Tag: drama
The Bachelor Women Tell All Recap: “It’s Hard To Watch It Back.”
You know when you break up with 26 people, and then they all sit in a room together with a shit ton of fake eyelashes on and talk about you? BEN GETS ME.
We kick off the Women Tell All (alternate title: Women Are Mad!) with Ben and Chris hitting up some Bachelor Nation viewing parties. They just walk in the front door of people’s houses as if nobody in the entire country locks their fucking doors at night. Lock your doors, people!
There are a couple things to take from this beautiful adventure Chris and Ben are on together. First, one of these houses has 40 girls in it. FORTY GIRLS! If I lined up all my girlfriends, including my best friend when I was 3 (Paige from Apple School), there would be like, twelve people. Quality over quantity, aight? Look at all these betches:
The second thing to take from it is the cake with Chris Harrison’s face on it that says, “Hare for the right reasons.” I honestly have no fucking idea what this cake is about. Easter hasn’t even HAPPENED yet. Is it a play on the name hare-ison? This is absolute crazytown.
At the Tell All, I assume Ben is chilling backstage eating veggie dip and/or a hummus platter from craft services while Chris introduces all the women scorned. They start going through them and it’s like who are these people?! So many girls I totally forgot about and a few I am positive I have never seen before in my life.
Chris plays footage of the DRAMA and we cover all the bases: Lace, Jubilee, Leah, Olivia. Remember Lace? (“How could I forget her when she haunts my dreams at night.” -You)
We get into it with Leah and by we I mean Chris Harrison straight up turns to her and goes, “Leah, what happened with you?” and the crowd BOOS HER.
Don’t roll on Lauren B, girl! Don’t. Roll. On. Lauren. B. Leah doesn’t think her PRIVATE (FILMED and MIC-ED) conversation should be discussed among the girls even though I have discussed it among MY girls, and I don’t know any of these people personally, professionally, or otherwise.
Leah’s not looking good in this but it’s Jamie who’s really shitting the bed. She is talking like, way too much. You weren’t there, Jamie! Nobody remembers you, JAMIE. However Jamie’s blabbering is a nice segue* into the Jubilee conversation.
*UMM DID YOU KNOW THIS IS HOW YOU SPELL THE WORD SEGWAY?? WHAT THE FUCK.
Amber and Jamie are mad at Jubilee because she kept saying how she was the only full black girl on the show. Chris Harrison’s white ass is like hmm I’m going to chill by these very nice flameless candles and let you guys work it out. Not touching this topic with a 5 million foot pole. (“Siri, remind me to google full black girl definition later” -Chris whispering into his phone)
After Jamie repeats herself 70 fucking times Leah literally turns to her and is like, “Get over it” which I believe is her subtle way of clapping back at Jamie for her earlier bullshit.
Jubilee apologizes for anything that offended them, because she’s a badass bitch and girl can step up when she needs to. I always liked that knucklehead. It’s time for Jubilee to sit with Chris and it’s here I remember these girls have to relive their entire fucking journey in a video package before Chris forces them to talk about it. This is the exact face I would make if I had to watch a highlight reel of my past relationships:
Neat footage, fuckers. However Jubilee is still a little sads about how it went down, as evident by this single tear:
It’s Lace’s turn in the hot seat, and I am officially buried under my throw blanket, head poking out as if I just heard the loudest clap of thunder while home alone because my parents are out at the boat gambling. In short: I am scared. Lace is so fucking happy to watch herself cry. She thinks her own heartbreak is HILARIOUS:
This is of course the sign of a serial killer. BUT, the one thing she learned from being on the show was to be aware of her facial expressions. This makes me smile. There is a 100% chance I would totally change everything about my expressions after watching myself on a reality show. Has Olivia opened her mouth once since this circus of an evening started? No. No she hasn’t.
Now some guy interrupts them to show us a tattoo of Lace’s face on his body and Chris Harrison wants us to think this was a totally random occurrence even though he is the only god damn man in the ENTIRE audience.
Lace is officially invited to Bachelor in Paradise, coming this summer to ABC!™, and I cannot wait. Sure, the bachelor’s more magical. But Bachelor in Paradise is more sunburn-y, which honestly might be better.
Olivia is up, which means all the girls are cracking their knuckles, ready to actually murder this bitch if she calls herself Olivia Higgins. This is where things start to get squirrely. 1) Amanda has no voice, which is not the worst news in the world since her voice drives me un poco loco. 2) Olivia is going to be in DOUBLE TROUBLE with the twins tonight. 3) Who the FUCK is Izzy.
Olivia makes some great points here. Sure, she stole him away first at cocktail parties, but these catty bitches made fun of her breath and her toes and her breasts! Yas, girl. Speak on it. She says she was bullied as a kid and some random girl who I think is named Jennifer goes, “Well if you were bullied as a kid, wouldn’t you learn to change your behavior?” NOTICE TO ALL CHILDREN: THIS IS BAT SHIT CRAZY. Pret-ty sure that’s not how bullying works, ya piece of shit.
Basically any plan of vengeance against Olivia has backfired completely, because every time someone I don’t recognize yells at her all I can think is WHO ARE YOU. Were you ON the show or are you like, a lighting woman yelling at Olivia? Also I fucking hate the twins and want them to, in Leah’s words, get over it.
Olivia says she’s sowwy, guys. Not a single betch apologizes to her for ripping apart her body on national television, so that’s nice. Way to keep it classy, ladies.
