Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Was it the arousing cheese?”

August 31, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

I’m going to be straight up with you guys, I have no idea how Bachelor in Paradise ends. Does one couple win? Are there prizes? Or do people keep leaving and arriving forever into eternity and Carly and Kirk just live in Mexico now?

Anyway Joe is still a salty wuss about Samantha. He doesn’t really know what’s going on, which is how I feel in most open bar situations.

We’re six minutes in and Sam’s been called a “master manipulator” twice. She cancels her date with Justin because she still likes Joe, she just DOESN’T DO DRAMA. Really guys, I can’t stress it enough. Sam keeps saying, “I have never had drama in my entire life” which I’m calling bullshit on because anyone who has acrylic nails has dealt with drama. Acrylic nails and drama go (paraffin) hand in (paraffin) hand.

Annnnnd now Chris Krakowski is here. (I just Googled him and apparently I am wrong, Chris BUKOWSKI is here.) The only thing I know about Chris is that he randomly showed up on Andi’s season and she was like eh, no thanks. He is the Clare of Bachelor men and has been on every show in existence.

Chris is good at “making things go fast” with women, so that’s neat. He immediately orders a vodka soda, which means he is a CLUB GUY and is ready to TURN UP. Can’t wait.

Amber is going on Justin’s date instead of Sam but only to make Dan jealous. Still with me? They salsa dance and it’s kind of cute until Amber takes his shirt off and JUSTIN IS SO FUCKING SUNBURNT. This is 2015, Justin. Act like ya been there before.

I am 100% sure he is thinking, “Ow, ow, please don’t touch my shoulders- AH! Oh my God. Pretend this is fun. Am I smiling? Don’t put your arms around my neck- OW.” They make out and now Amber is crying about Dan. (Pull it together, babe.)

Back on the beach Chris is saying insane things like, “Bachelor Pad was the best show that’s ever happened.” HA. Apparently you’ve never heard of Lizzie McGuire. Chris is drunk and falls into a fire.

Amber talks to Dan about their relationship and he uses the F word- friends. I’m standing by #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. when she said Dan is a grandpa. The hottest grandpa I’ve ever seen in my life, but a grandpa nonetheless.

BUKOWSKI (Chris’ alter ego) asks Tenley on a date and she has to explain her No to him seven times. His comprehension skills are not shining. Chris decides he did what he came here to do (fall into a fire) and it’s time for him to leave. He listens to the voices in his head and walks off barefoot.

Joshua and Tenley go on Chris’ date and Tenley thinks a papaya tastes like ice cream (ZERO CHANCE IT DOES) and they eat aphrodisiac cheese. “Aphrodisiac cheese” turns into “arousing cheese,” which turns into “horny cheese” in Joshua’s mind. What are you, five? Try to be sexy for like, one second. Later Joshua is amazed at his plate of food because “colors everywhere.”

Meanwhile everyone is still OBSESSING over Samantha and how the ocean must be Samantha Water. (Samantha Water is something I should be trademarking, bottling, and distributing.)

Sam and Joe flirt on a beach bed and Sam is a pillow chameleon. She literally made her romper out of the same fabric as the pillows and I can’t even see her. What I can see, is an apple box in the top right corner of the screen. Little behind-the-scenes Hollywood Easter egg for ya.

At the cocktail party Ashley I. gives Jared a 10,000 page novel that is sure to be a must-read. Also Ashley I. is dressed EXACTLY LIKE JASMINE. I mean, exactly. And don’t you dare say this wasn’t on purpose because it was. It was.

Here is where things get muy interesante. Amber says Jared was always her #2 choice, so she’s gonna offer him her rose. The problem is Jared might not make it to the rose ceremony because I doubt he will be done reading Ashley’s letter by then.

Back in Samanthaland, Dan thinks Joe wants to “pee on Samantha like a fire hydrant.” Super visual, Dan. Everything about Samantha annoys me at this point except her adorable For Love and Lemons crop set. You win there, girl. I’ll give you that.

Ashley I. fucks Amber over and gives her rose to Jared. Jared kind of half smiles but through his teeth is going, “Greeeat” in that way where you know it is NOT great. Ashley I. doesn’t care and is thrilled.

