Girl is one sneaky ass bitch.
Things That Are Not Like Riding A Bike (And Why)
By Sam Jarvis
- Paying taxes. Basically one is the physical act of powering a pedal-driven vehicle that utilizes two tires and a chain, while the other is the collecting and filing of paperwork to make sure you’ve given the government the correct amount of money. So they’re really nothing alike at all.
- Getting your tarot cards read. Again when riding a bike, you are trying to get from point A to point B, whereas with getting your tarot cards read you’re sitting at a table in some kind of mystic and odd smelling room while someone tells you what is in your future by randomly pulling cards.
- Going to the dermatologist. Both have some kind of travel involved, but going to the dermatologist is not like riding a bike because at the dermatologist there are doctors and bad lighting and people checking you for moles. Also they try to get you to do weird chemical peels and stuff and it’s like guys stop, I’m 27, I don’t need one of those yet.
- Microwaving a veggie burger. This one’s harder to see the difference because both are so fun. But with a bike you are feeling the wind on your face. You’re free. With microwaving a veggie burger, you’re clearly trapped in your house. Otherwise you would certainly eat something other than a frozen non-meat thing. If you were free with the wind on your face, you would definitely eat mozzarella sticks or a hot dog. So yeah, they’re not the same.
- Making a YouTube video showing all the stuff you just bought at the mall. They’re called haul videos I think. But yeah again this is another classic example of the fact that riding a bike is a fun fitness activity but also a means of transportation, and at a certain level a competitive sport, while making a YouTube video showing all the stuff you just bought at the mall is just a haul video.
Google: A World of Pain
No, no, and no.
Hump Day Got Me Like
Need me a dog snuggle.
Patience Is A Virtue
All of the sads.
Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “I’m on a boat!”
Like a fine wine that was opened weeks ago and has been sitting in my fridge ever since, Bachelor in Paradise leaves a weird taste in my mouth. Also it makes me feel warm inside. And kinda sexy!
Juelia immediately gets stung by a jellyfish, so before the opening credits even roll we see Tenley pee on her foot. Okay we don’t SEE it, but Tenley does ask if it feels good so use your imagination.
Chelsie invites Nick on her date, so Nick needs to talk to #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. (Apparently she has been yelling at everyone lately but I’m sure they deserved it!!) He finds her but she is like, washing her face, bro. This is one of the sacred moments in a woman’s day and he is shitting all over it with his “Hey, you got a minute to talk?” crap.
Nick then tells her that she SMELLS LIKE A BREWERY. Wow, super sweet of you. He expands and says he doesn’t feel a romantic connection, so my girl does what she does best. She lets him know what’s up. Without skipping a beat she looks straight at him and says, “I feel the same way.” BOOM. Bye Nick, you’re boring. She might be upset on the inside but I am LOVING how she just crushes it to his face. Ladies, if a guy ever dumps you take a page from my #1 BAD BITCH and immediately shut it down. (Somewhere far, far away Ginger Spice is yelling “Girl Power!!” with both fists in the air.)
Mackenzie shows up and I am immediately reminded that she believes in aliens and Chris Soules was like whaaa?? when she started talking about it on his season. She’s even wearing an alien sticker to remind us of her beliefs.
Chelsie and Nick go on their date “ON A BOAT!” and it’s basically a snoozefest until Nick starts talking about Sam. First he tried to talk to a girl while she was washing her fucking face, now he’s talking about another girl while on a date. Jesus Christ, Nick, get your shit together.
Mackenzie’s date card says something about seeing a future, so she IMMEDIATELY goes to aliens. Pretty sure if the date card said, “You’re going to a pottery class and then to dinner” she’d say ALIENS!! It’s just her first response to everything. Also Ashley I. tells her that if she talked to Mikey she probably “wouldn’t naturally pick him” which is a fucking READ if I’ve ever heard one.
DUN DUN DUNNNN…. Jaclyn walks into paradise and “I knew you were trouble when you walked in…” starts blasting in my head. She doesn’t care who’s single and just KNOWS all these boys are bored of their pieces and are ready for some new ass. What I’m not sure they’re ready for is someone wearing a Beetlejuice romper. (Yes, I’m throwing shade.)
Mackenzie and Justin go on their date and she’s still trying to figure out what this “future” shit is. She’s thinking stars, which if I’m being honest is the opposite of the future. Aren’t stars a look into the past? Science is weird.
A shaman dude speaks Spanish to them and thankfully I follow. They’re both confused as fuck while he says things like, “A big surprise!” They still aren’t getting it when he says “Se quitan la ropa,” which I immediately know means take off your clothes. Yeah, I’m cultured AND classy.
Mackenzie, Justin, and Justin’s bulge put mud on each other and Mackenzie doesn’t know what a circle is. Also they have ropes tied around their necks and given the level of awkward this date is, I’m guessing finding a tall tree branch doesn’t sound half bad right now. (Was that too dark?)
