The Bachelorette Recap: “Why Am I Crying?”

June 28, 2016June 29, 20162 Comments

Do you ever lie in bed and think man, I miss Chad. And Evan. And Grant. And Vinny. And even Canadian Daniel. No? K. Me neither.

We’re in Buenos Aires, and traveling is one of the funnest things for Jojo. Yes she says funnest and yes, I die a little inside. I want to believe she’s smart and she is absolutely ruining it.

Wells gets the one-on-one date and everybody seems really happy for him, until he says he and Jojo haven’t kissed yet and they all cock their heads to the side like dogs who just heard your weird cousin blow into his Weenie Whistle. They’re like HUH??

He gets ready for his date and proudly shows off his matching leather jacket and duffel, which he obviously bought as a set.

Luke immediately asks Jojo and Wells if they’re going to kiss today. That Luke I tell ya, he low key stirs the pot. Just sneaks into the kitchen like a 6’ foot tall bowlegged Keebler elf and gives the wooden spoon a few turns.

The boys cannot stop talking about Wells and this kiss. One of them even says, “If it’s not the best kiss he’s ever given, he might be going home.” I am giving my television more side-eye than the strange toys Wells and Jojo play with on their date.

They go to some sort of performance art place, where betches dance in a suspended pool made out of clear tarp and I’m starting to have flashbacks of the first time I ate mushrooms. It’s a kaleidoscope of terror.

Meanwhile the rest of the dudes just chill in a sitting area like FUCKING LOSERS. Do a puzzle or something, guys! Don’t just mingle way too close to each other in fancy chairs.

Wells and Jojo finally kiss, because LOOK AT JOJO’S BODY. You can’t not kiss that body.

After they kiss he immediately says, “You and I are probably different people,” which I know is the beginning of the end for ol’ Wells. At dinner she asks about his ex and he doesn’t really want to talk about it. LADIES, a PSA: any time a guy is weird about talking about their ex, you should be worried. It is NOT a good sign.

Jojo can’t give Wells the rose. Technically she CAN, but she says she can’t. This show is complicated, you know?

She cries, because girl is starting to realize that she is gonna have to dump a SHIT TON of dudes and it turns out dumping people is like, not that fun.

Back at the hotel the guys seem SHOCKED that Wells doesn’t come back. Look at these nerds:

A bunch of guys get the group date card, leaving Chase and Derek for the epic SECOND 2-on-1 of the season. They’re both pissed about it but I’m sitting on my couch with a belly full of seafood ready to get this shit poppin’.

On the group date somebody makes Alex stand the furthest away from the camera, which is not doing him any favors.

They play a very-arranged pickup game of soccer with some locals, and James T. is just in awe of how perfect all these dudes are. Four perfect dudes and goofy ass James T.

The main thing to take from this is that the cinematographers at ABC may have worked on the Lord of the Rings movies, because they are doing some forced-perspective camera work that rivals hobbits eating at a table any day. Look how small these people look! It’s madness!

Reminds me of the time Natalie and I posed for this beautiful photo:

BUT I DIGRESS. Anyway is Jojo having the best day ever? I don’t know, you tell me.

At the cocktail party Luke and Jojo talk, and by talk I mean they make out like god damn crazy. It is fucking PASSIONATE. He’s pulling on her hair, she’s got her hand in his crotch.

I’m uncomfortable watching and I’m pretty sure my boyfriend has a boner.

During his time, James T. talks shit about Aaron Roger’s brother and it’s got Jojo all sorts of concerned, because James is her little Labrador puppy who would never in a million years lie to her and just wants to be her best friend forever. Also he’d like some wet food, if you’ve got it.

She and James T. kiss and now I’m wondering how much making out she has to do with people she doesn’t like. What if you were on this show and had to just like, make out with whoever leaned into your face. Ugh.

Anyway Aaron Roger’s brother is like, fucking PISSED at James. He comes back from talking to Jojo and just sits and swirls his white wine in complete silence like a mental patient with a big secret. He is SWIRLING IT WITH PURPOSE.

Everybody’s basically like are you having a seizure, bro? What is happening? He does NOT like that James said he was acting entitled. He doesn’t even know what entitled means, okay? He honestly doesn’t and he keeps asking what entitled looks like, what entitled means. Somebody get this motherfucker a pocket dictionary.