Sam has the final rose and she keeps talking about how she hates drama. Does she think there are completely new viewers to this show every week? We KNOW you hate drama. It’s the only thing you’ve literally ever said. She PICKS DAN, and #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. immediately says exactly what we’re all thinking which is, “Shocker!” I am laughing out loud at her. Amazing.

Joe is kicked off but he will NOT leave without showing that one god damn text from Samantha. He cannot let go of the fact that she said, “do whatever it takes to get a rose.” What she probably meant was, “Yes! Please try to stay so we can meet. Do whatever it takes ;)” which does not mean “lie and manipulate a widowed single mother so we can get married.”

In the Sad Limo Joe finally pulls up the text, somehow thinking he is going to be vindicated. Also who has 14 unread text messages? You’re a crazy person.

As the car drives away Joe says that he, “Should have fucked her brains out,” which is hilarious because “should have” implies that he had the option. Pret-ty sure that was never offered to you, buddy. Let’s be clear.

Tanner has now called Sam a chess player, a juggler, a praying mantis, and a puppet master. Jesus Christ, Tanner. Cool it with the analogies. You can just call her a lying bitch and we’d all get the picture. On the opposite end of the spectrum Jared only knows one phrase. He has said, “fall on the sword” a hundred times this season. This isn’t Game of Thrones. Nobody is falling on swords so shut the fuck up about the swords.

The way #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. sees it, Sam wasn’t “born out of a flower, or a seashell” but is Aphrodite, and now Sam is “like a dead bird to her.” YES. Those words couldn’t be more confusing or magical and I just FUCKING LOVE HER.

Samantha cries, AGAIN SAYING SHE HATES DRAMA, and Dan comforts her. Except why does Dan have a tissue on him?? That is so weird. She goes, “Can you get me a tissue?” And he just already has one. Having a tissue in your pocket is proof positive that you truly are a grandpa. #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. and I rest our case. (We would make an amazing lawyer team on a TV show so let’s hear some offers!)

Chelsie shows up (ANOTHER girl with a weird fucking spelling!!) which is not that exciting but I’ll let her prove me wrong. Also Jared is still reading Ashley I.’s letter as the credits roll.

According to the “Sneak Pee-k” of tonight’s episode on the Bachelor website, Juelia gets stung by a jellyfish and needs someone to pee on her. Too bad Joe isn’t here anymore, I hear he pees on bitches like fire hydrants!

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Karma’s a bitch”

August 25, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

I can only imagine the complete shit show my life would be if I was trapped in an open bar for two months. They should show vomiting footage. I know they have it.

So everyone’s really coupling up now, except Ashley I. who ever since getting the shaft from Jared CANNOT stop crying. Like, cannot. Also she is losing fake nails by the second and now her manicure looks like Britney’s circa 2008. (Everything about Britney is PERFECT this is just an EXAMPLE.)

Ashley is so heart broken that she is going to be ruined, “for like, ever.” I totally understand because one time I kissed a boy twice and never recovered from it. Oh wait, that didn’t happen. Pull it together.

Mikey and Juelia go on a date, which is cute but here we are again getting into a plane with a PROPELLER. I don’t care where you’re taking me, I can’t stress enough that I will never get into a vessel that shoots you INTO THE AIR, powered by what I assume is a pulley cord system. Not happening.

While they’re on said death trap, Juelia sits on Mikey’s lap and I’m going “YOU HAVE TO DISTRIBUTE THE WEIGHT.” This is not a commercial airliner. You have to keep the sides even. (Can you tell I’m SUPER CHILL on planes? The chillest.)

Back on the beach Sam and Joe finally talk and Joe says something about exceeding “exceptations,” which you may have noticed is not a word. My spellcheck is going nutso on it right now. Basically Sam has woven a “spider web of deceit” which to me is like, not THAT big of a deal. (You know what is a big deal? An actual spider web. Fuck those things.)

Carly and Kirk go fishing, which is not something I totally understand because I didn’t think you could go fishing in the ocean? I mean I get that there are fish in the ocean (DUH) but you don’t see people standing in the surf with fishing rods. So I’m not really following but they’re going to get married so it’s fine.

Back in central Mexico Juelia is hoping that maybe her date with Mikey will include “dancing under the stars,” but really they go see lucha libre wrestling. It’s kind of the same thing, except not.

