Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “I’m on a boat!”

on a boat

Like a fine wine that was opened weeks ago and has been sitting in my fridge ever since, Bachelor in Paradise leaves a weird taste in my mouth. Also it makes me feel warm inside. And kinda sexy!

Juelia immediately gets stung by a jellyfish, so before the opening credits even roll we see Tenley pee on her foot. Okay we don’t SEE it, but Tenley does ask if it feels good so use your imagination.

Chelsie invites Nick on her date, so Nick needs to talk to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. (Apparently she has been yelling at everyone lately but I’m sure they deserved it!!) He finds her but she is like, washing her face, bro. This is one of the sacred moments in a woman’s day and he is shitting all over it with his “Hey, you got a minute to talk?” crap.

Nick then tells her that she SMELLS LIKE A BREWERY. Wow, super sweet of you. He expands and says he doesn’t feel a romantic connection, so my girl does what she does best. She lets him know what’s up. Without skipping a beat she looks straight at him and says, “I feel the same way.” BOOM. Bye Nick, you’re boring. She might be upset on the inside but I am LOVING how she just crushes it to his face. Ladies, if a guy ever dumps you take a page from my #1 BAD BITCH and immediately shut it down. (Somewhere far, far away Ginger Spice is yelling “Girl Power!!” with both fists in the air.)

Mackenzie shows up and I am immediately reminded that she believes in aliens and Chris Soules was like whaaa?? when she started talking about it on his season. She’s even wearing an alien sticker to remind us of her beliefs.

mackenzie

Chelsie and Nick go on their date “ON A BOAT!” and it’s basically a snoozefest until Nick starts talking about Sam. First he tried to talk to a girl while she was washing her fucking face, now he’s talking about another girl while on a date. Jesus Christ, Nick, get your shit together.

Mackenzie’s date card says something about seeing a future, so she IMMEDIATELY goes to aliens. Pretty sure if the date card said, “You’re going to a pottery class and then to dinner” she’d say ALIENS!! It’s just her first response to everything. Also Ashley I. tells her that if she talked to Mikey she probably “wouldn’t naturally pick him” which is a fucking READ if I’ve ever heard one.

DUN DUN DUNNNN…. Jaclyn walks into paradise and “I knew you were trouble when you walked in…” starts blasting in my head. She doesn’t care who’s single and just KNOWS all these boys are bored of their pieces and are ready for some new ass. What I’m not sure they’re ready for is someone wearing a Beetlejuice romper. (Yes, I’m throwing shade.)

Mackenzie and Justin go on their date and she’s still trying to figure out what this “future” shit is. She’s thinking stars, which if I’m being honest is the opposite of the future. Aren’t stars a look into the past? Science is weird.

A shaman dude speaks Spanish to them and thankfully I follow. They’re both confused as fuck while he says things like, “A big surprise!” They still aren’t getting it when he says “Se quitan la ropa,” which I immediately know means take off your clothes. Yeah, I’m cultured AND classy.

Mackenzie, Justin, and Justin’s bulge put mud on each other and Mackenzie doesn’t know what a circle is. Also they have ropes tied around their necks and given the level of awkward this date is, I’m guessing finding a tall tree branch doesn’t sound half bad right now. (Was that too dark?)

Apparently they’re married and Mackenzie is STOKED!!! Justin starts to freak out about how STOKED!!! Mackenzie is but can you really be taken seriously in a flower crown? No.

justin flower crown

Once Mackenzie solves the mystery of if their kids would be Mexican (they would not), the drama is back on Jaclyn. To her credit, she spits some truth when she says, “Might as well call this Kaitlyn’s Rejects.” (Some producer is going “That was MY idea!!”)

Jaclyn has heard SUCH good things about Jared, and Ashley I. immediately starts to panic. I see the fabric that is her soul unraveling and she does the exact right thing when this happens which is she FINDS. CHRIS. HARRISON. She finds Chris Harrison in a flannel, more specifically.

Jaclyn rolls her eyes as Jared tells her about the Divergent-trilogy-length letter Ashley I. wrote him last night. Yes, the letter is super silly. But Jaclyn, honey, in the words of Countess Luann De Lesseps, you are breaking girl code. (You guys following? I jumped franchises here so stick close and you won’t get lost.)