Luke gets the rose because although she had to make out with James and listen to Aaron Roger’s brother word vomit the most bullshit string of sentences ever, girl is all about dat cowboy. When you wanna fuck someone, you wanna fuck someone, ya know? It’s just science.

On the 2-on-1 date Chase, Derek and Jojo learn how to salsa dance. My question is, why are they constantly painting in Jojo’s bikini bottoms when side vag is totally fine to air?

I mean, WOW. Wow.

Anyway Derek thinks their love is starting and I hear myself say, “Nooo it’s not,” as I shovel greek yogurt into my mouth. They dance, it’s awkward, and I’m starting to realize that Derek looks like a cartoon character.

He talks to her after dinner and guys, he is SO freakin’ lucky to be sitting there with her. He likes her so freakin’ much. Who would’ve thought a freakin’ guy like Derek would get the chance to freakin’ date a girl like freakin’ JOJO. If Derek doesn’t stop saying the word freakin’ I’m going to make Chad find out where he lives and pay him a visit. He has the ability to do that, guys. When this show ends…

Now Jojo talks to Chase, which is very similar to talking to a wall. A beige, boring ass wall. She doesn’t think he likes her and he responds with, “Oh.” He keeps saying he’s starting to have feelings for her and it’s like bro, Robby is already IN LOVE with this bitch. You’re BEHIND.

Chase gets the rose because if he didn’t it would have to go to Derek, and Derek is muy triste about it. So sad in fact, that he’s now referring to himself in the third person by saying, “Derek is imperfect.” It sounds to me like Derek is actually a robot and once he’s done crying he’s going to mumble, “Power off Derek,” as the light dims in his eyes.

ALSO while he sits there and sobs an opera singer performs Don’t Cry For Me Argentina (that country has one song, apparently) and it is SO CRAZY. They keep cutting from Derek to this woman singing and I honestly don’t know how to describe it. My brow is furrowed and my mouth is wide open for what feels like several minutes.

At the final cocktail party before the rose ceremony (so many phrases in The Bachelor world), Jojo looks like a god damn J’Adore ad.

She and Aaron Roger’s brother get their shit back on track, and Alex feels unimportant but still forces her to make out with him. He is honestly swimming in his clothes. He looks like the kid in Big when he walks home and his clothes keep getting baggier and baggier because he is turning back into a child.

It’s time for her to give out roses and I hear her and I say, in unison, “Robby,” followed by “Jordan.” (Question: Do I have psychic powers? Answer: No, psychic powers are not real.)

My prediction is that James T. will get the final rose because although she does not want to have sex with him, she really doesn’t want to have sex with Alex. Except she CAN’T give out the final rose, she literally can’t even. So she gives it to Chris Harrison and they live happily ever after.

Okay maybe they don’t. Plot twist! Now she has two roses. Man, does this show know how to throw a curveball or WHAT. Alex and James T. both get roses because she thinks she might want to marry both of them. See what I did there? Sarcasm.

We leave on Alex’s salty ass rant about how he isn’t special and he wants to feel wanted. Honey, just take the free trip around the world, okay? ENJOY. IT.

Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.

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PS: What is going on with Alex’s hair this time?? TENDRILS?! Jesus Christ.

But WAIT! There’s MORE!! Bonus recap from one of my best friends:

There you have it, folks! See ya next week.

The Bachelorette Recap: “Let’s Not Pretend I’m Hitler”

June 7, 2016June 7, 20161 Comment

Welp, night one of two started like any days-long rager: sloppy and full of regret!

Everybody is in a MOOD that Chad’s still here, except the villain himself, who gleefully counts calories and scoops protein powder like his life depends on it (maybe it does, I’m no physician).

Some rando named Chase gets the first one-on-one and they go to a yoga studio where they are immediately asked how long they’ve been intimate for. Bleh, cringe. They learn how to ANGER-GASM, which sounds an awful lot like what happens when you have sex with your ex-boyfriend.

Meanwhile Chad and Canadian Daniel are slowly turning the Bachelor Mansion into a god damn Equinox.

Look at these fools! Guys you’re like, sweating all over some very nice ottomans.

