CHINA CHINA CHINA CHINA CHINA CHINA CHINA.
Tag: wtf
Mating Calls
By Sam Jarvis
The blue-eyed, red-breasted phillabrew is a bird of great complexity. Feeding on mainly seeds, it lives much of its adult life high in the treetops resting on branches and pruning its feathers. But in the early stages of adulthood, the male phillabrews retain many of their feathers, aspiring to fluff them out should they meet a suitable mate for breeding.
It is not difficult for the blue-eyed, red-breasted phillabrew to find a female companion with whom they wish to procreate. Their challenge, is convincing the female that he is the best option for her. Approximately three or four days after its initial contact with a female, he will take out his cell phone and text her. The correspondence varies, but usually begins with “hey” and will have some form of “babe” peppered in. He will sit on his couch, smoke weed with his friends, and wait for a response while pretending he does not care. Research has found that he actually does care, but doesn’t want to come off as a pussy to his fellow bro birds.
In very rare instances this approach will work, eliciting a response from a female who is either looking for a serious boyfriend, or just wants to get laid and thinks Jason is “cute enough.” They will go out a few times, usually somewhere kind of inexpensive so that the male doesn’t have to spend his fortune in the process of fornication. The females will notice this, and although statistically they will still mate with the male phillabrews, they will be silently annoyed that he can’t get his shit together and spend a little more money on the wine.
Turns out cheap wine gets you just as buzzed as the good stuff, so the females will inevitably go home with them. High up in the branches, he will kiss her. It is worth noting that most male phillabrews are bad at kissing, a combination of inflated ego and the fact that their beaks make it difficult. His performance usually worsens as the night goes on, the male thinking he is doing a great job pleasing her while the female is kind of going, “Oh great, I’ve officially lost all sexual attraction to you.” Science however, suggests that we shouldn’t place too much blame on the male. Sure, he can’t find most of her female parts, but can you point out the female parts on a bird? You can’t. You are sitting here right now thinking oh my god, where are all of their parts! Where are the male parts, even?! So you see, it’s more complicated than you think.
Want more weird shit? Try What Really Happens When Girls Go To The Bathroom In Groups.
Or maybe you’ve been asking yourself How Many Houseplants Is Too Many? 10,000?
OR you want to hear about My Date With Gary Busey.
“More links! More links!!” -You guys.
Music On Repeat
Mura Masa – Lotus Eater
When I Get Home From Work
It’s all just a daze of Bravo and food.
Would You Bump The Trump?
The Bachelor Women Tell All Recap: “It’s Hard To Watch It Back.”
You know when you break up with 26 people, and then they all sit in a room together with a shit ton of fake eyelashes on and talk about you? BEN GETS ME.
We kick off the Women Tell All (alternate title: Women Are Mad!) with Ben and Chris hitting up some Bachelor Nation viewing parties. They just walk in the front door of people’s houses as if nobody in the entire country locks their fucking doors at night. Lock your doors, people!
There are a couple things to take from this beautiful adventure Chris and Ben are on together. First, one of these houses has 40 girls in it. FORTY GIRLS! If I lined up all my girlfriends, including my best friend when I was 3 (Paige from Apple School), there would be like, twelve people. Quality over quantity, aight? Look at all these betches:
The second thing to take from it is the cake with Chris Harrison’s face on it that says, “Hare for the right reasons.” I honestly have no fucking idea what this cake is about. Easter hasn’t even HAPPENED yet. Is it a play on the name hare-ison? This is absolute crazytown.
At the Tell All, I assume Ben is chilling backstage eating veggie dip and/or a hummus platter from craft services while Chris introduces all the women scorned. They start going through them and it’s like who are these people?! So many girls I totally forgot about and a few I am positive I have never seen before in my life.
Chris plays footage of the DRAMA and we cover all the bases: Lace, Jubilee, Leah, Olivia. Remember Lace? (“How could I forget her when she haunts my dreams at night.” -You)
We get into it with Leah and by we I mean Chris Harrison straight up turns to her and goes, “Leah, what happened with you?” and the crowd BOOS HER.
