Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “I’m on a boat!”

September 1, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

Like a fine wine that was opened weeks ago and has been sitting in my fridge ever since, Bachelor in Paradise leaves a weird taste in my mouth. Also it makes me feel warm inside. And kinda sexy!

Juelia immediately gets stung by a jellyfish, so before the opening credits even roll we see Tenley pee on her foot. Okay we don’t SEE it, but Tenley does ask if it feels good so use your imagination.

Chelsie invites Nick on her date, so Nick needs to talk to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. (Apparently she has been yelling at everyone lately but I’m sure they deserved it!!) He finds her but she is like, washing her face, bro. This is one of the sacred moments in a woman’s day and he is shitting all over it with his “Hey, you got a minute to talk?” crap.

Nick then tells her that she SMELLS LIKE A BREWERY. Wow, super sweet of you. He expands and says he doesn’t feel a romantic connection, so my girl does what she does best. She lets him know what’s up. Without skipping a beat she looks straight at him and says, “I feel the same way.” BOOM. Bye Nick, you’re boring. She might be upset on the inside but I am LOVING how she just crushes it to his face. Ladies, if a guy ever dumps you take a page from my #1 BAD BITCH and immediately shut it down. (Somewhere far, far away Ginger Spice is yelling “Girl Power!!” with both fists in the air.)

Mackenzie shows up and I am immediately reminded that she believes in aliens and Chris Soules was like whaaa?? when she started talking about it on his season. She’s even wearing an alien sticker to remind us of her beliefs.

Chelsie and Nick go on their date “ON A BOAT!” and it’s basically a snoozefest until Nick starts talking about Sam. First he tried to talk to a girl while she was washing her fucking face, now he’s talking about another girl while on a date. Jesus Christ, Nick, get your shit together.

Mackenzie’s date card says something about seeing a future, so she IMMEDIATELY goes to aliens. Pretty sure if the date card said, “You’re going to a pottery class and then to dinner” she’d say ALIENS!! It’s just her first response to everything. Also Ashley I. tells her that if she talked to Mikey she probably “wouldn’t naturally pick him” which is a fucking READ if I’ve ever heard one.

DUN DUN DUNNNN…. Jaclyn walks into paradise and “I knew you were trouble when you walked in…” starts blasting in my head. She doesn’t care who’s single and just KNOWS all these boys are bored of their pieces and are ready for some new ass. What I’m not sure they’re ready for is someone wearing a Beetlejuice romper. (Yes, I’m throwing shade.)

Mackenzie and Justin go on their date and she’s still trying to figure out what this “future” shit is. She’s thinking stars, which if I’m being honest is the opposite of the future. Aren’t stars a look into the past? Science is weird.

A shaman dude speaks Spanish to them and thankfully I follow. They’re both confused as fuck while he says things like, “A big surprise!” They still aren’t getting it when he says “Se quitan la ropa,” which I immediately know means take off your clothes. Yeah, I’m cultured AND classy.

Mackenzie, Justin, and Justin’s bulge put mud on each other and Mackenzie doesn’t know what a circle is. Also they have ropes tied around their necks and given the level of awkward this date is, I’m guessing finding a tall tree branch doesn’t sound half bad right now. (Was that too dark?)

Apparently they’re married and Mackenzie is STOKED!!! Justin starts to freak out about how STOKED!!! Mackenzie is but can you really be taken seriously in a flower crown? No.

Once Mackenzie solves the mystery of if their kids would be Mexican (they would not), the drama is back on Jaclyn. To her credit, she spits some truth when she says, “Might as well call this Kaitlyn’s Rejects.” (Some producer is going “That was MY idea!!”)

Jaclyn has heard SUCH good things about Jared, and Ashley I. immediately starts to panic. I see the fabric that is her soul unraveling and she does the exact right thing when this happens which is she FINDS. CHRIS. HARRISON. She finds Chris Harrison in a flannel, more specifically.

Jaclyn rolls her eyes as Jared tells her about the Divergent-trilogy-length letter Ashley I. wrote him last night. Yes, the letter is super silly. But Jaclyn, honey, in the words of Countess Luann De Lesseps, you are breaking girl code. (You guys following? I jumped franchises here so stick close and you won’t get lost.)

Ashley I. has the timing of time.gov (look it up), because that shit is PERFECT. Right as Jaclyn asks Jared if he would go on a date with her Ashley swoops the fuck in with a fantasy suite card that she found/begged Chris Harrison for. I don’t hate it, Ash. Girl’s got focus. Here is Jaclyn’s face as this shit goes down:

Jaclyn promptly eats a handful of sour grapes and reminds viewers that “no guy at this age wants to take anyone’s virginity.” Um, have you been on the internet? I beg to differ. Ashley says she would like to “do stuff with Jared” and I’m hoping she means sex.