Chase gets a rose, and it’s time for the classic Bachelor Private Country Concert With A Singer I’ve Never Heard Of. Where the fuck is Rihanna when you need her?! I’m not making out with anybody unless Bitch Better Have My Money is blasting through the speakers.

The rest of the boyz get a group date card that reads like Schindler’s List. There are like, a thousand names on it and Chad’s pouty ass doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t feel like going on a date with 12 other wangs, okay? Everyone is VERY, DEEPLY offended by this and are not afraid to let him know. (They should be afraid.)

Chad CLAPS BACK by telling Aaron Roger’s brother that he is a 27-year-old failed football player, which is GREAT and completely accurate. He then asks the entire group if they want to fight him before ABC gracefully cuts to a Bachelor-themed Reddi-Whip commercial. Am I more stoned than I realized? None of this is making sense.

On the group date they walk into a theater where a woman is on stage faking an orgasm. They are all horrified.

Vinny “has no idea what she’s doing” and has “never heard anything like that” which does NOT bode well for him.

Turns out they’re going to tell funny sex stories to the audience. Instead of writing his, Canadian Daniel is hard at work on his stick drawing:

Apparently he is illiterate.

In a SHOCKING turn of events, Chad is not being a good sport about the sex story thing. He doesn’t want to talk about his sex life, I assume because he is absolute garbage at it.

Daniel’s up and goes, “She’s tied up at this point… I always carry a knife on me when I’m traveling… Let me chop a piece of her hair off.” GREAT FUCKING STORY, YOU MANIAC. Jesus Christ. If there was a trap door at his feet I am positive Jojo would press a button that’d make him fall into a secret pit and get eaten by a two-headed dragon. (“Wow, what a fun and colorful visual!” -You guys, to me)

Evan plans to make fun of Chad during his sex story, which to me means they boned at the mansion and Evan is about to spill the TEA on Chad’s performance issues. Turns out I’m wrong, and instead he tells the whole audience that Chad does steroids.

I am, at this point, scared for Evan’s life. Chad promptly rips Evan’s shirt when he goes to sit down and Evan is SHOCKED! I am the complete opposite of shocked.

It’s Chad’s turn and he says some bullshit about how the past isn’t important, it’s about the future. He tries to kiss Jojo and gets fucking REJECTED, which is hilarious and beautiful. Did I mention he gets booed? He gets booed.

Backstage he punches the absolute fuck out of a metal door and tells Evan that he’s going to die and you know what? I believe him. Evan is suddenly a HUGE PUSSY and is all like “Hey man, it was all in good fun” even though it was NOT in good fun.

At the cocktail party Chad explains to Jojo that he wasn’t at all mad about the steroids (HA). He was just mad at Evan for walking past him! Ah, yes. It’s all coming together now.

Evan continues to play with fire by puffing up his chest and asking Chad why he’s here. Like a flaccid dick tryna get up in them guts, Evan keeps pushing and pushing.

Evan then gives Jojo an ultimatum. He can’t be in the house with Chad, so either he’s going or Chad’s going. UGH, get a life, Evan!! She gives him a rose and I hear myself say, “Ew” without even realizing it.

She puts the rose in the middle of his fucking shirt and it makes him look like a loser.

“Not on my super cool leather jacket!!” -Evan, trying to win Jojo’s heart.

Chad sees the rose and is like, “Is this real? Is this the real scenario?” I am dying. Dead. Bury me underground. Also is this cocktail party in a terra cotta pottery store?

They’ve now hired a security guard to watch Chad because shit could pop off at ANY. SECOND. Apparently they’ve also secured his perimeter with the handles of all of their suitcases.

James T. gets the last one-on-one date and they learn how to swing dance. Highlights include James shouting, “Smooth!” every five seconds and a woman in her 90s talking about the good ol’ days. It’s all very G-rated and I’m gettin’ the yawns.

Meanwhile Chad eats a sweet potato like a banana and talks to Canadian Daniel.

Daniel tries to explain that Chad is the Hitler of the house, and basically Daniel can’t hang around him any more because then the other guys won’t like him. Chad pretends to listen while continuing to eat his farmer’s market finds.

