Tag: funny
The Bachelorette Recap: “You’re a Cute Little Gaucho”
Is it me, or is this season of The Bachelorette like a deadbeat father, constantly in and out of our lives without warning? This shit is supposed to be every week and here I am sitting at a fucking bus stop waiting for it to pick me up, not realizing that it’s probably too busy getting a blow job from some waitress named Sherri.
We start by talking about last week’s rose ceremony, which was NOT last week but WEEKS ago, so please stop fucking with my head. Alex is pretty freaked out about the fact that he and James T. both almost went home, but I think once he watches the season back he will find a lot of clarity about it.
Alex gets the first one-on-one and everybody is THRILLED because apparently all he has been doing is bitching about the fact that he HASN’T GOTTEN TIME WITH HER. While on their date they eat Pringles, and here’s Jojo the very moment she realizes she is breaking her fucking Bachelorette diet:
The rest of the boys take a bus and Robby is wearing his hotel slippers like the WASP-y tool I know him to be.
Oh also? They rap about Alex. They say he’s a tiny human and is probably riding in a side car right now and it’s like wow, guys! Tell us how you really feel! But don’t worry, they also have Alex freestyle to Jojo, because what would this show be without complete and utter embarrassment?
They get to their date destination, and Alex keeps going on and on about how he loves the droopy trees and it’s like ARE YOU FIVE? They’re called weeping willows. Droopy trees. SMH.
The producers make Alex put on this gaucho cowboy outfit and now they’re just fucking with him. He doesn’t do himself any favors by having Jojo twirl him. LEAD, Alex. Lead.
Then they watch a dude make love to his horse. I mean I’m not entirely sure what he’s doing with it, but it looks a LOT like when I’m feeling sexy and my boyfriend is trying to sleep.
Alex tries to be romantic but he ruins literally everything by saying, “I’m your goocho.” Sigh. You sure you’re not sexually attracted to him, Jojo? ‘Cause he will totally be your goocho. Under the droopy trees.
Back with the boys, Robby’s hair is freaking me the FUCK out. Like, I have never seen a hairstyle like this and I’m honestly just trying to understand it at this point, ya know?
It looks like one of those things girls used to buy to create a fake-bump in the top of their hair. You betches know what I mean. The boys stop to eat various meats on the side of the road and Aaron Roger’s brother says he’s a picky eater. Of COURSE he’s a picky eater. He would be.
Over dinner, Alex tells Jojo that he just wants to “crack open a cold one” with her brothers on the hometown date. Sometimes I feel like Alex is just randomly grabbing phrases out of some weird phrase book. I honestly would not be surprised if he reached into his back pocket, opened a small notebook and said, “Don’t cry over spilled milk, ’cause milk is a dime a dozen.”
He tells her that she is falling in love with her and here is her face when he says that:
Not a good sign. She promptly dumps his ass even though there wasn’t even a rose on this date. Girl is just like yeah, I’m gonna walk you out now. Alex is, in a word, stunned.
On Aaron Roger’s brother’s date, they fly to a vineyard to stomp grapes, and all I can think about is how much I want him to fall and crack a rib like the Grape Stomp Lady. Sure, that’s a mean thought, but I feel like it would be so fun to watch. I would smile and be like, “Yes. This is great.”
He doesn’t fall, and instead they drink foot wine together. Literally, they drink the grape juice that they have just stepped all over with their grimy ass feet. It is horrifying.
They get in a hot tub after and Aaron Roger’s brother must be feeling pret-ty good about himself, as evident by the shit-eating grin he refuses to wipe off his face.
At dinner he explains how the hometown date will be if he gets to the final four (IF. Ha.) and he finally comes clean about the super awks relationship he has with Aaron Rogers. They like, DON’T TALK, which suddenly makes him way less of a celebrity so she immediately breaks up with him and sends him on his way.
Okay fine. She doesn’t do that! He says he’s in love with her and they make out against a wall, because that is homeboy’s fucking move. Real talk? It was sexy the first time, when the rest of the dudes were on the other side of the wall. But now that I know it’s his “thing,” I’m not into it.
On the 3-on-1 date with James T., Robby and Chase, is it raining like a motherfucker outside, so they just decide to hang out in a hotel room and get their booze on. James T. thinks it is a great idea to have Jojo shove as many French fries as she can into his mouth.
Enough with the fun/nice card, James. It’s the sexy part you’re missing and this little potato nightmare is NOT HELPING YOU.
