The Bachelor Premiere recap: “Please Tell Me You Don’t Have a Little Wiener”

January 2, 2018January 2, 20181 Comment

arie bachelor premiere

Well HAPPY FUCKIN’ NEW YEAR, kids!! I’ve missed you all a ton. (Sort of.)

I’m going to be totally honest with you guys, the mere thought of starting off 2018 with a freshie fresh season of The Bachelor is what pushed me through the end of 2017 and the accompanying massive head cold I’m suffering from that’s making everything I eat taste like oven-roasted cardboard.

When I first heard Arie was the next bachelor I was pret-ty bummed, mostly because I firmly believe you should never trust anyone with an added E in their name. Also because the last time he was on the show was 45 years ago and the only reason they picked him to do this was because they were in the 11th hour of negotiations with hot ass Peter Kraus when they realized, “Hey, didn’t that race car driver already fill out all the paperwork for this bullshit? Get him on a plane, he can be on Good Morning America in six hours!!” But I’m a sucker for even a dorky bachelor, so I guess I’m in.

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The Bachelor Recap: “There’s Our Boyfriend.”

January 26, 2016February 10, 2016Leave a comment

This season is really starting to hit its stride, and as usual there are a few girls trudging behind the pack like that one slow ass rhino in Jumanji.

We head to Vegas, where JoJo gets the first date card. Olivia acts like she’s cool as a fucking cucumber about it because she’s, “Zen with Ben,” but you and I both know she is starting to crack and is probably giving herself pep talks in the mirror. (That mirror, she will later realize, is actually a houseplant.)

A helicopter comes to pick up Ben and JoJo and it blows her away! No literally. It smashes their champagne and everything goes flying.

Back at the hotel they read the names on the group date card and that shit goes on FOREVERRRRR. The only way it could possibly sound more like a list of the top 50 baby names of 2015 would be if one of them was named Madison.

On the date, they are all going to be in a talent show. Ahh, yes. I have a feeling some of these ladies are talent-LESS and that’s going to make it MUY INTERESANTE.

Olivia goes on and on about this secret talent she has planned and everyone including me is over it. Is she going to shoot ping pong balls out of her pussy or something? Whatever it is, she is taking it 100% too seriously.

Now. When I say her cake-strip-tease is awkward, I mean it is very, very awkward. Let me tell you something. If you ever have to get on stage in front of people and think to yourself, “I’m just going to wing it,” that shit NEVER WORKS.

After the talent show Caila and Ben make out and he calls her a SEX PANTHER, which makes me giggle. (She does kiss very aggressively so, perhaps he has a point.) What does NOT make me giggle, is Lauren H. kissing the ventriloquist doll.

Olivia, you should be feeling pretty fucking good at this point because watching Lauren kiss this doll is BY FAR one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen in my entire life and I’ve basically forgotten about your panic attack .

But Olivia HAS NOT forgotten about her panic attack. She has to talk to Ben. She HAS to explain why the fuck she jumped out of a god damn cake in front of 1,200 people. But Ben’s eyes are glazing over as if he’s using all of his brain power to subdue the boner that’s still lurking in his pants from ol’ Sex Panther Caila.

For Becca’s one on one date she gets sent a wedding dress and these thirsty bitches are soooo jealous. She meets him at a chapel and he pretends to propose to her, which is supposed to be cute except you can see on her face that home girl is TRIPPING OUT about it and def DOES NOT want to marry Ben. Look at her eyes. Sheer terror.

For their date Ben officiates weddings, and as I watch all of these adorable, normal couples get married I just keep smoking more and more weed and thinking to myself wow, I am going to be SO HAPPY on my wedding day. (I also ate four tacos during this time. I lead a rich life.)

Back at the hotel, I can’t tell if the girls are starting to get tired of all this bullshit or not.

We think there’s a rose ceremony soon but hot damn, Ben wants to go on a 2-on-1 date with the TWINS!! This is crazy. I get it, they share a car, have the same job… it’s a little creeps and he’s got to pick one. (Now I am wondering what their actual job is, since under the employment section all it says is, “Twin.”)

He goes to their house, which is full of overweight dachshunds and photos of Haley’s ex-boyfriend. Subsequently, Haley is gone.

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony and I’m wondering how many goddamn cocktail dresses these girls have to bring on this show. So many dresses!! Olivia has another conversation with Ben where he stares blankly at her, having no idea what she’s talking about. He then talks to Jubilee and she is the fucking best. She is a bad bitch and I love her for it.

