I’m not sure how it happened, but what started as, “I’ll watch 30 seconds of one of these” quickly turned into my last twenty minutes.
Jessica Hagy is a writer and social media consultant who can now add vlogger to her resume, with a weekly series she’s putting up on YouTube. With silly moments and some truly beautiful shots, this video diary is a cool take on an ordinary life.
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It’s this type of bullshit that will keep Leo from winning big.
Me: “What is, girls are mean?”
Alex Trebek: “Ah I’m sorry, we were looking for, complete bitches.”
I’ve always said that putting your best foot forward involves trashing Olivia. I’ve ALWAYS said that. We kick off with girls sitting on chaise loungers wondering why, HOW, Ben likes her. If you ladies at home are wondering the same thing, go ahead and ask your boyfriend (who you’ve tied to the couch and forced to watch this). He’ll tell you. She’s fucking hot.
Lauren B. gets the first date card, prompting one of the girls to explain that the highlight of her day is, “those glimpses that I get to see him, before he takes other women on dates.” Yes, good. This is normal.
Lauren goes on the date and their first order of business is to get in some tiny-ass prop plane to do tricks and shit. Um, no thank you. If you’ve been reading my recaps since the dawn of time (summer-ish) you will know that Sam Jarvis DOES NOT FUCK WITH SINGLE PROPELLOR PLANES. My palms sweat in business class three white wines in, let alone in a tin can Harrison Ford’s probably already crashed.
They fly to a hot tub in the middle of nowhere, which seems cute but he was JUST in a hot tub with Caila, so something about this gives me the ewws. Also is there some sort of generator out of frame? What’s powering this thing? (I’m 100 years old.) Anyway Lauren B is officially adorable and they would make very cute, very white babies together.
Back at the mansion the girls are like, not having a great time. I can’t imagine why spending days trapped in a house with people you fucking hate would be terrible, but I guess it is! The group date card arrives and everybody’s names are on it except Becca, JoJo and Jubilee, so Jubilee knows shit ain’t in the cards for her.
The group date is all about soccer, and Lace doesn’t know goalies can pick the ball up with their hands so the other team scores. This immediately gives me flashbacks to my AYSO days when once a season they’d force me to be goalie and I was so nervous I thought I was going to shit my pants for the entire hour.
While waiting to talk to Ben during cocktail hour one of the girls is like, “I don’t want to sit on a couch and sip on my water” which is the REALEST fucking thing I have ever heard anyone say about their time on The Bachelor. That is 96% of what their lives are.
But while they sit and sip, they of course have to talk about Olivia again and as the words pour out of their bitch mouths I am shoving more and more seaweed snacks into my face. This is good TV, guys. They not only say that Olivia has bad toes, but also that she has fake boobs and BAD BREATH.
Jami finally speaks this episode and she should’ve started with, “I’m Jami and I’m a fucking snitch.” She IMMEDIATELY tells Olivia what they said and it’s like wow, you are not allowed in my drug ring, you are a rat. Olivia asks what body part they made fun of and right away guesses her calves, which made me go HA! Very loudly and scare my sleeping boyfriend. She goes on to say, “Am I aggressive? Yeah. Do I have bad toes? Yeah” and suddenly I’m like you alright, Olivia. You alright.
Except then she starts talking about how Ben “pushed off her leg,” which to her meant they are now talking in secret code and I want to grab her by the shoulders, look her in the eyes and say Olivia, sweetheart, you’re a fucking psycho.
In a TWIST!!!!!! Jubilee gets the final date card, but has literally zero chill and starts acting like a crazed cat climbing up a curtain. She is being SO AWKWARD, which is apparently what one of the girls calls “awko-taco” and whoever the hell just said that should pack up their shit and go.
Jubilee is afraid of heights and is already acting a fool, but has to get in a helicopter anyway. Out of nervousness she jokes, “Does anyone want to go on my date??” WELL. LET ME TELL YOU. This does NOT sit well with the ladies, nooooo siree. They’re super pissed because “Ben planned an amazing date” which is a laugh out loud statement and I can’t believe these grown ass women STILL think that Ben is planning these dates! You think he’s sitting in a production meeting like, “Guys, I want to take Jubilee on a helicopter ride to this one really cute spa I know of.” Um, no. Not how this works at all.
Jubilee’s still being kind of squirrely and spitting out food she thinks is horrible, but then she tells Ben that she’s obsessed with hot dogs and suddenly I’m like girl, maybe we are more alike than I thought!! Ben is just happy he can finally see what a normal day would be like with her, because this is a totally normal day:
Jubilee opens up and explains that her entire family died in Haiti except her. Well, shit. She’s officially lived ten thousand more lives than any of these betches in the house who think “Ben wants a soccer mom.” (Sure, Lauren H. Guy’s dicks get hard thinking of boring ass soccer moms with THICK MIDWESTERN ACCENTS. That’s a thing.)
At the rose ceremony, somber Ben announces that his family friends died in a plane crash, so Olivia immediately steals him away to clear up this calves/toes business. She says it’s really hard and starts crying. (Pret-ty fucking sure an editor got THREE gold stars for making it look like the crying is about the cankles and not the plane crash. Well done.)
Jubilee gives him a massage and Amber is like oh hell no. She wants to talk to her but Jubilee is NOT HAVING IT. She doesn’t want a fucking girl chat, okay Amber? You’re being a mean girl and it is NOT a good look. You know who agrees with me? Ben. He shoots Amber’s ass down so fast she’s like wait, what? If I were in that house and the girls wanted to “have a talk” I’d be like yeah, no. I’m gonna keep eating this slice of pie hovering over the kitchen sink (I eat my feelings).
