Tag: wtf
The Creek
The WB taught us so much.
I Feel Like I’m Taking Crazy Pills
JUST GRAB THE PICKLES AND LET’S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
My Date With Gary Busey
By Sam Jarvis
WHAT. TO WEAR. It’s hard because you know, you want to look mature. The man is seventy years old so your chunky heels and topknot bun are not going to impress him. If I do the math correctly, which 4 times out of 5 (85%) doesn’t happen, he was in his 20s in the 60s. Is that right? Oh my God, numbers are so confusing. Basically I need to look like Twiggy. She was hot back then.
I am now standing over my bathroom sink cutting my hair with kitchen scissors. Twiggy it is, ladies and gents! I am going to rock this date. How do I make my bottom lashes look like Bambi eyes? We’ll deal with that later.
The hair is not looking very Twiggy-ish. It’s looking, well, kind of bad. I can’t see the back of it. But I MUST PRESS ON. What scent do you think he would like? Sometimes I feel like he’d be a Chanel No. 5 man, but at the same time I can see him getting all googly over Bath and Body Works Pearberry. I think I have some of that somewhere. The cap might be dried shut.
I am back in front of my closet, naked and staring. What in this mess of fabric could possibly be good enough for an evening to remember with THE William Gary Busey? I can’t even believe I’m saying that. LA really is the place of dreams. You always picture meeting a celebrity, hitting it off, but it’s really HAPPENING.
I just caught another look at my hair in the mirror. I’ll have to gel it down or something. Still no idea what to wear. Where do you think we’ll go? I feel like he’s going to want Italian. I can just picture him looking me straight in the eyes and saying, “Would you like to split a caprese?” If he does that, I will die.
When he asked me out he told me that my hair was long “like the tail of a mermaid.” PANIC. I have cut off my beautiful mermaid tail hair. Why would Twiggy do this to me? Oh my God, she was jealous of me this whole time! Wow. I can’t believe she did that.
You know what though? Gary is going to love me for me. He’s that kind of person. What’s more important is that I have PICKED. AN OUTFIT. Do you think he’s into sweaters? I feel like I’m in too many layers.
I can’t wait for us to get married. Small ceremony, probably in Hawaii, definitely without shoes. He likes my feet. I really can’t believe he’s my husband. I am the luckiest girl in the world.
On Sundays we go to the farmer’s market where I buy vegetables and he sits and eats grapes. Also we have FOUR Amazon fire TVs and they were all FREE. Gary talks to them just like he does in the commercials and I am star struck every time.
When he’s out on auditions (still going strong!!) I sit on the floor and scrapbook. I’m working on our trip to Fort Myers, which was a complete success despite the fact that Gary kept getting sand all over him while I tried to rub in his sunblock. Cancer’s real, guys! Get informed! We use SPF 50 and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
We are not going to have kids because they would take away from our time together. Are you seriously asking if I’d rather drive a child to school, or make the LOVE of my LIFE his daily bowl of nonfat Greek yogurt with a berry medley? Ha. You’re funny.
He’s now 90 and I’m 35 (that’s a lie, I’m 46) and we are still so happy. Over mashed potatoes last night he told me how to make love to an inner tube and I was mesmerized by it. Our Chihuahua mixes sat nearby eating some kind of very fancy kibble and it was just SO. US.
Oh my God I never did the Bambi lashes!! Wow, thankfully it all worked out.
I am a comedy writer. Sadly, this is a complete work of fiction. You can read more of my short humor pieces here.
Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Huh?”
Bachelor in Paradise? More like Bachelor in Dramaville, amiright?! Sorry. That was bad. I’ll go sit in the corner.
We start off with Mikey saying that Clare is his beard. I’m going to go out on a limb here: based on Mikey’s general comprehension skills, he has no fucking clue what a beard is. Pret-ty sure he didn’t mean to tell millions of people that he was hanging with Clare to cover up the fact that he’s gay.
Clare finally goes on her date with Jared and I am super stoked about it, mostly because I know it will make Ashley I. cry as she repeats over and over, “It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. You’re Jasmine.”
