Miss America 2016: “Should’ve Been Us”

September 14, 2015October 5, 20151 Comment

Look I wasn’t planning on watching this shit, but once my boyfriend fell asleep on the couch my eyes got dark and I rubbed my hands together and suddenly I was cackling, “Yes… SLEEP!!!” and nestling in for the ride of a lifetime.

As soon as these girls start filing out all I can think about is how amazing all of their arms are. I mean, Jesus. Someone’s been juice cleansing. These girls introduce themselves one by one and with names like Savannah Morgan Lane, they were born for this shit. I bet she was one of those pageant children with the VERY WHITE fake teeth.

They go through everybody but keep cutting back to Chris Harrison for 10 seconds at a time so you don’t sit there in complete shock by how many fucking states there are in this great nation. There are SO MANY STATES. It’s honestly incredible.

Now they all walk out together and it’s the Victoria’s Secret fashion show for basic bitches. Sorry ladies, that’s just how the low-carb cookie crumbles. Also everyone looks 30 to me.

Time to meet the judges. Country singer Bret Eldredge, the widow of Chris fucking Kyle, Winnie from Wonder Years, Mr. Wonderful, Amy Perdy, and Zendaya. Really? THESE are the random assortment of “celebrity” that decide the fate of these girls? They’ve worked their actual entire lives for this and you’re letting Chris Kyle’s WIFE decide?

But wait, there is another judge (say this in your Oprah voice): Vanessa WILLIAMS!! She immediately walks out and starts singing. I didn’t actually know about the 1984 Miss America scandal until this week and just always thought she was the first African-American Miss America, the end. Turns out some NSFW pics had leaked of someone licking her butthole and she had to give up her title. Juicy! (Literally? Bleh.)

So after her song this guy from the Miss America corporation comes out and APOLOGIZES TO HER but really I don’t think they need to apologize at all. Had she not gone on to be literally the only Miss America anybody knows, I think they would’ve been like Vanessa Williams who? Oh, the girl who had butthole licking pics? Yeah we stand by our decision.

Anyway they announce the top 15 and then immediately play Tori Kelly’s Should’ve Been Us as the losers walk off stage. I am now laughing out loud. We’re on to SWIMSUITS!! I almost wake my boyfriend up but then I’m like eh, better not.

Swimsuit is 10% of the final score, and they’re all in full coverage bottoms like it’s 1992. They’re also model-walking to the music and it looks like they’re trying to hold a piece of paper between their legs. The judges faces as they watch these hotties are PRICELESS:

We’re going next to evening wear, but not before checking out some classic spray tan armpits as the girl’s names are called. You may want to sleep with these women but my God make sure it isn’t in your bed or those sheets will be Cheeto-orange in no time.

They walk out in evening gowns and I’m going to be honest with you, they’re bad. But they aren’t judging the gowns, they’re judging their poise and grace. Miss South Carolina Daja Dial fucking nails it and has the best dress and the crowd goes wild.

TALENT TIME!! Yes. Yes. We start with some very “eh” talents. No getting around that. A dancer, a singer who is slightly flat the entire song. But THEN, THEN, this bitch comes out in Belle’s yellow gown and sits down at the piano and fucking slays it. And yes, they have someone in a ball gown, playing piano, while a blurb pops up about her wanting to be an organic chemistry professor. It is at this point that I realize none of these girls smoke weed, ever.

Another girl stands up there in scrubs and the second I hear the words “original monologue” I know we’re in trouble. She talks about a dude with Alzheimer’s, it’s sweet, but now I’m just getting mad. Um, I didn’t know your talent could be story telling? If I had, I would’ve started doing these things a LONG time ago so I could go on and on about the time I was playing with Barbies and my mom walked by and saw me throwing all of Ken’s shit out of the third story of my Barbie townhouse while I screamed, “Get the hell out, Ken!!” Now THAT, is what I call an original monologue.

Finally it’s QUESTION TIME, 20% of your score. All I’m thinking about is Miss Congeniality and the girl describing her perfect date as April 25th. “All you need is a light jacket!”

Someone says they want Ellen Degeneres on the ten dollar bill, which is a “cute” answer but she is god damn lucky because everyone else’s questions are really fucking intense. Planned Parenthood, Black Lives Matter, it’s all very TOPICAL.

Miss Georgia is asked about Tom Brady’s cheating scandal and ironically enough she, in my opinion, CHEATS while she answers. She goes, “I’m sorry I didn’t hear the question, can you repeat it?” Um, you didn’t hear the question? More like you want him to repeat it so you have double the amount of time to think about your answer. I’m sorry, I’m standing firm on this. As soon as you hear the word “deflategate” you know what the fucking question is.

Now I’m starting to think Brooke Burke should win this thing. Girl looks AMAZING and literally better than all of these other women.

Last year’s winner has to do one final walk before she gives up her crown and she looks pretty bummed about it. Once you’re no longer Miss America do you just sit in your house wearing your sash and eating popcorn? Who can answer this for me?

It’s crown time and there are FOUR runners up which seems a little absurd. But the winner is… MISS GEORGIA, BETTY CANTRELL! I can’t believe someone who was born IN THE NINETIES is named Betty, but okay.

Here is how this winning shiz goes down (pretend it’s a glorious flip book):

What a fun night! Also I just googled Betty and her actual name is Baciliky. Wrap your dome around that.

