, but get your shit together. It is about to get 100 times shittier when you have to dump a girl you said I love you to three days earlier. Suit up.
In the car Caila says she still loves him and it’s like yeah we know, he broke up with you six minutes ago. But I feel for her because she is experiencing all of the sads. She’s also making the exact face I make in almost all social situations:
For the rose ceremony Chris Harrison is back and when I say back I mean he is giving PURE POKER FACE. Cannot be cracked while he greets these women.
Both girls are like hm, where the fuck is Caila. Ben does not explain and hands out roses anyway. Jojo gets the first one, Lauren B. gets the second. This rose ceremony is VERY awkward, mostly because they GROUP HUG after and it is like, triple-cringe. Triple. Cringe.
Next week is the tell all and here are some things I’d like answered: Why did Lauren H. make out with the ventriloquist dummy? Have Haley and Emily’s dachshunds lost any weight? It’s unhealthy for them to be that sausage-y. And finally: Has Olivia gotten her mind right? No? I bet Ben’s pumped.
Read last week’s hometown recap here.
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Important
That is all. Go about your day.
Oscars Recap: “What Does That Mean, To Play Us Off?”
So what was the theme of the night? Any guesses? No?
Chris Rock gets up to host and I’ll be honest I’m pumped about it. He immediately makes a joke about how Kevin Hart has made more movies this year than porno stars, which makes me chuckle until I stop and go, porno stars? This is 2016, grandpa Chris. They’re called porn stars.
He’s gotten a little work done around the eyes, but I’m okay with it. Looks slightly puffy, like he did a few rounds of boxing before throwin’ on his suit but I get it, it’s Hollywood.
His opening monologue is about #OscarsSoWhite, which is predictable but appropriate.
Spotlight wins for best original screenplay, and I love how they type out the words from the script and put it on screen so everybody knows what the fuck a “screenplay” looks like. I like to compare the beautiful sentences and dialogue of these films with my own scripts, which tend to have things like, “We hope it’s a fart, but know it’s something more” in them. It’s fine, guys, I’ll grow into more serious dialogue (I won’t).
The Big Short wins for adapted screenplay, and Adam McKay is so fucking tall. He is a ginormous man. Look at him compared to all the other people.
Time to get UNCOMFORTABLE. Stacey Dash walks on stage and I immediately get a pit in my stomach because nothing that comes out of her mouth is EVER good. She tries to make a joke about Black History Month (girl doesn’t think there should be one: read here) and you can hear a god damn baggie of coke drop in that place. It is VERY AWKWARD.
So like, who runs the Oscars? There’s a person who gets to decide what happens during the ceremony, right? Because what is MORE awkward than whatever Stacey Dash just said, is that someone creating this show thought it would get a laugh. What a WEIRD THING TO THINK. Chrissy Teigen’s reaction pretty much sums it up:
Alicia Vikander wins for supporting actress for The Danish Girl and girl is like, really beautiful. She is also a TALENTED ACTOR and the feminist in me needs to point out her incredible work before delving into her body and hair and eyes and the fact that I am suddenly very, very aware that I can never be a famous actress because I am just not hot enough. It’s okay. It’s good to be honest with yourself sometimes.
The woman who wins for costume design for Mad Max is my spirit animal. She just like, strolled into the academy awards on her way home from CVS or some shit and I love it in her!! Fuck these people, amiright?
They play a clip for The Revenant, and afterwards they cut to a guy in a bear suit clapping and everyone I’m with starts cracking the fuck up. They love it.
You know who doesn’t love it? Leo. You know who else doesn’t love it? The Revanant director and his wife.
The cinematographer for The Revanant wins, and it’s his third year in a ROW. He did Birdman and Gravity and it’s like oh, okay, so you’re THE cinematographer. I get it.
A woman wins for editing Mad Max and this betch comes on stage and crushes it. She is like, a regular mom who picks her kids up from school and probably makes birdhouses on the side. And wins Academy Awards for editing badass movies, nbd.
There is a very uncomfortable clip about Black History Month, where in the end the joke is about celebrating Jack Black. Very original. All of this is feeling like cringe-y overkill at this point.