Next week will be the real kicker, and also the finale. Yikes! Time flies when you’re having a lot of mixed emotions. We’ll find out if Jared laid down that D on Ashley and I personally cannot wait. Timer is officially set on my phone, except that it isn’t because you can only set your timer for 24 hours. Shit.

BONUS FOOTAGE: Ashley I. taking out her extensions and combing them with a fork.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Karma’s a bitch”

August 25, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

I can only imagine the complete shit show my life would be if I was trapped in an open bar for two months. They should show vomiting footage. I know they have it.

So everyone’s really coupling up now, except Ashley I. who ever since getting the shaft from Jared CANNOT stop crying. Like, cannot. Also she is losing fake nails by the second and now her manicure looks like Britney’s circa 2008. (Everything about Britney is PERFECT this is just an EXAMPLE.)

Ashley is so heart broken that she is going to be ruined, “for like, ever.” I totally understand because one time I kissed a boy twice and never recovered from it. Oh wait, that didn’t happen. Pull it together.

Mikey and Juelia go on a date, which is cute but here we are again getting into a plane with a PROPELLER. I don’t care where you’re taking me, I can’t stress enough that I will never get into a vessel that shoots you INTO THE AIR, powered by what I assume is a pulley cord system. Not happening.

While they’re on said death trap, Juelia sits on Mikey’s lap and I’m going “YOU HAVE TO DISTRIBUTE THE WEIGHT.” This is not a commercial airliner. You have to keep the sides even. (Can you tell I’m SUPER CHILL on planes? The chillest.)

Back on the beach Sam and Joe finally talk and Joe says something about exceeding “exceptations,” which you may have noticed is not a word. My spellcheck is going nutso on it right now. Basically Sam has woven a “spider web of deceit” which to me is like, not THAT big of a deal. (You know what is a big deal? An actual spider web. Fuck those things.)

Carly and Kirk go fishing, which is not something I totally understand because I didn’t think you could go fishing in the ocean? I mean I get that there are fish in the ocean (DUH) but you don’t see people standing in the surf with fishing rods. So I’m not really following but they’re going to get married so it’s fine.

Back in central Mexico Juelia is hoping that maybe her date with Mikey will include “dancing under the stars,” but really they go see lucha libre wrestling. It’s kind of the same thing, except not.

After their night of beer and masks they get a fantasy suite card and Juelia asks if Mikey would be comfortable spending the night in her room. We are talking about the same Mikey whose favorite yoga pose is Downward Clare, right? Yaaa. I think he’s comfortable with it.

At this point Ashley I. and Joe start to commiserate over their mutual case of the sadsies, and Ashley gives out dating advice. Take it with a grain of salt, buddy. She tells him to walk up to Sam and say, “Hey I’m Joe, I think you’re really pretty.” UMM, how about you don’t do that. “Hey I’m Joe” is eh at best. But this is Sam we’re talking about. She KNOWS she’s really pretty. That’s why she’s such a crazy bitch.

While Ashley and Joe share s’mores (shout out to s’mores, keep doing you) new guy Justin gets to Paradise. Justin didn’t have a lot of airtime on Kaitlyn’s season so all I can do is rub my chin and say Hmmm. HMMMM. You are a mystery to me, man who looks like a living Ken doll. A mystery indeed.

Of course the second he gets there he sits with Sam and gets “lost in her eyes” which is such a fucking terrible thing to say. Just tell her she has beautiful eyes, don’t say that cheesy shit you saw in a movie. He also says that she is a great “conversator,” which again you smart kiddos will catch is not an actual word. (My spellcheck can’t even handle this recap right now. Spellcheck and I are forever bonded in a ??? over this episode.)

Right as the Sam drama is starting to die down (I’m kidding, it’s never going to end), Dan comes out of nowhere with a giant wooden spoon ready to stir the pot. He doesn’t want her to go on a date with Justin not because of ol’ Sad Joe, but because he “wants to get to know her better.” OOOoooo, I’m gonna tell Amber!! I’m so gonna tell her. Shit is goin’ down next week. I can FEEL IT.

We wrap it up with sweet, sweet Mikey. You know what he doesn’t like? Bugs. Sand. Salt water. Sometimes rain. He is officially the Lennie to my Of Mice and Men, and god dammit if I don’t love him for it.