Check out more of my show recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “He’s the worst sorta guy.”

September 7, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

WELL. This season has had more twists and turns than Riddler’s Revenge! (It’s a roller coaster. I couldn’t think of anything better.)

Thank God Tanner’s here to recap us on all the Ashley I-Jared-Jaclyn drama as suspense thriller music plays in the background. They don’t have access to knives in paradise, right?

Ashley I. and Jared have their fantasy suite date and ABC is pretty ON THE NOSE about this virginity shit, as evident by the actual cherries they put in her champagne glass. All she wants is for “everything to be easy” which if we’re talking losing your v-card is a HILARIOUS thing to say. Girl, it’s not going to be.

Back in paradise they’re having a mimosa party (aka what I call Saturdays spent alone in my apartment), and Jorge the Bartender tells Juelia that Mikey is a “man of his word.” Cute, Jorge. Real cute.

It turns out Mikey only wants to be friends with Juelia, so she decides to leave and promptly RUNS around the whole beach shouting goodbye as if her flight is already boarding. The girls are sad because Juelia came here to “find a father for her child.” I’m no Fulbright Scholar, but I’m pretty sure Bachelor in Paradise is not the best place to find a dad for your kid. As usual, I am right.

Jaclyn’s ass gets blurred for basically the whole day, even while she says that Dan has a TINY PERSONALITY. HA! Tiny is a word no man wants to ever be described as, under any circumstances. She thinks that Justin is the “hot ticket in town” and I want to ask her if she has time traveled from some far away land where people say phrases like “hot ticket in town.”

Cassandra arrives and Tiny Personality Dan is butt hurt about how many dates Justin is getting. I bet Justin has a big, thick personality. Jaclyn is salty as shit when Justin revokes his acceptance of her date card and instead wants to go on a date with Cassandra. Really he just wants to get a better look at her boobies.

Now Nick wants Jaclyn’s date card so he can ask Samantha on a date. Except he once conned her out of $250,000 on Bachelor Pad?? I do NOT understand why Jaclyn gives him the date because had that been me I would have laughed VERY HARD in his face and told him to go fuck himself.

Justin and Cassandra fall in love immediately on their date, which is not what happens on Nick and Samantha’s date. But first let’s remember that all the girls hate Samantha and that even though she’s “stunning,” her personality is “terrible.” Get your shit together, ladies. She’s hot and everybody wants her. The end.

Back from their fantasy suite, Ashley I. had an amazing time watching Jared sleep and is now in love with him. Jump cut to Jared saying he’s going to break up with her again and doesn’t think she’s going to take it well. NO, Ashley I?? She’s going to take it SO WELL.

He dumps her while she’s wearing an I’M A KIM tank top which I know is a reference to the Kardashians but I wish she was saying she is part of the Kim family from Gilmore Girls and her mom runs an antique shop. Anyway Jared leaves.

Okay so back to this awkward ass date with Nick and Samantha. They have literally only walked thirty feet on their date and he’s already like, “This is the best date I’ve ever been on” to which she replies, “I’m glad you feel that way already.” ALREADY. Because in her head she’s going um, dude, chill the fuck out.

Chef Josephina flew ALL THE WAY from Mexico City for their date. That’s like me saying I flew ALL THE WAY to Vegas from LA. It’s like, an hour flight. Also Nick thinks that time with Samantha is worth $250,000 and it’s at this point I realize none of these people have jobs and therefore have no idea what money is.

Their conversation is going incredibly well (sense my sarcasm) as Samantha talks about how she doesn’t know who will get roses. She is obviously bored to fucking death and literally WINCES when he kisses her. Television gold.

There will be no cocktail party tonight, and I know Chris Harrison just LOVES dropping those Bachelor bombs. Ashley I. talks about something called a whimsical attachment and now all I’m thinking about is how much I would crush the hell out of some cotton candy right now.

Ashley I. leaves, but not after saying that she “grew up here.” I can’t tell if she’s joking or not, but she immediately sobs her eyes out and calls her sister. Her sister asks if she was in love with Jared and she goes, “No but like, close enough” which is all the proof I need that she has not, in fact, grown up here.

Tiny Personality Dan gives every girl he’s ever talked to some sort of closure speech before leaving without giving out his rose. So now it’s down to Mikey!! Who would have thought. He gives it to Mackenzie, she says no, so now this episode has turned into the Red Wedding in Game of Thrones, because almost everybody is donzo.

Now it’s only couples in paradise, SERIOUS COUPLES, and Chris Harrison tells everybody to meet him in the palapa?? What the fuck is that. Well, let me tell you what it is because I happen to have an AMAZING INTERNET CONNECTION and turns out those little beach huts in the Corona commercials are called palapas. The next time you’re killing it on Jeopardy be sure to write me a thank you note.

Chris explains that they each get a fantasy suite date, and there is no way in hell Sam is stoked on this. With Nick? Ugh. But suddenly we cut to a confessional of Kirk saying he’s been really in his head lately and we all know that means he’s done, he’s out, and this is going to be bad news bears for cruise ship singer Carly.