Now there is an announcement that The Minions are on their way to the theater and the Ghostbusters theme song plays us into commercial. Are these people on shrooms? Could you guys put any more random ass shit together?
Mad Max wins for sound editing and mixing (see the difference here), Ex Machina wins for visual effects, and now we’re onto the important thing which is a bit about Girl Scout Cookies.
Look I get it, award shows need comedic breaks. But if you’re spending so much fucking energy playing people off stage, maybe give them five more god damn seconds each and cut all this bullshit out of the show. BUT I DIGRESS.
We get to the animation shit and Inside Out wins for animated feature (duh). Now Kevin Hart gets on stage to speak his piece and I applaud every word he’s saying, but the 90s kid in me is just loving that he busted out a bedazzler to make his suit.
There is ANOTHER sketch about diversity and it’s just awkward that a room full of white people are laughing at it. Anyway here is the main visual you need to take from it:
Leo LOVES. IT. Hated the bear suit, but god dammit if he doesn’t get the giggles from this woman holding an Oscar.
Mark Rylance wins supporting actor and that’s cool, dude is a good fucking actor.
Louis CK presents for documentary short film and says, “These people will never get rich in their entire lives,” which I think is hilarious and perfect. Except A Girl In The River wins and this chick comes out and says that thanks to this film honor killings have been banned in Pakistan. Um, hi. This is the most important moment of the Oscars and we completely gloss over it because we are all huge pieces of shit. I’m sitting here eating fucking chocolate covered strawberries, swear to God, and she is making actual humongous changes in the world.
Amy wins for documentary, which is fine even though the style of this movie made me feel very weird. After they present live action short (I’m sorry I’m not giving this more attention than this sentence but these awards are TOO FUCKING LONG and I’m tired and full of strawberries), Lady Gaga performs and it is very intense, as everything in her entire life is. I like it. Hateful 8 wins for original score and the only words you can make out in this entire foreign speech is “Harvey Weinstein.” Sam Smith wins for original song. Yes, I’m working at lightning speed here. Patience is dwindling.
Alejandro G. Inarritu wins for director for the second year in a row and the producers reeaaaaallly try to play him off when his speech goes long. But you know what? Alejandro DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK. Cannot be played off, refuses, and they eventually give up on the music.
Brie Larson, angel of my heart, wins for best actress and Leo wins for actor and immediately goes into some shit about the environment. One issue at a time, bro! Tonight is not about greenhouse gases!
Spotlight wins for Best Picture and I want to be happy but honestly I am so fucking over this award show at this point. TOO LONG, guys. The “thank you” ticker did NOTHING for the length of this show and I’m honestly glad I don’t have to watch more of this for another year.
On a positive note, best dressed goes to this dude on the right for his ear/necklace combo.
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When You Get A Little Too High
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Whoa, Scary
What Really Happens When Girls Go To The Bathroom In Groups: A Piece of Investigative Journalism
By Sam Jarvis
It was a night like any other, all of us sitting around a big table in the middle of PF Changs. We laughed and ate beef and broccoli, flirting with the boys across from us. It had taken me months to infiltrate this group, hundreds of dollars worth of gel manicures to gain these girls’ trust and prove that I wasn’t a rat, I was their friend. I had fooled them.
Roxy chewed on a bite of orange chicken, reaching into her mouth to pull out a piece that was definitely too- something. She set it on her plate and I gagged in my mouth. It was then, under the dim lights of this critically acclaimed restaurant, that Lena made eye contact with us.
“I’m going to go to the bathroom.”
As soon as she said it, the girls looked to each other in understanding, rising from their chairs in unison.
“I’ll come.”
“Me too.”
I felt the temperature on my face rise. This was the moment I had waited patiently for, and I wasn’t going to screw it up. Lena looked at me.
“Are you coming?”
I nodded, stood. I took my purse with me but I’m not even sure why. I could feel my heartbeat in my ears, trying my best to ignore it so I could hear the end of Jacqueline’s story about switching eyebrow threading places.