Olivia isn’t worried about not getting a rose because, “I read a lot of romance novels where things just come together.” Of course she reads romance novels. Of course.

Rachel (“Who?” –You) and Amber get kicked off and Amber is fucking mad about it. As soon as she starts walking away I say to my boyfriend, “She is so ready to take those heels off-” And as soon as the words leave my mouth she takes those damn heels off. Girls, amiright? We get each other.

Next week we’re off to Mexico, where Olivia tells Amanda she’s like a bad episode of Teen Mom or something? Not sure. Gonna be weird.

Check out more of my recaps here.

The Bachelor Recap: “It’s Either Good News, Or Bad News.”

January 19, 2016January 19, 2016Leave a comment

Me: “What is, girls are mean?”

Alex Trebek: “Ah I’m sorry, we were looking for, complete bitches.”

I’ve always said that putting your best foot forward involves trashing Olivia. I’ve ALWAYS said that. We kick off with girls sitting on chaise loungers wondering why, HOW, Ben likes her. If you ladies at home are wondering the same thing, go ahead and ask your boyfriend (who you’ve tied to the couch and forced to watch this). He’ll tell you. She’s fucking hot.

Lauren B. gets the first date card, prompting one of the girls to explain that the highlight of her day is, “those glimpses that I get to see him, before he takes other women on dates.” Yes, good. This is normal.

Lauren goes on the date and their first order of business is to get in some tiny-ass prop plane to do tricks and shit. Um, no thank you. If you’ve been reading my recaps since the dawn of time (summer-ish) you will know that Sam Jarvis DOES NOT FUCK WITH SINGLE PROPELLOR PLANES. My palms sweat in business class three white wines in, let alone in a tin can Harrison Ford’s probably already crashed.

They fly to a hot tub in the middle of nowhere, which seems cute but he was JUST in a hot tub with Caila, so something about this gives me the ewws. Also is there some sort of generator out of frame? What’s powering this thing? (I’m 100 years old.) Anyway Lauren B is officially adorable and they would make very cute, very white babies together.

Back at the mansion the girls are like, not having a great time. I can’t imagine why spending days trapped in a house with people you fucking hate would be terrible, but I guess it is! The group date card arrives and everybody’s names are on it except Becca, JoJo and Jubilee, so Jubilee knows shit ain’t in the cards for her.

The group date is all about soccer, and Lace doesn’t know goalies can pick the ball up with their hands so the other team scores. This immediately gives me flashbacks to my AYSO days when once a season they’d force me to be goalie and I was so nervous I thought I was going to shit my pants for the entire hour.

While waiting to talk to Ben during cocktail hour one of the girls is like, “I don’t want to sit on a couch and sip on my water” which is the REALEST fucking thing I have ever heard anyone say about their time on The Bachelor. That is 96% of what their lives are.

But while they sit and sip, they of course have to talk about Olivia again and as the words pour out of their bitch mouths I am shoving more and more seaweed snacks into my face. This is good TV, guys. They not only say that Olivia has bad toes, but also that she has fake boobs and BAD BREATH.

Jami finally speaks this episode and she should’ve started with, “I’m Jami and I’m a fucking snitch.” She IMMEDIATELY tells Olivia what they said and it’s like wow, you are not allowed in my drug ring, you are a rat. Olivia asks what body part they made fun of and right away guesses her calves, which made me go HA! Very loudly and scare my sleeping boyfriend. She goes on to say, “Am I aggressive? Yeah. Do I have bad toes? Yeah” and suddenly I’m like you alright, Olivia. You alright.

Except then she starts talking about how Ben “pushed off her leg,” which to her meant they are now talking in secret code and I want to grab her by the shoulders, look her in the eyes and say Olivia, sweetheart, you’re a fucking psycho.

In a TWIST!!!!!! Jubilee gets the final date card, but has literally zero chill and starts acting like a crazed cat climbing up a curtain. She is being SO AWKWARD, which is apparently what one of the girls calls “awko-taco” and whoever the hell just said that should pack up their shit and go.