He asks to talk to Carly and Tenley gets nervous. Tenley, you’ve got good instincts, I’ll give you that. On the way to their talk Carly goes, “Are you breaking up with me?” and he shushes her and she laughs. Because SHE IS JOKING and doesn’t see this coming. Here is her face as she starts to put it together:

And now, I will give Carly the same props I have given many a time to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. As soon as he starts breaking up with her she just goes, “Okay.” Yes, girl, werk. Fucking shut him down. Kirk keeps saying dumb ass shit (“Like I, like I respect you” -one of the gems)

He is now confused as SHIT that she won’t talk to him and just wants to GTFO of paradise. He keeps asking what happened and it’s like you broke up with her, remember? It JUST happened, you couldn’t have forgotten already.

Jade is sobbing, which now makes me wonder if I’m not a good enough friend to my girlfriends. Am I supposed to cry when they get dumped? I usually just start pourin’ the drank.

Carly continues to fucking dominate this breakup by not letting him talk to her, telling him not to touch her, and saying that she doesn’t even know his face anymore. He is like STILL CONFUSED about what’s happening and it’s like bro, not all females beg and plead to get back with dudes. Some of us are just like wow, I gotta go, I have a plane to catch.

Tonight is the SEASON FINALE and I don’t know what’s going to happen but I’m putting money on Tanner proposing to Jade. He knows a good thing when he sees it.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Life of a Haasler

September 4, 2015October 24, 20161 Comment

By Sam Jarvis

It’s weird being one of the hottest foods of 2015. It’s been a real transition for us over the past few years. Everybody talks about the “guacamole days” and how depressing they were, but slowly we’ve made an epic return (thanks Obama!). My friend Dave was put on a turkey burger. Eleanor was laid over an omelette. Those would both be good ways to go, I suppose. We’ve lost good men sitting on kitchen counters for a day too long, the brilliant green of their insides turning brown and gray. To be mushy and thrown away is every avocado’s nightmare. Even thinking about it gives me a pit in my stomach, although it’s probably just the actual pit in my stomach.

Going out with glory is important to me. To all of us. That’s why the second you get put in a grocery store you need to pray for a good home. A 20-year-old, new to living on their own, could come and scoop you up and the next thing you know you’re in the garbage can. Young people don’t have the patience or knowledge to appropriately deal with ripening. They get distracted and by the time they remember they even have an avocado, it’s too late.

I want more for my short life, you know? It’s easy to be complacent and end up in a cobb salad. Which is fine, it’s just not for me. I want to be special. Go out with a bang! So every night as I drift to sleep, snuggling with the rest of the gang in produce, the hum of the freezer section droning on, I picture it. The best way to go.

I can see her now. A woman, 30 or 35, in a t-shirt and jeans (yoga pants would be fine also), picks me up. As she squeezes me gently I hold my breath. She is the perfect person to appreciate what I am and more importantly who I am. I make it into her basket, meeting new friends Greek yogurt and flax seed bread. I’m liking this crowd already. We don’t get into a car, we walk home. It’s been so long since I’ve felt the breeze on the face I don’t have.

Her kitchen is lovely. Simple, but homey. She is in the prime of her life and career, having yet to settle into children and everything that comes with them. She’s independent. Alive. I spend a day in a large bowl on the counter and I have to say, it’s really nice. Calm.

The next morning I watch her make coffee, effortless in her work blouse. She puts a piece of the flax seed bread into the toaster and I am moments away from everything I’ve always wanted. Please be for me, I think to myself. The toaster dings and she takes me into her arms. I am so happy I could die. I am dying, really. As she slices me, adds pepper and a hint of sriracha salt, I have somehow made it to the nirvana of my kind, the highest honor bestowed on an individual Haas. I have become avocado toast.

When I open my eyes I’m still in Trader Joe’s, sad to be ripped away from my dreams once more. But then, there she is. The woman I’ve always pictured, sipping on a green juice. She walks over, feels some of us. This is it. Hold your breath.

Things That Are Not Like Riding A Bike (And Why)

September 2, 2015September 2, 2015Leave a comment

By Sam Jarvis

Paying taxes. Basically one is the physical act of powering a pedal-driven vehicle that utilizes two tires and a chain, while the other is the collecting and filing of paperwork to make sure you’ve given the government the correct amount of money. So they’re really nothing alike at all.

Getting your tarot cards read. Again when riding a bike, you are trying to get from point A to point B, whereas with getting your tarot cards read you’re sitting at a table in some kind of mystic and odd smelling room while someone tells you what is in your future by randomly pulling cards.

Going to the dermatologist. Both have some kind of travel involved, but going to the dermatologist is not like riding a bike because at the dermatologist there are doctors and bad lighting and people checking you for moles. Also they try to get you to do weird chemical peels and stuff and it’s like guys stop, I’m 27, I don’t need one of those yet.

Microwaving a veggie burger. This one’s harder to see the difference because both are so fun. But with a bike you are feeling the wind on your face. You’re free. With microwaving a veggie burger, you’re clearly trapped in your house. Otherwise you would certainly eat something other than a frozen non-meat thing. If you were free with the wind on your face, you would definitely eat mozzarella sticks or a hot dog. So yeah, they’re not the same.

Making a YouTube video showing all the stuff you just bought at the mall. They’re called haul videos I think. But yeah again this is another classic example of the fact that riding a bike is a fun fitness activity but also a means of transportation, and at a certain level a competitive sport, while making a YouTube video showing all the stuff you just bought at the mall is just a haul video.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “I’m on a boat!”