After their night of beer and masks they get a fantasy suite card and Juelia asks if Mikey would be comfortable spending the night in her room. We are talking about the same Mikey whose favorite yoga pose is Downward Clare, right? Yaaa. I think he’s comfortable with it.

At this point Ashley I. and Joe start to commiserate over their mutual case of the sadsies, and Ashley gives out dating advice. Take it with a grain of salt, buddy. She tells him to walk up to Sam and say, “Hey I’m Joe, I think you’re really pretty.” UMM, how about you don’t do that. “Hey I’m Joe” is eh at best. But this is Sam we’re talking about. She KNOWS she’s really pretty. That’s why she’s such a crazy bitch.

While Ashley and Joe share s’mores (shout out to s’mores, keep doing you) new guy Justin gets to Paradise. Justin didn’t have a lot of airtime on Kaitlyn’s season so all I can do is rub my chin and say Hmmm. HMMMM. You are a mystery to me, man who looks like a living Ken doll. A mystery indeed.

Of course the second he gets there he sits with Sam and gets “lost in her eyes” which is such a fucking terrible thing to say. Just tell her she has beautiful eyes, don’t say that cheesy shit you saw in a movie. He also says that she is a great “conversator,” which again you smart kiddos will catch is not an actual word. (My spellcheck can’t even handle this recap right now. Spellcheck and I are forever bonded in a ??? over this episode.)

Right as the Sam drama is starting to die down (I’m kidding, it’s never going to end), Dan comes out of nowhere with a giant wooden spoon ready to stir the pot. He doesn’t want her to go on a date with Justin not because of ol’ Sad Joe, but because he “wants to get to know her better.” OOOoooo, I’m gonna tell Amber!! I’m so gonna tell her. Shit is goin’ down next week. I can FEEL IT.

We wrap it up with sweet, sweet Mikey. You know what he doesn’t like? Bugs. Sand. Salt water. Sometimes rain. He is officially the Lennie to my Of Mice and Men, and god dammit if I don’t love him for it.

Do you think someone is going to cry next week? Do you think someone is going to get horribly sunburned? Stay tuned.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Does anyone know what’s going on?”

August 24, 2015October 5, 2015Leave a comment

It feels like FORVER since my last trip to Paradise. Was your week slow too? Time is confusing.

We start with a weird ass intro that feels like a horror movie about crabs. I don’t know what these editors are doing all day (getting high) but I’m pretty sure the phrase, “Keep it CAMPY!” is hanging somewhere in their dark dungeon.

If you forgot where we left off last week and were asking yourself, are JJ and Joe friends again? The episode begins with JJ yelling, “GET THE FUCK UP HERE YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT, LET’S GO.” So no. They’re not friends again. Tenley heard “loud shouting,” and it’s like okay Tenley, you want a fucking medal?

Besides worrying that the season is going to end with crabs waging an actual war on humans, I’m also confused about Jorge the Bartender. He’s sitting in a lounge chair at eleven o’clock at night talking to Joe and I’m like, is he actually IN the show now? Is he giving out a rose this week? (If he doesn’t save Juelia with it that would be so messed up!!)

Sam could not be more clear she is “so not about that drama,” which she says one million times during the episode. She came on BACHELOR IN PARADISE and hates drama. That makes sense.

There’s a rose ceremony tonight, which reaffirms my theory that they are trying to throw us off our game and it is WORKING. A rose ceremony ten minutes into the episode? Looney tunes. (She says, getting up to make herself a vodka ginger beer.)

At the cocktail party, Jade and Tanner want to talk to Joe and Samantha because Tanner has SEEN THE SCREEN GRABS. But he and Joe are in the exact same shirt so the whole time they’re talking I’m distracted by whether or not they’re twins and how weird it would be if they were.

Juelia goes to find Chris Harrison, who is just chilling with a crew guy while holding his dinner jacket over his forearm like some kind of perfect creature. He pretends to give a flying fuck about what she’s talking about, which is that she kind of had a connection with Mikey. Wait. IS MIKEY COMING BACK?? Is this good TV, or is this good TV? Jesus Christ.

Meanwhile Jared is forced to kiss Ashley I. even though it’s clear as goddamn day that he isn’t interested in her, like, at all. Also Ashley is wearing the heart of the ocean.

