Is it me, or is this season of The Bachelorette like a deadbeat father, constantly in and out of our lives without warning? This shit is supposed to be every week and here I am sitting at a fucking bus stop waiting for it to pick me up, not realizing that it’s probably too busy getting a blow job from some waitress named Sherri.
We start by talking about last week’s rose ceremony, which was NOT last week but WEEKS ago, so please stop fucking with my head. Alex is pretty freaked out about the fact that he and James T. both almost went home, but I think once he watches the season back he will find a lot of clarity about it.
Alex gets the first one-on-one and everybody is THRILLED because apparently all he has been doing is bitching about the fact that he HASN’T GOTTEN TIME WITH HER. While on their date they eat Pringles, and here’s Jojo the very moment she realizes she is breaking her fucking Bachelorette diet:
The rest of the boys take a bus and Robby is wearing his hotel slippers like the WASP-y tool I know him to be.
Oh also? They rap about Alex. They say he’s a tiny human and is probably riding in a side car right now and it’s like wow, guys! Tell us how you really feel! But don’t worry, they also have Alex freestyle to Jojo, because what would this show be without complete and utter embarrassment?
They get to their date destination, and Alex keeps going on and on about how he loves the droopy trees and it’s like ARE YOU FIVE? They’re called weeping willows. Droopy trees. SMH.
The producers make Alex put on this gaucho cowboy outfit and now they’re just fucking with him. He doesn’t do himself any favors by having Jojo twirl him. LEAD, Alex. Lead.
Then they watch a dude make love to his horse. I mean I’m not entirely sure what he’s doing with it, but it looks a LOT like when I’m feeling sexy and my boyfriend is trying to sleep.
Alex tries to be romantic but he ruins literally everything by saying, “I’m your goocho.” Sigh. You sure you’re not sexually attracted to him, Jojo? ‘Cause he will totally be your goocho. Under the droopy trees.
Back with the boys, Robby’s hair is freaking me the FUCK out. Like, I have never seen a hairstyle like this and I’m honestly just trying to understand it at this point, ya know?
It looks like one of those things girls used to buy to create a fake-bump in the top of their hair. You betches know what I mean. The boys stop to eat various meats on the side of the road and Aaron Roger’s brother says he’s a picky eater. Of COURSE he’s a picky eater. He would be.
Over dinner, Alex tells Jojo that he just wants to “crack open a cold one” with her brothers on the hometown date. Sometimes I feel like Alex is just randomly grabbing phrases out of some weird phrase book. I honestly would not be surprised if he reached into his back pocket, opened a small notebook and said, “Don’t cry over spilled milk, ’cause milk is a dime a dozen.”
He tells her that she is falling in love with her and here is her face when he says that:
Not a good sign. She promptly dumps his ass even though there wasn’t even a rose on this date. Girl is just like yeah, I’m gonna walk you out now. Alex is, in a word, stunned.
On Aaron Roger’s brother’s date, they fly to a vineyard to stomp grapes, and all I can think about is how much I want him to fall and crack a rib like the Grape Stomp Lady. Sure, that’s a mean thought, but I feel like it would be so fun to watch. I would smile and be like, “Yes. This is great.”
He doesn’t fall, and instead they drink foot wine together. Literally, they drink the grape juice that they have just stepped all over with their grimy ass feet. It is horrifying.
They get in a hot tub after and Aaron Roger’s brother must be feeling pret-ty good about himself, as evident by the shit-eating grin he refuses to wipe off his face.
At dinner he explains how the hometown date will be if he gets to the final four (IF. Ha.) and he finally comes clean about the super awks relationship he has with Aaron Rogers. They like, DON’T TALK, which suddenly makes him way less of a celebrity so she immediately breaks up with him and sends him on his way.
Okay fine. She doesn’t do that! He says he’s in love with her and they make out against a wall, because that is homeboy’s fucking move. Real talk? It was sexy the first time, when the rest of the dudes were on the other side of the wall. But now that I know it’s his “thing,” I’m not into it.
On the 3-on-1 date with James T., Robby and Chase, is it raining like a motherfucker outside, so they just decide to hang out in a hotel room and get their booze on. James T. thinks it is a great idea to have Jojo shove as many French fries as she can into his mouth.
Enough with the fun/nice card, James. It’s the sexy part you’re missing and this little potato nightmare is NOT HELPING YOU.
Robby is now half naked running down the halls of the hotel, but I honestly don’t give a shit because his hair is so distracting and I hate him.
They’re all having such a fun time, and while they cuddle James feels the need to be snuggling all of them at once, like an adorable puppy at the foot of the bed.
When they get time alone, Jojo learns that Robby and his girlfriend of over three years broke up FOUR MONTHS AGO. Obviously, she is concerned. As she should be. He keeps being like, “No! I’m totally ready for marriage. That relationship is sooo over,” and I feel like in her head she’s like, is it though???
Chase’s time goes pretty well, even though he’s probably the most boring person that has even made it this far on the show. But like, when you’re hot, you’re hot. You get to stay longer.
She and James have the sweetest conversation, but I know he’s a goner. You can have all the qualities someone wants in a husband and father but at the end of the day, she’s got to want to fuck you. It’s just the harsh reality of the world.
Robby gets the rose, and I’m wondering if she doesn’t see his hair bump??
Luke has the final one-on-one, and he is riding horses and shooting guns like a god damn man. Jojo is a Texas girl, okay? She is INTO IT. They barely even show the rest of Luke’s date because it’s like okay we get it, she wants to jump his bowlegged bones until the cows come home (farm jokes, amiright?).
We immediately move onto the rose ceremony, and everybody (re: Chase and James T.) are flipping their shit about it. Luke gets the first rose, Aaron Roger’s brother gets the second, and Chase gets the third. Oh, you’re keeping the hot guys? Got it.
James T. is pretty sad about leaving, and what a fuckin’ doll. I am legitimately tearing up as she says goodbye to him. They will be friends one day, guys. Don’t worry. Once he’s over the heart break they will do so many fun friendzone things together.
Next week is HOMETOWNS, and I cannot wait. I am so excited about this supposed Robby drama that I swear to God if it turns out the editors are toying with my emotions and there ISN’T Robby drama I will light my apartment on fire. Robby has got. To go.
Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.
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Also, I had absolutely nowhere to put this in the recap, but here is the Screengrab Of The Night, presented by Pedigree dog food:
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