Robby is now half naked running down the halls of the hotel, but I honestly don’t give a shit because his hair is so distracting and I hate him.
They’re all having such a fun time, and while they cuddle James feels the need to be snuggling all of them at once, like an adorable puppy at the foot of the bed.
When they get time alone, Jojo learns that Robby and his girlfriend of over three years broke up FOUR MONTHS AGO. Obviously, she is concerned. As she should be. He keeps being like, “No! I’m totally ready for marriage. That relationship is sooo over,” and I feel like in her head she’s like, is it though???
Chase’s time goes pretty well, even though he’s probably the most boring person that has even made it this far on the show. But like, when you’re hot, you’re hot. You get to stay longer.
She and James have the sweetest conversation, but I know he’s a goner. You can have all the qualities someone wants in a husband and father but at the end of the day, she’s got to want to fuck you. It’s just the harsh reality of the world.
Robby gets the rose, and I’m wondering if she doesn’t see his hair bump??
Luke has the final one-on-one, and he is riding horses and shooting guns like a god damn man. Jojo is a Texas girl, okay? She is INTO IT. They barely even show the rest of Luke’s date because it’s like okay we get it, she wants to jump his bowlegged bones until the cows come home (farm jokes, amiright?).
We immediately move onto the rose ceremony, and everybody (re: Chase and James T.) are flipping their shit about it. Luke gets the first rose, Aaron Roger’s brother gets the second, and Chase gets the third. Oh, you’re keeping the hot guys? Got it.
James T. is pretty sad about leaving, and what a fuckin’ doll. I am legitimately tearing up as she says goodbye to him. They will be friends one day, guys. Don’t worry. Once he’s over the heart break they will do so many fun friendzone things together.
Next week is HOMETOWNS, and I cannot wait. I am so excited about this supposed Robby drama that I swear to God if it turns out the editors are toying with my emotions and there ISN’T Robby drama I will light my apartment on fire. Robby has got. To go.
Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.
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Also, I had absolutely nowhere to put this in the recap, but here is the Screengrab Of The Night, presented by Pedigree dog food:
Your Majesty…
So regal.
Oh Really Now
When the dog sneezes, so does Jesus.
Word
Boss bitch.
The Bachelorette Recap: “Why Am I Crying?”
Do you ever lie in bed and think man, I miss Chad. And Evan. And Grant. And Vinny. And even Canadian Daniel. No? K. Me neither.
We’re in Buenos Aires, and traveling is one of the funnest things for Jojo. Yes she says funnest and yes, I die a little inside. I want to believe she’s smart and she is absolutely ruining it.
Wells gets the one-on-one date and everybody seems really happy for him, until he says he and Jojo haven’t kissed yet and they all cock their heads to the side like dogs who just heard your weird cousin blow into his Weenie Whistle. They’re like HUH??
He gets ready for his date and proudly shows off his matching leather jacket and duffel, which he obviously bought as a set.
Luke immediately asks Jojo and Wells if they’re going to kiss today. That Luke I tell ya, he low key stirs the pot. Just sneaks into the kitchen like a 6’ foot tall bowlegged Keebler elf and gives the wooden spoon a few turns.
The boys cannot stop talking about Wells and this kiss. One of them even says, “If it’s not the best kiss he’s ever given, he might be going home.” I am giving my television more side-eye than the strange toys Wells and Jojo play with on their date.
They go to some sort of performance art place, where betches dance in a suspended pool made out of clear tarp and I’m starting to have flashbacks of the first time I ate mushrooms. It’s a kaleidoscope of terror.
Meanwhile the rest of the dudes just chill in a sitting area like FUCKING LOSERS. Do a puzzle or something, guys! Don’t just mingle way too close to each other in fancy chairs.
Wells and Jojo finally kiss, because LOOK AT JOJO’S BODY. You can’t not kiss that body.
After they kiss he immediately says, “You and I are probably different people,” which I know is the beginning of the end for ol’ Wells. At dinner she asks about his ex and he doesn’t really want to talk about it. LADIES, a PSA: any time a guy is weird about talking about their ex, you should be worried. It is NOT a good sign.
Jojo can’t give Wells the rose. Technically she CAN, but she says she can’t. This show is complicated, you know?
She cries, because girl is starting to realize that she is gonna have to dump a SHIT TON of dudes and it turns out dumping people is like, not that fun.