September 1, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

Like a fine wine that was opened weeks ago and has been sitting in my fridge ever since, Bachelor in Paradise leaves a weird taste in my mouth. Also it makes me feel warm inside. And kinda sexy!

Juelia immediately gets stung by a jellyfish, so before the opening credits even roll we see Tenley pee on her foot. Okay we don’t SEE it, but Tenley does ask if it feels good so use your imagination.

Chelsie invites Nick on her date, so Nick needs to talk to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. (Apparently she has been yelling at everyone lately but I’m sure they deserved it!!) He finds her but she is like, washing her face, bro. This is one of the sacred moments in a woman’s day and he is shitting all over it with his “Hey, you got a minute to talk?” crap.

Nick then tells her that she SMELLS LIKE A BREWERY. Wow, super sweet of you. He expands and says he doesn’t feel a romantic connection, so my girl does what she does best. She lets him know what’s up. Without skipping a beat she looks straight at him and says, “I feel the same way.” BOOM. Bye Nick, you’re boring. She might be upset on the inside but I am LOVING how she just crushes it to his face. Ladies, if a guy ever dumps you take a page from my #1 BAD BITCH and immediately shut it down. (Somewhere far, far away Ginger Spice is yelling “Girl Power!!” with both fists in the air.)

Mackenzie shows up and I am immediately reminded that she believes in aliens and Chris Soules was like whaaa?? when she started talking about it on his season. She’s even wearing an alien sticker to remind us of her beliefs.

Chelsie and Nick go on their date “ON A BOAT!” and it’s basically a snoozefest until Nick starts talking about Sam. First he tried to talk to a girl while she was washing her fucking face, now he’s talking about another girl while on a date. Jesus Christ, Nick, get your shit together.

Mackenzie’s date card says something about seeing a future, so she IMMEDIATELY goes to aliens. Pretty sure if the date card said, “You’re going to a pottery class and then to dinner” she’d say ALIENS!! It’s just her first response to everything. Also Ashley I. tells her that if she talked to Mikey she probably “wouldn’t naturally pick him” which is a fucking READ if I’ve ever heard one.

DUN DUN DUNNNN…. Jaclyn walks into paradise and “I knew you were trouble when you walked in…” starts blasting in my head. She doesn’t care who’s single and just KNOWS all these boys are bored of their pieces and are ready for some new ass. What I’m not sure they’re ready for is someone wearing a Beetlejuice romper. (Yes, I’m throwing shade.)

Mackenzie and Justin go on their date and she’s still trying to figure out what this “future” shit is. She’s thinking stars, which if I’m being honest is the opposite of the future. Aren’t stars a look into the past? Science is weird.

A shaman dude speaks Spanish to them and thankfully I follow. They’re both confused as fuck while he says things like, “A big surprise!” They still aren’t getting it when he says “Se quitan la ropa,” which I immediately know means take off your clothes. Yeah, I’m cultured AND classy.

Mackenzie, Justin, and Justin’s bulge put mud on each other and Mackenzie doesn’t know what a circle is. Also they have ropes tied around their necks and given the level of awkward this date is, I’m guessing finding a tall tree branch doesn’t sound half bad right now. (Was that too dark?)

Apparently they’re married and Mackenzie is STOKED!!! Justin starts to freak out about how STOKED!!! Mackenzie is but can you really be taken seriously in a flower crown? No.

Once Mackenzie solves the mystery of if their kids would be Mexican (they would not), the drama is back on Jaclyn. To her credit, she spits some truth when she says, “Might as well call this Kaitlyn’s Rejects.” (Some producer is going “That was MY idea!!”)

Jaclyn has heard SUCH good things about Jared, and Ashley I. immediately starts to panic. I see the fabric that is her soul unraveling and she does the exact right thing when this happens which is she FINDS. CHRIS. HARRISON. She finds Chris Harrison in a flannel, more specifically.

Jaclyn rolls her eyes as Jared tells her about the Divergent-trilogy-length letter Ashley I. wrote him last night. Yes, the letter is super silly. But Jaclyn, honey, in the words of Countess Luann De Lesseps, you are breaking girl code. (You guys following? I jumped franchises here so stick close and you won’t get lost.)

Ashley I. has the timing of time.gov (look it up), because that shit is PERFECT. Right as Jaclyn asks Jared if he would go on a date with her Ashley swoops the fuck in with a fantasy suite card that she found/begged Chris Harrison for. I don’t hate it, Ash. Girl’s got focus. Here is Jaclyn’s face as this shit goes down:

Jaclyn promptly eats a handful of sour grapes and reminds viewers that “no guy at this age wants to take anyone’s virginity.” Um, have you been on the internet? I beg to differ. Ashley says she would like to “do stuff with Jared” and I’m hoping she means sex.

Next week will be the real kicker, and also the finale. Yikes! Time flies when you’re having a lot of mixed emotions. We’ll find out if Jared laid down that D on Ashley and I personally cannot wait. Timer is officially set on my phone, except that it isn’t because you can only set your timer for 24 hours. Shit.

BONUS FOOTAGE: Ashley I. taking out her extensions and combing them with a fork.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Was it the arousing cheese?”

August 31, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

I’m going to be straight up with you guys, I have no idea how Bachelor in Paradise ends. Does one couple win? Are there prizes? Or do people keep leaving and arriving forever into eternity and Carly and Kirk just live in Mexico now?