Lena led the girls into the women’s bathroom and I immediately took mental notes of my surroundings. Three stalls, two sinks, automatic paper towel dispenser. This was information they’d need when I reported back to the agency. I’ll be honest, I was in a bit of a daze. Having always been a loner, I had never been asked to go to the bathroom with a group of girls before. I was scared, but elated.
Roxy went into a stall and without shutting it, started peeing. I adjusted my bra to make sure the wire I was wearing was still intact. Deep breaths, I thought to myself. I knew they were picking up my heartbeat in the audio.
Nothing happened for several minutes, as I pondered the possibility that I had gotten a bad lead. But suddenly, Lena and Jacqueline were talking in whispered code. As I leaned in, struggling to make out the words Cote d’Ivoire, and Tuesday is the drop off, I put it together. Holy shit, they’re arms dealers.
Roxy put on her reading glasses and scanned a detailed map she procured out of her bra. Lena asked if anybody had a tampon. I truly couldn’t believe what I was seeing: these women were selling machine guns to African soldiers.
Sudanese militants, secret weapon bases, they were discussing it all in great detail.
And as I watched tens of thousands of dollars pass from one girl’s moisturized hand to the other, I breathed for the first time in several minutes. My palms were sweating so profusely that I needed a paper towel to wipe them. I casually walked over to get one, but of course the machine couldn’t sense my hand motion beneath it.
All of the girls were looking at me. I glanced up nervously, wondering if this paper towel dispenser faux pas had demolished the cover I’d worked so hard to create. Lena saw the terror on my face.
“Something wrong?” She asked, putting a hand on her slender hip.
“Nope.” I said, as convincing as I could. I took Improv 101 a couple years ago and hoped to God it was shining through now.
It had been hours. They’d sketched out twelve drop routes, paid, in cash, for seventy five semiautomatic weapons, and made me try on four different shades of lipstick.
My focus waning, it was thankfully time to go. They rolled up the plans, stuffed them back in their undergarments, and took a last and final look at themselves in the mirror.
“I’m thinking about getting low lights,” Roxy said to both herself and no one. And although I couldn’t believe that millions of innocent people’s blood was on her hands, I did think she would look excellent with some darker pieces near her temple.
We walked back to the table, now completely cleared. All that remained was a small pile of fortune cookies. One of the guys looked up from his phone.
“What took you so long?”
Lena smirked, glancing at the girlfriends who flanked her sides. I was oddly proud to be one of them.
“Oh, you know. Girl stuff.”
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The Bachelor Recap: “I Was Like, Meant To Meet Ben.”
Bringing a guy home to meet your family is cool until four seconds after you walk in the front door. Then everyone starts being so them and it’s like eeeee we should get going!
Amanda gets the first hometown date, and we know it’s going to be all about dem tiny tots. It’s pretty presh, except Ben almost lets one of her children wander into the ocean.
Little Charlie screams for the entire duration of the car ride home and it’s like good, let it out, babe. Show Ben what he’s in for because if he thinks parenting is all fun and octopus sand toys he’s got another thing coming.
At this point Ben looks COMPLETELY fucking wiped and is probably wishing it was his nap time too. Kids, amiright? Fak.
Amanda’s dad starts their conversation by going, “So, um…” which is basically the only thing a father can say at a time like this. They talk, and here is Ben realizing that he is in over his head:
Yuuup, that’s the face of somebody ready to be a father.
On Lauren B’s date, she takes him to a food truck and I have to say that is the fucking move, girl. I took my boyfriend to a food truck the other day and we shared a bratwurst AND a smile.
Lauren is stoked because they’re just “eating lunch, walking around,” which is truly the crux of every relationship. Pepper in a little couch sitting and that honestly is like, ALL it is.
I assume they are killed by a rogue food truck and have drifted off to heaven, because they are now in a whiskey bar that cannot possibly exist on this planet. Mama like.
She brings him home to meet Dave, Christie, Bryant… everybody!! In what can only be described as he whitest, most picture perfect family I have ever seen in my life. They are the cover of a board game’s god damn DREAM.
Seriously, Chutes and Ladders should take this image and photoshop their product into it.