Ashley I. has the timing of time.gov (look it up), because that shit is PERFECT. Right as Jaclyn asks Jared if he would go on a date with her Ashley swoops the fuck in with a fantasy suite card that she found/begged Chris Harrison for. I don’t hate it, Ash. Girl’s got focus. Here is Jaclyn’s face as this shit goes down:

jaclyn face

Jaclyn promptly eats a handful of sour grapes and reminds viewers that “no guy at this age wants to take anyone’s virginity.” Um, have you been on the internet? I beg to differ. Ashley says she would like to “do stuff with Jared” and I’m hoping she means sex.

Next week will be the real kicker, and also the finale. Yikes! Time flies when you’re having a lot of mixed emotions. We’ll find out if Jared laid down that D on Ashley and I personally cannot wait. Timer is officially set on my phone, except that it isn’t because you can only set your timer for 24 hours. Shit.

BONUS FOOTAGE: Ashley I. taking out her extensions and combing them with a fork.

ashley hair extensionsashley i fork

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Was it the arousing cheese?”

brains out bachelor paradise

I’m going to be straight up with you guys, I have no idea how Bachelor in Paradise ends. Does one couple win? Are there prizes? Or do people keep leaving and arriving forever into eternity and Carly and Kirk just live in Mexico now?

Anyway Joe is still a salty wuss about Samantha. He doesn’t really know what’s going on, which is how I feel in most open bar situations.

We’re six minutes in and Sam’s been called a “master manipulator” twice. She cancels her date with Justin because she still likes Joe, she just DOESN’T DO DRAMA. Really guys, I can’t stress it enough. Sam keeps saying, “I have never had drama in my entire life” which I’m calling bullshit on because anyone who has acrylic nails has dealt with drama. Acrylic nails and drama go (paraffin) hand in (paraffin) hand.

Annnnnd now Chris Krakowski is here. (I just Googled him and apparently I am wrong, Chris BUKOWSKI is here.) The only thing I know about Chris is that he randomly showed up on Andi’s season and she was like eh, no thanks. He is the Clare of Bachelor men and has been on every show in existence.

chris bukowski bachelor in paradise

Chris is good at “making things go fast” with women, so that’s neat. He immediately orders a vodka soda, which means he is a CLUB GUY and is ready to TURN UP. Can’t wait.

Amber is going on Justin’s date instead of Sam but only to make Dan jealous. Still with me? They salsa dance and it’s kind of cute until Amber takes his shirt off and JUSTIN IS SO FUCKING SUNBURNT. This is 2015, Justin. Act like ya been there before.

justin sunburn bachelor

I am 100% sure he is thinking, “Ow, ow, please don’t touch my shoulders- AH! Oh my God. Pretend this is fun. Am I smiling? Don’t put your arms around my neck- OW.” They make out and now Amber is crying about Dan. (Pull it together, babe.)

Back on the beach Chris is saying insane things like, “Bachelor Pad was the best show that’s ever happened.” HA. Apparently you’ve never heard of Lizzie McGuire. Chris is drunk and falls into a fire.

Amber talks to Dan about their relationship and he uses the F word- friends. I’m standing by #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. when she said Dan is a grandpa. The hottest grandpa I’ve ever seen in my life, but a grandpa nonetheless.

BUKOWSKI (Chris’ alter ego) asks Tenley on a date and she has to explain her No to him seven times. His comprehension skills are not shining. Chris decides he did what he came here to do (fall into a fire) and it’s time for him to leave. He listens to the voices in his head and walks off barefoot.

Joshua and Tenley go on Chris’ date and Tenley thinks a papaya tastes like ice cream (ZERO CHANCE IT DOES) and they eat aphrodisiac cheese. “Aphrodisiac cheese” turns into “arousing cheese,” which turns into “horny cheese” in Joshua’s mind. What are you, five? Try to be sexy for like, one second. Later Joshua is amazed at his plate of food because “colors everywhere.”

Meanwhile everyone is still OBSESSING over Samantha and how the ocean must be Samantha Water. (Samantha Water is something I should be trademarking, bottling, and distributing.)