Apparently they’re married and Mackenzie is STOKED!!! Justin starts to freak out about how STOKED!!! Mackenzie is but can you really be taken seriously in a flower crown? No.
Once Mackenzie solves the mystery of if their kids would be Mexican (they would not), the drama is back on Jaclyn. To her credit, she spits some truth when she says, “Might as well call this Kaitlyn’s Rejects.” (Some producer is going “That was MY idea!!”)
Jaclyn has heard SUCH good things about Jared, and Ashley I. immediately starts to panic. I see the fabric that is her soul unraveling and she does the exact right thing when this happens which is she FINDS. CHRIS. HARRISON. She finds Chris Harrison in a flannel, more specifically.
Jaclyn rolls her eyes as Jared tells her about the Divergent-trilogy-length letter Ashley I. wrote him last night. Yes, the letter is super silly. But Jaclyn, honey, in the words of Countess Luann De Lesseps, you are breaking girl code. (You guys following? I jumped franchises here so stick close and you won’t get lost.)
Ashley I. has the timing of time.gov (look it up), because that shit is PERFECT. Right as Jaclyn asks Jared if he would go on a date with her Ashley swoops the fuck in with a fantasy suite card that she found/begged Chris Harrison for. I don’t hate it, Ash. Girl’s got focus. Here is Jaclyn’s face as this shit goes down:
Jaclyn promptly eats a handful of sour grapes and reminds viewers that “no guy at this age wants to take anyone’s virginity.” Um, have you been on the internet? I beg to differ. Ashley says she would like to “do stuff with Jared” and I’m hoping she means sex.
Next week will be the real kicker, and also the finale. Yikes! Time flies when you’re having a lot of mixed emotions. We’ll find out if Jared laid down that D on Ashley and I personally cannot wait. Timer is officially set on my phone, except that it isn’t because you can only set your timer for 24 hours. Shit.
BONUS FOOTAGE: Ashley I. taking out her extensions and combing them with a fork.
Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.
Bachelor in Paradise Recap: “Was it the arousing cheese?”
I’m going to be straight up with you guys, I have no idea how Bachelor in Paradise ends. Does one couple win? Are there prizes? Or do people keep leaving and arriving forever into eternity and Carly and Kirk just live in Mexico now?
Anyway Joe is still a salty wuss about Samantha. He doesn’t really know what’s going on, which is how I feel in most open bar situations.
We’re six minutes in and Sam’s been called a “master manipulator” twice. She cancels her date with Justin because she still likes Joe, she just DOESN’T DO DRAMA. Really guys, I can’t stress it enough. Sam keeps saying, “I have never had drama in my entire life” which I’m calling bullshit on because anyone who has acrylic nails has dealt with drama. Acrylic nails and drama go (paraffin) hand in (paraffin) hand.
Annnnnd now Chris Krakowski is here. (I just Googled him and apparently I am wrong, Chris BUKOWSKI is here.) The only thing I know about Chris is that he randomly showed up on Andi’s season and she was like eh, no thanks. He is the Clare of Bachelor men and has been on every show in existence.
Chris is good at “making things go fast” with women, so that’s neat. He immediately orders a vodka soda, which means he is a CLUB GUY and is ready to TURN UP. Can’t wait.
Amber is going on Justin’s date instead of Sam but only to make Dan jealous. Still with me? They salsa dance and it’s kind of cute until Amber takes his shirt off and JUSTIN IS SO FUCKING SUNBURNT. This is 2015, Justin. Act like ya been there before.
I am 100% sure he is thinking, “Ow, ow, please don’t touch my shoulders- AH! Oh my God. Pretend this is fun. Am I smiling? Don’t put your arms around my neck- OW.” They make out and now Amber is crying about Dan. (Pull it together, babe.)
Back on the beach Chris is saying insane things like, “Bachelor Pad was the best show that’s ever happened.” HA. Apparently you’ve never heard of Lizzie McGuire. Chris is drunk and falls into a fire.
Amber talks to Dan about their relationship and he uses the F word- friends. I’m standing by #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. when she said Dan is a grandpa. The hottest grandpa I’ve ever seen in my life, but a grandpa nonetheless.
BUKOWSKI (Chris’ alter ego) asks Tenley on a date and she has to explain her No to him seven times. His comprehension skills are not shining. Chris decides he did what he came here to do (fall into a fire) and it’s time for him to leave. He listens to the voices in his head and walks off barefoot.
Joshua and Tenley go on Chris’ date and Tenley thinks a papaya tastes like ice cream (ZERO CHANCE IT DOES) and they eat aphrodisiac cheese. “Aphrodisiac cheese” turns into “arousing cheese,” which turns into “horny cheese” in Joshua’s mind. What are you, five? Try to be sexy for like, one second. Later Joshua is amazed at his plate of food because “colors everywhere.”
Meanwhile everyone is still OBSESSING over Samantha and how the ocean must be Samantha Water. (Samantha Water is something I should be trademarking, bottling, and distributing.)