Don’t roll on Lauren B, girl! Don’t. Roll. On. Lauren. B. Leah doesn’t think her PRIVATE (FILMED and MIC-ED) conversation should be discussed among the girls even though I have discussed it among MY girls, and I don’t know any of these people personally, professionally, or otherwise.
Leah’s not looking good in this but it’s Jamie who’s really shitting the bed. She is talking like, way too much. You weren’t there, Jamie! Nobody remembers you, JAMIE. However Jamie’s blabbering is a nice segue* into the Jubilee conversation.
*UMM DID YOU KNOW THIS IS HOW YOU SPELL THE WORD SEGWAY?? WHAT THE FUCK.
Amber and Jamie are mad at Jubilee because she kept saying how she was the only full black girl on the show. Chris Harrison’s white ass is like hmm I’m going to chill by these very nice flameless candles and let you guys work it out. Not touching this topic with a 5 million foot pole. (“Siri, remind me to google full black girl definition later” -Chris whispering into his phone)
After Jamie repeats herself 70 fucking times Leah literally turns to her and is like, “Get over it” which I believe is her subtle way of clapping back at Jamie for her earlier bullshit.
Jubilee apologizes for anything that offended them, because she’s a badass bitch and girl can step up when she needs to. I always liked that knucklehead. It’s time for Jubilee to sit with Chris and it’s here I remember these girls have to relive their entire fucking journey in a video package before Chris forces them to talk about it. This is the exact face I would make if I had to watch a highlight reel of my past relationships:
Neat footage, fuckers. However Jubilee is still a little sads about how it went down, as evident by this single tear:
It’s Lace’s turn in the hot seat, and I am officially buried under my throw blanket, head poking out as if I just heard the loudest clap of thunder while home alone because my parents are out at the boat gambling. In short: I am scared. Lace is so fucking happy to watch herself cry. She thinks her own heartbreak is HILARIOUS:
This is of course the sign of a serial killer. BUT, the one thing she learned from being on the show was to be aware of her facial expressions. This makes me smile. There is a 100% chance I would totally change everything about my expressions after watching myself on a reality show. Has Olivia opened her mouth once since this circus of an evening started? No. No she hasn’t.
Now some guy interrupts them to show us a tattoo of Lace’s face on his body and Chris Harrison wants us to think this was a totally random occurrence even though he is the only god damn man in the ENTIRE audience.
Lace is officially invited to Bachelor in Paradise, coming this summer to ABC!™, and I cannot wait. Sure, the bachelor’s more magical. But Bachelor in Paradise is more sunburn-y, which honestly might be better.
Olivia is up, which means all the girls are cracking their knuckles, ready to actually murder this bitch if she calls herself Olivia Higgins. This is where things start to get squirrely. 1) Amanda has no voice, which is not the worst news in the world since her voice drives me un poco loco. 2) Olivia is going to be in DOUBLE TROUBLE with the twins tonight. 3) Who the FUCK is Izzy.
Olivia makes some great points here. Sure, she stole him away first at cocktail parties, but these catty bitches made fun of her breath and her toes and her breasts! Yas, girl. Speak on it. She says she was bullied as a kid and some random girl who I think is named Jennifer goes, “Well if you were bullied as a kid, wouldn’t you learn to change your behavior?” NOTICE TO ALL CHILDREN: THIS IS BAT SHIT CRAZY. Pret-ty sure that’s not how bullying works, ya piece of shit.
Basically any plan of vengeance against Olivia has backfired completely, because every time someone I don’t recognize yells at her all I can think is WHO ARE YOU. Were you ON the show or are you like, a lighting woman yelling at Olivia? Also I fucking hate the twins and want them to, in Leah’s words, get over it.
Olivia says she’s sowwy, guys. Not a single betch apologizes to her for ripping apart her body on national television, so that’s nice. Way to keep it classy, ladies.
Caila sits with Chris and has to watch her breakup with Ben, which when you think about it happened very recently. She misses him, and Lauren H. obviously feels all of the feels about it:
It’s time for Ben to face his outer demons (yup, I just called them that) and I bet he’s sweating through his suit. Chris also mentions that because Ben said I love you to two women, he’s already Fucked with a capital F.