Do you think someone is going to cry next week? Do you think someone is going to get horribly sunburned? Stay tuned.

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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Does anyone know what’s going on?”

August 24, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

It feels like FORVER since my last trip to Paradise. Was your week slow too? Time is confusing.

We start with a weird ass intro that feels like a horror movie about crabs. I don’t know what these editors are doing all day (getting high) but I’m pretty sure the phrase, “Keep it CAMPY!” is hanging somewhere in their dark dungeon.

If you forgot where we left off last week and were asking yourself, are JJ and Joe friends again? The episode begins with JJ yelling, “GET THE FUCK UP HERE YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT, LET’S GO.” So no. They’re not friends again. Tenley heard “loud shouting,” and it’s like okay Tenley, you want a fucking medal?

Besides worrying that the season is going to end with crabs waging an actual war on humans, I’m also confused about Jorge the Bartender. He’s sitting in a lounge chair at eleven o’clock at night talking to Joe and I’m like, is he actually IN the show now? Is he giving out a rose this week? (If he doesn’t save Juelia with it that would be so messed up!!)

Sam could not be more clear she is “so not about that drama,” which she says one million times during the episode. She came on BACHELOR IN PARADISE and hates drama. That makes sense.

There’s a rose ceremony tonight, which reaffirms my theory that they are trying to throw us off our game and it is WORKING. A rose ceremony ten minutes into the episode? Looney tunes. (She says, getting up to make herself a vodka ginger beer.)

At the cocktail party, Jade and Tanner want to talk to Joe and Samantha because Tanner has SEEN THE SCREEN GRABS. But he and Joe are in the exact same shirt so the whole time they’re talking I’m distracted by whether or not they’re twins and how weird it would be if they were.

Juelia goes to find Chris Harrison, who is just chilling with a crew guy while holding his dinner jacket over his forearm like some kind of perfect creature. He pretends to give a flying fuck about what she’s talking about, which is that she kind of had a connection with Mikey. Wait. IS MIKEY COMING BACK?? Is this good TV, or is this good TV? Jesus Christ.

Meanwhile Jared is forced to kiss Ashley I. even though it’s clear as goddamn day that he isn’t interested in her, like, at all. Also Ashley is wearing the heart of the ocean.

Did she swim down to the bottom of the sea? Is she a mermaid and that’s why she’s a virgin?? I’m going to need some answers. She says kissing Jared is way better than kissing Chris Soules’ PAPER THIN LIPS and as soon as she said it I died and fell off my couch.

JJ gives his rose to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S, which is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen in my life. But this is the end of JJ’s journey. He misses his home piece and keeps saying things about being multidimensional and having layers and I think JJ should go into web design. Something with circular references and dimensions and shit.

JJ’s departure is war themed, as evident by the insanity of a music selection that plays as he hugs everyone goodbye. Without warning I find myself standing up with my hand to my forehead, giving JJ a slow salute out. We lost a good man tonight.

At this point I’m not really understanding why EVERYONE wants to save Juelia. Does she have the good drugs or something? Dan talks to Carly before his rose, which prompts #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. to call him a GRANDPA. He is a fucking grandpa, and I love the spirit in her! (Should I reach out to her on Instagram and see if she wants to get matching tattoos? Things to think about.)

Megan’s gone, Clare’s gone, Juelia’s gone. Juelia’s crying and goes to get into the Sad Limo but then MIKEY IS BACK, like we knew he would be. Top ponytail has been resurrected.

The next day Jade and Tanner have their date and I’m going to tell you right now there is no way in HELL I’d get in a plane with a propeller. Fuuuuuck that. I’m a jet fuel girl, okay? But they go to a tequila distillery so that’s dope. Are there lime trees nearby? How is salt made? (Life’s mysteries that keep me up at night.)

Some rando named Nick arrives, and I don’t know him at all but I do know that he ALSO TALKED TO SAMANTHA BEFORE THE SHOW. Sam’s face when he walks in basically says it all, which is, “Fuck.”

He immediately asks her on a date and then a super weird thing happens where they go off and talk but she never actually says yes to the date, and then says no to the date the second they’re back with the group. I’m starting to feel lost.

Nick takes #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. on the date and she massages him while talking to a bird. I’m pretty sure this isn’t editing, I think she really is talking to it. Also she’s in a cute ass bikini top that I want.