Back at the hotel the guys seem SHOCKED that Wells doesn’t come back. Look at these nerds:
A bunch of guys get the group date card, leaving Chase and Derek for the epic SECOND 2-on-1 of the season. They’re both pissed about it but I’m sitting on my couch with a belly full of seafood ready to get this shit poppin’.
On the group date somebody makes Alex stand the furthest away from the camera, which is not doing him any favors.
They play a very-arranged pickup game of soccer with some locals, and James T. is just in awe of how perfect all these dudes are. Four perfect dudes and goofy ass James T.
The main thing to take from this is that the cinematographers at ABC may have worked on the Lord of the Rings movies, because they are doing some forced-perspective camera work that rivals hobbits eating at a table any day. Look how small these people look! It’s madness!
Reminds me of the time Natalie and I posed for this beautiful photo:
BUT I DIGRESS. Anyway is Jojo having the best day ever? I don’t know, you tell me.
At the cocktail party Luke and Jojo talk, and by talk I mean they make out like god damn crazy. It is fucking PASSIONATE. He’s pulling on her hair, she’s got her hand in his crotch.
I’m uncomfortable watching and I’m pretty sure my boyfriend has a boner.
During his time, James T. talks shit about Aaron Roger’s brother and it’s got Jojo all sorts of concerned, because James is her little Labrador puppy who would never in a million years lie to her and just wants to be her best friend forever. Also he’d like some wet food, if you’ve got it.
She and James T. kiss and now I’m wondering how much making out she has to do with people she doesn’t like. What if you were on this show and had to just like, make out with whoever leaned into your face. Ugh.
Anyway Aaron Roger’s brother is like, fucking PISSED at James. He comes back from talking to Jojo and just sits and swirls his white wine in complete silence like a mental patient with a big secret. He is SWIRLING IT WITH PURPOSE.
Everybody’s basically like are you having a seizure, bro? What is happening? He does NOT like that James said he was acting entitled. He doesn’t even know what entitled means, okay? He honestly doesn’t and he keeps asking what entitled looks like, what entitled means. Somebody get this motherfucker a pocket dictionary.
Luke gets the rose because although she had to make out with James and listen to Aaron Roger’s brother word vomit the most bullshit string of sentences ever, girl is all about dat cowboy. When you wanna fuck someone, you wanna fuck someone, ya know? It’s just science.
On the 2-on-1 date Chase, Derek and Jojo learn how to salsa dance. My question is, why are they constantly painting in Jojo’s bikini bottoms when side vag is totally fine to air?
I mean, WOW. Wow.
Anyway Derek thinks their love is starting and I hear myself say, “Nooo it’s not,” as I shovel greek yogurt into my mouth. They dance, it’s awkward, and I’m starting to realize that Derek looks like a cartoon character.
He talks to her after dinner and guys, he is SO freakin’ lucky to be sitting there with her. He likes her so freakin’ much. Who would’ve thought a freakin’ guy like Derek would get the chance to freakin’ date a girl like freakin’ JOJO. If Derek doesn’t stop saying the word freakin’ I’m going to make Chad find out where he lives and pay him a visit. He has the ability to do that, guys. When this show ends…
Now Jojo talks to Chase, which is very similar to talking to a wall. A beige, boring ass wall. She doesn’t think he likes her and he responds with, “Oh.” He keeps saying he’s starting to have feelings for her and it’s like bro, Robby is already IN LOVE with this bitch. You’re BEHIND.
Chase gets the rose because if he didn’t it would have to go to Derek, and Derek is muy triste about it. So sad in fact, that he’s now referring to himself in the third person by saying, “Derek is imperfect.” It sounds to me like Derek is actually a robot and once he’s done crying he’s going to mumble, “Power off Derek,” as the light dims in his eyes.
ALSO while he sits there and sobs an opera singer performs Don’t Cry For Me Argentina (that country has one song, apparently) and it is SO CRAZY. They keep cutting from Derek to this woman singing and I honestly don’t know how to describe it. My brow is furrowed and my mouth is wide open for what feels like several minutes.
At the final cocktail party before the rose ceremony (so many phrases in The Bachelor world), Jojo looks like a god damn J’Adore ad.
She and Aaron Roger’s brother get their shit back on track, and Alex feels unimportant but still forces her to make out with him. He is honestly swimming in his clothes. He looks like the kid in Big when he walks home and his clothes keep getting baggier and baggier because he is turning back into a child.