Anyway Joe is still a salty wuss about Samantha. He doesn’t really know what’s going on, which is how I feel in most open bar situations.

We’re six minutes in and Sam’s been called a “master manipulator” twice. She cancels her date with Justin because she still likes Joe, she just DOESN’T DO DRAMA. Really guys, I can’t stress it enough. Sam keeps saying, “I have never had drama in my entire life” which I’m calling bullshit on because anyone who has acrylic nails has dealt with drama. Acrylic nails and drama go (paraffin) hand in (paraffin) hand.

Annnnnd now Chris Krakowski is here. (I just Googled him and apparently I am wrong, Chris BUKOWSKI is here.) The only thing I know about Chris is that he randomly showed up on Andi’s season and she was like eh, no thanks. He is the Clare of Bachelor men and has been on every show in existence.

Chris is good at “making things go fast” with women, so that’s neat. He immediately orders a vodka soda, which means he is a CLUB GUY and is ready to TURN UP. Can’t wait.

Amber is going on Justin’s date instead of Sam but only to make Dan jealous. Still with me? They salsa dance and it’s kind of cute until Amber takes his shirt off and JUSTIN IS SO FUCKING SUNBURNT. This is 2015, Justin. Act like ya been there before.

I am 100% sure he is thinking, “Ow, ow, please don’t touch my shoulders- AH! Oh my God. Pretend this is fun. Am I smiling? Don’t put your arms around my neck- OW.” They make out and now Amber is crying about Dan. (Pull it together, babe.)

Back on the beach Chris is saying insane things like, “Bachelor Pad was the best show that’s ever happened.” HA. Apparently you’ve never heard of Lizzie McGuire. Chris is drunk and falls into a fire.

Amber talks to Dan about their relationship and he uses the F word- friends. I’m standing by #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. when she said Dan is a grandpa. The hottest grandpa I’ve ever seen in my life, but a grandpa nonetheless.

BUKOWSKI (Chris’ alter ego) asks Tenley on a date and she has to explain her No to him seven times. His comprehension skills are not shining. Chris decides he did what he came here to do (fall into a fire) and it’s time for him to leave. He listens to the voices in his head and walks off barefoot.

Joshua and Tenley go on Chris’ date and Tenley thinks a papaya tastes like ice cream (ZERO CHANCE IT DOES) and they eat aphrodisiac cheese. “Aphrodisiac cheese” turns into “arousing cheese,” which turns into “horny cheese” in Joshua’s mind. What are you, five? Try to be sexy for like, one second. Later Joshua is amazed at his plate of food because “colors everywhere.”

Meanwhile everyone is still OBSESSING over Samantha and how the ocean must be Samantha Water. (Samantha Water is something I should be trademarking, bottling, and distributing.)

Sam and Joe flirt on a beach bed and Sam is a pillow chameleon. She literally made her romper out of the same fabric as the pillows and I can’t even see her. What I can see, is an apple box in the top right corner of the screen. Little behind-the-scenes Hollywood Easter egg for ya.

At the cocktail party Ashley I. gives Jared a 10,000 page novel that is sure to be a must-read. Also Ashley I. is dressed EXACTLY LIKE JASMINE. I mean, exactly. And don’t you dare say this wasn’t on purpose because it was. It was.

Here is where things get muy interesante. Amber says Jared was always her #2 choice, so she’s gonna offer him her rose. The problem is Jared might not make it to the rose ceremony because I doubt he will be done reading Ashley’s letter by then.

Back in Samanthaland, Dan thinks Joe wants to “pee on Samantha like a fire hydrant.” Super visual, Dan. Everything about Samantha annoys me at this point except her adorable For Love and Lemons crop set. You win there, girl. I’ll give you that.

Ashley I. fucks Amber over and gives her rose to Jared. Jared kind of half smiles but through his teeth is going, “Greeeat” in that way where you know it is NOT great. Ashley I. doesn’t care and is thrilled.

Sam has the final rose and she keeps talking about how she hates drama. Does she think there are completely new viewers to this show every week? We KNOW you hate drama. It’s the only thing you’ve literally ever said. She PICKS DAN, and #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. immediately says exactly what we’re all thinking which is, “Shocker!” I am laughing out loud at her. Amazing.

Joe is kicked off but he will NOT leave without showing that one god damn text from Samantha. He cannot let go of the fact that she said, “do whatever it takes to get a rose.” What she probably meant was, “Yes! Please try to stay so we can meet. Do whatever it takes ;)” which does not mean “lie and manipulate a widowed single mother so we can get married.”

In the Sad Limo Joe finally pulls up the text, somehow thinking he is going to be vindicated. Also who has 14 unread text messages? You’re a crazy person.

As the car drives away Joe says that he, “Should have fucked her brains out,” which is hilarious because “should have” implies that he had the option. Pret-ty sure that was never offered to you, buddy. Let’s be clear.

Tanner has now called Sam a chess player, a juggler, a praying mantis, and a puppet master. Jesus Christ, Tanner. Cool it with the analogies. You can just call her a lying bitch and we’d all get the picture. On the opposite end of the spectrum Jared only knows one phrase. He has said, “fall on the sword” a hundred times this season. This isn’t Game of Thrones. Nobody is falling on swords so shut the fuck up about the swords.