Turns out these two are GREAT DRINKING BUDDIES. Girl. Is. Inebriated. She’s gone. She’s in the middle of the ocean. She is like a sister to him, but she’d never kiss her half sister, but he’s like a brother she’s attracted to. She can do no wrong in my mind and I love every fucking thing that comes out of her mouth. Who cares if she’s hammered! Nick is boring as shit. She’s just like, passin’ the time.

(In snoozy side notes, Jade and Tanner are falling in love and are going to have beautiful olive-skinned babies.)

Joe is starting to unravel, so I need to go pop some popcorn. He thinks Samantha is going to be the mother of his children (HA) but the whole time he keeps saying to himself, “She’s out of my league. Stuff like this never happens.” Guys, let me do you a solid. If you are ever like hey, stuff like this never happens, you’re probably fucking right. If you ever think hey, it smells like something’s burning, it is. Something is engulfed in flames.

We’re FINALLY back to Ashley I. and Jared and he keeps saying things like “you’re so sweet” and “I love getting along with you,” which is NOT a good sign. I love getting along with you?!??!! Get out your tissues, girl. Jared isn’t over Kaitlyn Bristowe (which is crazy because they broke up like, twelve days ago) so Ashley cries for a very long time.

THEN SHE CALLS KAITLYN. A producer definitely said, “You should tell her Jared’s not over her. You and Kaitlyn are friends. Here, want my phone? I dialed, it’s ringing…” Ashley goes on to tell her that Jared is OBSESSED with her. Kaitlyn’s probably like um cool story, bro. I’m getting bent over by the hottest guy ever right now so I can’t really talk.

Apparently Sam wished Joe a Sad 29^th Birthday, because she dumps his ass while sitting in front of a cake with chocolate covered cherries on it.

Joe’s like, “But there hasn’t been any drama all day.” Congrats Joe, you made it one fucking day. One day does not a chill man make.

Tonight’s episode promises Joe coming after Sam with a VENGENCE. Got ya, bitch.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Villains Gonna Vill”

August 18, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

This shit is getting more complicated than my beauty regimen, which let me tell you has SEVERAL moving parts.

Four seconds in, Juelia tells Sam about Joe’s sneaky ass behavior. Except she says that Joe asked her on a date “right away.” Love ya girl, but no. Not how that shit went down. Remember when he was like, “I don’t give a shit who wants to go on this date with me, I’ll take anyone, who wants to ride horses?” And you were like, “I like to ride horses, Joe.” Sorry boo, but my memory is crystal fucking clear on this.

Anyway Sam thinks this is a “little too much drama” even though she’s the one who’s been plotting with Joe since the dawn of time. (Tanner has SEEN THE SCREEN GRABS.)

So Joe and Sam have this super, top secret conversation where they completely forget they have their fucking mic packs on. Sam sees a cameraman and keeps whispering and I’m going, “BITCH YOUR MICROPHONE IS ON.” They intercut this heavily-subtitled conversation with Sam’s most recent interview, which they play in a dark vignette as visual proof that she is a goddamn liar.

We switch gears as Amber shows up to the house, super excited to date Dan and hang out with her BFF Ashley S. (Cue a producer rubbing their hands together, eyes turning black.) Amber asks Dan on a date and he says yes but needs to talk to Ashley S. about it.

Except that when you talk to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S, she takes no prisoners. She looks straight at him and says, “You’re such a man, but you couldn’t be a man to me.” Bye Dan, your balls just got chopped off and she’s about to throw them into the fucking sand. Also she can tell that one of the birds is blind so she is obviously a sorcerer.

Meanwhile JJ and Megan go on their date and it’s boring and they’re on a boat. Megan says some cheesy ass line about how this is the quickest she’s gotten wet on a date and it’s like HA GOOD ONE.

On Amber and Dan’s date, the townspeople of Puerto Vallarta demand they kiss and I start to panic about the mob mentality of the world. Amber has to walk no fewer than four miles in wedges until they’re finally at some tiny dinner table that I’m pretty sure they could have put a little closer to where they were earlier.

Amber admits that when she’s home watching hot pieces get out of The Bachelorette limos (noshing on some kind of delicious snack, I hope), she marks down the ones she wants to bone by putting a star next to their name. That’s like me telling you guys that while I sit in traffic I talk to myself and pretend I’m being interviewed on the radio. I would never tell you that, it is embarrassing and between me and God. Apparently Dan is a DOUBLE STAR, which is like me telling you I also pretend I’m being interviewed while I put on my makeup. It’s like, not helping.

It’s time for the big bro-down (showdown of bros), where Joe is finna get his ass handed to him. The guys confront him and Joe keeps talking about digging up dead bodies. Somewhere in his pathetic attempt at explaining himself we learn that before everyone goes on the show they submit a list of people they’d like to see in paradise to the producers. Innnnnteresting.