Did she swim down to the bottom of the sea? Is she a mermaid and that’s why she’s a virgin?? I’m going to need some answers. She says kissing Jared is way better than kissing Chris Soules’ PAPER THIN LIPS and as soon as she said it I died and fell off my couch.

JJ gives his rose to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S, which is the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen in my life. But this is the end of JJ’s journey. He misses his home piece and keeps saying things about being multidimensional and having layers and I think JJ should go into web design. Something with circular references and dimensions and shit.

JJ’s departure is war themed, as evident by the insanity of a music selection that plays as he hugs everyone goodbye. Without warning I find myself standing up with my hand to my forehead, giving JJ a slow salute out. We lost a good man tonight.

At this point I’m not really understanding why EVERYONE wants to save Juelia. Does she have the good drugs or something? Dan talks to Carly before his rose, which prompts #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. to call him a GRANDPA. He is a fucking grandpa, and I love the spirit in her! (Should I reach out to her on Instagram and see if she wants to get matching tattoos? Things to think about.)

Megan’s gone, Clare’s gone, Juelia’s gone. Juelia’s crying and goes to get into the Sad Limo but then MIKEY IS BACK, like we knew he would be. Top ponytail has been resurrected.

The next day Jade and Tanner have their date and I’m going to tell you right now there is no way in HELL I’d get in a plane with a propeller. Fuuuuuck that. I’m a jet fuel girl, okay? But they go to a tequila distillery so that’s dope. Are there lime trees nearby? How is salt made? (Life’s mysteries that keep me up at night.)

Some rando named Nick arrives, and I don’t know him at all but I do know that he ALSO TALKED TO SAMANTHA BEFORE THE SHOW. Sam’s face when he walks in basically says it all, which is, “Fuck.”

He immediately asks her on a date and then a super weird thing happens where they go off and talk but she never actually says yes to the date, and then says no to the date the second they’re back with the group. I’m starting to feel lost.

Nick takes #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. on the date and she massages him while talking to a bird. I’m pretty sure this isn’t editing, I think she really is talking to it. Also she’s in a cute ass bikini top that I want.

Turns out these two are GREAT DRINKING BUDDIES. Girl. Is. Inebriated. She’s gone. She’s in the middle of the ocean. She is like a sister to him, but she’d never kiss her half sister, but he’s like a brother she’s attracted to. She can do no wrong in my mind and I love every fucking thing that comes out of her mouth. Who cares if she’s hammered! Nick is boring as shit. She’s just like, passin’ the time.

(In snoozy side notes, Jade and Tanner are falling in love and are going to have beautiful olive-skinned babies.)

Joe is starting to unravel, so I need to go pop some popcorn. He thinks Samantha is going to be the mother of his children (HA) but the whole time he keeps saying to himself, “She’s out of my league. Stuff like this never happens.” Guys, let me do you a solid. If you are ever like hey, stuff like this never happens, you’re probably fucking right. If you ever think hey, it smells like something’s burning, it is. Something is engulfed in flames.

We’re FINALLY back to Ashley I. and Jared and he keeps saying things like “you’re so sweet” and “I love getting along with you,” which is NOT a good sign. I love getting along with you?!??!! Get out your tissues, girl. Jared isn’t over Kaitlyn Bristowe (which is crazy because they broke up like, twelve days ago) so Ashley cries for a very long time.

THEN SHE CALLS KAITLYN. A producer definitely said, “You should tell her Jared’s not over her. You and Kaitlyn are friends. Here, want my phone? I dialed, it’s ringing…” Ashley goes on to tell her that Jared is OBSESSED with her. Kaitlyn’s probably like um cool story, bro. I’m getting bent over by the hottest guy ever right now so I can’t really talk.

Apparently Sam wished Joe a Sad 29^th Birthday, because she dumps his ass while sitting in front of a cake with chocolate covered cherries on it.

Joe’s like, “But there hasn’t been any drama all day.” Congrats Joe, you made it one fucking day. One day does not a chill man make.

Tonight’s episode promises Joe coming after Sam with a VENGENCE. Got ya, bitch.

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Was it the arousing cheese?”

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Karma’s a bitch”

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Does anyone know what’s going on?”