The way #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. sees it, Sam wasn’t “born out of a flower, or a seashell” but is Aphrodite, and now Sam is “like a dead bird to her.” YES. Those words couldn’t be more confusing or magical and I just FUCKING LOVE HER.

Samantha cries, AGAIN SAYING SHE HATES DRAMA, and Dan comforts her. Except why does Dan have a tissue on him?? That is so weird. She goes, “Can you get me a tissue?” And he just already has one. Having a tissue in your pocket is proof positive that you truly are a grandpa. #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. and I rest our case. (We would make an amazing lawyer team on a TV show so let’s hear some offers!)

Chelsie shows up (ANOTHER girl with a weird fucking spelling!!) which is not that exciting but I’ll let her prove me wrong. Also Jared is still reading Ashley I.’s letter as the credits roll.

According to the “Sneak Pee-k” of tonight’s episode on the Bachelor website, Juelia gets stung by a jellyfish and needs someone to pee on her. Too bad Joe isn’t here anymore, I hear he pees on bitches like fire hydrants!

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

20 Things Every 20-Something Girl Should Know

August 26, 2015September 2, 20151 Comment

By Sam Jarvis

Rubbing an ice cube on your face in the morning will reduce puffiness.

Clear nail polish stops runs in your stockings.

Bryan Bowman has a girlfriend.

Setting up auto-pay on your bills will ensure you never pay a late fee again.

You can make an awesome face mask with plain yogurt.

Even if Bryan seems like he’s flirting with you, he isn’t. He’s just being nice.

Vodka sodas are a great low-cal alternative to vodka Sprites.

If you feel you deserve a raise, ask for it.

Like seriously, he and his girlfriend are in love.

You can remove deodorant stains with a dryer sheet.

Always pee after sex.

I swear to God Jenna if you’re reading this, stop texting Bryan.

You can use frozen grapes to chill white wine.

Drinking a glass of warm lemon water curbs appetite, eases digestion, and prevents the formation of wrinkles and acne.

I KNOW YOU ASKED HIM TO GRAB COFFEE AFTER WORK, JENNA. CUT THE CRAP.

Using credit cards with rewards points will get you the most out of your purchases.

Sleeping 7-9 hours a night improves memory function.

If I find out you guys did in fact get coffee, you’re going to want to sleep with one eye open.

Coconut oil makes an incredible deep-conditioner.

There are plenty of ways to get away with murder.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Karma’s a bitch”

August 25, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

I can only imagine the complete shit show my life would be if I was trapped in an open bar for two months. They should show vomiting footage. I know they have it.

So everyone’s really coupling up now, except Ashley I. who ever since getting the shaft from Jared CANNOT stop crying. Like, cannot. Also she is losing fake nails by the second and now her manicure looks like Britney’s circa 2008. (Everything about Britney is PERFECT this is just an EXAMPLE.)

Ashley is so heart broken that she is going to be ruined, “for like, ever.” I totally understand because one time I kissed a boy twice and never recovered from it. Oh wait, that didn’t happen. Pull it together.

Mikey and Juelia go on a date, which is cute but here we are again getting into a plane with a PROPELLER. I don’t care where you’re taking me, I can’t stress enough that I will never get into a vessel that shoots you INTO THE AIR, powered by what I assume is a pulley cord system. Not happening.

While they’re on said death trap, Juelia sits on Mikey’s lap and I’m going “YOU HAVE TO DISTRIBUTE THE WEIGHT.” This is not a commercial airliner. You have to keep the sides even. (Can you tell I’m SUPER CHILL on planes? The chillest.)

Back on the beach Sam and Joe finally talk and Joe says something about exceeding “exceptations,” which you may have noticed is not a word. My spellcheck is going nutso on it right now. Basically Sam has woven a “spider web of deceit” which to me is like, not THAT big of a deal. (You know what is a big deal? An actual spider web. Fuck those things.)

Carly and Kirk go fishing, which is not something I totally understand because I didn’t think you could go fishing in the ocean? I mean I get that there are fish in the ocean (DUH) but you don’t see people standing in the surf with fishing rods. So I’m not really following but they’re going to get married so it’s fine.

Back in central Mexico Juelia is hoping that maybe her date with Mikey will include “dancing under the stars,” but really they go see lucha libre wrestling. It’s kind of the same thing, except not.

After their night of beer and masks they get a fantasy suite card and Juelia asks if Mikey would be comfortable spending the night in her room. We are talking about the same Mikey whose favorite yoga pose is Downward Clare, right? Yaaa. I think he’s comfortable with it.

At this point Ashley I. and Joe start to commiserate over their mutual case of the sadsies, and Ashley gives out dating advice. Take it with a grain of salt, buddy. She tells him to walk up to Sam and say, “Hey I’m Joe, I think you’re really pretty.” UMM, how about you don’t do that. “Hey I’m Joe” is eh at best. But this is Sam we’re talking about. She KNOWS she’s really pretty. That’s why she’s such a crazy bitch.

While Ashley and Joe share s’mores (shout out to s’mores, keep doing you) new guy Justin gets to Paradise. Justin didn’t have a lot of airtime on Kaitlyn’s season so all I can do is rub my chin and say Hmmm. HMMMM. You are a mystery to me, man who looks like a living Ken doll. A mystery indeed.