Caila sits with Chris and has to watch her breakup with Ben, which when you think about it happened very recently. She misses him, and Lauren H. obviously feels all of the feels about it:
It’s time for Ben to face his outer demons (yup, I just called them that) and I bet he’s sweating through his suit. Chris also mentions that because Ben said I love you to two women, he’s already Fucked with a capital F.
The girls get to ask him “closure questions” and Jubilee needs to know why when he dumped her he didn’t give her another chance like how he gave Caila or JoJo anther chance when they weren’t opening up? That might not have been what she was asking but she said SO MANY WORDS before she got to an actual question that Ben and my eyes are completely glazed over.
It’s Amanda’s turn and she’s just like Ben, you’re great, keep doin you, pal. It is so silly and fabulous. Chris asks if Ben can tell the twins apart and I am THE MOST sad when he gets them right. I would call up Time Warner and let them charge me $29.99 to watch him get that wrong.
We’re onto the blooper reel, and I am giggling through this entire thing. Who doesn’t love a blooper reel? All I want to do for the rest of my life is watch people swat at bugs and trip down stairs. They also show Becca in the middle of a serious conversation where she calls Ben Chris, as in Chris Soules from last season. HA! Finally a non-boring moment from Becca.
Chris Harrison sums up the night by saying how much America has loved Ben and how he’s, “on the Rushmore” as far as top bachelor dudes go and it’s like Jesus, Chris, suck his dick already.
We get a preview of next week’s finale, and here is what Ben’s mom thinks about all this in-love-with-two-women drama:
Tune in next Monday for the THREE HOUR live event (my bedtime is going to get completely blown out of the water). Here’s what I’ll be doing as I watch… stuffing my god damn face:
Read last week’s fantasy suite recap here.
Check out more of my recaps here.
The Bachelor Recap: “There’s Our Boyfriend.”
This season is really starting to hit its stride, and as usual there are a few girls trudging behind the pack like that one slow ass rhino in Jumanji.
We head to Vegas, where JoJo gets the first date card. Olivia acts like she’s cool as a fucking cucumber about it because she’s, “Zen with Ben,” but you and I both know she is starting to crack and is probably giving herself pep talks in the mirror. (That mirror, she will later realize, is actually a houseplant.)
A helicopter comes to pick up Ben and JoJo and it blows her away! No literally. It smashes their champagne and everything goes flying.
Back at the hotel they read the names on the group date card and that shit goes on FOREVERRRRR. The only way it could possibly sound more like a list of the top 50 baby names of 2015 would be if one of them was named Madison.
On the date, they are all going to be in a talent show. Ahh, yes. I have a feeling some of these ladies are talent-LESS and that’s going to make it MUY INTERESANTE.
Olivia goes on and on about this secret talent she has planned and everyone including me is over it. Is she going to shoot ping pong balls out of her pussy or something? Whatever it is, she is taking it 100% too seriously.
Now. When I say her cake-strip-tease is awkward, I mean it is very, very awkward. Let me tell you something. If you ever have to get on stage in front of people and think to yourself, “I’m just going to wing it,” that shit NEVER WORKS.
After the talent show Caila and Ben make out and he calls her a SEX PANTHER, which makes me giggle. (She does kiss very aggressively so, perhaps he has a point.) What does NOT make me giggle, is Lauren H. kissing the ventriloquist doll.
Olivia, you should be feeling pretty fucking good at this point because watching Lauren kiss this doll is BY FAR one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen in my entire life and I’ve basically forgotten about your panic attack .
But Olivia HAS NOT forgotten about her panic attack. She has to talk to Ben. She HAS to explain why the fuck she jumped out of a god damn cake in front of 1,200 people. But Ben’s eyes are glazing over as if he’s using all of his brain power to subdue the boner that’s still lurking in his pants from ol’ Sex Panther Caila.
For Becca’s one on one date she gets sent a wedding dress and these thirsty bitches are soooo jealous. She meets him at a chapel and he pretends to propose to her, which is supposed to be cute except you can see on her face that home girl is TRIPPING OUT about it and def DOES NOT want to marry Ben. Look at her eyes. Sheer terror.
For their date Ben officiates weddings, and as I watch all of these adorable, normal couples get married I just keep smoking more and more weed and thinking to myself wow, I am going to be SO HAPPY on my wedding day. (I also ate four tacos during this time. I lead a rich life.)
Back at the hotel, I can’t tell if the girls are starting to get tired of all this bullshit or not.
We think there’s a rose ceremony soon but hot damn, Ben wants to go on a 2-on-1 date with the TWINS!! This is crazy. I get it, they share a car, have the same job… it’s a little creeps and he’s got to pick one. (Now I am wondering what their actual job is, since under the employment section all it says is, “Twin.”)
He goes to their house, which is full of overweight dachshunds and photos of Haley’s ex-boyfriend. Subsequently, Haley is gone.
It’s finally time for the rose ceremony and I’m wondering how many goddamn cocktail dresses these girls have to bring on this show. So many dresses!! Olivia has another conversation with Ben where he stares blankly at her, having no idea what she’s talking about. He then talks to Jubilee and she is the fucking best. She is a bad bitch and I love her for it.
Olivia isn’t worried about not getting a rose because, “I read a lot of romance novels where things just come together.” Of course she reads romance novels. Of course.