Sam and Joe flirt on a beach bed and Sam is a pillow chameleon. She literally made her romper out of the same fabric as the pillows and I can’t even see her. What I can see, is an apple box in the top right corner of the screen. Little behind-the-scenes Hollywood Easter egg for ya.

pillow sam joe bachelor

At the cocktail party Ashley I. gives Jared a 10,000 page novel that is sure to be a must-read. Also Ashley I. is dressed EXACTLY LIKE JASMINE. I mean, exactly. And don’t you dare say this wasn’t on purpose because it was. It was.

Ashley I jasmine bachelor paradiseJasmine ashley i

Here is where things get muy interesante. Amber says Jared was always her #2 choice, so she’s gonna offer him her rose. The problem is Jared might not make it to the rose ceremony because I doubt he will be done reading Ashley’s letter by then.

Back in Samanthaland, Dan thinks Joe wants to “pee on Samantha like a fire hydrant.” Super visual, Dan. Everything about Samantha annoys me at this point except her adorable For Love and Lemons crop set. You win there, girl. I’ll give you that.

Ashley I. fucks Amber over and gives her rose to Jared. Jared kind of half smiles but through his teeth is going, “Greeeat” in that way where you know it is NOT great. Ashley I. doesn’t care and is thrilled.

jared rose ashley iashley i jared rose

Sam has the final rose and she keeps talking about how she hates drama. Does she think there are completely new viewers to this show every week? We KNOW you hate drama. It’s the only thing you’ve literally ever said. She PICKS DAN, and #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. immediately says exactly what we’re all thinking which is, “Shocker!” I am laughing out loud at her. Amazing.

Joe is kicked off but he will NOT leave without showing that one god damn text from Samantha. He cannot let go of the fact that she said, “do whatever it takes to get a rose.” What she probably meant was, “Yes! Please try to stay so we can meet. Do whatever it takes ;)” which does not mean “lie and manipulate a widowed single mother so we can get married.”

In the Sad Limo Joe finally pulls up the text, somehow thinking he is going to be vindicated. Also who has 14 unread text messages? You’re a crazy person.

samantha text joe bachelor paradise

As the car drives away Joe says that he, “Should have fucked her brains out,” which is hilarious because “should have” implies that he had the option. Pret-ty sure that was never offered to you, buddy. Let’s be clear.

Tanner has now called Sam a chess player, a juggler, a praying mantis, and a puppet master. Jesus Christ, Tanner. Cool it with the analogies. You can just call her a lying bitch and we’d all get the picture. On the opposite end of the spectrum Jared only knows one phrase. He has said, “fall on the sword” a hundred times this season. This isn’t Game of Thrones. Nobody is falling on swords so shut the fuck up about the swords.

The way #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. sees it, Sam wasn’t “born out of a flower, or a seashell” but is Aphrodite, and now Sam is “like a dead bird to her.” YES. Those words couldn’t be more confusing or magical and I just FUCKING LOVE HER.

Samantha cries, AGAIN SAYING SHE HATES DRAMA, and Dan comforts her. Except why does Dan have a tissue on him?? That is so weird. She goes, “Can you get me a tissue?” And he just already has one. Having a tissue in your pocket is proof positive that you truly are a grandpa. #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. and I rest our case. (We would make an amazing lawyer team on a TV show so let’s hear some offers!)

Chelsie shows up (ANOTHER girl with a weird fucking spelling!!) which is not that exciting but I’ll let her prove me wrong. Also Jared is still reading Ashley I.’s letter as the credits roll.

ashley i letter

According to the “Sneak Pee-k” of tonight’s episode on the Bachelor website, Juelia gets stung by a jellyfish and needs someone to pee on her. Too bad Joe isn’t here anymore, I hear he pees on bitches like fire hydrants!

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Villains Gonna Vill”

joeek2

This shit is getting more complicated than my beauty regimen, which let me tell you has SEVERAL moving parts.

Four seconds in, Juelia tells Sam about Joe’s sneaky ass behavior. Except she says that Joe asked her on a date “right away.” Love ya girl, but no. Not how that shit went down. Remember when he was like, “I don’t give a shit who wants to go on this date with me, I’ll take anyone, who wants to ride horses?” And you were like, “I like to ride horses, Joe.” Sorry boo, but my memory is crystal fucking clear on this.