Joe’s list was SAM, SAMANTHA, SAMANTHA FROM CHRIS’ SEASON, SAM. JJ’s had 8 people. I would like to be a fly on the wall in the meeting where someone at ABC takes their headshots and slides them around trying to decide who’s arriving next to BREAK THE HEARTS of the people already there. “Yes! She’ll be basically suicidal at that point. Should we take a coffee break?”

Now Joe and JJ talk with their faces very close to each other. Joe is still a fucking pussy so they don’t fight.

What does happen is JJ says that Joe is a circular reference, which is some complex shit for a hockey player. Jared (been missin’ you, buddy!) caps us off with, “Joe Bailey, from America’s Sweetheart to America’s Most Wanted. One week flat.” You been writing taglines on the side, bro? That shit was fire.

Next week promises more fun in the sun, and by fun I mean tears. What an incredible journey so far!!

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “This isn’t church camp.”

August 17, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

I’ve always said that Bachelor in Paradise contestants are like good martinis: (emotionally) shaken, not stirred. And extra dirty.

We start by “introducing… Jorge the bartender!” Yes, the ringleader of their drunken all-inclusive sex fest is officially part of the opening credits. Good for him! It’s not like any of these stingy broads are throwing singles in the tip jar so I’m glad he’s getting some air time. (I assume he’s repped by CAA.)

Because last week was TO BE CONTINUED… lets CONTINUE. Clare wants to leave but doesn’t want to “walk away,” which is weird because any time I’ve ever left anywhere it was by walking away. (Except one time when I was on a scooter and it was fucking awesome.)

Joe gets Juelia’s rose and we say goodbye to Mikey (RIP top ponytail), Jonathan (RIP yellow sunglasses), and Michael (RIP who gives a shit). Although I recognize that Joe is an asshole, Juelia needs to put these pieces together a little fucking faster. She’s all, “he can’t wait to spend more time with me” and I’m all, “I never want you on my detective team.” (Currently taking applications via Twitter.)

Also Joe says “rose before bros” so I don’t know why Juelia is still sad. She should be mortified she kissed someone who would say that.

What’s awesome is that SAM IS HERE. And Chris Harrison acknowledges that she spoke zero words on Chris’ season and I love him for that. Thank you for keeping it 100, Chris!

Joe and Samantha hold hands immediately, so now everyone is confused and thinks that maybe they’ve talked before and were expecting to see each other here. Oh really, dumb fucks? You thought Joe was just randomly saying “I CAN’T WAIT FOR SAMANTHA TO GET HERE” when he didn’t know she was coming? He knew, guys. He knew.

They’re so hot and heavy that Sam is basically already pregnant with a baby who has long acrylic nails and a thick ass Southern accent. Their date is a photo shoot and Joe’s proud of his dad body even though he definitely shouldn’t be. If I have to sweat my ass off at pilates then guess what? I’m not into your dad bod. The day you stop judging me for ordering gnocchi is the day you can embrace your soft, stupid stomach.

Joe doesn’t really get that the dudes in the house are mad at him so he offers Jared a shrimp quesadilla. Don’t know why I’m including that here, but it feels important.
Also during the course of Joe vs Bros things like, “You’re not villing” are said, which I think is a reference to the word villain and if so I hope you all die in a fire.

Clare makes another appearance when she has a phone conversation with a raccoon. The editors need to chill out with this shit because I bet at least 50% of the (dope-ass) hoes watching this show legit think she is on the phone with a raccoon. It’s editing, guys. She’s talking to her mom.

Also Carly is HORNY. Like, gross horny. They try to make this an interesting storyline where Kirk might dump her but then doesn’t. It is not interesting and they remain the ultimate snoozeville couple. Also he calls her a “pinball machine” and I don’t know what that means.

Jorge the Bartender and Ashley S. talk about Dan and it is perfection. Sadly Dan sees some “red flags” in Ashley but never actually says what the red flags are so I can only assume it’s that she squeezes the toothpaste tube instead of neatly rolling it up.

He talks to her about it and while her glasses make her look like a sexy librarian, it turns out she is actually a BAD BITCH, y’all. Girl takes ZERO bullshit and is like, “Hey man if you’re out, I’m out.” Which is the #1 bad bitch move of the century. No drama, no crying, just bye, I’ve got shit to do.