The girls get to ask him “closure questions” and Jubilee needs to know why when he dumped her he didn’t give her another chance like how he gave Caila or JoJo anther chance when they weren’t opening up? That might not have been what she was asking but she said SO MANY WORDS before she got to an actual question that Ben and my eyes are completely glazed over.
It’s Amanda’s turn and she’s just like Ben, you’re great, keep doin you, pal. It is so silly and fabulous. Chris asks if Ben can tell the twins apart and I am THE MOST sad when he gets them right. I would call up Time Warner and let them charge me $29.99 to watch him get that wrong.
We’re onto the blooper reel, and I am giggling through this entire thing. Who doesn’t love a blooper reel? All I want to do for the rest of my life is watch people swat at bugs and trip down stairs. They also show Becca in the middle of a serious conversation where she calls Ben Chris, as in Chris Soules from last season. HA! Finally a non-boring moment from Becca.
Chris Harrison sums up the night by saying how much America has loved Ben and how he’s, “on the Rushmore” as far as top bachelor dudes go and it’s like Jesus, Chris, suck his dick already.
We get a preview of next week’s finale, and here is what Ben’s mom thinks about all this in-love-with-two-women drama:
Tune in next Monday for the THREE HOUR live event (my bedtime is going to get completely blown out of the water). Here’s what I’ll be doing as I watch… stuffing my god damn face:
Read last week’s fantasy suite recap here.
Check out more of my recaps here.
An Open Letter To The Wax Figure of Sofia Vergara
By Sam Jarvis
Dear Wax Figure of Sofia Vergara,
Thank you for taking the time to read this, even though you are made of wax so I assume you are illiterate. It’s still kind of you to maintain aggressive eye contact with this piece of paper as I hold it mere inches in front of your face. You haven’t blinked in several minutes, so I’m pretty sure you’re absorbing the information.
I write to you today, because I want to tell you that I understand everything you’re going through. I can’t imagine how agonizing it would be to know that while you look like the creepy fraternal twin of Sofia, you lack her accent and bubbly personality that is so adored by millions. It can’t be fun to have breasts that are sculpted to perfection, but are missing the bounce and natural movement that make them so iconic. And perhaps worst of all, there is no wax figure of Joe Manganiello. You spend every night alone in this room. Well you aren’t technically alone, you are surrounded by Wax Figure Rihanna and Wax Figure Heidi Klum, but I’ve never heard either of them speak a single word.
Sure, you look a lot like the highest paid actress in television. That’s nice. But those residual checks have no mention of you OR Madame Tussaud. You have to tell people you were made in London, which is wayyy less interesting than Colombia. They speak English in London, did you know that? So boring. I assume you would defend all of this by saying that none of it matters, that your one true happiness in this world is your 24-year-old son Manolo and as long as he’s good, you’re good. But he isn’t your son, he’s Sofia’s. You’re as barren as a chunk of plaster and wax because you ARE a chunk of plaster and wax.
I don’t mean to put you down. I respect everything you do, even though all you do is stand there. Your skin looks just as flawless as it did yesterday when I visited and brought you that nice wedge of brie. You keep a smile literally glued to your face day in and day out, nobody ever stopping to think hey, what if this inanimate object has a complex set of emotions? I’ve thought of these things, but only because I’m currently in an intimate relationship with an ottoman. So I get it, you know?
Anyway, I guess I should let you go. The line behind me is truly horrified that I refuse to put this letter down and walk to the next figure until I am absolutely positive that you’ve gotten to the end of it. I just want you to know that I support you, and also that things aren’t really working out with the ottoman and I wanted to see if you’d like to grab a drink sometime? You know what, let’s hold off on that drink, because at this very moment I’m getting arrested for licking your ear. Wow, everybody in this museum is like, super mad at me right now. I’ll write you from prison!!
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Read more of my short humor pieces here.
The Bachelor Recap: “We Woke Up As A Couple.”