On James’ date, Jojo is trying to decide if there is romantic chemistry between them, aka does she want to fuck him. He sings to her and she cries AGAIN. James is like, constantly making her cry. He gets a rose.

The next day Chris Harrison and his pink linen show up to explain DUN DUN DUNNNN there will be no cocktail party tonight, and instead Jojo is coming over for a pool party.

They’re all immediately drooling at the thought of her in a bikini except Chad, who obviously doesn’t need to see her in a bikini because, “I know what she probably looks like, I can tell through her dress.” Hey when you’re right, you’re right.

Now I’m pumped, because the pool party is what makes this a dramatic, two-part event.™

Chad wants to rip everybody’s limbs off so I assume that tonight he will, ya know, rip everybody’s limbs off? Here’s to hoping!!

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The Bachelorette Recap: “If You Were Making A Protein Shake…”

May 31, 2016May 31, 20161 Comment

Look I’m going to be honest, I really shit the bed on this one. My rosé drunk, long-weekend ass didn’t realize this shit wasn’t recording until 8:09, so we’re gonna have to jump right into the action. My bad, y’all. My bad.

I turn on the TV in sheer panic/blind rage, only to find Chad the Villain lifting a DIY luggage weight belt like some kind of deranged lunatic who’s been held in administrative segregation too long. (You guys watch Lockup? You should. It’s great.)

Also a bunch of bros are on a group date at a fire station, including Grant the actual fire fighter. No pressure, dude, but if you fuck this up you’re going to be the laughing stock of your entire station. Even the Dalmatian I assume every fire department has is going to be chuckling his spotted doggy face off.

Wells is on the date and he is like, NOT equipped to be a fire fighter. He looks like he should be sipping Perrier on a fucking sailboat, not running through actual flames to save lives. Or as he describes himself, “I’m so much not like everyone else here.”

Gorgeous sentence. He should be a writer.

Wells is suddenly paler than Emma Stone’s upper thigh so I know he’s about to faint. Jojo comes to his aid and now everyone wishes THEY were about to faint. Guys, calm down. Do you really think she wants to fuck a guy who gets light headed after five minutes in a slightly heavy jacket? Negative.

Back at the mansion the rest of the guys write a song about Jojo called, wait for it, Jojo. Sounds like a hit, get Rihanna on the hook and send that shit to Seacrest.

They’re also hanging out in a kitchen that has so much god damn food I am FREAKING. OUT. Look at all this produce!!

I mean, my God. How many bell peppers can twenty men need? If you’re a Borrower (a tiny human living in the walls of a house, duh), this is the kitchen you wanna be in.

On the group date it’s down to Grant the fire fighter and Luke the cowboy, in an epic race to save Jojo from a burning building to win more time with her. Obviously Grant is going to crush it because if he doesn’t he will probably leap off the building. But Luke, I gotta say, is a big ol’ bag of yum in the process.

Even after Grant wins, Fainty Wells gets the rose. But you know what he doesn’t get? A kiss because LIKE I SAID, there is nothing sexy about weakness and girl is all about the two men who made it to the final challenge like god damn men.

It’s time for her one-on-one date with Derek, and all the dudes are forced to watch them leave in what must be the most emasculating send off of their lives.

“Bye Jojo, have fun! Bye Derek, hope you fall off a cliff and break every bone in your body!”

Their date is going to be all about CHOICES, and of course the first thing they do is get on a prop plane. Hi, remember me, Sam Jarvis? The hilarious bitch who HATES PROP PLANES??

Like, no. NO. No. Here’s a choice: go fuck yourself. I’m never getting on a prop plane.

Back at the house, Canadian Daniel and Chad the Villain are having a very important meeting for their Black Tank Top Club.

Chad thinks everyone is an ingenuine piece of shit, which he explains with the most confusing, absurd protein shake analogy I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Yo, what the FUCK are you talking about? It’s here I realize that Chad is a muscle-obsessed douchenoodle. At first I thought he was just your average bad boy with a chiseled jaw, but the second I piece together luggage weight belts and protein shake analogies it’s like fuck, I am OUT.