It’s time for her to give out roses and I hear her and I say, in unison, “Robby,” followed by “Jordan.” (Question: Do I have psychic powers? Answer: No, psychic powers are not real.)
My prediction is that James T. will get the final rose because although she does not want to have sex with him, she really doesn’t want to have sex with Alex. Except she CAN’T give out the final rose, she literally can’t even. So she gives it to Chris Harrison and they live happily ever after.
Okay maybe they don’t. Plot twist! Now she has two roses. Man, does this show know how to throw a curveball or WHAT. Alex and James T. both get roses because she thinks she might want to marry both of them. See what I did there? Sarcasm.
We leave on Alex’s salty ass rant about how he isn’t special and he wants to feel wanted. Honey, just take the free trip around the world, okay? ENJOY. IT.
Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.
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PS: What is going on with Alex’s hair this time?? TENDRILS?! Jesus Christ.
But WAIT! There’s MORE!! Bonus recap from one of my best friends:
There you have it, folks! See ya next week.
The Bachelorette Recap: “You Can’t Find This With Text Messages”
You know what they say, Chad me once shame on you, Chad me twice, shame on me.
We left off TWO WEEKS AGO with Chad scratching at the window like a god damn murderer. What they conveniently left out was that while this was happening the remaining guys were spreading his protein powder ashes all over the boring ass forests of Pennsylvania. Ya. I know.
Chad comes into the house and wants to talk, so they gather at the landing to hash it out even though I’m 99% positive this house has like, 20 sitting areas.
Aaron Roger’s brother wants an apology from Chad, which is neva-gonna-happen so instead Chad puts his precious QB throwing hand into a vice death grip while they try to shake it out. Thankfully his QB hand is not too important for his career nowadays. (“Burn!!” -you guys)
Evan decides to take a stand. He wants his ripped shirt money and it’s like dude GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. You don’t need Chad’s ripped shirt money! Just buy a new shirt! Or better yet, pretend you went through your closet and gave that dumb burgundy v-neck to Goodwill. Canadian Daniel just stands in the corner eating cereal, watching this shit go down like he’s a guest at mystery dinner theater: where the action is all around you!
Chad’s out. He gone. See you at Bach in Paradise, babe. Alex returns triumphant, and the boyz are SO FUCKING HAPPY. Alex is seeing things from a whole new perspective tonight, literally.
Like any group of grown men, they celebrate with cakes and sparklers and I assume invisible party hats (“Mine’s got stripes on it!” –James T.)
At the pre-rose cocktail party, errbody is starting to tweak.
We’re also at the point in the season where I’m audibly going, “Ugh” whenever she walks off with a guy I’m ready to see leave. There are quite a few that wouldn’t make my cut.
I don’t even know this guy’s name but I hear him say, “I wrote you a poem.” Yikes.
She talks with Luke, and it’s cute because girl is way into him. He has some good angles, but his hair is very tall. Jojo notices his tall hair.
Now everyone’s talking about what made Chad wonderful and it’s like Jesus Christ, pick a lane!! Are you fucking KIDDING ME? You spent a month punching Chad’s voodoo doll in the dick and now you’re saying he brought all of you closer? I literally. Can’t. Even.
Evan’s in a tizzy (what else is new!!) because Luke is going to talk to Jojo again and Evan hasn’t gotten a turn yet. Evan SAYS he wants to talk to her, yet he is just standing with all his dude friends NOT talking to her so you tell me, DOES he want to talk to her? Simple reasoning says no. (I fucking killed the logic section of my SATs, guys. Really annihilated it. Is there a logic section of the SATs? Things to think about.)
Meanwhile, Aaron Roger’s brother is gettin’ some:
At the rose ceremony I’m kind of thinking to myself who DON’T I want to go home? Robby gets a rose, and here’s the thing about Robby. He ALWAYS looks like he’s heading to Easter brunch. Dude only dresses in pastel pink and yellows. It’s alarming.
And Vinny is still getting roses, so we know there is a longggg way to go before some sucker gets down on one knee. Here’s Evan getting the final rose:
Ugh. See? Ugh. Canadian Daniel gets kicked off and tells the boys to, “Take care, ey?” BYE DANIEL. He then talks to producers for his exit interview and says that if this were all about body he would stay, because he has a better body than Evan and Wells. Um, did you think this was all about body? WHY would it be all about body. For the record, his body is weird.