Rachel (“Who?” –You) and Amber get kicked off and Amber is fucking mad about it. As soon as she starts walking away I say to my boyfriend, “She is so ready to take those heels off-” And as soon as the words leave my mouth she takes those damn heels off. Girls, amiright? We get each other.
Next week we’re off to Mexico, where Olivia tells Amanda she’s like a bad episode of Teen Mom or something? Not sure. Gonna be weird.
Check out more of my recaps here.
The Bachelor Recap: “I’ve Never Been This Turned On In A High School Before”
I hope there are litter boxes in the mansion, ’cause things are starting to get reeeeal catty.
The population of a small country goes on the first group date with Ben, where they go to a fictional high school to do different challenges. Thankfully they don’t take them to a college campus because half these girls would be going, “Where are we? What is this??”
Chris Harrison comes out to explain what the shit is going on, except we can’t call him Chris anymore, we have to call him MR.HARRISON because he’s dressed like what every Hollywood stylist pictures when a producer tells them “he needs to look like a teacher.”
They have to make Ben’s volcano explode, which I at first think is a reference to some kind of science experiment but then they put on safety goggles and it’s like ohhh they’re talking about his penis.
They also have to put the state of Indiana onto a blank map of the United States and it’s at this point that I hold my legs tight to my chest and let out a slow, creepy grin. This is going to be GOOD. And you know what? It is.
Can you even keep someone who thinks this is the direction Indiana faces? Play the virgin card all you want, Becca. From now on the only thing I will remember about you is that you thought Indiana went sideways.
Ben’s chilling with the girls after their very embarrassing geography lesson and he kisses Jennifer! And then she blabs to all the other girls about it and they start to stew like little chunks of beef. (“A stew joke? Like, a joke about stew??” –All of you to me)
The next date card arrives at the house and I can’t tell if Olivia is excited about it.
But then Caila gets the date card.
Back on the group date Lace is freaking the FUCK OUT that Ben won’t notice her (which is how all the clothes in the back half of my closet feel), so she starts rambling to him about a photograph or something? I’m gonna just sit here and eat raspberries instead of try to decipher what the hell she is talking about.
Jubilee interrupts her to talk to Ben, which is customary in the Land of Bach. But Lace CANNOT BELIEVE that Jubilee would do that to her, OF ALL PEOPLE. Bitch, you met this person yesterday. Of course she would do that to you.
After kissing Jubilee, Ben is now kissing JoJo on top of a helicopter pad. How many times do you think Ben masturbated when he got back to his hotel that night? Can you really be making out with smokin’ hot girls all night and then just fall asleep to an episode of The First 48? I don’t think so.
On Caila’s date, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube come to Ride Along (in theaters January 15th!!) with them and Kevin Hart keeps talking to Ben while standing on very tall steps so we won’t notice that he is literally over a foot shorter than Ben.
They drive around and then get into a hot tub in a hot tub store.
On the final group date, the girls go to a “love science lab”. That shit better be completely made up because if it isn’t, everyone at that company should be arrested for fraud. Ben smells the girls for some kind of “test” and says Samantha’s scent is sour. YIKES with a capital Y. The only thing that would’ve been worse is if he’d said rotten tuna.
In a “temperature lab” (again not a real lab, there is no reason anyone needs to be wearing lab coats), Ben and Olivia get real close and she can’t understand why they don’t just bone right then and there. It’s starting to turn into some kind of strange Tron Porn.
Amanda tells Ben that she has kids, but that doesn’t stop Ben from giving the rose to Olivia because as Patti Stanger would say, the penis does the picking. Ain’t that always the way. Also Ben is wearing a sport jacket over a hoodie, which makes me tilt my head to the side like a dog listening to a very high pitched whistle.
Olivia is being cocky AS SHIT about the rose and is already calling herself Olivia Higgins and saying that the show can be over now. Ladies, we’ve got a new villain on our hands.
At the cocktail party Lace talks to Ben again and with every passing syllable is digging herself a deeper and deeper grave. My soulless ass is actually starting to feel bad for her because it’s like EEEEEEE stop talking!!
One of the twins says that this is “a lot more different” than she thought it would be, so my impression of her was pretty spot on. Meanwhile Ben is giving out trinkets like he’s pushing a goddamn cart. A photo, a blue ribbon, some barrettes for Amanda’s daughters.
Amanda cries at how sweet the gesture is but honestly, someone in a headset probably handed him those things and was like, “Here, go make barrettes for her kids” and he was like, “What’s a barrette, one of those training bras??” “No, that’s a BRAlette.”
LB leaves during the ceremony after getting a rose, which is fine because I have no idea who she is and the faster we can get to the total meltdowns of at least five to eight girls, the better. They’re starting to unravel already and Ben seems to be taking it well.
Next week we got some drama with Jubilee, but I would not fuck with her because she’s probably killed a man. Just saying.
Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.
Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “He’s the worst sorta guy.”
WELL. This season has had more twists and turns than Riddler’s Revenge! (It’s a roller coaster. I couldn’t think of anything better.)
Thank God Tanner’s here to recap us on all the Ashley I-Jared-Jaclyn drama as suspense thriller music plays in the background. They don’t have access to knives in paradise, right?
Ashley I. and Jared have their fantasy suite date and ABC is pretty ON THE NOSE about this virginity shit, as evident by the actual cherries they put in her champagne glass. All she wants is for “everything to be easy” which if we’re talking losing your v-card is a HILARIOUS thing to say. Girl, it’s not going to be.