In a great final show button, Lace is outtie. She just can’t deal anymore and starts quoting her tattoo. She knew her ass was getting the boot and wanted to get out ahead of it! Gotta respect that.
Olivia is freaking the FUCK out about how there is only one rose left and she doesn’t have one yet. He had to punish her for talking about her damn calves while he was mourning the deaths of his friends, ya know? She gets the final rose, and then revisits this “secret communication” business. She says that when they hugged he squeezed her waist and she took that to mean, and I quote, “He can’t give me everything all the time and he knows I can handle that.” Or, ya know, he hugged you. Either one.
We’re in Vegas next week, so you know what that means!! …Wait I don’t know what that means. If you do, can you inbox me? Perf.
Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.
Cannot stop giggling.
Follow Kirby Jenner on Instagram.
Monday, 7:34am
Mood: blue
RJD2 – Peace of What
But I bet the vest looks BEAUTIFUL ON YOU.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BAdoS8PSF21
Posting an Instagram video of a Snapchat video. SYNERGY!!!
Snapping a hell of a 90s medley tonight, guys.
I hope there are litter boxes in the mansion, ’cause things are starting to get reeeeal catty.
The population of a small country goes on the first group date with Ben, where they go to a fictional high school to do different challenges. Thankfully they don’t take them to a college campus because half these girls would be going, “Where are we? What is this??”
Chris Harrison comes out to explain what the shit is going on, except we can’t call him Chris anymore, we have to call him MR.HARRISON because he’s dressed like what every Hollywood stylist pictures when a producer tells them “he needs to look like a teacher.”
They have to make Ben’s volcano explode, which I at first think is a reference to some kind of science experiment but then they put on safety goggles and it’s like ohhh they’re talking about his penis.
They also have to put the state of Indiana onto a blank map of the United States and it’s at this point that I hold my legs tight to my chest and let out a slow, creepy grin. This is going to be GOOD. And you know what? It is.
Can you even keep someone who thinks this is the direction Indiana faces? Play the virgin card all you want, Becca. From now on the only thing I will remember about you is that you thought Indiana went sideways.
Ben’s chilling with the girls after their very embarrassing geography lesson and he kisses Jennifer! And then she blabs to all the other girls about it and they start to stew like little chunks of beef. (“A stew joke? Like, a joke about stew??” –All of you to me)
The next date card arrives at the house and I can’t tell if Olivia is excited about it.
But then Caila gets the date card.
Back on the group date Lace is freaking the FUCK OUT that Ben won’t notice her (which is how all the clothes in the back half of my closet feel), so she starts rambling to him about a photograph or something? I’m gonna just sit here and eat raspberries instead of try to decipher what the hell she is talking about.
Jubilee interrupts her to talk to Ben, which is customary in the Land of Bach. But Lace CANNOT BELIEVE that Jubilee would do that to her, OF ALL PEOPLE. Bitch, you met this person yesterday. Of course she would do that to you.
After kissing Jubilee, Ben is now kissing JoJo on top of a helicopter pad. How many times do you think Ben masturbated when he got back to his hotel that night? Can you really be making out with smokin’ hot girls all night and then just fall asleep to an episode of The First 48? I don’t think so.
On Caila’s date, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube come to Ride Along (in theaters January 15th!!) with them and Kevin Hart keeps talking to Ben while standing on very tall steps so we won’t notice that he is literally over a foot shorter than Ben.
They drive around and then get into a hot tub in a hot tub store.
On the final group date, the girls go to a “love science lab”. That shit better be completely made up because if it isn’t, everyone at that company should be arrested for fraud. Ben smells the girls for some kind of “test” and says Samantha’s scent is sour. YIKES with a capital Y. The only thing that would’ve been worse is if he’d said rotten tuna.
In a “temperature lab” (again not a real lab, there is no reason anyone needs to be wearing lab coats), Ben and Olivia get real close and she can’t understand why they don’t just bone right then and there. It’s starting to turn into some kind of strange Tron Porn.
Amanda tells Ben that she has kids, but that doesn’t stop Ben from giving the rose to Olivia because as Patti Stanger would say, the penis does the picking. Ain’t that always the way. Also Ben is wearing a sport jacket over a hoodie, which makes me tilt my head to the side like a dog listening to a very high pitched whistle.
Olivia is being cocky AS SHIT about the rose and is already calling herself Olivia Higgins and saying that the show can be over now. Ladies, we’ve got a new villain on our hands.
At the cocktail party Lace talks to Ben again and with every passing syllable is digging herself a deeper and deeper grave. My soulless ass is actually starting to feel bad for her because it’s like EEEEEEE stop talking!!
One of the twins says that this is “a lot more different” than she thought it would be, so my impression of her was pretty spot on. Meanwhile Ben is giving out trinkets like he’s pushing a goddamn cart. A photo, a blue ribbon, some barrettes for Amanda’s daughters.
Amanda cries at how sweet the gesture is but honestly, someone in a headset probably handed him those things and was like, “Here, go make barrettes for her kids” and he was like, “What’s a barrette, one of those training bras??” “No, that’s a BRAlette.”
LB leaves during the ceremony after getting a rose, which is fine because I have no idea who she is and the faster we can get to the total meltdowns of at least five to eight girls, the better. They’re starting to unravel already and Ben seems to be taking it well.
Next week we got some drama with Jubilee, but I would not fuck with her because she’s probably killed a man. Just saying.
Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.
Hello from the other side… of the world.