Megan shows up in Paradise and I almost forgot how dumb she is. Don’t worry, she reminds us with a big, “ALOHA, MEXICO!!” She also calls a sombrero a so-brero and it makes me sad.

Joe finally admits that before going on the show he talked to Sam on social media, texts, phone calls, telegrams, webcams, snail mail, and walkie-talkie. Plus they passed notes in class. People are still like what?!?! Even though it’s the simplest thing in the world and I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

Juelia threatens the shit out of Joe and says she’s going to tell Sam about what Joe did to her. This won’t make a difference in Joe and Sam’s relationship because anyone who’s ever dated a man knows the first thing Joe will say is, “It was all for you” and Sam’ll be like OKAY! And it will be totally fine.

Also the second Juelia says she’s going to tell Sam, Joe starts apologizing like a fucking pussy. Quietly backing out of that shit like he just walked in on his parents having sex and they haven’t noticed him yet.

It took Ashley I. five episodes not to sob like a motherfucker and I have to say I really, really missed it. Can we get back to that? That was fun.

Already mentally ordering Indian food and pouring rosé for tonight’s fiesta…

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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Huh?”

August 11, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

Bachelor in Paradise? More like Bachelor in Dramaville, amiright?! Sorry. That was bad. I’ll go sit in the corner.

We start off with Mikey saying that Clare is his beard. I’m going to go out on a limb here: based on Mikey’s general comprehension skills, he has no fucking clue what a beard is. Pret-ty sure he didn’t mean to tell millions of people that he was hanging with Clare to cover up the fact that he’s gay.

Clare finally goes on her date with Jared and I am super stoked about it, mostly because I know it will make Ashley I. cry as she repeats over and over, “It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. You’re Jasmine.”

They’re supposed to bungee jump but Clare is scared and crying (Scared and Crying would be a PHENOMENAL spinoff of Naked and Afraid). But then Jared kisses her and they jump and it’s cute as shit. What isn’t so cute is when they have to paint in her purple bikini bottoms because her actual bikini bottoms are nowhere to be found. Movie magic at its finest. Someone went to film school for this.

Clare gets home and describes their date in VERY LOUD DETAIL so Ashley I. can hear and as predicted, she sobs in her room.

Some guy named Michael arrives and I’m going to be honest with you I have no idea who he is. But he can’t wait to meet Tenley because to him she is an Elevenly. I immediately hate him.

Before Michael goes on his date with Tenley, Joshua wishes diarrhea on him. This is an excellent use of a wish, and I personally wish diarrhea on anyone who’s ever broken Britney Spears’ heart. (That statement is ON the record.)

Meanwhile Jared is royally fucking up with Clare. And by royally fucking up I mean he’s pacing around the sand saying things like, “You’re 8 years older than me… but you look great.” Guess who’s having none of that? Clare Motherfucking Crawley. She is outta that sitch faster than Kim Richards with a cart full of Target toys.

So Tenley and Michael (no diarrhea yet) go on a date, where 10,000 mariachi musicians circle around them like iRobots and I immediately think, “TENLEY THEY’RE GOING TO KILL YOU.” They don’t, so she is still alive. Also: did Michael tip every single one of them? (I assume they stood around staring at him until he let out a big SIGH and reached into his pocket.)

All right fine, let’s get into this Joe shit. Joe is a SNAKE, as evident by the fact that literally every single time they show Joe talking they immediately cut to an actual snake.

Anyway Joe hates Juelia, Mikey and Jonathan hate Joe for using Juelia, and Joe hates Mikey and Jonathan for telling Juelia that Joe is using Juelia. Fun! Here is the point where Joe (drunk as shit on Jack and Cokes) threatens to beat the guys “to a pulp” with “brass knuckles” which is first of all an insane thing to say and also definitely not true. For as dumb as Mikey is, he would beat the absolute fuck out of scrawny ol’ Joe.

It should be noted that at some point during all of this turmoil Ashley S. goes, “Huh?” and it is perfect and she is perfect and I love her.

So now Jonathan is crying. Like, HARD. He can’t keep it together and it is the most awkward moment of my entire life. Please stop crying, Jonathan. Please. The hairs are sticking up on my arms. That is how uncomfortable I am.

Meanwhile Clare is bitter as hell that she will never find love and it’s like girl, calm down. You’re going to be on nine more seasons of this shit so eventually you will get someone to like you. Probably.

Right before the rose ceremony she gives a super weird impromptu speech and everyone is kind of like, “thefuck?” And then we hear the first words out of Jade’s mouth in like three episodes and she lays it the fuck down. She takes offense to that, Clare! She takes. Offense.