Jubilee is afraid of heights and is already acting a fool, but has to get in a helicopter anyway. Out of nervousness she jokes, “Does anyone want to go on my date??” WELL. LET ME TELL YOU. This does NOT sit well with the ladies, nooooo siree. They’re super pissed because “Ben planned an amazing date” which is a laugh out loud statement and I can’t believe these grown ass women STILL think that Ben is planning these dates! You think he’s sitting in a production meeting like, “Guys, I want to take Jubilee on a helicopter ride to this one really cute spa I know of.” Um, no. Not how this works at all.

Jubilee’s still being kind of squirrely and spitting out food she thinks is horrible, but then she tells Ben that she’s obsessed with hot dogs and suddenly I’m like girl, maybe we are more alike than I thought!! Ben is just happy he can finally see what a normal day would be like with her, because this is a totally normal day:

Jubilee opens up and explains that her entire family died in Haiti except her. Well, shit. She’s officially lived ten thousand more lives than any of these betches in the house who think “Ben wants a soccer mom.” (Sure, Lauren H. Guy’s dicks get hard thinking of boring ass soccer moms with THICK MIDWESTERN ACCENTS. That’s a thing.)

At the rose ceremony, somber Ben announces that his family friends died in a plane crash, so Olivia immediately steals him away to clear up this calves/toes business. She says it’s really hard and starts crying. (Pret-ty fucking sure an editor got THREE gold stars for making it look like the crying is about the cankles and not the plane crash. Well done.)

Jubilee gives him a massage and Amber is like oh hell no. She wants to talk to her but Jubilee is NOT HAVING IT. She doesn’t want a fucking girl chat, okay Amber? You’re being a mean girl and it is NOT a good look. You know who agrees with me? Ben. He shoots Amber’s ass down so fast she’s like wait, what? If I were in that house and the girls wanted to “have a talk” I’d be like yeah, no. I’m gonna keep eating this slice of pie hovering over the kitchen sink (I eat my feelings).

In a great final show button, Lace is outtie. She just can’t deal anymore and starts quoting her tattoo. She knew her ass was getting the boot and wanted to get out ahead of it! Gotta respect that.

Olivia is freaking the FUCK out about how there is only one rose left and she doesn’t have one yet. He had to punish her for talking about her damn calves while he was mourning the deaths of his friends, ya know? She gets the final rose, and then revisits this “secret communication” business. She says that when they hugged he squeezed her waist and she took that to mean, and I quote, “He can’t give me everything all the time and he knows I can handle that.” Or, ya know, he hugged you. Either one.

We’re in Vegas next week, so you know what that means!! …Wait I don’t know what that means. If you do, can you inbox me? Perf.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Was it the arousing cheese?”

August 31, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

I’m going to be straight up with you guys, I have no idea how Bachelor in Paradise ends. Does one couple win? Are there prizes? Or do people keep leaving and arriving forever into eternity and Carly and Kirk just live in Mexico now?

Anyway Joe is still a salty wuss about Samantha. He doesn’t really know what’s going on, which is how I feel in most open bar situations.

We’re six minutes in and Sam’s been called a “master manipulator” twice. She cancels her date with Justin because she still likes Joe, she just DOESN’T DO DRAMA. Really guys, I can’t stress it enough. Sam keeps saying, “I have never had drama in my entire life” which I’m calling bullshit on because anyone who has acrylic nails has dealt with drama. Acrylic nails and drama go (paraffin) hand in (paraffin) hand.

Annnnnd now Chris Krakowski is here. (I just Googled him and apparently I am wrong, Chris BUKOWSKI is here.) The only thing I know about Chris is that he randomly showed up on Andi’s season and she was like eh, no thanks. He is the Clare of Bachelor men and has been on every show in existence.

Chris is good at “making things go fast” with women, so that’s neat. He immediately orders a vodka soda, which means he is a CLUB GUY and is ready to TURN UP. Can’t wait.

Amber is going on Justin’s date instead of Sam but only to make Dan jealous. Still with me? They salsa dance and it’s kind of cute until Amber takes his shirt off and JUSTIN IS SO FUCKING SUNBURNT. This is 2015, Justin. Act like ya been there before.

I am 100% sure he is thinking, “Ow, ow, please don’t touch my shoulders- AH! Oh my God. Pretend this is fun. Am I smiling? Don’t put your arms around my neck- OW.” They make out and now Amber is crying about Dan. (Pull it together, babe.)

Back on the beach Chris is saying insane things like, “Bachelor Pad was the best show that’s ever happened.” HA. Apparently you’ve never heard of Lizzie McGuire. Chris is drunk and falls into a fire.