They’re supposed to bungee jump but Clare is scared and crying (Scared and Crying would be a PHENOMENAL spinoff of Naked and Afraid). But then Jared kisses her and they jump and it’s cute as shit. What isn’t so cute is when they have to paint in her purple bikini bottoms because her actual bikini bottoms are nowhere to be found. Movie magic at its finest. Someone went to film school for this.
Clare gets home and describes their date in VERY LOUD DETAIL so Ashley I. can hear and as predicted, she sobs in her room.
Some guy named Michael arrives and I’m going to be honest with you I have no idea who he is. But he can’t wait to meet Tenley because to him she is an Elevenly. I immediately hate him.
Before Michael goes on his date with Tenley, Joshua wishes diarrhea on him. This is an excellent use of a wish, and I personally wish diarrhea on anyone who’s ever broken Britney Spears’ heart. (That statement is ON the record.)
Meanwhile Jared is royally fucking up with Clare. And by royally fucking up I mean he’s pacing around the sand saying things like, “You’re 8 years older than me… but you look great.” Guess who’s having none of that? Clare Motherfucking Crawley. She is outta that sitch faster than Kim Richards with a cart full of Target toys.
So Tenley and Michael (no diarrhea yet) go on a date, where 10,000 mariachi musicians circle around them like iRobots and I immediately think, “TENLEY THEY’RE GOING TO KILL YOU.” They don’t, so she is still alive. Also: did Michael tip every single one of them? (I assume they stood around staring at him until he let out a big SIGH and reached into his pocket.)
All right fine, let’s get into this Joe shit. Joe is a SNAKE, as evident by the fact that literally every single time they show Joe talking they immediately cut to an actual snake.
Anyway Joe hates Juelia, Mikey and Jonathan hate Joe for using Juelia, and Joe hates Mikey and Jonathan for telling Juelia that Joe is using Juelia. Fun! Here is the point where Joe (drunk as shit on Jack and Cokes) threatens to beat the guys “to a pulp” with “brass knuckles” which is first of all an insane thing to say and also definitely not true. For as dumb as Mikey is, he would beat the absolute fuck out of scrawny ol’ Joe.
It should be noted that at some point during all of this turmoil Ashley S. goes, “Huh?” and it is perfect and she is perfect and I love her.
So now Jonathan is crying. Like, HARD. He can’t keep it together and it is the most awkward moment of my entire life. Please stop crying, Jonathan. Please. The hairs are sticking up on my arms. That is how uncomfortable I am.
Meanwhile Clare is bitter as hell that she will never find love and it’s like girl, calm down. You’re going to be on nine more seasons of this shit so eventually you will get someone to like you. Probably.
Right before the rose ceremony she gives a super weird impromptu speech and everyone is kind of like, “thefuck?” And then we hear the first words out of Jade’s mouth in like three episodes and she lays it the fuck down. She takes offense to that, Clare! She takes. Offense.
We get started on the roses and I am PUMPED ABOUT IT. And then basically the worst thing imaginable happens, which is that they put a big “To be continued…” on the screen before we get to any of the good roses. (Nobody cares that Carly gave her rose to Kirk!!) As soon as the words pop up on the screen I shout, “OH MY GOD.”
I guess the execs at ABC finally took that seminar on cliff-hangers and how they work like a god damn charm, because ever since Kaitlyn’s season these rose ceremonies are taking place at weird points in the episodes. You got me, shitheads! Waiting patiently and sticking my Joe voodoo doll with needles until Sunday…
Check out more Bachelor recaps here.
Friday
No comment.
Just Gonna Leave This Here
It’s Dennis Quaid!!
Happy Friday
We could all use a little rest and relaxation.
Thermos Theory
Being a kid is all about being mortified that you have a thermos.
Which doesn’t even make sense, because that’s just how you transport mac and cheese. There’s no better way to do it. But because you’re a kid and everything about school is a battle with your own embarrassment, you could not be more distressed about having a thermos. People can SEE it. They KNOW you have one. You want to die.
I brought this up with someone recently, and you know what he said?
“I used to be super embarrassed about my cooler.”
I don’t know what is it about temperature-preserving lunch accessories, but my God. They scarred us all.
who is sam jarvis 