Of course the second he gets there he sits with Sam and gets “lost in her eyes” which is such a fucking terrible thing to say. Just tell her she has beautiful eyes, don’t say that cheesy shit you saw in a movie. He also says that she is a great “conversator,” which again you smart kiddos will catch is not an actual word. (My spellcheck can’t even handle this recap right now. Spellcheck and I are forever bonded in a ??? over this episode.)

Right as the Sam drama is starting to die down (I’m kidding, it’s never going to end), Dan comes out of nowhere with a giant wooden spoon ready to stir the pot. He doesn’t want her to go on a date with Justin not because of ol’ Sad Joe, but because he “wants to get to know her better.” OOOoooo, I’m gonna tell Amber!! I’m so gonna tell her. Shit is goin’ down next week. I can FEEL IT.

We wrap it up with sweet, sweet Mikey. You know what he doesn’t like? Bugs. Sand. Salt water. Sometimes rain. He is officially the Lennie to my Of Mice and Men, and god dammit if I don’t love him for it.

Do you think someone is going to cry next week? Do you think someone is going to get horribly sunburned? Stay tuned.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Does anyone know what’s going on?”

August 24, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

It feels like FORVER since my last trip to Paradise. Was your week slow too? Time is confusing.

We start with a weird ass intro that feels like a horror movie about crabs. I don’t know what these editors are doing all day (getting high) but I’m pretty sure the phrase, “Keep it CAMPY!” is hanging somewhere in their dark dungeon.

If you forgot where we left off last week and were asking yourself, are JJ and Joe friends again? The episode begins with JJ yelling, “GET THE FUCK UP HERE YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT, LET’S GO.” So no. They’re not friends again. Tenley heard “loud shouting,” and it’s like okay Tenley, you want a fucking medal?

Besides worrying that the season is going to end with crabs waging an actual war on humans, I’m also confused about Jorge the Bartender. He’s sitting in a lounge chair at eleven o’clock at night talking to Joe and I’m like, is he actually IN the show now? Is he giving out a rose this week? (If he doesn’t save Juelia with it that would be so messed up!!)

Sam could not be more clear she is “so not about that drama,” which she says one million times during the episode. She came on BACHELOR IN PARADISE and hates drama. That makes sense.

There’s a rose ceremony tonight, which reaffirms my theory that they are trying to throw us off our game and it is WORKING. A rose ceremony ten minutes into the episode? Looney tunes. (She says, getting up to make herself a vodka ginger beer.)

At the cocktail party, Jade and Tanner want to talk to Joe and Samantha because Tanner has SEEN THE SCREEN GRABS. But he and Joe are in the exact same shirt so the whole time they’re talking I’m distracted by whether or not they’re twins and how weird it would be if they were.

Juelia goes to find Chris Harrison, who is just chilling with a crew guy while holding his dinner jacket over his forearm like some kind of perfect creature. He pretends to give a flying fuck about what she’s talking about, which is that she kind of had a connection with Mikey. Wait. IS MIKEY COMING BACK?? Is this good TV, or is this good TV? Jesus Christ.

Meanwhile Jared is forced to kiss Ashley I. even though it’s clear as goddamn day that he isn’t interested in her, like, at all. Also Ashley is wearing the heart of the ocean.

Did she swim down to the bottom of the sea? Is she a mermaid and that’s why she’s a virgin?? I’m going to need some answers. She says kissing Jared is way better than kissing Chris Soules’ PAPER THIN LIPS and as soon as she said it I died and fell off my couch.

JJ gives his rose to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S, which is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen in my life. But this is the end of JJ’s journey. He misses his home piece and keeps saying things about being multidimensional and having layers and I think JJ should go into web design. Something with circular references and dimensions and shit.

JJ’s departure is war themed, as evident by the insanity of a music selection that plays as he hugs everyone goodbye. Without warning I find myself standing up with my hand to my forehead, giving JJ a slow salute out. We lost a good man tonight.

At this point I’m not really understanding why EVERYONE wants to save Juelia. Does she have the good drugs or something? Dan talks to Carly before his rose, which prompts #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. to call him a GRANDPA. He is a fucking grandpa, and I love the spirit in her! (Should I reach out to her on Instagram and see if she wants to get matching tattoos? Things to think about.)

Megan’s gone, Clare’s gone, Juelia’s gone. Juelia’s crying and goes to get into the Sad Limo but then MIKEY IS BACK, like we knew he would be. Top ponytail has been resurrected.

The next day Jade and Tanner have their date and I’m going to tell you right now there is no way in HELL I’d get in a plane with a propeller. Fuuuuuck that. I’m a jet fuel girl, okay? But they go to a tequila distillery so that’s dope. Are there lime trees nearby? How is salt made? (Life’s mysteries that keep me up at night.)

Some rando named Nick arrives, and I don’t know him at all but I do know that he ALSO TALKED TO SAMANTHA BEFORE THE SHOW. Sam’s face when he walks in basically says it all, which is, “Fuck.”

He immediately asks her on a date and then a super weird thing happens where they go off and talk but she never actually says yes to the date, and then says no to the date the second they’re back with the group. I’m starting to feel lost.

Nick takes #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. on the date and she massages him while talking to a bird. I’m pretty sure this isn’t editing, I think she really is talking to it. Also she’s in a cute ass bikini top that I want.