Back in paradise they’re having a mimosa party (aka what I call Saturdays spent alone in my apartment), and Jorge the Bartender tells Juelia that Mikey is a “man of his word.” Cute, Jorge. Real cute.
It turns out Mikey only wants to be friends with Juelia, so she decides to leave and promptly RUNS around the whole beach shouting goodbye as if her flight is already boarding. The girls are sad because Juelia came here to “find a father for her child.” I’m no Fulbright Scholar, but I’m pretty sure Bachelor in Paradise is not the best place to find a dad for your kid. As usual, I am right.
Jaclyn’s ass gets blurred for basically the whole day, even while she says that Dan has a TINY PERSONALITY. HA! Tiny is a word no man wants to ever be described as, under any circumstances. She thinks that Justin is the “hot ticket in town” and I want to ask her if she has time traveled from some far away land where people say phrases like “hot ticket in town.”
Cassandra arrives and Tiny Personality Dan is butt hurt about how many dates Justin is getting. I bet Justin has a big, thick personality. Jaclyn is salty as shit when Justin revokes his acceptance of her date card and instead wants to go on a date with Cassandra. Really he just wants to get a better look at her boobies.
Now Nick wants Jaclyn’s date card so he can ask Samantha on a date. Except he once conned her out of $250,000 on Bachelor Pad?? I do NOT understand why Jaclyn gives him the date because had that been me I would have laughed VERY HARD in his face and told him to go fuck himself.
Justin and Cassandra fall in love immediately on their date, which is not what happens on Nick and Samantha’s date. But first let’s remember that all the girls hate Samantha and that even though she’s “stunning,” her personality is “terrible.” Get your shit together, ladies. She’s hot and everybody wants her. The end.
Back from their fantasy suite, Ashley I. had an amazing time watching Jared sleep and is now in love with him. Jump cut to Jared saying he’s going to break up with her again and doesn’t think she’s going to take it well. NO, Ashley I?? She’s going to take it SO WELL.
He dumps her while she’s wearing an I’M A KIM tank top which I know is a reference to the Kardashians but I wish she was saying she is part of the Kim family from Gilmore Girls and her mom runs an antique shop. Anyway Jared leaves.
Okay so back to this awkward ass date with Nick and Samantha. They have literally only walked thirty feet on their date and he’s already like, “This is the best date I’ve ever been on” to which she replies, “I’m glad you feel that way already.” ALREADY. Because in her head she’s going um, dude, chill the fuck out.
Chef Josephina flew ALL THE WAY from Mexico City for their date. That’s like me saying I flew ALL THE WAY to Vegas from LA. It’s like, an hour flight. Also Nick thinks that time with Samantha is worth $250,000 and it’s at this point I realize none of these people have jobs and therefore have no idea what money is.
Their conversation is going incredibly well (sense my sarcasm) as Samantha talks about how she doesn’t know who will get roses. She is obviously bored to fucking death and literally WINCES when he kisses her. Television gold.
There will be no cocktail party tonight, and I know Chris Harrison just LOVES dropping those Bachelor bombs. Ashley I. talks about something called a whimsical attachment and now all I’m thinking about is how much I would crush the hell out of some cotton candy right now.
Ashley I. leaves, but not after saying that she “grew up here.” I can’t tell if she’s joking or not, but she immediately sobs her eyes out and calls her sister. Her sister asks if she was in love with Jared and she goes, “No but like, close enough” which is all the proof I need that she has not, in fact, grown up here.
Tiny Personality Dan gives every girl he’s ever talked to some sort of closure speech before leaving without giving out his rose. So now it’s down to Mikey!! Who would have thought. He gives it to Mackenzie, she says no, so now this episode has turned into the Red Wedding in Game of Thrones, because almost everybody is donzo.
Now it’s only couples in paradise, SERIOUS COUPLES, and Chris Harrison tells everybody to meet him in the palapa?? What the fuck is that. Well, let me tell you what it is because I happen to have an AMAZING INTERNET CONNECTION and turns out those little beach huts in the Corona commercials are called palapas. The next time you’re killing it on Jeopardy be sure to write me a thank you note.
Chris explains that they each get a fantasy suite date, and there is no way in hell Sam is stoked on this. With Nick? Ugh. But suddenly we cut to a confessional of Kirk saying he’s been really in his head lately and we all know that means he’s done, he’s out, and this is going to be bad news bears for cruise ship singer Carly.
He asks to talk to Carly and Tenley gets nervous. Tenley, you’ve got good instincts, I’ll give you that. On the way to their talk Carly goes, “Are you breaking up with me?” and he shushes her and she laughs. Because SHE IS JOKING and doesn’t see this coming. Here is her face as she starts to put it together:
And now, I will give Carly the same props I have given many a time to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. As soon as he starts breaking up with her she just goes, “Okay.” Yes, girl, werk. Fucking shut him down. Kirk keeps saying dumb ass shit (“Like I, like I respect you” -one of the gems)
He is now confused as SHIT that she won’t talk to him and just wants to GTFO of paradise. He keeps asking what happened and it’s like you broke up with her, remember? It JUST happened, you couldn’t have forgotten already.
Jade is sobbing, which now makes me wonder if I’m not a good enough friend to my girlfriends. Am I supposed to cry when they get dumped? I usually just start pourin’ the drank.
Carly continues to fucking dominate this breakup by not letting him talk to her, telling him not to touch her, and saying that she doesn’t even know his face anymore. He is like STILL CONFUSED about what’s happening and it’s like bro, not all females beg and plead to get back with dudes. Some of us are just like wow, I gotta go, I have a plane to catch.