Hope you stuffed a granola bar in your pocket, ‘cause this emotional roller coaster is about to get stuck at the top of a huge ass drop. I’m sweating already.
We’re in Jamaica for the FANTASY DATES, and Ben is doin’ a lot of thinking before he sees these women. He’s also climbing what I can only describe as a poor man’s Machu Picchu.
Caila’s date is first and they go rafting on one of the rivers I think Ocho Rios, Jamaica is named after. (Not to brag about my education, but I happen to know that ocho rios means eight rivers.) Also, I want one of these wooden rafts with the bench (we know how much Caila loves benches), but I truly would have NOWHERE to put it in my apartment.
So they’re on this date and I’m going to be honest with you, it’s a little awks. Caila is starting to freak the fuck out because there are other betches still in this thing and look, honey, when you’re right, you’re right. Ain’t no way in hell I’m cool as a cucumber when I know my man is also dating Jojo and Lauren B. Thanks for the fun dates, I’m gonna go pack my bags. It’s been a really neat journey.
Ben is having a great ol’ time on this fucking raft, as evident by him saying things like, “I’m a 26-year-old man who’s like a kid right now.” Not to hate, but the word man should be used verrrry loosely when talking about a 26-year-old. Men are not people who JUST started paying for their own health insurance, you feel me?
Caila says I love you and can “feel it in his breath that he feels the same.” I don’t want to feel a god damn thing in someone’s breath, not even love. I like a dude’s breath to be pure nothingness. Or whiskey.
They kiss in the water and all I can think about is how many fucking blue gels these production people are using. (A gel is a filter you throw on a light to make shit a certain color. Pret-ty high tech.) Anyway they are TOTES USING THEM HERE.
They take the fantasy suite key to “forego their individual rooms and spend the night together as a couple,” which is Bach producer talk for they be fuxsin.
We’re onto Lauren B.’s date and girl is in some tiny ass shorts. He’s stoked on it, and their activity for the day is RELEASING BABY SEA TURTLES. Guys. Real talk. These tiny baby sea turtles are the cutest little nuggets I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s possible that the 2.5 tequila shots I’ve done since I started this program are contributing to my mood but hand to God I could burst into tears at any moment watching these little suckers.
Ben tells her he cried to her hot sister when talking about her and she thinks it’s muy adorbs. Now’s a good time to also mention that Lauren B.’s body is pretty bangin. Doesn’t ooze sex like Jojo, but as my girl Jordan (who diligently watches with me while I pause the TV 50,000 times to take screenshots) says, “Like, she works out.” Yas, Jor. Speaking truth.
Lauren is tripping balls because she wants to say I love you and somehow can’t, but then she does. This is the part in the episode I was talking about earlier. We are juuuust getting to the top of a rickety fuckin’ carnival ‘coaster and that shit is about to lock up and keep us dangling there for the next 1.5 hours.
She goes, “I am completely in love with you.” His response, like everything he says, starts with, “Um.” But then he pulls that shit together and SAYS I LOVE YOU BACK. This is some CUTE SHIT right here. Reallll fucking cute. As I shovel the last of a taco into my mouth (it was Mexican night at my house, okay? Sometimes we theme it) I hear myself say, “I’m having a lot of feelings.”
Now that Ben’s told her he loves her, he says it 95 more times. Can’t stop saying it! Even the next morning after what I assume was some passionate bonin’ he looks at her dead serious and is like, “I do love you.” Boy is so fucking in right now. Trouble’s a-brewin.
It’s Jojo’s date, which means it’s helicopter time! The Bachelor’s bread and butter.
Meanwhile Jordan and I are sitting on my couch discussing MEN. And THEIR BEHAVIOR. Because Ben just had maybe the realest night in Bachelor history with Lauren B, confessing his god damn LOVE for her, and now this is happening:
Another thing that’s happening is Bachelor editors are painting in bikinis again. They took one look at Jojo’s side boob and someone was like, “Nope. Open up Kid Pix and get the taupe-colored paint brush!” Look at this painted side boob:
Jojo tells him she loves him and he, SUPER CASUAL, says it back and she does a literal double take. Girl is like wait, what? And then she legit tries to cover her face and whispers, “Are you allowed to say that?” Because like I said last week, there are RULES on this show and when you go wackadoo on Jojo and me, it gets very confusing for all of us.