Amber talks to Dan about their relationship and he uses the F word- friends. I’m standing by #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. when she said Dan is a grandpa. The hottest grandpa I’ve ever seen in my life, but a grandpa nonetheless.

BUKOWSKI (Chris’ alter ego) asks Tenley on a date and she has to explain her No to him seven times. His comprehension skills are not shining. Chris decides he did what he came here to do (fall into a fire) and it’s time for him to leave. He listens to the voices in his head and walks off barefoot.

Joshua and Tenley go on Chris’ date and Tenley thinks a papaya tastes like ice cream (ZERO CHANCE IT DOES) and they eat aphrodisiac cheese. “Aphrodisiac cheese” turns into “arousing cheese,” which turns into “horny cheese” in Joshua’s mind. What are you, five? Try to be sexy for like, one second. Later Joshua is amazed at his plate of food because “colors everywhere.”

Meanwhile everyone is still OBSESSING over Samantha and how the ocean must be Samantha Water. (Samantha Water is something I should be trademarking, bottling, and distributing.)

Sam and Joe flirt on a beach bed and Sam is a pillow chameleon. She literally made her romper out of the same fabric as the pillows and I can’t even see her. What I can see, is an apple box in the top right corner of the screen. Little behind-the-scenes Hollywood Easter egg for ya.

At the cocktail party Ashley I. gives Jared a 10,000 page novel that is sure to be a must-read. Also Ashley I. is dressed EXACTLY LIKE JASMINE. I mean, exactly. And don’t you dare say this wasn’t on purpose because it was. It was.

Here is where things get muy interesante. Amber says Jared was always her #2 choice, so she’s gonna offer him her rose. The problem is Jared might not make it to the rose ceremony because I doubt he will be done reading Ashley’s letter by then.

Back in Samanthaland, Dan thinks Joe wants to “pee on Samantha like a fire hydrant.” Super visual, Dan. Everything about Samantha annoys me at this point except her adorable For Love and Lemons crop set. You win there, girl. I’ll give you that.

Ashley I. fucks Amber over and gives her rose to Jared. Jared kind of half smiles but through his teeth is going, “Greeeat” in that way where you know it is NOT great. Ashley I. doesn’t care and is thrilled.

Sam has the final rose and she keeps talking about how she hates drama. Does she think there are completely new viewers to this show every week? We KNOW you hate drama. It’s the only thing you’ve literally ever said. She PICKS DAN, and #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. immediately says exactly what we’re all thinking which is, “Shocker!” I am laughing out loud at her. Amazing.

Joe is kicked off but he will NOT leave without showing that one god damn text from Samantha. He cannot let go of the fact that she said, “do whatever it takes to get a rose.” What she probably meant was, “Yes! Please try to stay so we can meet. Do whatever it takes ;)” which does not mean “lie and manipulate a widowed single mother so we can get married.”

In the Sad Limo Joe finally pulls up the text, somehow thinking he is going to be vindicated. Also who has 14 unread text messages? You’re a crazy person.

As the car drives away Joe says that he, “Should have fucked her brains out,” which is hilarious because “should have” implies that he had the option. Pret-ty sure that was never offered to you, buddy. Let’s be clear.

Tanner has now called Sam a chess player, a juggler, a praying mantis, and a puppet master. Jesus Christ, Tanner. Cool it with the analogies. You can just call her a lying bitch and we’d all get the picture. On the opposite end of the spectrum Jared only knows one phrase. He has said, “fall on the sword” a hundred times this season. This isn’t Game of Thrones. Nobody is falling on swords so shut the fuck up about the swords.

The way #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. sees it, Sam wasn’t “born out of a flower, or a seashell” but is Aphrodite, and now Sam is “like a dead bird to her.” YES. Those words couldn’t be more confusing or magical and I just FUCKING LOVE HER.

Samantha cries, AGAIN SAYING SHE HATES DRAMA, and Dan comforts her. Except why does Dan have a tissue on him?? That is so weird. She goes, “Can you get me a tissue?” And he just already has one. Having a tissue in your pocket is proof positive that you truly are a grandpa. #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. and I rest our case. (We would make an amazing lawyer team on a TV show so let’s hear some offers!)

Chelsie shows up (ANOTHER girl with a weird fucking spelling!!) which is not that exciting but I’ll let her prove me wrong. Also Jared is still reading Ashley I.’s letter as the credits roll.