Tonight is the SEASON FINALE and I don’t know what’s going to happen but I’m putting money on Tanner proposing to Jade. He knows a good thing when he sees it.
Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.
Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “I’m on a boat!”
Like a fine wine that was opened weeks ago and has been sitting in my fridge ever since, Bachelor in Paradise leaves a weird taste in my mouth. Also it makes me feel warm inside. And kinda sexy!
Juelia immediately gets stung by a jellyfish, so before the opening credits even roll we see Tenley pee on her foot. Okay we don’t SEE it, but Tenley does ask if it feels good so use your imagination.
Chelsie invites Nick on her date, so Nick needs to talk to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. (Apparently she has been yelling at everyone lately but I’m sure they deserved it!!) He finds her but she is like, washing her face, bro. This is one of the sacred moments in a woman’s day and he is shitting all over it with his “Hey, you got a minute to talk?” crap.
Nick then tells her that she SMELLS LIKE A BREWERY. Wow, super sweet of you. He expands and says he doesn’t feel a romantic connection, so my girl does what she does best. She lets him know what’s up. Without skipping a beat she looks straight at him and says, “I feel the same way.” BOOM. Bye Nick, you’re boring. She might be upset on the inside but I am LOVING how she just crushes it to his face. Ladies, if a guy ever dumps you take a page from my #1 BAD BITCH and immediately shut it down. (Somewhere far, far away Ginger Spice is yelling “Girl Power!!” with both fists in the air.)
Mackenzie shows up and I am immediately reminded that she believes in aliens and Chris Soules was like whaaa?? when she started talking about it on his season. She’s even wearing an alien sticker to remind us of her beliefs.
Chelsie and Nick go on their date “ON A BOAT!” and it’s basically a snoozefest until Nick starts talking about Sam. First he tried to talk to a girl while she was washing her fucking face, now he’s talking about another girl while on a date. Jesus Christ, Nick, get your shit together.
Mackenzie’s date card says something about seeing a future, so she IMMEDIATELY goes to aliens. Pretty sure if the date card said, “You’re going to a pottery class and then to dinner” she’d say ALIENS!! It’s just her first response to everything. Also Ashley I. tells her that if she talked to Mikey she probably “wouldn’t naturally pick him” which is a fucking READ if I’ve ever heard one.
DUN DUN DUNNNN…. Jaclyn walks into paradise and “I knew you were trouble when you walked in…” starts blasting in my head. She doesn’t care who’s single and just KNOWS all these boys are bored of their pieces and are ready for some new ass. What I’m not sure they’re ready for is someone wearing a Beetlejuice romper. (Yes, I’m throwing shade.)
Mackenzie and Justin go on their date and she’s still trying to figure out what this “future” shit is. She’s thinking stars, which if I’m being honest is the opposite of the future. Aren’t stars a look into the past? Science is weird.
A shaman dude speaks Spanish to them and thankfully I follow. They’re both confused as fuck while he says things like, “A big surprise!” They still aren’t getting it when he says “Se quitan la ropa,” which I immediately know means take off your clothes. Yeah, I’m cultured AND classy.
Mackenzie, Justin, and Justin’s bulge put mud on each other and Mackenzie doesn’t know what a circle is. Also they have ropes tied around their necks and given the level of awkward this date is, I’m guessing finding a tall tree branch doesn’t sound half bad right now. (Was that too dark?)
Apparently they’re married and Mackenzie is STOKED!!! Justin starts to freak out about how STOKED!!! Mackenzie is but can you really be taken seriously in a flower crown? No.
Once Mackenzie solves the mystery of if their kids would be Mexican (they would not), the drama is back on Jaclyn. To her credit, she spits some truth when she says, “Might as well call this Kaitlyn’s Rejects.” (Some producer is going “That was MY idea!!”)
Jaclyn has heard SUCH good things about Jared, and Ashley I. immediately starts to panic. I see the fabric that is her soul unraveling and she does the exact right thing when this happens which is she FINDS. CHRIS. HARRISON. She finds Chris Harrison in a flannel, more specifically.
Jaclyn rolls her eyes as Jared tells her about the Divergent-trilogy-length letter Ashley I. wrote him last night. Yes, the letter is super silly. But Jaclyn, honey, in the words of Countess Luann De Lesseps, you are breaking girl code. (You guys following? I jumped franchises here so stick close and you won’t get lost.)
Ashley I. has the timing of time.gov (look it up), because that shit is PERFECT. Right as Jaclyn asks Jared if he would go on a date with her Ashley swoops the fuck in with a fantasy suite card that she found/begged Chris Harrison for. I don’t hate it, Ash. Girl’s got focus. Here is Jaclyn’s face as this shit goes down:
Jaclyn promptly eats a handful of sour grapes and reminds viewers that “no guy at this age wants to take anyone’s virginity.” Um, have you been on the internet? I beg to differ. Ashley says she would like to “do stuff with Jared” and I’m hoping she means sex.
Next week will be the real kicker, and also the finale. Yikes! Time flies when you’re having a lot of mixed emotions. We’ll find out if Jared laid down that D on Ashley and I personally cannot wait. Timer is officially set on my phone, except that it isn’t because you can only set your timer for 24 hours. Shit.
BONUS FOOTAGE: Ashley I. taking out her extensions and combing them with a fork.
Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.
Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Karma’s a bitch”
I can only imagine the complete shit show my life would be if I was trapped in an open bar for two months. They should show vomiting footage. I know they have it.
So everyone’s really coupling up now, except Ashley I. who ever since getting the shaft from Jared CANNOT stop crying. Like, cannot. Also she is losing fake nails by the second and now her manicure looks like Britney’s circa 2008. (Everything about Britney is PERFECT this is just an EXAMPLE.)
Ashley is so heart broken that she is going to be ruined, “for like, ever.” I totally understand because one time I kissed a boy twice and never recovered from it. Oh wait, that didn’t happen. Pull it together.
Mikey and Juelia go on a date, which is cute but here we are again getting into a plane with a PROPELLER. I don’t care where you’re taking me, I can’t stress enough that I will never get into a vessel that shoots you INTO THE AIR, powered by what I assume is a pulley cord system. Not happening.
While they’re on said death trap, Juelia sits on Mikey’s lap and I’m going “YOU HAVE TO DISTRIBUTE THE WEIGHT.” This is not a commercial airliner. You have to keep the sides even. (Can you tell I’m SUPER CHILL on planes? The chillest.)
Back on the beach Sam and Joe finally talk and Joe says something about exceeding “exceptations,” which you may have noticed is not a word. My spellcheck is going nutso on it right now. Basically Sam has woven a “spider web of deceit” which to me is like, not THAT big of a deal. (You know what is a big deal? An actual spider web. Fuck those things.)
Carly and Kirk go fishing, which is not something I totally understand because I didn’t think you could go fishing in the ocean? I mean I get that there are fish in the ocean (DUH) but you don’t see people standing in the surf with fishing rods. So I’m not really following but they’re going to get married so it’s fine.
Back in central Mexico Juelia is hoping that maybe her date with Mikey will include “dancing under the stars,” but really they go see lucha libre wrestling. It’s kind of the same thing, except not.
After their night of beer and masks they get a fantasy suite card and Juelia asks if Mikey would be comfortable spending the night in her room. We are talking about the same Mikey whose favorite yoga pose is Downward Clare, right? Yaaa. I think he’s comfortable with it.
At this point Ashley I. and Joe start to commiserate over their mutual case of the sadsies, and Ashley gives out dating advice. Take it with a grain of salt, buddy. She tells him to walk up to Sam and say, “Hey I’m Joe, I think you’re really pretty.” UMM, how about you don’t do that. “Hey I’m Joe” is eh at best. But this is Sam we’re talking about. She KNOWS she’s really pretty. That’s why she’s such a crazy bitch.
While Ashley and Joe share s’mores (shout out to s’mores, keep doing you) new guy Justin gets to Paradise. Justin didn’t have a lot of airtime on Kaitlyn’s season so all I can do is rub my chin and say Hmmm. HMMMM. You are a mystery to me, man who looks like a living Ken doll. A mystery indeed.
Of course the second he gets there he sits with Sam and gets “lost in her eyes” which is such a fucking terrible thing to say. Just tell her she has beautiful eyes, don’t say that cheesy shit you saw in a movie. He also says that she is a great “conversator,” which again you smart kiddos will catch is not an actual word. (My spellcheck can’t even handle this recap right now. Spellcheck and I are forever bonded in a ??? over this episode.)
Right as the Sam drama is starting to die down (I’m kidding, it’s never going to end), Dan comes out of nowhere with a giant wooden spoon ready to stir the pot. He doesn’t want her to go on a date with Justin not because of ol’ Sad Joe, but because he “wants to get to know her better.” OOOoooo, I’m gonna tell Amber!! I’m so gonna tell her. Shit is goin’ down next week. I can FEEL IT.
We wrap it up with sweet, sweet Mikey. You know what he doesn’t like? Bugs. Sand. Salt water. Sometimes rain. He is officially the Lennie to my Of Mice and Men, and god dammit if I don’t love him for it.
Do you think someone is going to cry next week? Do you think someone is going to get horribly sunburned? Stay tuned.
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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Villains Gonna Vill”
This shit is getting more complicated than my beauty regimen, which let me tell you has SEVERAL moving parts.
Four seconds in, Juelia tells Sam about Joe’s sneaky ass behavior. Except she says that Joe asked her on a date “right away.” Love ya girl, but no. Not how that shit went down. Remember when he was like, “I don’t give a shit who wants to go on this date with me, I’ll take anyone, who wants to ride horses?” And you were like, “I like to ride horses, Joe.” Sorry boo, but my memory is crystal fucking clear on this.
Anyway Sam thinks this is a “little too much drama” even though she’s the one who’s been plotting with Joe since the dawn of time. (Tanner has SEEN THE SCREEN GRABS.)
So Joe and Sam have this super, top secret conversation where they completely forget they have their fucking mic packs on. Sam sees a cameraman and keeps whispering and I’m going, “BITCH YOUR MICROPHONE IS ON.” They intercut this heavily-subtitled conversation with Sam’s most recent interview, which they play in a dark vignette as visual proof that she is a goddamn liar.
We switch gears as Amber shows up to the house, super excited to date Dan and hang out with her BFF Ashley S. (Cue a producer rubbing their hands together, eyes turning black.) Amber asks Dan on a date and he says yes but needs to talk to Ashley S. about it.
Except that when you talk to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S, she takes no prisoners. She looks straight at him and says, “You’re such a man, but you couldn’t be a man to me.” Bye Dan, your balls just got chopped off and she’s about to throw them into the fucking sand. Also she can tell that one of the birds is blind so she is obviously a sorcerer.