Anyway Sam thinks this is a “little too much drama” even though she’s the one who’s been plotting with Joe since the dawn of time. (Tanner has SEEN THE SCREEN GRABS.)

So Joe and Sam have this super, top secret conversation where they completely forget they have their fucking mic packs on. Sam sees a cameraman and keeps whispering and I’m going, “BITCH YOUR MICROPHONE IS ON.” They intercut this heavily-subtitled conversation with Sam’s most recent interview, which they play in a dark vignette as visual proof that she is a goddamn liar.

samconfessional

We switch gears as Amber shows up to the house, super excited to date Dan and hang out with her BFF Ashley S. (Cue a producer rubbing their hands together, eyes turning black.) Amber asks Dan on a date and he says yes but needs to talk to Ashley S. about it.

Except that when you talk to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S, she takes no prisoners. She looks straight at him and says, “You’re such a man, but you couldn’t be a man to me.” Bye Dan, your balls just got chopped off and she’s about to throw them into the fucking sand. Also she can tell that one of the birds is blind so she is obviously a sorcerer.

Meanwhile JJ and Megan go on their date and it’s boring and they’re on a boat. Megan says some cheesy ass line about how this is the quickest she’s gotten wet on a date and it’s like HA GOOD ONE.

On Amber and Dan’s date, the townspeople of Puerto Vallarta demand they kiss and I start to panic about the mob mentality of the world. Amber has to walk no fewer than four miles in wedges until they’re finally at some tiny dinner table that I’m pretty sure they could have put a little closer to where they were earlier.

Amber admits that when she’s home watching hot pieces get out of The Bachelorette limos (noshing on some kind of delicious snack, I hope), she marks down the ones she wants to bone by putting a star next to their name. That’s like me telling you guys that while I sit in traffic I talk to myself and pretend I’m being interviewed on the radio. I would never tell you that, it is embarrassing and between me and God. Apparently Dan is a DOUBLE STAR, which is like me telling you I also pretend I’m being interviewed while I put on my makeup. It’s like, not helping.

amber dan date

It’s time for the big bro-down (showdown of bros), where Joe is finna get his ass handed to him. The guys confront him and Joe keeps talking about digging up dead bodies. Somewhere in his pathetic attempt at explaining himself we learn that before everyone goes on the show they submit a list of people they’d like to see in paradise to the producers. Innnnnteresting.

Joe’s list was SAM, SAMANTHA, SAMANTHA FROM CHRIS’ SEASON, SAM. JJ’s had 8 people. I would like to be a fly on the wall in the meeting where someone at ABC takes their headshots and slides them around trying to decide who’s arriving next to BREAK THE HEARTS of the people already there. “Yes! She’ll be basically suicidal at that point. Should we take a coffee break?”

Now Joe and JJ talk with their faces very close to each other. Joe is still a fucking pussy so they don’t fight.

joe jj fight

What does happen is JJ says that Joe is a circular reference, which is some complex shit for a hockey player. Jared (been missin’ you, buddy!) caps us off with, “Joe Bailey, from America’s Sweetheart to America’s Most Wanted. One week flat.” You been writing taglines on the side, bro? That shit was fire.

Next week promises more fun in the sun, and by fun I mean tears. What an incredible journey so far!!

Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.

Recap: Bachelor In Paradise Premiere, Night 1

bachelorinparadiselogo

“We’re into athletes, we’re not into meatheads.”

We left off in Bachelorland with Shawn proposing to Kaitlyn and the whole world yelling “REJECTED!!!” at Nick. And last night Chris Harrison (adhering to a STRICT beach casual dress code) kept all of our dreams alive with the beautiful gift that is the premiere of Bachelor in Paradise… A two-part event!™

The first thing we learn is that Tanner is salty as hell. Yeah, Kaitlyn didn’t like you. Was it because you didn’t have a “strong connection,” was it was because your name is Tanner? We may never know.

Ol’ Blackbox Jillian (also her pirate name) got a boob job since we last saw her, which was the right move for someone whose lifelong goal is to have every part of her body hard as a rock.