Also Lauren has a hot sister. Ben can’t put into words how he feels about her (Lauren, not the hot sister), and he is now crying real tears. I am CRINGING but her sister fucking LOVES this shit. Look how into it she is:
Lauren tells her parents that Ben is her person and now SHE’S crying. And now I’M crying! (JK, the only thing I cry for is Biggest Loser makeover week and I need to take a decongestant after that beautiful magic.)
Also this is every father trying to talk sense into his kid/that same kid wanting NONE OF IT:
Nice try, Mr. Bushnell! Also Lauren totally fucking bails on saying I love you to Ben, and I want to call her a pussy until I realize that if I were on this show trying to say I love you to someone I would just stand there making very strange and uncomfortable facial expressions. (All of my friends are nodding at their computers going yep, that’s Sam.)
He leaves and it’s on to Caila and this god damn bench she’s obsessed with.
They go to her dad’s TOY FACTORY, which is fucking legit as HELL. A toy factory? Yes. They’re going to build this house and I’m thinking ya know, a doll house. Instead they build like, one of those plastic Playskool houses you keep in your yard that after it rains gets all wet and shitty. Ben is oddly pumped about it though so what the hell do I know about plastic fucking houses.
Everyone is happy for them, including this applauding factory worker.
We meet her parents, and I can’t stop giggling at her father. I honestly don’t even know why. He is just cracking me the fuck up tonight.
Caila cries and says things like, “Daddy, I know this is it.” She also refers to her mom as mommy fifty thousand times and I don’t know why it is creeping me out to my core, but it’s probably because she keeps whispering it like a god damn psychopath.
I’m suddenly convinced she’s too smiley and may eventually turn into that woman from Misery, but that’s my marijuana-induced paranoia for you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, Ben!! Did somebody just knock on my door??
We’re onto Jojo’s date, which starts with her getting a bouquet of roses. This makes me immediately wary because of said paranoia, but also because you and I both know Ben gives out one rose at a time.
She reads this letter, slowly realizing that it’s not from Ben. Umm, what the fuck is going on and WHO the FUCK is CHAD. Also what grown ass man named CHAD does his L’s like that when writing the word love? Something is fishy here. Might be the tilapia I ate for dinner, but I think it’s the CHAD.
Apparently her ex has had time to think while she’s been gone for 39 days (let it sink in that all these betches have only been away for 39 days). But was Jojo WITH CHAD 39 days ago?? So many unanswered questions. Also fuck these Bachelor producers. She legit thought Ben was saying I love you and it turns out it was fuckin’ CHAD!
She cries and explains to Ben WHO THE FUCK CHAD IS and here is his face as she does so:
Thrilled. Anyway they’re off to Jojo’s parents house, which is a total shit hole.
Her brothers hate him (“He’s no Chad!!” -One of them, I’m sure). But you know what? I don’t care if they hate Ben, because I hate them. Now we all hate each other.
Jojo’s mom is like yeahhhh this is a little much for me, and swigs straight from the god damn bottle of champs like a woman after my own heart.
One of the brosefs is like “I don’t know if you were coached on your answers…” Basically he is grilling Ben like a fucking sirloin. I’m sure all Ben wants to do is be like hi, remember how we’re on a TV show? K.
At the rose ceremony, Jojo’s body is BANANAZ and they all stand there like wax wife mannequins.
Lauren B. gets the first rose, then Caila. Nice knowin’ ya, Amanda. Ain’t nobody gonna give up on Jojo’s fine ass. She could belong to the fucking Manson family and 10 out of 10 bachelors are bringing her into that fantasy suite.
Amanda is irritated that he sent her back to LA only to send her home again at a rose ceremony. I FEEL HER and think this is an excellent point until I realize she lives like, not that far from LA. Maybe an hour and a half.
Next week Ben says I love you to two women, which is throwing me for a LOOP. Is that allowed? There are rules, you know. I think. Aren’t there? Shit.
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Fridayz Got Me Like
Can’t stop won’t stop.
When You And Your Bestie Chillin At A Party And Won’t Get Up To Say Hi To Anyone
Nah, bro. Y’all can come to us.
who is sam jarvis 