Meanwhile JJ and Megan go on their date and it’s boring and they’re on a boat. Megan says some cheesy ass line about how this is the quickest she’s gotten wet on a date and it’s like HA GOOD ONE.
On Amber and Dan’s date, the townspeople of Puerto Vallarta demand they kiss and I start to panic about the mob mentality of the world. Amber has to walk no fewer than four miles in wedges until they’re finally at some tiny dinner table that I’m pretty sure they could have put a little closer to where they were earlier.
Amber admits that when she’s home watching hot pieces get out of The Bachelorette limos (noshing on some kind of delicious snack, I hope), she marks down the ones she wants to bone by putting a star next to their name. That’s like me telling you guys that while I sit in traffic I talk to myself and pretend I’m being interviewed on the radio. I would never tell you that, it is embarrassing and between me and God. Apparently Dan is a DOUBLE STAR, which is like me telling you I also pretend I’m being interviewed while I put on my makeup. It’s like, not helping.
It’s time for the big bro-down (showdown of bros), where Joe is finna get his ass handed to him. The guys confront him and Joe keeps talking about digging up dead bodies. Somewhere in his pathetic attempt at explaining himself we learn that before everyone goes on the show they submit a list of people they’d like to see in paradise to the producers. Innnnnteresting.
Joe’s list was SAM, SAMANTHA, SAMANTHA FROM CHRIS’ SEASON, SAM. JJ’s had 8 people. I would like to be a fly on the wall in the meeting where someone at ABC takes their headshots and slides them around trying to decide who’s arriving next to BREAK THE HEARTS of the people already there. “Yes! She’ll be basically suicidal at that point. Should we take a coffee break?”
Now Joe and JJ talk with their faces very close to each other. Joe is still a fucking pussy so they don’t fight.
What does happen is JJ says that Joe is a circular reference, which is some complex shit for a hockey player. Jared (been missin’ you, buddy!) caps us off with, “Joe Bailey, from America’s Sweetheart to America’s Most Wanted. One week flat.” You been writing taglines on the side, bro? That shit was fire.
Next week promises more fun in the sun, and by fun I mean tears. What an incredible journey so far!!
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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “This isn’t church camp.”
I’ve always said that Bachelor in Paradise contestants are like good martinis: (emotionally) shaken, not stirred. And extra dirty.
We start by “introducing… Jorge the bartender!” Yes, the ringleader of their drunken all-inclusive sex fest is officially part of the opening credits. Good for him! It’s not like any of these stingy broads are throwing singles in the tip jar so I’m glad he’s getting some air time. (I assume he’s repped by CAA.)
Because last week was TO BE CONTINUED… lets CONTINUE. Clare wants to leave but doesn’t want to “walk away,” which is weird because any time I’ve ever left anywhere it was by walking away. (Except one time when I was on a scooter and it was fucking awesome.)
Joe gets Juelia’s rose and we say goodbye to Mikey (RIP top ponytail), Jonathan (RIP yellow sunglasses), and Michael (RIP who gives a shit). Although I recognize that Joe is an asshole, Juelia needs to put these pieces together a little fucking faster. She’s all, “he can’t wait to spend more time with me” and I’m all, “I never want you on my detective team.” (Currently taking applications via Twitter.)
Also Joe says “rose before bros” so I don’t know why Juelia is still sad. She should be mortified she kissed someone who would say that.
What’s awesome is that SAM IS HERE. And Chris Harrison acknowledges that she spoke zero words on Chris’ season and I love him for that. Thank you for keeping it 100, Chris!
Joe and Samantha hold hands immediately, so now everyone is confused and thinks that maybe they’ve talked before and were expecting to see each other here. Oh really, dumb fucks? You thought Joe was just randomly saying “I CAN’T WAIT FOR SAMANTHA TO GET HERE” when he didn’t know she was coming? He knew, guys. He knew.
They’re so hot and heavy that Sam is basically already pregnant with a baby who has long acrylic nails and a thick ass Southern accent. Their date is a photo shoot and Joe’s proud of his dad body even though he definitely shouldn’t be. If I have to sweat my ass off at pilates then guess what? I’m not into your dad bod. The day you stop judging me for ordering gnocchi is the day you can embrace your soft, stupid stomach.
Joe doesn’t really get that the dudes in the house are mad at him so he offers Jared a shrimp quesadilla. Don’t know why I’m including that here, but it feels important.
Also during the course of Joe vs Bros things like, “You’re not villing” are said, which I think is a reference to the word villain and if so I hope you all die in a fire.
Clare makes another appearance when she has a phone conversation with a raccoon. The editors need to chill out with this shit because I bet at least 50% of the (dope-ass) hoes watching this show legit think she is on the phone with a raccoon. It’s editing, guys. She’s talking to her mom.
Also Carly is HORNY. Like, gross horny. They try to make this an interesting storyline where Kirk might dump her but then doesn’t. It is not interesting and they remain the ultimate snoozeville couple. Also he calls her a “pinball machine” and I don’t know what that means.
Jorge the Bartender and Ashley S. talk about Dan and it is perfection. Sadly Dan sees some “red flags” in Ashley but never actually says what the red flags are so I can only assume it’s that she squeezes the toothpaste tube instead of neatly rolling it up.
