December Birchbox


I think I’m going to have to stop getting Birchbox. While a box of beauty surprises is oddly satisfying, after a year of getting them I now have eight thousand tiny samples of face masks and serums.

WHEN does one use a serum?? And I’m sure I’m supposed to be putting on face masks more often than I do (never).

In my mind I want to be that girl who skips around her apartment sipping rosé waiting for her mud mask to dry, her satin robe gliding off her newly dipped-in-lotion body. But the reality is I don’t wash my makeup off before bed. Yeah, I said it.

I guess the silver lining is that now my bathroom has a travel-size section, which is easily the best aisle of Walgreens anyway.

Girl Talk

I don’t care if you rub eye cream in with your ring finger, or sleep in a braid to get beachy waves. There are only two things you need to do to look like a polished human being.

1) Get your eyebrows done. When I say “done” I mean threaded, which does not involve a needle as I once thought. Turns out they use like, dental floss or some shit.

2) Get your nails done at a place that isn’t your living room while Real Housewives is on.*

*Alternative Real Housewives accompaniment activities include: eating Thin Mints (less than a sleeve if you can), drinking wine, and smoking weed.