Then they make out in front of a waterfall.
This, in my mind, is where Ben starts to unravel. He is in WAYYY over his head and that shit is going to bite him in the ass harder than a mosquito with fucking Zika virus.
They eat at a nice restaurant where let me tell you, they were lucky to get a table. Get it? ‘Cause there’s one fucking table. They don’t eat food but they do sit in front of food and talk, and Jojo is so in love with him that I’m now wondering how in the hell Ben sleeps at night. Then I remember that these dates are all in a row and I’m like shit, this mother fucker has been up for three god damn days! No wonder he’s saying I love you to everyone, he probably said it to his favorite palm tree today too.
They discuss her hometown date and how RUDE her brothers were, and I swear to God for a second I expect Ben to go, “And that’s why I brought them to Jamaica!!” as he turns his head and they appear out of the jungle. Thankfully this does not happen.
Jojo’s body continues to be the definition of insanity and it’s really making me question everything I’ve eaten in the last 24 hours/27 years.
Ben looks into Jojo’s eyes and goes, “We’re on the same page” and I laugh OUT LOUD and want to ask him what kind of page is that? Is it a page in the world’s largest book and you guys are standing a mile and a half away from each other? No way they’re ON THE SAME PAGE.
They go back and forth saying, “You’re cute.” “No YOU’RE cute.” And it’s like guys, it’s settled, you’re both the cutest people I’ve probably ever seen in my life.
Now that all three sexytime dates are over Ben sits in an Adirondack chair and realizes he’s in some DEEP SHIT. Dude is in love with two different women! But Caila’s going to help a brother out by visiting him. Eeeeee! Not going to go well, babe. She sneaks up behind him like the woman of my dreams if those dreams were specifically nightmares.
She is SUPER excited to see him and the crazy comes out in Caila. It’s something I always knew about her. Suddenly Ben is like whoa, bitch, I wasn’t ready to break up with you RIGHT THIS SECOND but now that you’re here and annoying the shit out of me…
They talk and there is always a point in these break ups where the girl knows. She doesn’t even need to hear the, “But…” after he compliments her. It’s seconds before that. Here is Caila’s face as she figures this shiz out:
He dumps her ass and girl is like WOW, you can stop saying nice things to me, this is a terrible moment in my life and I’d like to GTFO of here right now.
She sits in the car and then GETS OUT OF THE CAR and I’m screaming at my TV because nobody GETS OUT OF THE CAR, okay? But she does and she gets out with a vengeance. Caila wants answers. She wants to know if he fucked her knowing that he was going to send her home. The short answer is Yes, but his answer has a lotttttt more words in it that are trying to sound like the word No but don’t quite get there.
Ben is very upset by all of this. I get it, you feel bad, but get your shit together. It is about to get 100 times shittier when you have to dump a girl you said I love you to three days earlier. Suit up.
In the car Caila says she still loves him and it’s like yeah we know, he broke up with you six minutes ago. But I feel for her because she is experiencing all of the sads. She’s also making the exact face I make in almost all social situations:
For the rose ceremony Chris Harrison is back and when I say back I mean he is giving PURE POKER FACE. Cannot be cracked while he greets these women.
Both girls are like hm, where the fuck is Caila. Ben does not explain and hands out roses anyway. Jojo gets the first one, Lauren B. gets the second. This rose ceremony is VERY awkward, mostly because they GROUP HUG after and it is like, triple-cringe. Triple. Cringe.
Next week is the tell all and here are some things I’d like answered: Why did Lauren H. make out with the ventriloquist dummy? Have Haley and Emily’s dachshunds lost any weight? It’s unhealthy for them to be that sausage-y. And finally: Has Olivia gotten her mind right? No? I bet Ben’s pumped.
Read last week’s hometown recap here.
Check out more of my recaps here.
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