On their one-on-one Derek gets choked up talking about his last relationship, which ended three years ago. Dude is like, straight up crying and I immediately think he’s about to say that his high school sweetheart was crushed to death in a tractor accident. Nope, she just cheated on him. Um, yawn. Big fuckin’ deal! Why don’t you cry about it OH WAIT YOU ALREADY ARE.

On the second group date they go to ESPN and play a little game called BachelorNation. I personally wish they’d gone to ESPN Zone for some pop-a-shot, but you can’t win them all. They have to do touchdown dances, someone refers to Jojo as “merchandise,” and everybody has to fake propose to her. Basically, shit is awkward as FUCK.

Chad knows it’s awkward as fuck, and won’t tell her why he loves her because spoiler alert, he doesn’t love her. Girl just wants to hear some good qualities about herself and he promptly calls her NAGGY. Audible gasps. Everyone: outraged. You’d think he just called her a cunt by how flabbergasted they are.

Chad’s in the hot seat and explains that he was just being honest. And you know what? Jojo’s bad boy lovin’ ass buys that shit faster than a pair of espadrilles at Saks Off Fifth.

Back in what I assume is the room from Top Chef where they wait to hear who got kicked off because they over salted their pork loin, Chad is starting to unravel.

He doesn’t get why everyone is obsessed with her and is like, “Is this the first pretty girl y’all have seen?” Chad’s fucked some hot pieces, okay? Don’t get it twisted.

They leave ESPN and go to another cocktail party, where James T. explains to Jojo that although he is not named Abs McGee, he does have a love poem to read her. She CRIES and I have to give it to him, shit was pretty adorable.

More importantly Alex picks the WRONG CHAIR TO SIT IN.

Some Bachelor producer must be real fucking proud of themselves for this shit. They stood in a fancy ass production meeting like, “And we’ll have the short guy sit in this humongous chair!” Raise, benefits, matching 401k for that genius.

Chad is missing at the start of the rose ceremony and of course he’s just sittin’ on the steps of the mansion, whiskey in hand, waiting for Jojo like the start of some weird stalker movie.

What was the one with Mark Wahlberg where he fingers Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster and then kills her dog? Fear? It’s like that, kind of.

All the bros are pissed about it and DEMAND. AN EXPLANATION. Chad’s all, I went out to get some air and they’re all, well did you see Jojo? And he’s all yeah I did I said ‘sup and they’re all well what ELSE did you say? It is the dumbest exchange I’ve ever seen and every single one of these guys could benefit from taking a fucking Xanax.

And now for a segment I like to call Chad and His Meats. Chad eats tons and tons of deli meat during this party and I am suddenly starting to think it is possible that Chad is my soulmate.

Maybe that’s really all I need in life and it doesn’t matter if my partner is a complete psycho with serious anger issues, so long as I have someone to sit and eat honey maple turkey with, you know? Things to think about.

In reality Chad is eating all of this meat so he can beef up (LOL) for the big fight he’s about to get in. He explains to BFF Canadian Daniel that everyone here is a pussy to which Daniel responds, “a gang, ey?” Jesus Christ. (“Could he BE any more Canadian?” –Chandler Bing)

Chad keeps cutting into everyone’s time with Jojo and Alex is OVER IT and somehow thinks he can take him. He wants to punch him in the face, which is hilarious because if he swung for Chad’s face I think his fist would land somewhere mid-chest. Chad is 6’4’’, buddy. That is one tall drink of toxic water and he will pound your face in.

Chad gets up in Alex’s grill and goes, “Keep it up and you’re going to lose your teeth.” I am now rubbing my hands together and chuckling, gleefully sipping my vanilla milkshake as I turn up the volume on my TV. Now we’re getting into it!!

Chad gets the final rose and everybody is shocked, JUST SHOCKED, even though he has the best body in the house so really they should be the exact opposite of shocked.

Next week Chad beats the fuck out of somebody, I think. Tune in!

Also, here’s Christian’s dick:

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The Bachelor Finale Recap: “I’m A Lost Man Right Now.”

March 15, 2016March 15, 2016Leave a comment

Well, shit. We made it to the end and like any great fairytale, I find myself wine drunk and full of meatballs, tearfully begging someone to READ. IT. AGAIN.

Chris Harrison immediately teases us with the possibility of a live wedding on After The Final Rose, which is 100% the only way he’s going to get me to stay up that late.