He talks to her about it and while her glasses make her look like a sexy librarian, it turns out she is actually a BAD BITCH, y’all. Girl takes ZERO bullshit and is like, “Hey man if you’re out, I’m out.” Which is the #1 bad bitch move of the century. No drama, no crying, just bye, I’ve got shit to do.
Megan shows up in Paradise and I almost forgot how dumb she is. Don’t worry, she reminds us with a big, “ALOHA, MEXICO!!” She also calls a sombrero a so-brero and it makes me sad.
Joe finally admits that before going on the show he talked to Sam on social media, texts, phone calls, telegrams, webcams, snail mail, and walkie-talkie. Plus they passed notes in class. People are still like what?!?! Even though it’s the simplest thing in the world and I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.
Juelia threatens the shit out of Joe and says she’s going to tell Sam about what Joe did to her. This won’t make a difference in Joe and Sam’s relationship because anyone who’s ever dated a man knows the first thing Joe will say is, “It was all for you” and Sam’ll be like OKAY! And it will be totally fine.
Also the second Juelia says she’s going to tell Sam, Joe starts apologizing like a fucking pussy. Quietly backing out of that shit like he just walked in on his parents having sex and they haven’t noticed him yet.
It took Ashley I. five episodes not to sob like a motherfucker and I have to say I really, really missed it. Can we get back to that? That was fun.
Already mentally ordering Indian food and pouring rosé for tonight’s fiesta…
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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Huh?”
Bachelor in Paradise? More like Bachelor in Dramaville, amiright?! Sorry. That was bad. I’ll go sit in the corner.
We start off with Mikey saying that Clare is his beard. I’m going to go out on a limb here: based on Mikey’s general comprehension skills, he has no fucking clue what a beard is. Pret-ty sure he didn’t mean to tell millions of people that he was hanging with Clare to cover up the fact that he’s gay.
Clare finally goes on her date with Jared and I am super stoked about it, mostly because I know it will make Ashley I. cry as she repeats over and over, “It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. You’re Jasmine.”
They’re supposed to bungee jump but Clare is scared and crying (Scared and Crying would be a PHENOMENAL spinoff of Naked and Afraid). But then Jared kisses her and they jump and it’s cute as shit. What isn’t so cute is when they have to paint in her purple bikini bottoms because her actual bikini bottoms are nowhere to be found. Movie magic at its finest. Someone went to film school for this.
Clare gets home and describes their date in VERY LOUD DETAIL so Ashley I. can hear and as predicted, she sobs in her room.
Some guy named Michael arrives and I’m going to be honest with you I have no idea who he is. But he can’t wait to meet Tenley because to him she is an Elevenly. I immediately hate him.
Before Michael goes on his date with Tenley, Joshua wishes diarrhea on him. This is an excellent use of a wish, and I personally wish diarrhea on anyone who’s ever broken Britney Spears’ heart. (That statement is ON the record.)
Meanwhile Jared is royally fucking up with Clare. And by royally fucking up I mean he’s pacing around the sand saying things like, “You’re 8 years older than me… but you look great.” Guess who’s having none of that? Clare Motherfucking Crawley. She is outta that sitch faster than Kim Richards with a cart full of Target toys.
So Tenley and Michael (no diarrhea yet) go on a date, where 10,000 mariachi musicians circle around them like iRobots and I immediately think, “TENLEY THEY’RE GOING TO KILL YOU.” They don’t, so she is still alive. Also: did Michael tip every single one of them? (I assume they stood around staring at him until he let out a big SIGH and reached into his pocket.)
All right fine, let’s get into this Joe shit. Joe is a SNAKE, as evident by the fact that literally every single time they show Joe talking they immediately cut to an actual snake.
Anyway Joe hates Juelia, Mikey and Jonathan hate Joe for using Juelia, and Joe hates Mikey and Jonathan for telling Juelia that Joe is using Juelia. Fun! Here is the point where Joe (drunk as shit on Jack and Cokes) threatens to beat the guys “to a pulp” with “brass knuckles” which is first of all an insane thing to say and also definitely not true. For as dumb as Mikey is, he would beat the absolute fuck out of scrawny ol’ Joe.
It should be noted that at some point during all of this turmoil Ashley S. goes, “Huh?” and it is perfect and she is perfect and I love her.
So now Jonathan is crying. Like, HARD. He can’t keep it together and it is the most awkward moment of my entire life. Please stop crying, Jonathan. Please. The hairs are sticking up on my arms. That is how uncomfortable I am.
Meanwhile Clare is bitter as hell that she will never find love and it’s like girl, calm down. You’re going to be on nine more seasons of this shit so eventually you will get someone to like you. Probably.
Right before the rose ceremony she gives a super weird impromptu speech and everyone is kind of like, “thefuck?” And then we hear the first words out of Jade’s mouth in like three episodes and she lays it the fuck down. She takes offense to that, Clare! She takes. Offense.
We get started on the roses and I am PUMPED ABOUT IT. And then basically the worst thing imaginable happens, which is that they put a big “To be continued…” on the screen before we get to any of the good roses. (Nobody cares that Carly gave her rose to Kirk!!) As soon as the words pop up on the screen I shout, “OH MY GOD.”
I guess the execs at ABC finally took that seminar on cliff-hangers and how they work like a god damn charm, because ever since Kaitlyn’s season these rose ceremonies are taking place at weird points in the episodes. You got me, shitheads! Waiting patiently and sticking my Joe voodoo doll with needles until Sunday…
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