Turns out these two are GREAT DRINKING BUDDIES. Girl. Is. Inebriated. She’s gone. She’s in the middle of the ocean. She is like a sister to him, but she’d never kiss her half sister, but he’s like a brother she’s attracted to. She can do no wrong in my mind and I love every fucking thing that comes out of her mouth. Who cares if she’s hammered! Nick is boring as shit. She’s just like, passin’ the time.

(In snoozy side notes, Jade and Tanner are falling in love and are going to have beautiful olive-skinned babies.)

Joe is starting to unravel, so I need to go pop some popcorn. He thinks Samantha is going to be the mother of his children (HA) but the whole time he keeps saying to himself, “She’s out of my league. Stuff like this never happens.” Guys, let me do you a solid. If you are ever like hey, stuff like this never happens, you’re probably fucking right. If you ever think hey, it smells like something’s burning, it is. Something is engulfed in flames.

We’re FINALLY back to Ashley I. and Jared and he keeps saying things like “you’re so sweet” and “I love getting along with you,” which is NOT a good sign. I love getting along with you?!??!! Get out your tissues, girl. Jared isn’t over Kaitlyn Bristowe (which is crazy because they broke up like, twelve days ago) so Ashley cries for a very long time.

THEN SHE CALLS KAITLYN. A producer definitely said, “You should tell her Jared’s not over her. You and Kaitlyn are friends. Here, want my phone? I dialed, it’s ringing…” Ashley goes on to tell her that Jared is OBSESSED with her. Kaitlyn’s probably like um cool story, bro. I’m getting bent over by the hottest guy ever right now so I can’t really talk.

Apparently Sam wished Joe a Sad 29^th Birthday, because she dumps his ass while sitting in front of a cake with chocolate covered cherries on it.

Joe’s like, “But there hasn’t been any drama all day.” Congrats Joe, you made it one fucking day. One day does not a chill man make.

Tonight’s episode promises Joe coming after Sam with a VENGENCE. Got ya, bitch.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

My Date With Gary Busey

August 20, 2015October 24, 20162 Comments

By Sam Jarvis

WHAT. TO WEAR. It’s hard because you know, you want to look mature. The man is seventy years old so your chunky heels and topknot bun are not going to impress him. If I do the math correctly, which 4 times out of 5 (85%) doesn’t happen, he was in his 20s in the 60s. Is that right? Oh my God, numbers are so confusing. Basically I need to look like Twiggy. She was hot back then.

I am now standing over my bathroom sink cutting my hair with kitchen scissors. Twiggy it is, ladies and gents! I am going to rock this date. How do I make my bottom lashes look like Bambi eyes? We’ll deal with that later.

The hair is not looking very Twiggy-ish. It’s looking, well, kind of bad. I can’t see the back of it. But I MUST PRESS ON. What scent do you think he would like? Sometimes I feel like he’d be a Chanel No. 5 man, but at the same time I can see him getting all googly over Bath and Body Works Pearberry. I think I have some of that somewhere. The cap might be dried shut.

I am back in front of my closet, naked and staring. What in this mess of fabric could possibly be good enough for an evening to remember with THE William Gary Busey? I can’t even believe I’m saying that. LA really is the place of dreams. You always picture meeting a celebrity, hitting it off, but it’s really HAPPENING.

I just caught another look at my hair in the mirror. I’ll have to gel it down or something. Still no idea what to wear. Where do you think we’ll go? I feel like he’s going to want Italian. I can just picture him looking me straight in the eyes and saying, “Would you like to split a caprese?” If he does that, I will die.

When he asked me out he told me that my hair was long “like the tail of a mermaid.” PANIC. I have cut off my beautiful mermaid tail hair. Why would Twiggy do this to me? Oh my God, she was jealous of me this whole time! Wow. I can’t believe she did that.

You know what though? Gary is going to love me for me. He’s that kind of person. What’s more important is that I have PICKED. AN OUTFIT. Do you think he’s into sweaters? I feel like I’m in too many layers.

I can’t wait for us to get married. Small ceremony, probably in Hawaii, definitely without shoes. He likes my feet. I really can’t believe he’s my husband. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

On Sundays we go to the farmer’s market where I buy vegetables and he sits and eats grapes. Also we have FOUR Amazon fire TVs and they were all FREE. Gary talks to them just like he does in the commercials and I am star struck every time.

When he’s out on auditions (still going strong!!) I sit on the floor and scrapbook. I’m working on our trip to Fort Myers, which was a complete success despite the fact that Gary kept getting sand all over him while I tried to rub in his sunblock. Cancer’s real, guys! Get informed! We use SPF 50 and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

We are not going to have kids because they would take away from our time together. Are you seriously asking if I’d rather drive a child to school, or make the LOVE of my LIFE his daily bowl of nonfat Greek yogurt with a berry medley? Ha. You’re funny.

He’s now 90 and I’m 35 (that’s a lie, I’m 46) and we are still so happy. Over mashed potatoes last night he told me how to make love to an inner tube and I was mesmerized by it. Our Chihuahua mixes sat nearby eating some kind of very fancy kibble and it was just SO. US.

Oh my God I never did the Bambi lashes!! Wow, thankfully it all worked out.

I am a comedy writer. Sadly, this is a complete work of fiction. You can read more of my short humor pieces here.

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Tag: funny

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