Jojo tells the rest of le brosefs that they are going somewhere exotic and if I remember her big drum roll to the Pennsylvania reveal correctly, I assume she is about to say, “Fort Lauderdale!!” But she doesn’t, they’re going to Uruguay. Is Grant excited? I can’t tell.
When they get to their hotel room in Uruguay somebody says they have a 360 degree view of the ocean, which just goes to show that we are watching dummies.
Aaron Roger’s brother gets the first one-on-one and the rest of them immediately turn on him. They think he’s just trying to get another stamp in his passport which is CRAZY because he JUST got another stamp in his passport like, that morning at customs. Also have you ever seen someone style their hair this aggressively?
Such intensity in the eyes! I don’t like it.
He and Jojo go to Seal Island, which sounds a lot like Shark Food Island and my meh-level swimming skills would definitely not save me in that situation. No gracias, as they say.
Back at the hotel the guys suddenly have a copy of InTouch Weekly and Vinny’s cutting hair like this is the set of Barbershop 8: Loser White Guys. Like, is this real? ABC wants me to think Vinny just happened to have a NEW InTouch Weekly even though none of these guys have been allowed to turn on a TV or hold a cell phone for the past five weeks? The main article is Jojo’s ex-boyfriend dishing about how they were still talking and in love when she was on Ben’s season. Smells fishy, kids.
Meanwhile Aaron Roger’s brother and Jojo have dinner and Jojo decides to confront him about some things. She met someone who dated him and it didn’t end well. This boy is SQUIRMING.
He explains that ya know, he didn’t cheat, he was just talking to and enjoying other girls when he shouldn’t have. I think that’s cheating? He and Jojo have a weird, deep conversation about their feelings and love and Jojo goes, “Do you ever think it’ll scare you so much it’ll make you pull away?” I want you guys to just picture, for a second, me saying that to a guy. They would be like WHAT, SAM? Are you talking to me or making yourself a voice-memo for your audiobook?
They get back from their date and these dudes have a lot of questions about the magazine and Jojo’s ex, who BTW is also named Chad. Let me remind you that this is the same Chad who sent her a creepy love letter during Ben’s season and the producers let her think it was from Ben until she FREAKED OUT about it.
Upon being handed this article Jojo gets, in a word, hysterical. Like, hysterical in that way where you’re like oh fuck, she’s got some demons about this relationship. Something bad happened there. She explains things to the boys and they now officially hate all Chads of the world.
Little bonus Charlie’s Angels clip for you guys.
On the group date they go sand surfing and Brad is jealous of everyone, which is right on schedule for the guy who got the first one-on-one date ten billion years ago. Also I just realized his name is actually Derek, not Brad.
Derek gets the group date rose because he needs reassurance and it does NOT sit well with Alex. Alex is all pissed off and I want to tell Alex to get a fucking life. Also, let me take a moment to say I think I would be great on this show. I would never win, but I could totally be the “funny” girl in the house who gets kicked off six weeks in. I’d lose in love but I’d gain lifelong girlfriends. It’s honestly a sisterhood.
ANYWHO Robby gets the last one-on-one and things seem to be going pretty well.
Ha! I’m kidding, that’s not Robby! That’s a dog.
They go cliff diving and Robby looks like an 80s Ken doll from hell.
He loves her. Okay? He loves her. So he says it! Except now my boyfriend, who has been absolutely SILENT up until this point goes, “Little early, huh?” Yip.
Before the cocktail party Derek thinks some of the guys have a clique and he would like to tell them that they have a clique. It is very lame of him.
Also Grant next to this candelabra in his vest thing looks exactly like he is playing the part of Lumiére in the Broadway revival of Beauty and the Beast and someone wanted to interview him sitting next to his costume:
Chris Harrison lets these noodles know that there won’t be a cocktail party tonight, they’re headed straight to the rose ceremony and THREE people are leaving. I vote Grant, Evan, and Vinny. Jojo agrees with me.
Evan is sad. Vinny is sad. Everyone is sad.
Next week we’re in Buenos Aires, and Jojo is in some sort of AMAZING BLUE DRESS. Stay tuned.
Read last week’s recap here. Or other ones here.
You can also be a GEM and follow me on Twitter.
PS: what the fuck was going on with Alex’s hair here???????
When Someone Says You Have Good Eyebrows
Touched. Truly.
Tell Me More
Yep, love it.
Girls Near A Cheese Plate
Pass the rosé, Lauren.
who is sam jarvis 