According to the “Sneak Pee-k” of tonight’s episode on the Bachelor website, Juelia gets stung by a jellyfish and needs someone to pee on her. Too bad Joe isn’t here anymore, I hear he pees on bitches like fire hydrants!

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Villains Gonna Vill”

August 18, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

This shit is getting more complicated than my beauty regimen, which let me tell you has SEVERAL moving parts.

Four seconds in, Juelia tells Sam about Joe’s sneaky ass behavior. Except she says that Joe asked her on a date “right away.” Love ya girl, but no. Not how that shit went down. Remember when he was like, “I don’t give a shit who wants to go on this date with me, I’ll take anyone, who wants to ride horses?” And you were like, “I like to ride horses, Joe.” Sorry boo, but my memory is crystal fucking clear on this.

Anyway Sam thinks this is a “little too much drama” even though she’s the one who’s been plotting with Joe since the dawn of time. (Tanner has SEEN THE SCREEN GRABS.)

So Joe and Sam have this super, top secret conversation where they completely forget they have their fucking mic packs on. Sam sees a cameraman and keeps whispering and I’m going, “BITCH YOUR MICROPHONE IS ON.” They intercut this heavily-subtitled conversation with Sam’s most recent interview, which they play in a dark vignette as visual proof that she is a goddamn liar.

We switch gears as Amber shows up to the house, super excited to date Dan and hang out with her BFF Ashley S. (Cue a producer rubbing their hands together, eyes turning black.) Amber asks Dan on a date and he says yes but needs to talk to Ashley S. about it.

Except that when you talk to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S, she takes no prisoners. She looks straight at him and says, “You’re such a man, but you couldn’t be a man to me.” Bye Dan, your balls just got chopped off and she’s about to throw them into the fucking sand. Also she can tell that one of the birds is blind so she is obviously a sorcerer.

Meanwhile JJ and Megan go on their date and it’s boring and they’re on a boat. Megan says some cheesy ass line about how this is the quickest she’s gotten wet on a date and it’s like HA GOOD ONE.

On Amber and Dan’s date, the townspeople of Puerto Vallarta demand they kiss and I start to panic about the mob mentality of the world. Amber has to walk no fewer than four miles in wedges until they’re finally at some tiny dinner table that I’m pretty sure they could have put a little closer to where they were earlier.

Amber admits that when she’s home watching hot pieces get out of The Bachelorette limos (noshing on some kind of delicious snack, I hope), she marks down the ones she wants to bone by putting a star next to their name. That’s like me telling you guys that while I sit in traffic I talk to myself and pretend I’m being interviewed on the radio. I would never tell you that, it is embarrassing and between me and God. Apparently Dan is a DOUBLE STAR, which is like me telling you I also pretend I’m being interviewed while I put on my makeup. It’s like, not helping.

It’s time for the big bro-down (showdown of bros), where Joe is finna get his ass handed to him. The guys confront him and Joe keeps talking about digging up dead bodies. Somewhere in his pathetic attempt at explaining himself we learn that before everyone goes on the show they submit a list of people they’d like to see in paradise to the producers. Innnnnteresting.

Joe’s list was SAM, SAMANTHA, SAMANTHA FROM CHRIS’ SEASON, SAM. JJ’s had 8 people. I would like to be a fly on the wall in the meeting where someone at ABC takes their headshots and slides them around trying to decide who’s arriving next to BREAK THE HEARTS of the people already there. “Yes! She’ll be basically suicidal at that point. Should we take a coffee break?”

Now Joe and JJ talk with their faces very close to each other. Joe is still a fucking pussy so they don’t fight.

What does happen is JJ says that Joe is a circular reference, which is some complex shit for a hockey player. Jared (been missin’ you, buddy!) caps us off with, “Joe Bailey, from America’s Sweetheart to America’s Most Wanted. One week flat.” You been writing taglines on the side, bro? That shit was fire.

Next week promises more fun in the sun, and by fun I mean tears. What an incredible journey so far!!

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

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The Bachelor Premiere recap: “Please Tell Me You Don’t Have a Little Wiener”

The Bachelor Recap: “There’s Our Boyfriend.”

The Bachelor Recap: “It’s Either Good News, Or Bad News.”

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Was it the arousing cheese?”

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Villains Gonna Vill”