Speaking of hard bodies, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey. Four seconds into the show and bro’s under boob sweat is seeping right through his lavender shirt. He just has too much testosterone, guys!! His breasts are literally sweating from all of the hormones. So he’s of course the first one to take his shirt off. Let the season of necklace microphones commence.

“But I don’t want to wear this pukka shell necklace.”
“You have to, otherwise we can’t hear you groaning while getting a hand job in a cabana.” (What I assume 99% of conversations with the producers are like.)

Mega shouts to crazy ass onion girl Ashley S. for constantly breaking the fourth wall. It has to annoy the hell out of the network, but Jesus Christ is it fun to watch. Does she own birds, does she not? Who knows! This isn’t a set, this is her life!

Now they start drinking like they’ll be bussed off to rehab tomorrow. Ashley I.’s sister Lauren is along for the ride, which of course gets all the other women’s bikini bottoms in a twist and makes them say things like, “Lauren I. just wants to have fun and drink and hang. I don’t think the guys will like that.” Guys hate girls who party and put out. That’s been proven time and time again.

Which brings me to the most important question of the night: Did Ashley I.’s sister want to be referred to as a slut no fewer than three times in the first episode of the show? If so, why? (500 word essay, due Thursday)

Chris Harrison throws another wrench in the rules when he explains that if one sister gets a rose, the other one will too. They are a package deal, which has Jonathan deciding how he’s going to fuck them both at the same time. It should be noted that Jonathan thinks all the women are “delicious” pieces of fruit that he wants to “take a bite out of.” Either Jonathan is creepy as hell, or he is on mushrooms and is hallucinating like a motherfucker.

Suddenly they’re sitting on these benches with an aisle down the middle and they’re all wondering what’s about to happen (none of them have ever been invited to a wedding). Don’t worry, they crack the case! It’s a wedding, guys. It’s a wedding.

Within five minutes of the wedding I was in a deep, deep sleep of boredom. But my ears perked to attention when Marcus said something about not being able to promise that he won’t bother Lacy with kisses in the morning. If there’s one thing vows need, it’s double negatives. However: loved that he made a toast to the contestants even though it was his fucking wedding. ABC at its finest!

So now they’re all back at the house sitting by the bonfire. Ashley I. (a 7th Grader) like, totally has a crush on Jared and like, has to talk to him but CAN’T! She just sits there and totally can’t say anything! Ughhh so annoying, right? Words are hard.

ashleyi

She breaks the ice with Jared by saying that Cinderella isn’t her princess, Jasmine is her princess. She’s even in her Jasmine bathing suit. Things are now “solidified” between them. Jared immediately goes to walk on the beach with Jade.

Later, 7th Grader goes on a date with Jared, but not before icing her face with a dishtowel. (Princess Jasmine would never be caught dead looking puffy.)

Everyone wants to fuck Jade because she’s your classic bad girl next door who acts shy but really is just dying to pull up her Playboy pics ASAP. WHAT’S THE WIFI PASSWORD IN PARADISE?

So now 7th Grader is stalking Jared and Tanner and Jade are coupling off. You go, Salty Tanner! Get some. I’m not even going to address Carly and Kirk because if I do I will fall into an even deeper slumber than when the wedding was happening.

Out of nowhere Ashley S. is getting wheeled off in a stretcher. I need her to stick around so she can look directly into the camera and say things like, “It’s really weird being on a television show” therefore ruining any usable footage they have of her.

We end with the fact that CLARE’S BACK, BITCHES. She is now the Real World Tonya of the Bachelor franchise and I assume will be on Bachelor spinoffs until the end of eternity. And if you don’t know who Tonya is then congratulations, you respect yourself and maybe even have a good thing going in your life. You’ve also probably never seen a girl pee out a kidney stone on television, which is a thing that actually happened.

Looking forward to tonight when we finally get to shell out some roses and watch 7th Grader have a complete meltdown when she realizes that Clare does not fuck around (except in oceans, hi Juan Pablo!!) and will be riding that Jared D in like, five minutes.

Can’t wait to watch everyone’s sunburns progress. It’s going to be an incredible journey.