Honestly they should’ve started this 3 hour shit show a little earlier in the day ‘cause real talk I am already sleepy. But EXCITED! Anyway he teases this wedding and Ben’s PASTOR is here. I suddenly hear myself go, “What the fuck is going on,” which is literally what I say about every single thing in life that has anything to do with religion.

Back in Jamaica both of the girls are wearing cutoff shorts 24 hours a day (I assume they have molded to their bodies at this point) and Ben says that his head is a mess. No shade, but I feel like Ben’s head isn’t usually terribly organized anyway.

He talks to his parents and his mom refers to them as “Lauren “ and the “other girl,” in case you wanted to know where she stands on this. Lauren meets his parents and literally holds his mom’s hand while they talk.

Is it VERY STRANGE LOOKING and my hands would get so fucking clammy you’d need one of those tiny forks to pry them open (wow, bad joke). Lauren like, really wants to be part of the Higgins family. #NeverForget that Lauren wants a life with him. Like, a life life life.

Jojo meets his parents the next day and brings them a conch shell with flowers in it. Not my favorite choice, but she’s basically been at sea for a month so I’ll let it slide.

Ben tells his folks about all of their moments. About how they had a date here, a date there, how she laid her head on his shoulder and they talked. I cannot IMAGINE saying that shit to my parents. “Hey mom I really like this guy, I put my head on his shoulder and we talked.” My mom would be like Sam get a fucking LIFE!

Jojo asks Ben if he’s ready to get married at the end of this and he says yes while SHAKING HIS HEAD NO. He’s a 26-year-old smokeshow, so I don’t see why he is even pretending he wants to get married at all. Give it ten years, buddy! There is so much pussy to be had.

His parents smell the huge mound of shit Ben currently stands in so his dad goes, “Unfortunately you can’t propose to two different ladies,” which I would only say if Ben were 85 and in a nursing home trying to decide between Esther and Mary Jo. Ladies?? They aren’t old maids, DAD.

Ben is really starting to freak the fuck out. As is his mom. She cries and is like, super worried about who he’s going to choose because it’s SUCH a big decision and I’m starting to wonder if she thinks he is contractually obligated to marry the one he chooses? This is a television show, Amy. It’s not AS big of a deal as you think it is.

We keep checking back with Chris Harrison but really we keep checking in on Ben’s god damn pastor, who stands in the wings of the studio reading a Bible. Look I don’t care if you’re a pastor: when you get flown to LA to be on television, I would think you’d rather count all the lights on stage or try to identify which people milling about are the executive producers, than reread a book you’ve read a million fucking times.

Lauren and Ben have their final date, where they lie on a boat together and talk.
I would be SO BARFY on this date I can’t even tell you. Yeah sure, let’s drop anchor and just chat about our love together while we sway up, and down… up and down… up and down. I could throw up thinking about it.

I am however totally into the fact that Ben is mentally losing his shit. GOOD. Do you know how many bachelors have just super casually dumped somebody without suffering any devastating inner turmoil? Basically Ben could use a fucking Xanax.

He def wants to explain this whole “I also said I love you to Jojo” business, but all he can get out is the phrase “No matter what happens…” which is the #1 thing someone in Lauren’s position does NOT want to hear. Look how not happy she is hearing that:

Ya. But thankfully we cut back to BEN’S PASTOR again just to remind everybody that “No matter what happens” some crazy shit is gonna go down in this finale. (I think I hate Ben’s pastor.)

The first thing Ben says when he sees Jojo for their date is that he is going to pray for clarity. How about you just search through that junk drawer of a brain and figure this shit out yourself, dude. Also I want to pray for some Claritin, because my eyes are itchy as FUCK right now. Jesus. Allergy season AMIRIGHT GUYS?!

He and Jojo make out in front of a waterfall because really that’s what they do best.

She asks if he feels good and Ben being Ben goes, “Um.” Nice try, but girl is NOT going to let you off that easy. He SQUIRMS as Jojo asks why he feels so confused and where they’re going to live after the show wraps and all I can think about is how I bet Ben has had a stomach ache for the past week and a half. I would go through so many fucking Tums on this show.