We get started on the roses and I am PUMPED ABOUT IT. And then basically the worst thing imaginable happens, which is that they put a big “To be continued…” on the screen before we get to any of the good roses. (Nobody cares that Carly gave her rose to Kirk!!) As soon as the words pop up on the screen I shout, “OH MY GOD.”

I guess the execs at ABC finally took that seminar on cliff-hangers and how they work like a god damn charm, because ever since Kaitlyn’s season these rose ceremonies are taking place at weird points in the episodes. You got me, shitheads! Waiting patiently and sticking my Joe voodoo doll with needles until Sunday…

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Recap: Bachelor In Paradise Premiere, Night 2

August 4, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

“There’s no roses left for Tenley.”

Like leftover Chinese food, Bachelor in Paradise is even better the second night. One minute in and I already had my head cocked to the side like a dog listening to someone blow on a weenie whistle. The opening credits were an 80s-themed montage of confusion that I at first loved until I realized that made me a basic bitch and I was like SHIT, stop, resist the urge to smile. Rihanna (my spirit animal) would never approve.

Look I’m not going to sugar coat it, the next thing that happens is Clare talks to a crab. She’s got a date card, but doesn’t know whom to choose. She does a pretty good job of pretending she won’t go after anyone’s man, but you can see the crazy in that girl’s eyes from 100 conch shells away so we know she is just plotting, plotting (insert wicked witch cackle).

So here she is talking to this crab, which makes me very uncomfortable but also I’m high and I can’t tell if it’s ME or the CRAB or what the hell is going on. It was pretty touch and go for a minute.

Fan favorite Mikey (see what I did there) would really love to take Clare out, get to know her better, and maybe see if there is a romantic connection between them. Or as he puts it, “going on a date would be, like, awesome.” Mikey strikes me as the kind of guy who still wears super hero underpants. I don’t even know what that means, but I stand by it.

He forces Clare to go on a date and they immediately find out that they will be doing tantric yoga. You couldn’t wipe the smile off Mikey’s face if you were drowning a newborn puppy right in front of him. He is EXCITED. Clare wants to die.

I’m going to gloss over the fact that this might be Mikey’s first time having physical contact with a girl. His favorite yoga pose is the Downward Clare, which is both disturbing and also how I assume Clare describes the aftermath of getting her ass dumped by Juan Pablo.

In the happiest news ever, Ashley S. is back from the hospital and has somehow snagged the hottest guy in paradise. Work, bitch!

Now that everyone’s coupled off, Tenley is suddenly aware that she may be going home. It’s sad because she deserves love too! She immediately gets her flirt on with JJ in a last-ditch effort to stick around. (All JJ wants is “a small gift” and I assume he is referring to a set of worry dolls.)

Here’s where it gets fun. Clare starts talking to Jared at the cocktail party, and we KNOW how upset Ashley I. gets when Jared talks to people. If someone sneezed and he said bless you, she would immediately burst into tears. She can’t help it, guys. She doesn’t know why.

So Ashley I. is now officially freaking the fuck out that Clare AND Tenley have talked to Jared, and goes on a rant about old ladies and how she can’t lose a guy to an “OLD LADY.” Now I’m sitting here wishing there were actual old ladies in paradise, just to mix it up a bit (Jonathan would be down).

Annnnnd now we’re outing people’s boob jobs. Ashley I.’s sister Lauren just sits in that confessional and straight up throws these bitch’s titties under the bus (limo). Just rattles ‘em off! Juelia (fuck that spelling), Jillian, and Jade. I’m not trying to stereotype girls with J names, but I’m seeing a pattern here. But back to the main point which is hey Lauren, don’t be a bitch.

Oddly enough the actual rose tension didn’t have to do with Jared (YET… YET.) and was all about if JJ was going to give his rose to Jillian or Tenley. Um, did you see him give Tenley’s ass a light but confident squeeze as they fell in love on a beach-bed of some kind? Turns out there is a rose for Tenley.

But you know who the real winner was last night? Her adorable fucking pink crop top set. Hi, I want your clothes please. Jillian and her statement necklace never stood a chance.

Check out the recap of Night 1 here.

Recap: Bachelor In Paradise Premiere, Night 1

August 3, 2015October 5, 20152 Comments

“We’re into athletes, we’re not into meatheads.”