Sam and Joe flirt on a beach bed and Sam is a pillow chameleon. She literally made her romper out of the same fabric as the pillows and I can’t even see her. What I can see, is an apple box in the top right corner of the screen. Little behind-the-scenes Hollywood Easter egg for ya.
At the cocktail party Ashley I. gives Jared a 10,000 page novel that is sure to be a must-read. Also Ashley I. is dressed EXACTLY LIKE JASMINE. I mean, exactly. And don’t you dare say this wasn’t on purpose because it was. It was.
Here is where things get muy interesante. Amber says Jared was always her #2 choice, so she’s gonna offer him her rose. The problem is Jared might not make it to the rose ceremony because I doubt he will be done reading Ashley’s letter by then.
Back in Samanthaland, Dan thinks Joe wants to “pee on Samantha like a fire hydrant.” Super visual, Dan. Everything about Samantha annoys me at this point except her adorable For Love and Lemons crop set. You win there, girl. I’ll give you that.
Ashley I. fucks Amber over and gives her rose to Jared. Jared kind of half smiles but through his teeth is going, “Greeeat” in that way where you know it is NOT great. Ashley I. doesn’t care and is thrilled.
Sam has the final rose and she keeps talking about how she hates drama. Does she think there are completely new viewers to this show every week? We KNOW you hate drama. It’s the only thing you’ve literally ever said. She PICKS DAN, and #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. immediately says exactly what we’re all thinking which is, “Shocker!” I am laughing out loud at her. Amazing.
Joe is kicked off but he will NOT leave without showing that one god damn text from Samantha. He cannot let go of the fact that she said, “do whatever it takes to get a rose.” What she probably meant was, “Yes! Please try to stay so we can meet. Do whatever it takes ;)” which does not mean “lie and manipulate a widowed single mother so we can get married.”
In the Sad Limo Joe finally pulls up the text, somehow thinking he is going to be vindicated. Also who has 14 unread text messages? You’re a crazy person.
As the car drives away Joe says that he, “Should have fucked her brains out,” which is hilarious because “should have” implies that he had the option. Pret-ty sure that was never offered to you, buddy. Let’s be clear.
Tanner has now called Sam a chess player, a juggler, a praying mantis, and a puppet master. Jesus Christ, Tanner. Cool it with the analogies. You can just call her a lying bitch and we’d all get the picture. On the opposite end of the spectrum Jared only knows one phrase. He has said, “fall on the sword” a hundred times this season. This isn’t Game of Thrones. Nobody is falling on swords so shut the fuck up about the swords.
The way #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. sees it, Sam wasn’t “born out of a flower, or a seashell” but is Aphrodite, and now Sam is “like a dead bird to her.” YES. Those words couldn’t be more confusing or magical and I just FUCKING LOVE HER.
Samantha cries, AGAIN SAYING SHE HATES DRAMA, and Dan comforts her. Except why does Dan have a tissue on him?? That is so weird. She goes, “Can you get me a tissue?” And he just already has one. Having a tissue in your pocket is proof positive that you truly are a grandpa. #1 BAD BITCH Ashley S. and I rest our case. (We would make an amazing lawyer team on a TV show so let’s hear some offers!)
Chelsie shows up (ANOTHER girl with a weird fucking spelling!!) which is not that exciting but I’ll let her prove me wrong. Also Jared is still reading Ashley I.’s letter as the credits roll.
According to the “Sneak Pee-k” of tonight’s episode on the Bachelor website, Juelia gets stung by a jellyfish and needs someone to pee on her. Too bad Joe isn’t here anymore, I hear he pees on bitches like fire hydrants!
Check out more of my Bachelor recaps here.
Music On Repeat
Zak Abel – Runnin From Myself
Shellfie
20 Things Every 20-Something Girl Should Know
By Sam Jarvis
Rubbing an ice cube on your face in the morning will reduce puffiness.
Clear nail polish stops runs in your stockings.
Bryan Bowman has a girlfriend.
Setting up auto-pay on your bills will ensure you never pay a late fee again.
You can make an awesome face mask with plain yogurt.
Even if Bryan seems like he’s flirting with you, he isn’t. He’s just being nice.
Vodka sodas are a great low-cal alternative to vodka Sprites.
If you feel you deserve a raise, ask for it.
Like seriously, he and his girlfriend are in love.
You can remove deodorant stains with a dryer sheet.
Always pee after sex.
I swear to God Jenna if you’re reading this, stop texting Bryan.
You can use frozen grapes to chill white wine.
Drinking a glass of warm lemon water curbs appetite, eases digestion, and prevents the formation of wrinkles and acne.
I KNOW YOU ASKED HIM TO GRAB COFFEE AFTER WORK, JENNA. CUT THE CRAP.
Using credit cards with rewards points will get you the most out of your purchases.
Sleeping 7-9 hours a night improves memory function.
If I find out you guys did in fact get coffee, you’re going to want to sleep with one eye open.
Coconut oil makes an incredible deep-conditioner.
There are plenty of ways to get away with murder.