The main thing to take away from every conversation Jojo has with anybody is that she and Ben are best friends. Then buy each other these adorable avocado bestie necklaces and move on! This is a show about LOVE, not about who you can laugh with as you rip a huge fart.

Jojo needs a sign. SOMETHING to know that he’s going to pick her and she doesn’t fucking get one because he’s not gonna fucking pick her. She asks him the REAL REAL as they sit on a bathroom floor off camera and Ben finally cracks.

She is like, mega sads and feels FOOLISH, okay Ben? Foolish. Back at the live show Chris Harrison says the word dramatic for the 8th or 10,000,000th time tonight. We get it, it’s dramatic! I didn’t expect this finale to be a fucking snoozefest, bro. It’s about the exact level of drama I was anticipating.

Neil Lane asks Ben if he knows who he’s, ya know, PICKING OUT AN ENGAGEMENT RING FOR and Ben looks pret-ty unsure about it.

But in true Bachelor fashion all of a fuckin-sudden he totally knows and surprise! This hasn’t been as confusing for him as we thought. He loves somebody more, plain and simple. Now for the moment of truth.

Jojo and her bad dress come out of the helicopter first and all I can say as I pour the last of my red wine into my glass is, “Oh girl.” Her heart is about to be curb stomped.

She gives him a long speech about their future together and I’m starting to wonder just how sadistic ABC is, because I want to die right now. He says nice things to her and then twists the knife with the magic word, “But…” Here is her face as she realizes she outtie:

Her first reaction is basically WTF?? And then she does the most perfect thing ever which is nod her head and go, “Mhmm.” Oooooh, girl is pissed, Ben! You’ve really done it.

The bad bitch that she is, Jojo lets him have it. She is basically like fuck this NOISE and as they walk out she’s like, “I gotta go,” which is SO classic because she’s had literally nowhere to go for like, 2 months and suddenly she’s acting like her Palm Pilot is jam packed with meetings.

Ben calls Mr. Bushnell and asks for Lauren’s hand in marriage. Is that a thing people still need to do? I get that it’s romantic but the feminist in me is like um, pretty sure you need to be askin THIS BITCH that question but OKAY.

He gets a yes from Lauren B’s dad and then does this very nerdy fist pump into the air as he lets out a big WOO?? I am covered in goose bumps because of how cringey it is. Lauren gets out of the helicopter and he tells her he wants to kiss her face. He then obviously proposes to her and it’s pretty fucking cute, I’ll give them that. Pretty cute indeed.

Chris Harrison immediately goes, “How good was that?” as if we just walked out of a matinee of Hamilton or some shit. The After The Final Rose special is, in a word, LONG. But I patiently wait for what I swear to God better be someone’s god damn wedding at the end of this.

They announce that Jojo is the next Bachelorette (May 23rd, y’all!), which is very exciting partially because I think she is the producer’s WET DREAM of a bachelorette but mostly because I can’t wait to walk into work in the morning and go IN YOUR FACE, FUCKERS!!!!! to everyone because I’ve been saying Lauren B was gonna win and Jojo was going to be the bachelorette for like, 7 weeks now. Oh, you thought Caila was going to be the bachelorette? That’s cute.

The wedding ends up being a god damn cock tease. There totally isn’t one and what they pretended was going to be this big build up to something was just a big build up to a RAMP DOWN. Everybody just stands around hugging for the remaining minutes of the show. Technically Ben re-proposes to Lauren but we literally JUST watched you propose to her the first time like, five minutes ago! Get your shit together, ATFR!!

Thanks for reading these recaps, kiddos. I hope you enjoyed them as much as I enjoyed WORKING MY ASS OFF to write them. I kid. It’s been fun.

Imma be recapping the shit out of Jojo’s season of The Bachelorette and season 3 of Bachelor in Paradise, so hold on to your granny panties. Patience is a virtue that I also struggle with.

In the meantime, read all my other show recaps one by one as if they are an advent calendar counting down to the premiere. (I do not provide tiny chocolates, although I fully support you eating some on your own.)

Read the Women Tell All recap here.

My recap of the fantasy suite dates can be found here.

If you’re more into hometown dates, that shit is here.

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Tag: sam jarvis recaps

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