We left off in Bachelorland with Shawn proposing to Kaitlyn and the whole world yelling “REJECTED!!!” at Nick. And last night Chris Harrison (adhering to a STRICT beach casual dress code) kept all of our dreams alive with the beautiful gift that is the premiere of Bachelor in Paradise… A two-part event!™

The first thing we learn is that Tanner is salty as hell. Yeah, Kaitlyn didn’t like you. Was it because you didn’t have a “strong connection,” was it was because your name is Tanner? We may never know.

Ol’ Blackbox Jillian (also her pirate name) got a boob job since we last saw her, which was the right move for someone whose lifelong goal is to have every part of her body hard as a rock.

Speaking of hard bodies, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. Four seconds into the show and bro’s under boob sweat is seeping right through his lavender shirt. He just has too much testosterone, guys!! His breasts are literally sweating from all of the hormones. So he’s of course the first one to take his shirt off. Let the season of necklace microphones commence.

“But I don’t want to wear this pukka shell necklace.”
“You have to, otherwise we can’t hear you groaning while getting a hand job in a cabana.” (What I assume 99% of conversations with the producers are like.)

Mega shouts to crazy ass onion girl Ashley S. for constantly breaking the fourth wall. It has to annoy the hell out of the network, but Jesus Christ is it fun to watch. Does she own birds, does she not? Who knows! This isn’t a set, this is her life!

Now they start drinking like they’ll be bussed off to rehab tomorrow. Ashley I.’s sister Lauren is along for the ride, which of course gets all the other women’s bikini bottoms in a twist and makes them say things like, “Lauren I. just wants to have fun and drink and hang. I don’t think the guys will like that.” Guys hate girls who party and put out. That’s been proven time and time again.

Which brings me to the most important question of the night: Did Ashley I.’s sister want to be referred to as a slut no fewer than three times in the first episode of the show? If so, why? (500 word essay, due Thursday)

Chris Harrison throws another wrench in the rules when he explains that if one sister gets a rose, the other one will too. They are a package deal, which has Jonathan deciding how he’s going to fuck them both at the same time. It should be noted that Jonathan thinks all the women are “delicious” pieces of fruit that he wants to “take a bite out of.” Either Jonathan is creepy as hell, or he is on mushrooms and is hallucinating like a motherfucker.

Suddenly they’re sitting on these benches with an aisle down the middle and they’re all wondering what’s about to happen (none of them have ever been invited to a wedding). Don’t worry, they crack the case! It’s a wedding, guys. It’s a wedding.

Within five minutes of the wedding I was in a deep, deep sleep of boredom. But my ears perked to attention when Marcus said something about not being able to promise that he won’t bother Lacy with kisses in the morning. If there’s one thing vows need, it’s double negatives. However: loved that he made a toast to the contestants even though it was his fucking wedding. ABC at its finest!

So now they’re all back at the house sitting by the bonfire. Ashley I. (a 7th Grader) like, totally has a crush on Jared and like, has to talk to him but CAN’T! She just sits there and totally can’t say anything! Ughhh so annoying, right? Words are hard.

She breaks the ice with Jared by saying that Cinderella isn’t her princess, Jasmine is her princess. She’s even in her Jasmine bathing suit. Things are now “solidified” between them. Jared immediately goes to walk on the beach with Jade.

Later, 7th Grader goes on a date with Jared, but not before icing her face with a dishtowel. (Princess Jasmine would never be caught dead looking puffy.)

Everyone wants to fuck Jade because she’s your classic bad girl next door who acts shy but really is just dying to pull up her Playboy pics ASAP. WHAT’S THE WIFI PASSWORD IN PARADISE?

So now 7th Grader is stalking Jared and Tanner and Jade are coupling off. You go, Salty Tanner! Get some. I’m not even going to address Carly and Kirk because if I do I will fall into an even deeper slumber than when the wedding was happening.

Out of nowhere Ashley S. is getting wheeled off in a stretcher. I need her to stick around so she can look directly into the camera and say things like, “It’s really weird being on a television show” therefore ruining any usable footage they have of her.

We end with the fact that CLARE’S BACK, BITCHES. She is now the Real World Tonya of the Bachelor franchise and I assume will be on Bachelor spinoffs until the end of eternity. And if you don’t know who Tonya is then congratulations, you respect yourself and maybe even have a good thing going in your life. You’ve also probably never seen a girl pee out a kidney stone on television, which is a thing that actually happened.

Looking forward to tonight when we finally get to shell out some roses and watch 7th Grader have a complete meltdown when she realizes that Clare does not fuck around (except in oceans, hi Juan Pablo!!) and will be riding that Jared D in like, five minutes.

Can’t wait to watch everyone’s sunburns progress. It’s going to be an incredible journey.

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Tag: chris harrison

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