Circus

By Sam Jarvis

Come one, come all, to the greatest attraction you’ve ever seen! All of the wonder and magic you could possibly imagine, with the greatest talent in the world! Introducing, for the first time on stage, spotlight please, drumroll… The woman who juggles!

In one hand she has her sick mother! She needs constant care and still has a house full of old yearbooks and crap to sort through! They’ve never been close, but now that she’s dying that doesn’t matter and she has to handle everything her mother is leaving behind!

In the other hand is her dream job that took her six years to get! The hours are long but eventually she might be happy! If only her evil boss Ted would cut her some fucking slack once in awhile everything would be good but of course he doesn’t so her dream job is quickly becoming her worst nightmare! Does she even want to work in this profession anymore? Who knows! Life is hard!

And up, way up in the air, is her serious boyfriend who is ready to settle down, boy he’s really flying up there! Even though there is a lot going on in her life he wants to get married and have babies as soon as possible!!

Can she fling her almost dead mother into the air just as her future husband comes crashing down to the hand that holds her dream job? We’ll see! Gather in the center tent, ladies and gentlemen, for the most thrilling show of the season!

Read more of my short humor pieces here.

Delay

By Sam Jarvis

The flight had already been delayed 6 hours, but he was finally getting close to his boarding time. They’d pushed it back twice, once for bad weather and a second time because the incoming flight got rerouted, but Josh had a good feeling about this. They’d be on their way soon.

“Ladies and gentlemen patiently awaiting the boarding of flight 3775 nonstop service to New York’s La Guardia, I’m sorry to inform you there has been another delay.” The speaker system was muffled but the message clear. “We will now begin boarding at 11:15 instead of 9:05. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

Josh slammed his ten-dollar Chilis To Go turkey Panini onto his lap. He then gathered all of his belongings, his roller carry-on, his suit bag, and headed to the gate desk.

“Excuse me, but what in the hell is going on here?” he asked a meek but adorable airline employee. She chuckled, lipstick on her teeth.

“Well this is pretty typical of hell, sir,” she answered, continuing to type on her outdated keyboard.

“What’s the hold up?”

“Hmm, help me decide. Should it be de-icing? That we have to de-ice the plane?” Her eyes were filled with excitement at the thought. Josh looked outside.

“It’s 85 degrees out,” he responded. She laughed hysterically.

“Oh my God you’re right. I can’t say that! How about like, a bird got caught in the engine? That’s a scary one.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

“You asked what in the hell is going on. This is always what’s going on in hell.” Seeing that he still didn’t follow, she glanced at his ticket. “Mr. Hartnett?” she said, now sweeter. “You do know you’re in hell, right?”

“Hell?”

“Yep! All the books had it wrong with that fire and brimstone business. Hell is just an airport where your flight gets delayed every few hours for eternity.” With this Josh Hartnett gasped, taking a few steps back.

“Wait, I’m dead? Why didn’t I get into heaven?!” She looked at him, very serious now.

“You know what you did.”

He was horrified, until a smile broke from her face. “I’m just kidding, I say that to everybody! I don’t know why you’re here. I mean sure, murderers are all over this airport, we all know that’s bad. But beyond that it could’ve been anything. Did you pay all of your parking tickets?” She laughed and touched his arm. “I loved you in Lucky Number Slevin, by the way.”

“Yeah, thanks. So my flight will he delayed forever?”

“Yep! But there’s complimentary shoe shining at gate B14, so that’s kind of cool. Although remember to tip.” Josh scratched his head. “Also I would buy a neck pillow if you ever want to get any rest.”

“There are only like, four places to eat here.”

“I know, right? Couldn’t Satan have made it an international terminal? Those are so nice.”

“So it’s just Chilis To Go forever,” he started, now losing hope.

“Afraid so. And don’t try to get a discount because of who you are. This place is teeming with celebrities.”

“And murderers.”

“Yes! And murderers. And people hogging the charging stations!” She looked at him warmly now. “Anyway, what should your next delay be? I’m thinking storms over Tulsa. An oldie but a goodie.”

Read more of my short humor pieces here.

Widget Is A Silly Word

When your job is the internet, there are certain words or phrases you hear all the time that are so ridiculous you can’t help but laugh in the middle of a conference call.

“Oh boy, what’s going on over there? Something hilarious and crazy?!” (This is always what they hope is happening, because my office is very fun.) “No, you said widgets.”

Other silly words: virality. clickable. module.

I’m hearing that the Twitter widget (hehe) on the side of this site isn’t working. What a fun thing for me to figure out today!! Can’t wait. Until then, follow me on Twitter here.